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How to move on when the problem is the kids?

thegreatesthumphrey

By thegreatesthumphrey
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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thegreatesthumphrey Established Member

thegreatesthumphrey

Posted
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He is great, makes me happy, offers what I need. Our kids are nightmares. He has two older daughters I have a two year old son. We are all unhappy, because we are pretty much living together. No one likes each other except me and their father. Its just not going to work. Im not yet ready to let go though. I feel like its really not fair and I have never been with a man with children before. Maybe I feel like I just need to be told that it will be okay and that eventually I will find something that works.

 

I feel like a man that has full custody of his daughters and a single parent with a toddler are both just destined to be single for most of their lives.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

What about trying family counseling? To see if you guys can get some professional help to work things out.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)

how can a two year old have any influence in the matter? He has "real feelings" about the situation - ha ! You can still change the course of a two year old.

 

Now about the older daughters - what age we talking here?

 

 

Look - if you found a great husband - really great - and he feels the same about you - I mean your great for each other, love each other, completely compatible and see a wonderful future as partners - then you need to set the kids straight and be a unified couple. Honestly - you know how hard it is to find a great spouse - the kind that you see your self being happy with till death to you part - then stay. The kids will leave some day (older daughters) and probably see you twice a year on holidays - if that - a great spouse will stay by your side forever - help you when your sick, walk down that road by your side.

 

Now let me also say this - I have a step and a bio kid. I also have a large extended family - with "normal" mom/dad biokids. Those kids (my nieces and nephews) gave there bio parents and their siblings such grief - yelling, screaming, stealing, drinking, all the crap. Their marriages were stressed with these kids - and they were there own kids. The point is - while blended families ARE hard - even normal families have the situation you describe (kids hate each other and the parents ) ....so what? When I was a kid - my old brother and I hated each other - when I was 8 he dislocated my shoulder while beating the crap out of me! So any time my stepkid gave me all sorts of problems I always remembered my brothers and sisters "real" kids and thought - "eh - could be getting the same $h!t from my own kid". I also counted on my wife to standup for me with her kid, and handle it.

 

The only real added problem with step-families over normal - is if the ex husbands/wife's are adding grief on top of things. Thats a real and more difficult problem to deal with - but I did not here you mention ex problems.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 2
Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
He is great, makes me happy, offers what I need. Our kids are nightmares. He has two older daughters I have a two year old son. We are all unhappy, because we are pretty much living together. No one likes each other except me and their father. Its just not going to work. Im not yet ready to let go though. I feel like its really not fair and I have never been with a man with children before. Maybe I feel like I just need to be told that it will be okay and that eventually I will find something that works.

 

I feel like a man that has full custody of his daughters and a single parent with a toddler are both just destined to be single for most of their lives.

 

Why did you marry a man with children? :confused: I don't understand why you would make that choice if you hate other people's kids so much.

crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

The 2 year old doesn't hate anyone.

 

Depending on the age of his girls, most girls get pretty bitchy in the early teen years.

 

It's up to him to try and get a handle on it, they're his girls. Any discipline from you isn't going to help matters.

 

Was there an affair involved when you and their father got involved? Seems Like the fact you have a 2 year old and are married to this guy that things started moving pretty damn fast. If the answer is yes, the girls are probably resentful of that.

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Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
The 2 year old doesn't hate anyone.

 

Depending on the age of his girls, most girls get pretty bitchy in the early teen years.

 

It's up to him to try and get a handle on it, they're his girls. Any discipline from you isn't going to help matters.

 

Was there an affair involved when you and their father got involved? Seems Like the fact you have a 2 year old and are married to this guy that things started moving pretty damn fast. If the answer is yes, the girls are probably resentful of that.

 

This. Teenage girls are known for being bitchy. If there was an affair, they have every right to be resentful of the woman who ruined their parents' marriage.

 

My father had an affair about twenty years ago. I have never forgiven him because he refuses to admit to it, despite overwhelming evidence. If my mother died and my father took up with that woman, it would be very hard for me not to assault her. :D

shimmychanga Member

shimmychanga

Posted
Posted

How long have y'all been sharing a house? It sounds like not very long. I think eventually the teenagers will get tired of being annoyed with the situation and adjust. They'll come around and start to love the toddler on their own terms, in their own time. The two-year-old will definitely adjust, being so young. S/he will forget about having lived anywhere else and will see this family as comfortable and normal.

 

If you have a strong marriage, I say give it time, don't try to force anyone to like anyone, respect the kids' space and complex feelings, and don't give up.

  • 3 months later...
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thegreatesthumphrey Established Member

thegreatesthumphrey

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This. Teenage girls are known for being bitchy. If there was an affair, they have every right to be resentful of the woman who ruined their parents' marriage.

 

My father had an affair about twenty years ago. I have never forgiven him because he refuses to admit to it, despite overwhelming evidence. If my mother died and my father took up with that woman, it would be very hard for me not to assault her. :D

 

Haha. We are not married. I never saiid that. We have been together just short of a year. There was no affair he has been divorced for 6 years,

mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

Posted
Posted

The mother of these girls? Is she still around?

As dictomy said, ex's can sometimes be the cause of unease with bad-mouthing etc.

Has your partner been in other relationships since his divorce? The girls may be sick of a string of other females invading their space (and you come with a toddler!)

My partners daughter was openly resentful towards me, claiming that me and my children took from her and her brother and their children (grownup children act out too!!!) their father's time and money...since I learnt this, I've made sure to use my money to buy gifts for birthdays etc for my partners children and grandchildren. He tells them that I have paid for the gifts, which seems to have lessened the hostility.

Good luck. Blended families are a challenge.

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thegreatesthumphrey Established Member

thegreatesthumphrey

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The mother of these girls? Is she still around?

As dictomy said, ex's can sometimes be the cause of unease with bad-mouthing etc.

Has your partner been in other relationships since his divorce? The girls may be sick of a string of other females invading their space (and you come with a toddler!)

My partners daughter was openly resentful towards me, claiming that me and my children took from her and her brother and their children (grownup children act out too!!!) their father's time and money...since I learnt this, I've made sure to use my money to buy gifts for birthdays etc for my partners children and grandchildren. He tells them that I have paid for the gifts, which seems to have lessened the hostility.

Good luck. Blended families are a challenge.

 

haha. yeah. Sounds like my situation. I am realizing I have a minefield ahead of me. lol. Thank you.

  • 1 month later...
Belle82 New Member

Belle82

Posted
Posted

How old are the girls? This may help with advice.

 

I was in this situation when I met my husband 7 years ago, our younger children were fine but older ones who were 16 and 17 hated me because they believed there dad shouldn't have found someone new after their mother passed away plus it didn't help I was only in my 20's.

If they are teenagers they will always hate the new partner, even pre teens. My now 13 year old step daughter who used to call me mum and I loved like my own now calls me every swear word under the sun and has ideas in her head how her mum would have done things different to me even though she was a baby when her mum died.

It's holding in there, showing them your not the enemy. My eldest step kids now grown up consider me a close friend, I know youngest step daughter will come around again and she does as soon as there is something going on like with a boy she likes or bullying at school it is straight back to crying and a cuddle calling me mum and saying how much she needs me. Just need to remember to try to be their friend not a replacement mother.

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