dafool Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Very brief background: EXTREMELY trustworthy GF of 3 years who I live with. She is easily the most honest and trustworthy person I've dated (doesn't lock her phone/email/etc, never has cheated on me, etc). She's in her 30s and wants to get married and have a baby. I told her I'm not ready yet. She said fine. She got off of IUD birth control recently. She can't go on pill for health reasons. Fine. I wanted to start using condoms. She said no becaue she hates them. I said OK but I want to pull out before ejaculation and she got furious when I did saying it makes her feel like a hooker. Meanwhile she was using an ovulation calendar and swore by it saying there is no way she could get pregnant if we simply follow the dates. When i would show skepticism, she would get mad saying "there's NO WAY I can get pregnant using the calendar." And she promised she would get an abortion if she god forbid got pregnant. So I trusted her and went with her plan reluctantly and didn't pull out anymore. The incident: She's pregnant. But now she's saying she might not want an abortion. And that she could take care of kid on her own and so on. Now I'm furious because I told her that a) she insisted, despite my questioning and skepticism, that the ovulation calendar was foolproof, b) she would get furious that I wanted to use birth control, and c) that she promised she would have an abortion, which now she says she's not sure she will because at her age women don't get abortions and she's getting to the age where she won't be able to have kids. Questions for you: 1. Did I get played? Or was it an honest mistake on her part? 2. What would you do if you were me?
CarrieT Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 1. You got played like a dime-store violin. 2. If I were you I would start a savings account for the child's college - you are now going to be a Dad and tied to a child for the rest of your life. That's it - you have no say in her decisions, however you are equally at fault for making the baby. You could have always said no. 17
Author dafool Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Is it natural to not want to stay with this person anymore? I feel like she destroyed the trust between us.
Keenly Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Is it natural to not want to stay with this person anymore? I feel like she destroyed the trust between us. No its normal. She tricked you. Hook line and sinker. exact scenario happened to me only she lost the baby. You don't even realize you are being manipulated until its too late. You get made out to be the bad guy when you resist. Condoms, BC, all make her mad and she manipulated your emotions against you to get what she wants. 100% tricked into pregnancy, and the exact reasons why we need to reform the child support system. 3
Keenly Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 1. You got played like a dime-store violin. 2. If I were you I would start a savings account for the child's college - you are now going to be a Dad and tied to a child for the rest of your life. That's it - you have no say in her decisions, however you are equally at fault for making the baby. You could have always said no. No. The last part of your statement is not entirely accurate. The woman that got beaten for ten years should have just left. Its her fault she was beaten. That's your parallel argument .
AntiSocal Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Is it natural to not want to stay with this person anymore? I feel like she destroyed the trust between us. You are in the wrong you realize that right... I use a condom every time i have sex. Condoms that i bring with me from my house. An ovulation calender is by no means fool proof. Girls periods change, so when they ovulate can probably change too. And when you ejaculate inside of a girl sometimes the sperm can stay alive for days. You shouldn't have trusted her at all with something like this. It is your fault unprotected sex is never safe even if you do pull out. Its her choice, support her in whatever she does. 10
youaremysunshine Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Are you crazy? The rhythm method is very ineffective. Even if she was trying to do it right it requires daily tempature taking, mucus observation and is only remotely reliable after MONTHS of careful charting. If it was so easy all women would be doing it. Take some responsibility for your own ass. Birth control is a 50/50 responiblity. You can be assertive about condom use, lord knows I have to put my foot down. Also FYI pulling out ain't too effective. Her not letting you pull out is really suspect... But again you are a grown man, how could she stop you? If you can choose to have sex you have the right to negotiate birth control. 11
Balzac Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 You lied to yourself by not seeking knowledge. Do either of you know how long the life of spermatozoa is? 4
soccerrprp Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 OP, you were not ready to have a child. Saying NO is easy, if you had any backbone or really wanted to. Either that or you don't know how babies are made and essentially abdicated your own responsibility and allowed your gf to make the decision(s) for you. 5
youaremysunshine Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 This is just as bad as the teenage girls I hear complaining their boyfriends don't like condoms or pulling out. Everyone needs to take a stand and be assertive. Educate yourself and if your partner doesn't respect you enough to compromise then maybe you need to just say no. 2
Author dafool Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 You don't even realize you are being manipulated until its too late. You get made out to be the bad guy when you resist. Condoms, BC, all make her mad and she manipulated your emotions against you to get what she wants. Exactly. What really hurts is that she promised to get an abortion in the worst cae scenario that she got pregnant. And now she's saying "well, abortion is against what I believe in blah blah blah." Lesson learned: never trust anyone. But it's not so simple because there is a kid involved here. I don't want it to grow up without his father. But I hate her too much to marry her now. That said, she hasn't decided 100% against abortion but she is seriously entertaining the thought of having the kid, despite her promise not to. 1
Balzac Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Be emphatically clear about your intentions. Marriage is the least of your worry at this point. Being involved in the child's life doesn't require much interaction w her. 2
soccerrprp Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Exactly. What really hurts is that she promised to get an abortion in the worst cae scenario that she got pregnant. And now she's saying "well, abortion is against what I believe in blah blah blah." Lesson learned: never trust anyone. But it's not so simple because there is a kid involved here. I don't want it to grow up without his father. But I hate her too much to marry her now. That said, she hasn't decided 100% against abortion but she is seriously entertaining the thought of having the kid, despite her promise not to. So much wrong here. If the lesson you've learned is not to trust anyone, then you're screwed. And what? The thing that hurts you most is that she won't get an abortion?????? Pitiful.... You've said one thing right and that is you need to be there for your kid. 3
lionoftheforum Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I hope you like kids. You have one now.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Men, use your brain and not your co(k to make decisions...birth control is the responsibility of both active partners. Refuse to have sex if she won't let you wrap it or you are not sure she is on birth control. Stop acting like victims because you didn't protect yourselves. You are 30 years old...stop acting like a teenage boy. Regardless of your temper tantrum after the fact, the baby is coming. Fair? Unfair? Doesn't matter...it is happening. Man up and do what is right for the baby. Grumpily, Grumps 11
lollipopspot Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Hard to say for sure if she manipulated you. You were both ridiculous about birth control, and sometimes when the fetus is a reality people change their minds about abortion. I've seen this story of a guy not using a condom and the girlfriend getting pregnant on this board before though. You must always take control of your own reproduction. Even if you're relying on chemical birth control - you need to be diligent about making sure she actually takes it. 1
Balzac Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 She got off of IUD birth control recently. Surely you two had a detailed discussion prior to this decision. 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Many women seem to be ok with the prospect of that if you're having sex without protection of any kind then you kind of sort of already agreeing to making a baby with them if the situation arises....and it's your own fault in their eyes, whether they guaranteed you it would never happen or not. So hopefully guys are keeping this in mind, it's like signing a contract based on a verbal agreement made prior, and then that verbal agreement was not honored because it was not in writing...the situation/tables get switched on you, the "deception" of the other person is not in question, more than the "stupidity" or gullibility of you actually believing it or not making sure it was apart of the contract before you signed it...in this case, inserted in your penis. It's rough IMO because I believe children should be brought into this world mutually, and intentionally because I believe it takes a lot of investment out of both parents...however in your case she's saying she's willing to go at it alone, but yeah right...that's about as full-proof as her Mayan pregnancy calender...expect to pay, and be apart of the process more than you may like to, but hey look on the bright-side, maybe you'll feel differently about it once your child is there in front of you...who knows, maybe the next president! (probably not) At any rate, yes you made a mistake, your gut was telling you better but you let her guilt trip you into it with some manipulation tactic of her being a "whore"...you should have told her if she was a whore you'll be leaving after a quick shower. But really, she's got you by the balls now....she knows that, and now you have to accept that without her consent you're going to be a daddy to a honey booboo child. You'll have to really sit down and talk to her about this again, if this means the end of the relationship I can understand your choice on that part...she obviously wants marriage and children and you're taking too long in her eyes and she wants something out of it. Once family finds out or gets involved, then your @ss is going to be grass too...however I believe you have to think really hard about this and the situation, I get the whole "man-up" thing...but at the same time, I don't know if your heart is really into settling down with this woman and therefore I don't think you should throw yourself into a marriage and family life you don't if you're going to resent her and what you were "forced" into...I wouldn't let it have a domino effect on your life, even though you will have no choice in some things, you've got a lot to think about...whether she betrayed you or not you're not going to be able to prove it anyway, and she'd likely just deny it or make up some excuse, but that's kind of too late now...time to assess this relationship. At the end of the day, she convinced you to do something stupid and you were stupid enough to do it...got to own your part. 3
FitChick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Convince her to adopt the baby out to a married couple who are well educated and well off financially. It will be a much better life. Otherwise, I agree that she is trying to trap you into marriage, so totally break off the relationship, don't just threaten to. Have that last talk about how you will take her to the abortion clinic. If she won't go you are done and will have your lawyer contact her. Also demand a paternity test. You never really know for sure if it's your child, regardless. 1
melell Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 If a female is fertile, and wants a baby, it is pretty easy for her to get pregnant. You have to really really trust someone to leave the issue in their hands, that is why guys need to be proactive about this. I see a few scenarios 1. A girl wants a baby, she gets pregnant. 2. A girl wants a baby, she is trying to get pregnant. 3. A girl doesn't want a baby, she avoids it. 4. Accidental conception 5. A girl wants a baby, she can't get pregnant. 6. A couple are debating whether or not to try/trying/avoiding. Which is most likely?
melell Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Are you crazy? The rhythm method is very ineffective. Even if she was trying to do it right it requires daily tempature taking, mucus observation and is only remotely reliable after MONTHS of careful charting. If it was so easy all women would be doing it. This is very true. I use natural birth control, temping and the works. It is a major annoyance, but my preferred option. My ex had to completely trust me with this. For anyone who's partner is using this method- keep in mind that it makes it exceptionally easy to conceive if that becomes their intention. 2
scorpiogirl Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Yes she did. And nobody held a gun to your head to have sex with her. Poor baby. 2
nescafe1982 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 OP I sincerely hope you learn to take some responsibility for yourself and your actions in the next 9 months. That's a skill you will certainly need if you're going to be any kind of a father. Who seriously goes along with regular unprotected sex and thinks anything other than pregnancy would result? She didn't "trick" you into this. You were party to it. 3
Mascara Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 A man who takes control of his own fertility CANNOT be tricked. When are men going to get this? "But she said" is NOT a method of birth control. You weren't forced to have sex, presumably you researched the rhythm method and its effectiveness, and asked for confirmation and information each time you had sex regarding the ovulation stage results for that day? No? Then you were agreeing to the possibility of pregnancy. Someone who is taking every precaution that THEY can take cannot be tricked. You either trust that this was an accident - which with this method is VERY likely, and you said you do trust her (she could have just pretended she was on birth control) - or you stop playing the victim and accept that this is pretty much your fault too. 7
runningfar Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Very brief background: EXTREMELY trustworthy GF of 3 years who I live with. She is easily the most honest and trustworthy person I've dated (doesn't lock her phone/email/etc, never has cheated on me, etc). She's in her 30s and wants to get married and have a baby. I told her I'm not ready yet. She said fine. She got off of IUD birth control recently. She can't go on pill for health reasons. Fine. I wanted to start using condoms. She said no becaue she hates them. I said OK but I want to pull out before ejaculation and she got furious when I did saying it makes her feel like a hooker. Meanwhile she was using an ovulation calendar and swore by it saying there is no way she could get pregnant if we simply follow the dates. When i would show skepticism, she would get mad saying "there's NO WAY I can get pregnant using the calendar." And she promised she would get an abortion if she god forbid got pregnant. So I trusted her and went with her plan reluctantly and didn't pull out anymore. The incident: She's pregnant. But now she's saying she might not want an abortion. And that she could take care of kid on her own and so on. Now I'm furious because I told her that a) she insisted, despite my questioning and skepticism, that the ovulation calendar was foolproof, b) she would get furious that I wanted to use birth control, and c) that she promised she would have an abortion, which now she says she's not sure she will because at her age women don't get abortions and she's getting to the age where she won't be able to have kids. Questions for you: 1. Did I get played? Or was it an honest mistake on her part? 2. What would you do if you were me? Uhhh so you didn't do any research on your own? No medical journals needed... you simply could have google "rhythm method efficacy" It's quite possible she believed rhythm was very effective if she didn't research it. I've had friends in the past swear that it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, no artificial hormones... 'Course, one now has 6 kids (married) and her and her husband still believe in it. 2
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