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Random painful days...

sambo77

By sambo77
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

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Oh...f*** this. I'm sorry...but this post is pure desperation, exhaustion, and frustration speaking.

 

I am so very tired of feeling like I'm making progress only to wake up to a day that hits me like a f***** express train. It's like God (if this were his doing) randomly decides to turn up the pain...just for a laugh...then he'll tone it down again. I'm not amused, God...I've almost had enough of this. I'm starting to forget what it's like to have a life that doesn't feel as though every moment is wading through treacle. Every moment is more difficult than it ought to be.

 

Today has been the worst day since it happened. It's day 14 of NC and about 6 weeks out.

 

I woke up at 5 am. I was dreaming about her...we were tightly cuddled up together, naked, in our warm bed. I could feel every sensation. The temperature of her skin, the softness of her body, I could even smell her hair. Awoke to the realisation she wasn't there. F***.

 

She hasn't contacted me. No idea what she's up to. My mind started leaning towards the possibility that she's having an awesome time. That I'm ancient history. She will be dating, partying, screwing. Maybe already found the perfect guy. And I...well...deep inside I just want her back.

 

Man...it's like she just woke up one day with emotional amnesia. Forgot that she'd ever loved me. I'm sure I'm not making it up, I KNOW she used to love me. I have the pictures, the memories, the artefacts to prove it. But they mean nothing...no more than a museum full of fossils and bones are all we have left as evidence dinosaurs once roamed the earth.

 

Today the tears are just turning themselves on at will, in the supermarket, the coffee shop, watching fireworks with my son (saw couples holding each other as they watched the display...saw a family with young kids, like we used to be), walking down the street...all the while I'm having to fight back tears. I feel crazy. WTF can't I get past this?

 

Two weeks NC and my thoughts are turning to contact again...strong, strong desire to do it today. Would love to test the water. But haven't. I'm weak today. I miss her more than ever...my thoughts are all over the place...my strength is sapped. If it wasn't for my son I'd be dusting off the white flag :(

loveofhorses1970 Established Member

loveofhorses1970

Posted
Posted

I'm sure everyone on here has had that exact same experience, emotionally. I know I have and still do. Hope it gets better for you.

  • Like 1
Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

Posted
Posted

I'm 10 months out and had one of those days yesterday. It happens less frequently but when it does it totally kicks my ass. It really is amazing to spend years with someone and suddenly they're gone. The truth is when those days happen I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life alone. Every negative thought rushes in and takes over. But the truth is we will survive, push on and find someone who will give us all those feelings back.

  • Like 3
BrightHope Member

BrightHope

Posted
Posted
Oh...f*** this. I'm sorry...but this post is pure desperation, exhaustion, and frustration speaking.

 

I am so very tired of feeling like I'm making progress only to wake up to a day that hits me like a f***** express train. It's like God (if this were his doing) randomly decides to turn up the pain...just for a laugh...then he'll tone it down again. I'm not amused, God...I've almost had enough of this. I'm starting to forget what it's like to have a life that doesn't feel as though every moment is wading through treacle. Every moment is more difficult than it ought to be.

 

Today has been the worst day since it happened. It's day 14 of NC and about 6 weeks out.

 

I woke up at 5 am. I was dreaming about her...we were tightly cuddled up together, naked, in our warm bed. I could feel every sensation. The temperature of her skin, the softness of her body, I could even smell her hair. Awoke to the realisation she wasn't there. F***.

 

She hasn't contacted me. No idea what she's up to. My mind started leaning towards the possibility that she's having an awesome time. That I'm ancient history. She will be dating, partying, screwing. Maybe already found the perfect guy. And I...well...deep inside I just want her back.

 

Man...it's like she just woke up one day with emotional amnesia. Forgot that she'd ever loved me. I'm sure I'm not making it up, I KNOW she used to love me. I have the pictures, the memories, the artefacts to prove it. But they mean nothing...no more than a museum full of fossils and bones are all we have left as evidence dinosaurs once roamed the earth.

 

Today the tears are just turning themselves on at will, in the supermarket, the coffee shop, watching fireworks with my son (saw couples holding each other as they watched the display...saw a family with young kids, like we used to be), walking down the street...all the while I'm having to fight back tears. I feel crazy. WTF can't I get past this?

 

Two weeks NC and my thoughts are turning to contact again...strong, strong desire to do it today. Would love to test the water. But haven't. I'm weak today. I miss her more than ever...my thoughts are all over the place...my strength is sapped. If it wasn't for my son I'd be dusting off the white flag :(

 

I'm so sorry. Emotional amnesia is a good way to describe it. It just seems surreal that someone could change their minds, isn't it? I'm just putting in time. Confident that after enough time has passed, I'll be over this. I wish it was today. It's not and I don't know when it will be. I wish I could tell you the same thing....that in this many days you will be over it. It's simply not the way it is. Keep putting in the time and know that it's getting you closer to moving on. Thinking of you!

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sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

Posted
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I'm 10 months out and had one of those days yesterday. It happens less frequently but when it does it totally kicks my ass. It really is amazing to spend years with someone and suddenly they're gone. The truth is when those days happen I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life alone. Every negative thought rushes in and takes over. But the truth is we will survive, push on and find someone who will give us all those feelings back.

 

You sum it up well. I really hope you're right...cos on days like this I have to take the idea that this will all be over some day on pure blind faith alone. I don't see it on the horizon, it ain't getting easier, I don't know how long it's gonna take...but I just hope and have faith that if I keep breathing my next breath it might end one day.

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sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

Posted
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Posted
I'm so sorry. Emotional amnesia is a good way to describe it. It just seems surreal that someone could change their minds, isn't it? I'm just putting in time. Confident that after enough time has passed, I'll be over this. I wish it was today. It's not and I don't know when it will be. I wish I could tell you the same thing....that in this many days you will be over it. It's simply not the way it is. Keep putting in the time and know that it's getting you closer to moving on. Thinking of you!

 

Thanks. Yeah,...like being made to go for a run but not being told how long you'll have to go for...could be a mile, could be 1000 miles. Just gotta run...faithfully.

Salvatore85 Established Member

Salvatore85

Posted
Posted
You sum it up well. I really hope you're right...cos on days like this I have to take the idea that this will all be over some day on pure blind faith alone. I don't see it on the horizon, it ain't getting easier, I don't know how long it's gonna take...but I just hope and have faith that if I keep breathing my next breath it might end one day.

 

There is nothing wrong with blind faith, it's much better than no faith at all. I guess the reality is we all control whether or not we end up happy. I've been sad and upset and it's accomplished nothing. I'm now getting to a point where I'm ready to take the world by storm or at least I feel that way. I'm ready to make new friends, improve my career and lifestyle. I can accomplish all of these things and I won't let some ex-girlfriend who thought I wasn't worth it anymore hold me back.

AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
Posted

Having one of those myself. Ran into a guy, I don't think it was him, just looked like him on the street he other day with a couple of women and a couple of dogs.

 

Yeah.

 

I'm a couple months out myself, and it wasn't even that long of a relationship. Wish I would have gone NC.

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sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

Posted
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Having one of those myself. Ran into a guy, I don't think it was him, just looked like him on the street he other day with a couple of women and a couple of dogs.

 

Yeah.

 

I'm a couple months out myself, and it wasn't even that long of a relationship. Wish I would have gone NC.

 

Sorry you're also having a rubbish day Anya. Sometimes shorter relationships are harder to lose because it can get cut off while everything's still on an upward trajectory, hasn't even plateaued or started to decline yet. Are you still not doing NC?

J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted

I'm right there with you man.

 

I'd be like "ok I'm finally over it." then 2 hours later I start thinking about her and what could've been.

 

I hate my brain sometimes.

  • Like 4
Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
Posted

With you on this. Take care my friend.

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AnyaNova Established Member

AnyaNova

Posted
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Sorry you're also having a rubbish day Anya. Sometimes shorter relationships are harder to lose because it can get cut off while everything's still on an upward trajectory, hasn't even plateaued or started to decline yet. Are you still not doing NC?

 

I would be NC for nearly 50, but I think it is 22? Since I broke it. I meant NC in July when he broke up with me, and it would have been nice normal and he was so cold.

 

Instead we kept in touch and it is a long story, but it can be found with the threads link on my profile, called, "what happened, I don't understand" or something like that. Upshot we ended up parting in September, it appears from everything that he probably had severe attachment issues and sent me away because he loved me (which was pretty obvious that last night). But that much need for me while sending me away. Just made it so much more painful and confusing.

 

Anyway, these days do come, and thankfully they go.

  • Like 1
JDPT Established Member

JDPT

Posted
Posted

Ride it Sambo. I know the feeling lately I've just been so out of it. I get a bit anxious as I feel that I'm regressing and yes the pain can certainly interfere with sound judgement. It will get better and believe it or not as days go by one by one you ARE making process albeit you may not agree right now. You will look back and see an old you and in the same breath look at yourself now and see the new and improved you. Continue to heal be strong we are all in this.

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