azzer2000 Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Hi, Iv been split up with me ex now for about 2.5 months, wed been together for 5.5 years, at first i was kind of accepting it, but still ringing and texting her regularly, (how does this no conntact rule work?). I do love her and i do want her back. But the main problem has started now, she had started hanging round woth some of my work mates. So i know her every move and when and where she is going out. I have to listen to it every day and live with the worry that shell end up with one of my mates. She is constantly on my mind, and iv dated another girl scince, but dare not get serious incase my ex wants me back. What should i do? and how long does this ncr last?
bebop Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Well, No Contact means exactly that. I've noticed that some folks make exemptions - i.e. - text only is okay. Or AIMs only. Or e-mails only. Or answering-machine messages only. Etcetera. I don't understand that, for someone who has decided on No Contact. Decide, then, Partial Contact, if one must. It's ALL contact. E-contact, phone contact, it's ALL CONTACT. JEEZ. With or without a response to it, SOMEBODY IS CONTACTING SOMEBODY. No Contact is outstanding because it protects a person emotionally, it establishes a boundary, and it establishes an initial clarity in a muddy circumstance. It isn't the right answer every time, but it's the right answer most of the time. Your situation is difficult because you share acquaintances (workmates) now. Even if you follow No Contact to the letter on your part, you now have to deal with this connection. If there is a way to extricate, do so. If not, you'll have to just deal with it in whatever manner is best in your own judgment. The NC rule lasts until either the other person makes contact with you, at which time the theory is you both figure out whether or not there is anything worth saving - or until the injured party is over it and doesn't give a flying rat's backside whether the other person contacts them or not.
moon Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 she had started hanging round woth some of my work mates. So i know her every move and when and where she is going out. I have to listen to it every day and live with the worry that shell end up with one of my mates. It looks like your ex doesn't know the meaning of no contact if 'she's started hanging round' your work mates. It seems like maybe you should have a talk with your work mates and explain that you are trying not to have a lot to do with her because it is painful to you. I know you're not contacting her either, but I think this might be a good time to explain to her also that her hanging around your work mates is hard for you. Now if my ex suddenly resurfaced and was trying to make contact with my friends or family (which he wouldn't do) I might start with them (family and friends)......saying come on, I want to move on here, don't you get that. It sounds selfish, but I think sometimes it needs to be said. Then if you are in a situation where you can talk to this girl, I might tell her that she is making things very hard for you. It definately sounds like she's playing games. My ex and I don't have a lot of mutual friends. But we did have one. When me and my ex broke up this other friend would contact me and wanted to know how I was. I know it's not the greatest thing to do, but I responded a few times and then cut contact. I don't want to play those games. We all know when we are playing those games. She's playing games with you---she's probably getting info about you from them too. This is particularly true if she didn't have much contact with these people before and now she does after the break up. It is another way, in a sense, for her to contact you or to find out what you're doing. She should wake up to what she is doing. Now, keep your cool here. You could come off like some jealous bastard. I'd just sort of put that out there to your friends (explaining everything thoroughly) and if you are in touch with this girl tell her that you are trying to maintain no contact. Now I am not saying this is going to work or not.....or that it might even have bad consequences. But you only have one other choice............find a new job. Because this is gonna kill you. She sounds like she might be trying to get even with you somehow and is treading into dangerous territory. So I might make an exception here and try to get your point across. Otherwise, you could also just get unfriendly with your work mates, which isn't what you want to do. Your ex is being sort of childish in my opinion. Sje's walking into your territory and that's unkind especially if she dumped you.
Author azzer2000 Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 Well, i did ring her about a week ago and told her that it was pissing me off, hanging around with my workmates. At first she said she'll do what she wants when she wants, then she rang back saying she aint gonna do it anymore, and my mate says he hasnt seen her, but i know theyre all goin out at the weekend. I noticed that when i dont contact her for about 2 weeks, she texts me asking how im doing?? which is strange. When i see my mates now, i really avoid talking about it to them, cus i never know what will get back to her. Iv decided i really am gonna make no contact now, so ill have to see how things go over the next couple of weeks, im guessing shell text me at christmas, do i reply or not??
bebop Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Only you can really answer that. I just last night broke strict No Contact with spectacular results, but I had a very unusual situation happening. I'd be reluctant to try and advise you on this other than to tell you to trust and follow your own instincts.
alphamale Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 No Contact should be fairly self-explanatory and it can last from one day to the end of time.
theone44 Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by azzer2000 Hi, Iv been split up with me ex now for about 2.5 months, wed been together for 5.5 years, at first i was kind of accepting it, but still ringing and texting her regularly, (how does this no conntact rule work?). I do love her and i do want her back. But the main problem has started now, she had started hanging round woth some of my work mates. So i know her every move and when and where she is going out. I have to listen to it every day and live with the worry that shell end up with one of my mates. She is constantly on my mind, and iv dated another girl scince, but dare not get serious incase my ex wants me back. What should i do? and how long does this ncr last? Stand up and tell your mates , please do not mention anything about my ex.
Author azzer2000 Posted December 17, 2004 Author Posted December 17, 2004 well, i started changing the subject with my mates, and they dont metion her now (well at least not for the last few days.) But im kind off thinking all the time what shes doing and even tempted to drive past her house sometimes to see if her cars home . Thats probably not a good idea tho
theone44 Posted December 17, 2004 Posted December 17, 2004 Originally posted by azzer2000 well, i started changing the subject with my mates, and they dont metion her now (well at least not for the last few days.) But im kind off thinking all the time what shes doing and even tempted to drive past her house sometimes to see if her cars home . Thats probably not a good idea tho You two are broken-up now. she is no longer your problem now,and just leave her alone,if she want to come back to you she will need to do it on her own without your help. Don't tempt to drive by her house,if u get caught she can press charges for stalking. Stalking someone, these day's is a serious offense.
GreenCap Posted December 17, 2004 Posted December 17, 2004 It is always tough when you are the one who loves the other party more than they love you. Whatever method of coping you choose, the pain is there while they are the ones who are living their lives to the fullest and moving on. My ex of three years already found this new guy (probably read my sob story in other threads) within 3 months of our breakup and indicated that this would be the person she would marry. This is what happens when you contact your ex and care so much that you want to know what's going on with their lives. What would that serve, you will only feel twice as worse before you contacted her. They left and they have to be the ones to come back, your efforts to demonstrate you want her back notwithstanding. She obviously has to know that you love her and want to get back. So looking at their perspective, put yourself in their shoes, to see what would make them want to come back. Obviously, this is too late for me to do and I don't mean to suggest it is as easy as it sounds for I promised no contact but I did just the same. I can only make sure do well and live well, so that they can see you in your prime and (if there is a God) make them regret their decision to leave in the first place.
Author azzer2000 Posted December 17, 2004 Author Posted December 17, 2004 that was good advice, thanks
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