crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I've posted the same response in another thread but IMO the only opposite sex friendships that are appropriate are friendships that occured before the relationship started, or other people in your circle (i.e spouse of a friend, etc). Anything else usually involves inappropriate feelings on one or both persons behalf. 1
denise_xo Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 what4, why don't you tell your husband everything you have told us, and suggest that the two of you invite this friend over for dinner. Then you prove to your husband, and yourself, that your new friend is not a threat to your marriage. If you are uncomfortable with introducing him to your husband, and with telling your husband how close the two of you are, then the 'friendship' isn't really a friendship.
Author What4 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Thank you all for the replies. I do understand and appreciate all the advice. I'm working things out
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I'm working things out Would you care to share HOW you are "working things out?" You have stated here - and in other threads - that you don't see anything wrong with friendships with the opposite sex. I have given you an example of how to have friendships of the opposite sex that are healthy for you and your marriage. Have you determined that your friendship is not a healthy one to your marriage and are trying to change that?
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 discussing your relationship with anyone other than your husband is a msitake...especially men..especially since the time you tend to want to talk about it is when there are serious problems..and so that guy then knows what you really dont like and then can be exactly what you like..i have had this happen learned my lesson young.i said goodbye to the friendship..problems ahead if you dont... you dont talk about when you made mad passionate love under the kitchen table ok the bed then,you talk about your relationship with others when you are pissed.....and that is when you should exactly be talking to your partner and no other......unless it is in couples therapy......you shouldnt actually talk about intimate relationships with the opposite sex .....they get the wrong idea .....so distance yourself from this friendship doesnt sound a positive interaction and can only end with someone getting hurt.......i do believe men and women can be friends ......if ,...as other posters have stated...the partner is aware and knows the guys too and is comfortable with the friendship continuing.....otherwise its no......deb
Author What4 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 I am still deciding exactly what I want to do. I could lie and say "I'm never going to talk to him again and end the friendship" but I know that's not going to happen especially just overnight. And as I said I'm not looking for justification I wanted some outside opinions and I got that and I thank you all for that. Yes I do still think it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex and I know that I'm going to be disagreed with but I do think its possible. I've always had more male friends and yes before it's asked I do have women friends too but I'm my opinion women tend to be more self involved and wear there feeling on there sleeves. Again that's just my opinion
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Yes I do still think it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex and I know that I'm going to be disagreed with but I do think its possible. I have agreed with you and told you how *I* handle my male friendships and do believe it is possible. You haven't answered our questions on YOUR male friendship: Do you confide and share with him things about your marriage that could be construed as inappropriate? Does your husband know about your friendship? Can you be open about your friendship with your husband? How you answer these questions is critical and you have not been forthright with us on these issues.
Author What4 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Yes my husband knows about the friendship. I don't confide specific marital problems with him no but if something has come up over a certain issue yes I've made comments or given my opinion. And there are some things that I probably wouldn't tell my husband and I know that is something I need to fix.
Quiet Storm Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 My husband and I don't have opposite sex friends. Our view is that our marriage is something that should be protected and respected. I think discussing your marriage problems with an opposite sex friend is disrespectful and puts your marriage at risk. Talking about your marriage, disagreements, concerns & habits gives you an outlet & provides validation. Over time, this can diminish the marriage bond because you resolve the issues through discussion with your "friend", who is more likely to be empathetic towards you (as they are only hearing your side), instead of turning to your husband to discuss & resolve the issues. The validation and positive feedback you get from your friend, will make you feel good in comparison to the conflict & compromise that comes from discussing marriage issues with your husband. The friend becomes your cheerleader. The "feel good" feelings lead to comfortability & familiarity, which makes it much more likely that you will slide down the slippery slope to infidelity. You begin to share feelings, flirt, attraction builds, anticipation... and the lies to your husband begin. If you view your marriage & something that should be treasured & protected, and have good boundaries, then you can avoid any blurred lines. When you have an issue with your husband, the conflict should be dealt with between the two of you. 1
CarrieT Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 What4, so you ever have secret fantasies - either emotional or sexual - about your friend? Also, do you ever find yourself comparing your friend to your husband?
Lemonitaz Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 So my two cents is that theoretically yes, you can have friends of the opposite sex while married. HOWEVER, I think that you and your husband should discuss if it bothers either of you. Maybe your husband will not care that you have this friend, but if he does, then it would be appropriate to discontinue the friendship. Would you be okay with your husband having female friends of the same nature as your friendship with this dude?
Author What4 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 I don't have any fantasies about my friend I know that for sure and I don't compare him to my husband. I'm not going to deny that he does give me an emotional support that I feel is missing sometimes. And yes I know that is not a good place to be
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Yes I do still think it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex and I know that I'm going to be disagreed with but I do think its possible. I've always had more male friends and yes before it's asked I do have women friends too but I'm my opinion women tend to be more self involved and wear there feeling on there sleeves. Again that's just my opinion What you've described isn't a friend, it's an emotional affair partner. I have lots of female friends. And the conversations I have with them are the same discussions I'd have if my wife or their husband were standing next to us. What you're doing is different, secretive, deceptive and wrong... Mr. Lucky
tired girl Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 How would it feel to you to find out that your H was doing this same exact thing with another woman? 1
MissBee Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) If someone is genuinely just a friend, I am uncertain as to why it requires our input. You asking must mean you think something is wrong with it but are trying to convince yourself otherwise. I do not think that married people can't have opposite sex friends. You can. It's a matter of boundaries, transparency and not playing the fool by becoming too intimate and chummy then trying to defend it as just friendship if you begin to feel there is more of an attraction there and you use them emotionally in the way you should your partner. Having a "best friend" who is of the opposite sex might be more disrespectful as that closeness could potentially undermine your relationship but I don't think any and all opposite sex friends are a threat, as friendships vary in degrees of closeness and I think if you're married you should alter those degrees of closeness in order to respect your marriage, which doesn't mean throwing away a friendship altogether. Edited November 21, 2013 by MissBee 1
carhill Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Wanted some thoughts on opposite sex friendships. Quick background story I am married and have a child and started working with a guy and we quickly became friends well now a year or so later we still work together and are really close friends. He is also married. I don't see anything wrong with friendship, we talk a lot due to working right beside each other and flirt some too. I just wanted some thoughts on the situation Responding to the OP, my suggestion is for you and he and your respective spouses to get together for some socializing, like inviting them over for drinks and a backyard BBQ or going out to dinner/bowling/theater, etc as two couples. Generally, opposite gender friendships when LTR/M are healthy if they're transparent and each friend is a supporter of the other's LTR/M. If you're going to 'flirt', be sure to do it in front of your spouse so there is no ambiguity. It's just harmless flirting so no problem. Good luck.
chucksagent Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I hate the term "harmless flirting." I honestly do. I only think "harmless flirting" can happen with people you 100% would never want to sleep with. If you are physically attracted to someone, it is VERY easy to blur the lines. Heck, even if just close in age it's scary. I think you can "harmlessly flirt" with the 65 year old woman slicing your meat at the grocery story deli, but that's about it. Here is some Gold for all you people out there. We are human beings. Human beings are flawed. Human beings make mistakes. How can you mitigate this? PUT YOURSELVES IN SITUATIONS TO SUCCEED...NOT TO FAIL. It's like the old football adage that a coach will say. "I can only put my players in good positions to succeed, the rest is up to them." Sure, someone can still succeed in a bad situation, but its 100 times harder. Like when ya hear a married woman say "I can go out clubbing and getting drunk with my girls!" Yes, you MAY be able to...even if you PROBABLY could...why not do dinner and a movie? Or if you wanna get drunk, do so at one of the girls houses with only your girlies around? (All of this applies to men too). DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN BAD SITUATIONS. You sit next to some dude at work you find attractive. Just be cordial. You don't have to joke and laugh, and tell intimate life details. Pretend you are the boss or a manager, how would you act? Professionally...there is no law against regular employees acting professionally too.
carhill Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I hate the term "harmless flirting." I honestly do. I only think "harmless flirting" can happen with people you 100% would never want to sleep with. If you are physically attracted to someone, it is VERY easy to blur the lines. Heck, even if just close in age it's scary. I think you can "harmlessly flirt" with the 65 year old woman slicing your meat at the grocery story deli, but that's about it. If the spouse is disclosed and approves, then it's harmless, regardless of what outsiders characterize the actions to be. In a relationship, the rules and dynamics are specific to *that* relationship. I often see this kind of harmless flirting going on in my social circle, often at large gatherings, where spouses will mingle and flirt with other's spouses and occasionally give their own spouse a 'wink' across the room. It's social interaction, no deception is involved and everyone knows everyone. That was the thrust of my statements to the OP. If she and her H wish to follow a different relationship path, that is their choice, just as it is hers to have, or not have, opposite gender friends. Choices have consequences and she apparently wanted, and received, input on those consequences. I hope the discussion was helpful to her. 1
JamesM Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I hate the term "harmless flirting." I honestly do. I only think "harmless flirting" can happen with people you 100% would never want to sleep with. If you are physically attracted to someone, it is VERY easy to blur the lines. Heck, even if just close in age it's scary. I think you can "harmlessly flirt" with the 65 year old woman slicing your meat at the grocery story deli, but that's about it. Here is some Gold for all you people out there. We are human beings. Human beings are flawed. Human beings make mistakes. How can you mitigate this? PUT YOURSELVES IN SITUATIONS TO SUCCEED...NOT TO FAIL. First off, you are being age discriminatory. To a 50 year old, the age doesn't make a difference. I know of a lady who is almost 69, and you would swear she is ten years less. Yes, I have harmlessly flirted with her. She is great. So is her husband. Second, you assume that it is harmless to flirt with a 65 year old lady slicing your meat (no double meanings intended ), but you must assume that a younger woman is not so harmless. As a 40ish guy, what age IS harmless? If I flirt with the twenty year old who is "slicing my meat," is this okay since she is my daughter's age? Or is it only harmless if I flirt with someone old enough to be my mother? One would be flattered and the other would call me a "dirty old man," methinks. I have no problem when my wife tells me of a guy who flirted with her, or is she implies she did it. I feel safe that if she is telling me, then she is considering it harmless. I know she rarely does it. And honestly, I don't know that either of us are good at "sexually" flirting as opposed to "teasing" flirting. (BTW, both could lead to cheating technically). Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing called harmless flirting. And if it is simply that, then it can be flattering to the one being flirted with. However, if the flirting comes off as crass or as a sexual come on, it is downright offensive to many. But a true "opposite friendship" should NOT include ANY flirting if it involves married individuals. Chuck, I agree with everything else you said in that post. I simply think that there is such a thing called harmless flirting that has no intention of anything more. I have told my wife that the women are friendlier to me if I wear my wedding ring or after they find I am married, then if they think I am not. And my wife's response: "That is because they see you as "safe" and attached. They don't feel that you will take them wrong." 1
chucksagent Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 JamesM - I guess I can agree with that to a degree. I just know how I feel inside. I don't feel guilty or weird or over-stepping bounds when I flirt with an older (elderly) lady. I wouldn't flirt with a 20 year old girl, period, harmless or not...I just don't think they have the maturity level (on the whole) and I'd feel creepy. This has nothing to do with anyone else, but if my wife has some sexy best friend who is hilarious, I will feel guilty cracking inside jokes and flirting with her. Whereas if I know my butcher Rose by name, a 68 year old woman I see once a week in a grocery story atmosphere vs. my wifes best friend, drinking, in a dim lit private party, I feel ok with Rose the old Butcher and NOT ok with my wifes hot best friend drinking at a party. (My wife doesn't have a hot best friend, I am just making an example.) But JamesM makes a good point I would like to take further. Opposite sex friends IF TRUE FRIENDS should be treated like a same sex friend. Do I flirt with my buddy Mike? Does susan flirt with her friend Tammy? No. Of course not. So don't say "We're just innocent opposite sex friends." And then say "Yeah, we flirt occasionally." Because what that REALLY means is, you are enjoying your cake and eating it too.
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