Glamourgeek Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Hey all, I'm going kind of crazy in my relationship of 6 years and i would love some (any) perspective. We are 26, met in third year of University doing our bachelors degrees, and were always great friends throughout that time. I started a masters of architecture two years ago, and am almost done it. He works during the day in business making a stupid amount of money, but it is not his passion. He is waiting for me to be done to go do a masters degree in writing. In the mean time he spends every evening writing. I get lots of affection in passing, and we have scheduled date night once per week to have some time where i see more than the back of his head at his computer, but it doesnt happen unless i remind him. I've been feeling quite lonely seeing him only one evening per week, usually after I've caved and asked about date night in order to get the ball rolling. I recently asked if we could maybe have one weekday evening or just a few hours after dinner once a week, in addition to the weekend evening, and he gave me the spiel about his goals, and how he doesnt want to give me unreasonable expectations, although he agreed, in general yes. Its now unspokenly fallen on me to interrupt his writing to schedule said time, which he clearly doesnt want to spend, so i wont do it. Even generally asking him, "hey, when can we hang out this week" feels like i'm trying to change him, which is not healthy, i know. He is very kind, and open, and so i've told him about my feelings, and he has basically said in the nicest way, "im not going to change, now or in the future, so its up to you to leave if thats how you feel, because i'm not going to" He is cool as ice on the prospect because he would rather see me leave than be unhappy because he does love me as much as he can. Sometimes he can tell I'm dissapointed he is writing all night, and that its comes off as needy. I am a very independant person, have tons of single friends, hobbies, and a f*cking hard architecture program to worry about, and it kills me to think i'm just another needy woman begging for scraps of time. It is true that i'm emotionally isolated because I'm supporting several of my close friends through their crisises, and that i'm perhaps looking for him to make me happy, when i should be doing that for myself, but on the other hand, 5 hours a weekeend after he has done his writing for the day doesn't seem like enough, even for someone who isn't too 'needy'. He's really worth the dilemma though. Smart (I have had trouble finding partners in the past to relate to intellectually), hilarious (he's also a stand up comic, in his 'free time'), sweet, goofy, caring, ambitious and sucessful - never passive aggressive, and into many of the same interests as me - really the issue is just that i want my amazing boyfriend of six years to want to spend more time with me, and he does not, but is very happy with me. I don't know whether to focus on not being too needy, or to just accept that I have more needs than this person is capable of meeting and leave this unique snowflake of a person I am stupid in love with. Ah life. Please internet! Weigh in.
gaius Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I think you just need to figure out what you can and can't do without. Have you ever dated a guy that's not super ambitious? That has more time to spare? Do you get off on this guys drive or is it more other factors? If you can't do without the lifestyle and ambition then find ways of coping with the lack of attention. Find a male friend who adores you maybe. If you can do without, maybe think about breaking up and finding a guy who can devote more time to you. Because you just can't have everything in life. A guy who makes a ton of money, is at the top of his field and has plenty of time to spare. Gotta sacrifice somewhere.
Author Glamourgeek Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Thanks Gaius, I have always dated men with passions in life (guitar, painting, writing), leaving me more a convenience than a priority. I mention the money more to say that he is sort of a workaholic by choice, not necessity. We actually don't pool our finances, so i'm broke as **** and my lifestyle is certainly not glamorous. I am attracted to passions, to work ethic in a creative field, because talent and entitlement gets a person no where, and his dedication to his dreams is inspirational to me, but also painful to understand I am not one of his dreams, nor will any woman be. He also 'got serious' about his goals in the last two years or so, so the dynamic has changed - possibly from passion to obsession. I would be happier if he was a broke ass writer for a day job, but with me being in school, I can't support him yet. I guess I'm seeing that no matter how much time is 'freed up' for him, say if I am the breadwinner (kind of the plan for now) I will never be permitted to occupy more of his time. Is it a case of wanting to have it all? I'm still not sure.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Most ambitious guys will find themselves having trouble in relationships....Unless they pair up with an equally ambitious woman...If the woman isnt a real "go getter" type, she is going to feel like the guy is ignoring her and not making her feel all "spesh-ull"... Most women will leave an ambitious, successful (and oftentimes wealthy) guy for a broke but available one- every day of the week...Then they'll sit around and complain about having no money.. YMMV TFY 1
Grumpybutfun Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Glamourgeek: I can only share with you my experience with a super ambitious writer. My wife of nearly 20 years is a professional political journalist and a novelist. She is successful at both and I am extremely proud of her. She also gets into writing mode in which she is practically glued to the computer. She has deadlines, commitment and since I am also a very hard worker, I understand her dedication. She is creative, and I am analytical and we have made this work for us. (I am an Engineer.) However, there are two differences in our situations. She makes it very clear to me by her actions and her commitments to me that I am the most important thing in her life...over writing, over her family, over her friends, over her career. She will make time to be with me and makes me a priority even though she works extremely hard. I do the same. She is a person, my ambitions are things. Secondly, we do not see ourselves as wanting to have it all...we just want to have what we work for. We work hard on our careers, our hobbies, our families to a lesser extent and especially hard on our marriage... ergo, we have everything we want. The key word is "we." Anything can be achieved or worked through if the two people are equally invested. If he is not as invested in the relationship then you will always feel slighted. You have to decide if that is what you want for your one life you get on this earth. The Analytical One, Grumps 1
Author Glamourgeek Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Aww, thanks Grumps, your response really struck a chord with me, and I appreciate the insight. I have been told directly that the writing is and always will be first priority, above me - and to a degree I have been okay with that for years, because I have my own life and ambitions too, and have never relished the idea of a relationship defining me, but its true, I just want more 'we' and 'our' not a 50-50 - but maybe a 70-30? Its tough because there is no compromise, no negotiation, no options. He is super, and besides the lack of investment in me at the moment, all I could ever want in a parter, but it is a total take it or leave it situation, and I feel paralyzed with my own indecision. Here's hoping I figure it out - though your situation gives me a bit of hope that it is possible to find someone who is both an individual and interested in sharing life.
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