Janni Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Hey guys. So I am not doing so good, but I am out of bed, which is a step. I miss my ex, somehow. I don't miss him, but the memories. If that makes sense. I want him to contact me and I even feel a little voice telling me to check his fb and check if he's tried contacting me. But I wont. It wont bring any good. Well, what I really want some advice on is this: I have two rings, a necklace, a pair of earrings, some boots and so on, that he gave me during our six year relationship. I like all the jewelry, but whenever I wore it I did it to tell him I loved him. That was literaly the thought in my head when I put it on. The one ring I wore for the last 5,5 years. I still grab my finger to touch the ring from pure habit. It's awful. I haven't worn it for a month. Anyway. I don't know if I should sell the stuff? Throw it out? Give it away? Or send it back to him? Selling it: I am not working because of all this and need the money. But I feel weird selling stuff with such great sentimental value. Like it's "dirty" ? Idk. Throw out: A shame, since it's valuable. Give away: Again, it's valuable and it's "dirty" because of the sentimental value. Send it to him: Maybe he wants it. But mostly I'd do it to make a statement; I am done. Keep it hidden away somewhere: I dont think I will ever be able to wear the jewelry. Which is a shame, since I really really love some of it. But maybe with time?
Art_Critic Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I think you should put the jewelry away and not sell it, a sentimental object is always in better hands in your closet than at a pawn shop, if you keep it it will become a calming reminder of the good times in your past. those types of memory reminders are worth it. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Stuff is just stuff. But you may not be ready to part with it. You had some of this stuff for 5 years so 1 month is not a long time. I'd put it away for a while & then when some of the acute pain & grief subsides, you can sell it. At that point you may even have distanced yourself enough that you can wear it again. Meanwhile, you said you weren't working because you were so upset about the break up. Find a way to drag yourself to work. The routine will do you good.
im_thedude Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I've seen a lot of people post about how they've destroyed and deleted all photos from past relationships, and gotten rid of literally everything, jewelry included. It baffles me, personally. Put it all in a box, out of sight and out of mind! The end of my last relationship was hardly amicable and I'm still moving on, but I want to be able to have tangible things to look at years down the line when I've fully moved beyond all of this.
Renard99 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I've seen a lot of people post about how they've destroyed and deleted all photos from past relationships, and gotten rid of literally everything, jewelry included. It baffles me, personally. Put it all in a box, out of sight and out of mind! The end of my last relationship was hardly amicable and I'm still moving on, but I want to be able to have tangible things to look at years down the line when I've fully moved beyond all of this. I fully agree with im_thedude. The things in your past, whether they were good or bad, make you who you are today. In decades to come, when the memories start to fade, I want a tangible reminder of the path I walked that made me who I am. My advice is to put it all away in a box and leave it a while. How long that is is your decision. You can then come back to it and make a more informed decision. For example, as others have said, you may feel that enough time has past and you're comfortable wearing it again....or, maybe you do sell it, but at least you won't be in a hurry (assuming the emotional pain is gone) and can shop around to get the best price for it.
Mariposa10 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I'd have to disagree with the other posts... You need the money, he was kind of mean to you, he kind of tricked you at the end. So it's not like he was an amazing boyfriend who died being a saint. I say put it away for a little longer and then sell it. I would throw it away, but it has value then that wouldn't make sense. The other option, giving it back to him, that shouldn't even be an option.... Anyway, you two were together for 6 years, take your time. Don't be too hard on yourself. 2
Author Janni Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 First off, thank you for your replies. For those of you saying I should keep it as, eventually, a delightful reminder, I personally feel it as a reminder of how I thought he loved me, but in the end treated and still treats me as if I am in the wrong and am a horrible person. I dont know if you've read my story or if it would make a difference regarding your opinion. But I do appreciate it and I will definitely consider keeping it stashed away in a box, as it is now. Stuff is just stuff. But you may not be ready to part with it. You had some of this stuff for 5 years so 1 month is not a long time. I'd put it away for a while & then when some of the acute pain & grief subsides, you can sell it. At that point you may even have distanced yourself enough that you can wear it again. Meanwhile, you said you weren't working because you were so upset about the break up. Find a way to drag yourself to work. The routine will do you good. I do go to university and I am going there as much as I can. The reason I am not working is that it reminds me so much of him. I went once to try and see if I couldn't just pull through, but ended up going home early. It just reminds me so much of him and makes it all so much worse emotionally. During that one shift I almost cried in the middle of the store three times. I am looking for another job though. One that has no relations to him. I always loved my job and loved working, often 20-25 hours a week while going to uni at the same time. But this BU has really ruined it for me. And at the same time a lot of my colleagues are quitting and thinking about quitting. They are the main reason I love my job. I'd have to disagree with the other posts... You need the money, he was kind of mean to you, he kind of tricked you at the end. So it's not like he was an amazing boyfriend who died being a saint. I say put it away for a little longer and then sell it. I would throw it away, but it has value then that wouldn't make sense. The other option, giving it back to him, that shouldn't even be an option.... Thank you Mariposa10. I appreciate this and I do feel he wasn't fair to me and that keeping the stuff will always remind me of how he hurt and mistreated me in the end. But maybe I am wise to keep hold of the more sentimental things (the ring and the earrings I love so so so much) for longer, to hopefully be able to one day appreciate them and maybe even wear the earrings again. Anyway, you two were together for 6 years, take your time. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can't imagine how much it helps me to read this. It almost feels like a virtual hug. Thank you. 1
aybc123 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 (edited) Sell the stuff with the least sentimental value, like the boots or something you haven't had for too long. Keep the ring and anything else that is very sentimental (cards, letters, photos, valueless but meaningful mementos etc), dont wear it, just put it all in a box under your bed, that's what i do anyway. It has nothing to do with cherishing your ex if he isn't worth it, it's about respecting what was a significant part of your life imo. Also don't send the stuff to him, i mean, i don't know your story, maybe he was cruel to you and deserves it, but two wrongs don't make a right and sending things like that back is extremely cruel. Besides, it wouldnt even mean what you want it to mean right now, you aren't done yet (maybe in the sense you'd never go back you're done) but you still obviously have feelings for him, all you want to do by that at the moment is to hurt him back. I laughed at what you said about wearing it to show him you loved him though, a mutual friend put up some photos of an event that my ex was at the other week and i couldn't help but look to see if she was wearing anything i recognised . Edited November 2, 2013 by aybc123
Author Janni Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Sell the stuff with the least sentimental value, like the boots or something you haven't had for too long. Keep the ring and anything else that is very sentimental (cards, letters, photos, valueless but meaningful mementos etc), dont wear it, just put it all in a box under your bed, that's what i do anyway. It has nothing to do with cherishing your ex if he isn't worth it, it's about respecting what was a significant part of your life imo. Also don't send the stuff to him, i mean, i don't know your story, maybe he was cruel to you and deserves it, but two wrongs don't make a right and sending things like that back is extremely cruel. Besides, it wouldnt even mean what you want it to mean right now, you aren't done yet (maybe in the sense you'd never go back you're done) but you still obviously have feelings for him, all you want to do by that at the moment is to hurt him back. I laughed at what you said about wearing it to show him you loved him though, a mutual friend put up some photos of an event that my ex was at the other week and i couldn't help but look to see if she was wearing anything i recognised . Thanks aybc123. You're right. I will sell the boots and maybe some of the other less sentimental things. It's not like he gave me that much. I actually am a bit surprised (not the best word) how lsmall a box I have with stuff from him. We did spend 6 years together and all I have is a drawing we did together, two rings, a necklace, two pairs of earrings, two candles, a christmas calendar, the boots (which weren't even really a gift) and maybe two or three things other than that. It's strange.. When I think of all the things he's got from me. Thee's soooo much. A picture we drew together, a calendar with pictures of me I did specifically for him, two or three leather bracelets, his bathrobe, a small painting I did, a "The world's greatest man" statue, a dvd and so on. There's so much. Yes, you are completely right about the whole "sending stuff back." He cheated on me and left me for her and I want him to hurt as much as I did. But one person said to me "Only send the things back, if that is the person you want to be." and it isn't. I don't want to be the revengeful crazy ex gf. I want to be the one that got away and I am working on that. He doesn't deserve me and I know he needs me, even though it will probably take months for him to admit it to himself. Somehow I am happy he's with her. So he's not alone. I don't think he could handle being alone. He needs someone. She won't support him as I did, because she doesn't know him as I did. They haven't been together as long. But hopefully she will support him the best she can. And at the same time I want to find her and yell at her. Make her understand how she ruined my life. Make he cry and regret she ever came into his life. But of cause I won't do that. That's not the person I am. 1
Omei Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I sold everything!!! And bought myself new things with the money for me from me it was great!!! No regrets i wouldnt of ever worn it again anyway to look at myself and see him because of the things he got? No thanks I wanna see me!! 4
Mariposa10 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 You can't imagine how much it helps me to read this. It almost feels like a virtual hug. Thank you. I'm glad this helps. We're all in the same boat. I can relate to your story because I was with my ex for many years. Realistically, I can't expect a quick fix. Thank goodness, I already went through: denial, depression and anger. Right now I'm accepting everything and trying to move on. Things will get better, and you know that you have us here You can always vent here.
Author Janni Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I'm glad this helps. We're all in the same boat. I can relate to your story because I was with my ex for many years. Realistically, I can't expect a quick fix. Thank goodness, I already went through: denial, depression and anger. Right now I'm accepting everything and trying to move on. Things will get better, and you know that you have us here You can always vent here. Thank you. I am so glad I have you guys here. I don't know where I am right now. Maybe in between depression and anger, though I thought I had already gone through depression. Well, that e-mail did really set me back. It sucks. I have started missing him again, but not really missing him. Maybe more like missing who I thought he wore and the memories.
LuvsTrucks2 Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I wouldn't sell the stuff, you will never get what you think it's worth. As far as the jewelry, if you like it, hang on to it. I'm not sure of your situation, but one day, long from now, you may have a little girl of your own and you can pass the jewelry on to her. I still have jewelry from a relationship over 26 years ago and I can wear it without feeling sad. My wedding and engagement rings are sitting in a box. Maybe one day I will have them made into something else. I loved them so much, STBXH also let me pick them out. I feel lost without them, but I know in time this will pass.
Author Janni Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I wouldn't sell the stuff, you will never get what you think it's worth. As far as the jewelry, if you like it, hang on to it. I'm not sure of your situation, but one day, long from now, you may have a little girl of your own and you can pass the jewelry on to her. I still have jewelry from a relationship over 26 years ago and I can wear it without feeling sad. My wedding and engagement rings are sitting in a box. Maybe one day I will have them made into something else. I loved them so much, STBXH also let me pick them out. I feel lost without them, but I know in time this will pass. I am sorry about your situation. I hope you are doing okay. Thank you for the reply. I don't think I will ever feel good about the jewelry, but I don't know. Maybe some day. So I will be keeping the pieces I value the most.
Omei Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I wouldn't ever give an ex that left me, necklace to my little girl @_@ Maybe a divorced husband's give as a love token to her but an ex? 1
aybc123 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 But one person said to me "Only send the things back, if that is the person you want to be." and it isn't. This is a really good attitude, and it's one that I try to live by too. It can be very very tempting to hurt people that hurt us, but the biggest hurt they could inflict is if hurting us turned us into hurtful people from all the baggage. Besides, sending the stuff back would only hurt in the short term and elicit a thought of 'i cant believe she did that, im glad we broke up'. By refusing to rise to it - whilst obviously standing up for yourself and letting him know what he did was not ok - I guarantee that you'll give him more pause for thought in the future over whether he threw the best thing he'd ever had away for nothing. And that feeling is something you'll never have to worry about, you definitely can do better than someone who would cheat on you. 1
keepontruckin Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Sell the jewelry. It's what I did with my wedding ring. There is absolutely no point in holding on to these items, unless you are simply waiting for the price of gold or silver to increase... 2
Mariposa10 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I wouldn't ever give an ex that left me, necklace to my little girl @_@ Maybe a divorced husband's give as a love token to her but an ex? Yeah, it doesn't really make sense...
Author Janni Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 This is a really good attitude, and it's one that I try to live by too. It can be very very tempting to hurt people that hurt us, but the biggest hurt they could inflict is if hurting us turned us into hurtful people from all the baggage. Besides, sending the stuff back would only hurt in the short term and elicit a thought of 'i cant believe she did that, im glad we broke up'. By refusing to rise to it - whilst obviously standing up for yourself and letting him know what he did was not ok - I guarantee that you'll give him more pause for thought in the future over whether he threw the best thing he'd ever had away for nothing. And that feeling is something you'll never have to worry about, you definitely can do better than someone who would cheat on you. You are very right. Thank you. It's so difficult to act rational and be rational, when you are so emotional and everything just hurts. But we have to stay strong and not go down to their level. I wish I'll be able to stop thinking about him soon. I was forgetting him, and then that e-mail ruined it. Now I am thinking about him every day again. Though it's not like "I miss you" it's more.. Remembering what we had and feeling sorry it's gone. Somehow I feel this great love in my chest. It used to be a love towards him, but now it's kinda just become a ball of love and I have nowhere to turn it. I don't really feel love for him anymore. I guess right now I am hurting, because I am learning to be okay alone. I am learning to be independent. And it's not easy. Sell the jewelry. It's what I did with my wedding ring. There is absolutely no point in holding on to these items, unless you are simply waiting for the price of gold or silver to increase... I agree. Maybe I'll see how much I can get for it and decide based on that.
aybc123 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Now I am thinking about him every day again. Though it's not like "I miss you" it's more.. Remembering what we had and feeling sorry it's gone. Somehow I feel this great love in my chest. It used to be a love towards him, but now it's kinda just become a ball of love and I have nowhere to turn it. It's just another phase and will pass too but i know how you feel, just have to keep going. I've been constantly reminded by things lately too, driving home from work today i went past an apartment complex that i had to abandon my car in overnight when the exhaust broke and walk back home with her in the snow the couple of miles to my place, we'd only been dating a week or two and i remember thinking it was just my luck! I must've driven past that place 1000 times before over the last few years and nearly a hundred since we broke up and it's the first time i'd ever thought of that evening again but tonight it really hit me. Mourning loss is a weird thing, you can't really rush it or change it or hide from it you just have to let it happen. It's comforting in someways though because it lets you know that you had something very valuable. 1
Author Janni Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 It's just another phase and will pass too but i know how you feel, just have to keep going. I've been constantly reminded by things lately too, driving home from work today i went past an apartment complex that i had to abandon my car in overnight when the exhaust broke and walk back home with her in the snow the couple of miles to my place, we'd only been dating a week or two and i remember thinking it was just my luck! I must've driven past that place 1000 times before over the last few years and nearly a hundred since we broke up and it's the first time i'd ever thought of that evening again but tonight it really hit me. Mourning loss is a weird thing, you can't really rush it or change it or hide from it you just have to let it happen. It's comforting in someways though because it lets you know that you had something very valuable. I still can't think or feel the way you do. I can't thin to myself "We had such a great time" or "I was lucky to have this for 6 years." I just can't. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I question if any of it was even true. If he'd cheated on me before. Maybe even throughout the whole thing. Etc. I really can't, in any way, find anything positive about having spend 6 years of my life with him. Well. Yes. One thing; I have grown. I have learned so much and learned how to be in a relationship and what it's like to be two. I guess that's good. I really learned it, because he never did anything to improve or benefit the relationship. So I worked my but off.
Sugarkane Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I've seen a lot of people post about how they've destroyed and deleted all photos from past relationships, and gotten rid of literally everything, jewelry included. It baffles me, personally. Put it all in a box, out of sight and out of mind! The end of my last relationship was hardly amicable and I'm still moving on, but I want to be able to have tangible things to look at years down the line when I've fully moved beyond all of this. I disagree with you. If you're the dumpee it hurts to look at these things. Even mire so if you were treated badly. This is another reminder of this. After a breakup I get angry and don't want to see these things about. Plus people can wonder why you are still wearing an exes jewellry for.
aybc123 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 I disagree with you. If you're the dumpee it hurts to look at these things. Even mire so if you were treated badly. This is another reminder of this. After a breakup I get angry and don't want to see these things about. Plus people can wonder why you are still wearing an exes jewellry for. Thats why it goes in a box under your bed. Honestly i have all the stuff from my previous gf before this one, i looked at it for the first time in years when i was putting stuff in my new box a month ago and it didnt cause any pain or sadness, just good memories and im glad i kept it all.
Author Janni Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I think it's very individual, whether you want to keep the stuff and whether you'll feel good about it or not. Personally, I am afraid I'll always remember how he cheated on me. How he changed into someone I don't know. How horrible the whole thing ended and how betrayed I still feel. How I even doubt if the last six years were real at all. Or if he's always been looking around for other girls, telling me whatever to make me stay and never really being honest with me, as I thought he was.
soccerrprp Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I think it's very individual, whether you want to keep the stuff and whether you'll feel good about it or not. Personally, I am afraid I'll always remember how he cheated on me. How he changed into someone I don't know. How horrible the whole thing ended and how betrayed I still feel. How I even doubt if the last six years were real at all. Or if he's always been looking around for other girls, telling me whatever to make me stay and never really being honest with me, as I thought he was. All the reasons why you don't keep any of it. They are "things" that remind you of better times, but pale in comparison to the ugly reality of the person that gave them to you. It's crazy to keep something that reminds you of betrayal, disappointment, etc. Keeping any of it either shows how disenchanted you are with these things or you're unhealthily clinging onto a past better left in the past. Not a good way to move on.
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