ponchsox Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 The reasons I can think are it's a game to win them over, we can have sex without being loved, or perhaps I have issues myself I need help with? My last GF was very emotionally unattached coming off her divorce and being a single mom. She basically treated me like crap, but dangled enough carrots to keep me around. I was going to end it much sooner but I was attracted to her and we had a lot of fun hanging out. Now she wants to be friends, and I'm not sure I want her to have the pleasure.
salparadise Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 You probably do have something that needs to be worked on if you recognize this as a pattern. We tend to be attracted to people who we believe can give us what we need. If we suffered from an emotionally distant caretaker as a child, we subconsciously seek the same in hopes that they will complete what was left unfinished, but since they are so similar the pattern tends to repeat. The answer is to bring our subconscious yearning to the conscious mind where we can deal with it and make the necessary adjustments. Staying friends with the ex will inhibit your ability to move on and fully invest in someone new. Ex's who try to remain friends want you to remain attached so they continue to receive emotional benefits without reciprocating. In other words, it's the epitome of an emotionally unavailable attachment.
Author ponchsox Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 My father was never involved much with my life as a youth. He was only there for discipline and punishment. He didn't attend my little league games, didn't do anything father & son. He was more concerned with his career and his friends. I think this may be the root of my problems and something I have never really confronted, rather try to sweep it under the rug or date someone similar to me like my ex that just fills a void. Another thing is I don't find emotionally open women a challenge and I tend to get bored with them. I seek thrill in chasing emotionally unattached women, if that makes sense? I'm going to look for a good book and perhaps seek counseling. I'm 37 and yet to have a significant relationship in my life. The longest was my last GF of 1.5 years.
Woggle Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Because you are unavailable as well. Like attracts like. 2
what_a_blonde Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Wow, this actually hits home for something I just posted. What you describe sounds a lot like the guy who I'm currently physically involved with. He wants to be physcial with me but yet expects no emotions to get involved. And then the minute I make mention of how I'm getting feelings, he clams up then pretty much wants to end it. Also, its like he lets me do all the chasing. I'm not sure what could be his problem, however it has to be something missing within him that likes to string people along even though they know the person is attached or wanting a relationship. (Sounds like the woman you are after too) Sorry couldn't be more help, but I'd be interested to hear others' perspectives.
Author ponchsox Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Wow, this actually hits home for something I just posted. What you describe sounds a lot like the guy who I'm currently physically involved with. He wants to be physcial with me but yet expects no emotions to get involved. And then the minute I make mention of how I'm getting feelings, he clams up then pretty much wants to end it. Also, its like he lets me do all the chasing. I'm not sure what could be his problem, however it has to be something missing within him that likes to string people along even though they know the person is attached or wanting a relationship. (Sounds like the woman you are after too) Sorry couldn't be more help, but I'd be interested to hear others' perspectives. We ended our toxic relationship, finally. No doubt she was emotionally unavailable, but I need to explore why I stayed with her for so long. I ended it after several months because of the red flags but I got hooked back in for another year. Almost every time I saw her I felt she was disconnected. When she wanted to go somewhere fun or have sex, she reeled my in like a fish. When she was satisfied, she kept me away. I guess part of me wanted to see if I could fix her but she is damaged goods.
emva07 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 you are filling the void that as a child you did not receive through the affection of a woman, BUT you are hesitant to receive this affection because you don't believe that someone could genuinely be giving you this much affection....if your own father didn't why would anybody else? It's as if in a way you feel you don't deserve it. emotionally unattached women prove your theory right. The problem is that there will be women, and people in general, who will take a genuine interest in maintaining relationships with you, you just need to accept that it's ok to love an available woman, and to be loved in return. 1
CherryT Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) Wow, this actually hits home for something I just posted. What you describe sounds a lot like the guy who I'm currently physically involved with. He wants to be physcial with me but yet expects no emotions to get involved. And then the minute I make mention of how I'm getting feelings, he clams up then pretty much wants to end it. Also, its like he lets me do all the chasing. I'm not sure what could be his problem, however it has to be something missing within him that likes to string people along even though they know the person is attached or wanting a relationship. (Sounds like the woman you are after too) Sorry couldn't be more help, but I'd be interested to hear others' perspectives. Some guys don't want relationships and just want a physical one. You are making it OK but still allowing him to get physical with you. You haven't told expressed your expectations and stuck with them... instead you are letting him string you along. If you are getting feelings and told him and he still tries to end it, you should let him. He's telling you exactly what he wants and doesn't want. By you chasing him, you're showing him that you're still OK with it. I think as women, we need to take responsibility for what we want. You don't tell someone how you think you deserve to be treated, you have to show them. If he keeps trying to end it with you when you tell him you have feelings, but then chase him and let him become physical with you... he's not really stringing you along. He's doing exactly what you're allowing him to do. Stand your ground and don't let him use you. OP, I think you have to figure out what you want in a relationship and when that person doesn't show you, through their actions, to start walking away. Don't let those carrots dangle in front of you. Let their actions show that what they want from you and what you're getting from them is in line with the kind of relationship you want. You can only be responsible for yourself... so not bending your standards will help in not getting tied up with people who don't treat you well. ** whoops for the bottom half that was once here. Was using my phone browser and posted the wrong reply. Edited November 5, 2013 by CherryT
whirl3daway Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 you are filling the void that as a child you did not receive through the affection of a woman, BUT you are hesitant to receive this affection because you don't believe that someone could genuinely be giving you this much affection....if your own father didn't why would anybody else? It's as if in a way you feel you don't deserve it. emotionally unattached women prove your theory right. The problem is that there will be women, and people in general, who will take a genuine interest in maintaining relationships with you, you just need to accept that it's ok to love an available woman, and to be loved in return. This is exactly right. The truly difficult thing about this, in my experience, is not "feeling" it when people are emotionally available. They will seem desperate, or perhaps you'll think about why they want to be with you so badly, that there must be something wrong with them. This requires some real work to get over.
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