Woz Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I used to be the other woman. Seven years ago I became involved with a married man. Both of us were (and still are) married. This relationship lasted for two years. He was terrific, always happy to see me, just a wonderful guy. I had no complaints about him at all. We tried to head it off at the beginning -- I told my husband about my attraction to the MM, and the MM told his wife that I was attracted to him, too. Oh, what a great day that was! (note: sarcasm) He dutifully e-mailed me that his wife had instructed him to sever all ties, so he did. We worked in the same building, and three weeks later on Halloween he came back and told me that he was so sorry, he missed me, and he didn't like having me out of his life. And from there, the relationship took on a whole new level of happiness and misery topped with a heaping spoonful of deceit and lust. Two years into this, I confessed to my poor husband that I had been having an affair. (My needs were being unmet at home, to be honest.) He reacted with shock and horror, curled up in the fetal position, and was white as a ghost for two days. But he loved me. And he forgave me. And we packed up, moved away, and five years have passed since then. I have had dreams intermittently throughout the last five years. Dreams of my MM calling my name, crying, asking me to find him. Dreams of searching for him at work and waiting to talk to him. Dreams of going through parking lots trying to find his vehicle to see if he was there. I would wake up and be miserable for the entire day. I had put him out of my mind completely but he surfaced in my dreams at night. I knew there had to be closure, this was killing me. He called me from time to time but I wouldn't take his calls. I wouldn't respond to e-mails. But one day this spring, I returned the correspondence. We began to communicate again using the internet. I was careful never to let the conversation get out of hand -- no sex, absolutely not. But I did/do have deep rooted feelings for him, and I care about him. We had a few in-depth conversations about love and it reaffirmed what I already knew -- that I loved my husband much more than this MM and wanted to remain married. The MM asked me if I would ever consider having him as a husband, and I had to honestly tell him no. I love the man I am married to. My MM was in misery over the months we corresponded. He said he had come to the point in his life where he realized that he missed out by not being able to keep me. He said he would have fought to take me away from my DH. He said that he wished he had met me first. I know he loves me, and it makes me feel like an ogre that I don't feel the same way about him. I do care about him deeply, we share a tremendously special bond. But I love my husband with every fiber of my being and that in no way compares to the care I have for the MM. This past Halloween, (isn't it funny that it started and ended on the same day seven years apart?) his wife called me and started SCREAMING at me. She wouldn't stop calling and I ended up having my number changed. It seems he left his computer/laptop on the kitchen table and found that he had been corresponding with me. He had some of my pictures on his computer. She was livid. She said a lot of hateful things to me, of course, I understood. My husband, once again, loves me more than himself and has forgiven me. He stipulates that there is to be no contact ever again. So I have obliged and deleted my e-mail address, although I had it for ten years. I am sad that I did not get to say good bye. Currently I am going through a huge grieving process. While I don't love this man, I do care about him. He was one of my dearest friends. I will always think of him fondly, and I will miss the happiness that he brought to my heart. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I guess I am going to just have to consider him as being dead in my life. I have all the answers I needed. I know he loves me, he knows I don't love him the same way, he knows I am not willing to leave my husband for him. The way this has ended is sad, from my own selfish perspective. But on the other hand, the fact that my precious DH could continue to love me and want me in his life despite what I have done is remarkable. I know there is a special place in heaven for him. He says I am something special and he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't look the other way and let me do what I please, but he holds me accountable without blaming me. I love the man I am married to. Once I get past this grief for the MM I will be so much better. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so typing it out just feels so much better. The MM was my friend. He holds a special place in my heart. And hopefully, with time, it will stop hurting.
Karlise13 Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 to have a husband who loves you so much. Treasure it. I think with all complex relationships, we hope for closure. If we don't get a satisfactory closure, things tend to haunt us for a long periods of time. When we feel haunted, we often seek out that person connected with these feelings and try to re-establish SOME form of contact, whether it be emailing, phone calls, occasional lunches, whatever. Inevitably, these seemingly innocent contacts lead to discussions of 'what if?' and 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm still mad about such and such...' oftentimes leading to the re-opening of old wounds, old emotions and that 'unfinished business' pattern. The best way to heal, truly heal, IS to let all contact go. Time does have a way of softening the edges, allowing still-simmering emotions to cool and heads to clear. It may take years. But it works if you WORK it. It takes work to get over people. I think that's why many of us don't. Even if it's painful to contact someone, there's an inherent satisfaction in knowing they still contact us, we still have a connection, there's still SOMETHING. Letting go is the very hardest. It really is. I wish you luck and hug your husband and tell him how wonderful he is....please
Debster Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I hate to break it to you but your MM was never your friend. A friend would not come between a marriage. Face facts - he was your lover. You should not even think of corresponding with him again. Your post was filled with so many glowing, love-filled words about this loser who would cheat on his wife and then disrespect her AGAIN by continuing contact with you. What I find interesting is your lack of loving words about your husband. Yeah, you say you love him but what are your actions? He was almost destroyed by your infidelity. You talk about him almost as if you have no respect for him. Make up your mind. ARe you in this marriage or not? If nt, then please let this poor man go to find a woman who will treat him the way he should be treated. If you decide to stay in your marriage then realize that you have a lot of making up to do to your husband and stop acting so selfishly and stop communicating with people who have no desire to see your marriage succeed. Go to counselling to deal with your behaviour and your marriage. Obviously packing up and running away was not enough.
Owl Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Karlise has the right of it... You ARE lucky to have a husband like that. I don't know if I'd be as forgiving if my wife slips up and resumes ANY kind of contact with her OM like you did. Even given that you don't have those feelings for him, its not fair to your husband. It does look like you're willing to make the break clean...do exactly that! You value this guy....then give him and his marriage the chance to make it, and don't resume contact even if he finds you. Sounds like you're on the right track...now stay the course!
Sky Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Dear Karlise 13 I really appreciate your email. I am going through that exact same thing right now. I had broken off with my MM for about 3 months and then he contacts me and I respond and even though it's just as friends my feelings are rekindled and I go over it again... I really then feel like I love him a great deal and then my feelings are hurt again etc. You're right, It's a never ending loop... I need to break it off but I really don't want too. Sky
sylviaguardian Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by Debster I hate to break it to you but your MM was never your friend. A friend would not come between a marriage. Face facts - he was your lover. this is so true. A real friend would want you to be happy not put their own needs or wants before your stability. Your husband is amazing. I am still recovering from a similar situation and I know that if my husband started up contact again that it would kill any love or respect for him stone dead.
only1life Posted December 17, 2004 Posted December 17, 2004 Woz, Don't be sad that you've lost the friendship of the OM, but do be real glad that you still have the friendship of the guy you really love, and who really loves you. You have given him ample opportunity and reason to leave, but yet, he is still there and is still forgiving. That is not easy for him, believe me, I know. Give him ALL your love and friendship, he needs and deserves it. Take Care.
Woz Posted December 26, 2004 Posted December 26, 2004 Thank you so much to Debster for such an honest post. I am sorry if I didn't tell you how wonderful my husband was and still is. His character speaks volumes for himself. He is an amazing man, much more than I could ever deserve. The MM was not my friend. I never realized that until I read the responses to my post. I appreciate the honesty that you all have shared. Some of you have been gentle, and some have been blunt, but I needed all of it. When I realized that he was not my "true" friend, I was able to quickly process the end of the relationship and view it in a completely different perspective. There have been no more tears but only the desire to put my husband above myself and treat him the way he deserves. I have severed all ties. I don't miss him. I thought I would, but realizing that he was poison in my marriage has made a difference in my viewpoint. It's amazing what you can do when you stop thinking of how to please yourself and start thinking of how to please your spouse. At least that's how it is for me. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I needed a good kick in the pants, God knows I deserve worse than that.
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