Something so small sparked a trigger of painful thoughts.

[Vinsanity1307]

This may sound so stupid too most but I need to share it cause I am a mess right now... Something so small just turned me into a downward spiral of a mess......I was finishing putting up my chrismas tree (yes its a family tradition since long as I can remember day or two after halloween), and moving it to the window that faces my exes house(she lives 50 yards away you can see her house from my windows) so I dont have to look out to it..Anyways as I was doing this I happened to look up at her house and her bedroom light was on (which is in the cellar of her moms house...It is 430 in the morning and there are two scenarios that I am aware of to why this is...1) is her mom always left it on when she wasnt home (staying at my house..so this got me thinking she is at another mans house possibly ,my replacement or whoever which hurts so much....Or 2) theres a guy up there..Cause she isnt a night person and only stayed up cause of me and we were having sex this late in the night /morning...I almost just drove by her house to check it out but am currently just sitting at my apartment crying waiting for the light to go out...Its been almost months and havent looked at that way and the one time I do this happens.... I dont know...It hurts so much right now....I cant take this....I dont know what to do.....I feel like I am going crazy...

[2fargone]

You do know what to do.... But as long as you keep doing what you're doing and thinking what you're feeling, you will keep feeling what you're feeling....

[Janni]

I am sorry you saw that. Maybe it's time to find another place? I think it's very bad for you to live so close to your ex.

[Vinsanity1307]

You have no idea its aweful...And I have not looked up hat way in 4 months....Moving is too expensive at the moment I have a good rate where I am at, and cheap...So I am screwed at the moment

[Janni]

You have no idea its aweful...And I have not looked up hat way in 4 months....Moving is too expensive at the moment I have a good rate where I am at, and cheap...So I am screwed at the moment

 

I am sorry you are in that situation. And you are 100% there's no other place you can afford? As it would probably be best for you. Else, maybe you should just keep your curtains down on the windows facing that way.

[JDPT]

It's completely normal. You would be amazed at the mundane triggers that resurface either memories or fictitious scenarios. I'm closing in on 6 months and find myself rerouting thoughts. It's something you need to become accustomed to and exercise daily. When thoughts used to torture me I used to say phrases out loud such as: "it's doesn't matter anymore" or "it's no longer my business what she is or isn't doing" I would say these out loud over and over until the thoughts somewhat subsided. You would need to find some phrase you can resonate with. It's a matter of getting your mind out of that repetitive cycle and breaking the vicious habit.

[Haydn]

I really feel for. You have to stay away. Any reminders get rid of them. As i keep harping on about being at 3 months, its so tough to do this. You are not alone my friend with these feelings. Keep going. Take care. Haydn

[Simon Phoenix]

You live 50 yards away? No wonder why you are stuck. You need to move dude.

[JDPT]

Absolutely- it's imperative that you make adjustments for your own sake. I'm amazed you have not had any encounters with her as yet since she is literally at arm's length. This will pay off in the long run, you need to make moving elsewhere your priority.

[AnyaNova]

May I suggest for the window that faces her house, if you would like to block off that view, but still get some light in (and this, I'm told, will remove easily with soap and water, so it is easily removable when you are ready), that if you get some nice colors of tissue paper/cellophane and some (I think we just used Elmer's) glue, you can cover up the window so that you really can't see what's outside of it well, but you still get natural light. If you really wanted to be artistic, you could get some stamps, and maybe some metallic gold giltter paint, and put a few of them on each square, and make like a faux stained glass window.

 

As much as it hurts right now, to think of your ex with someone else, it might just be a good tool to help you move on from her (and I know, it various times in the past, thinking of Tim with someone else really seared too, but frankly, it would be so much healthier for him than cloistering himself again).

 

This is because the brain tends to reach a point where it gets bored of stimuli. So after a enough bites of a good food or ice cream you are kind of tired of it and it doesn't taste as good (I can't remember the technical psychological term for this, I wish I could), or if you listen to a song on repeat, you don't get as much emotional "oomph" for it (not true for me because I take a terribly long time to reach this point, again there's a technical term for the rate at which you reach that point, but I cannot remember it).

 

The point is, if you make yourself think of this, every day for a while, and keep practicing it, it will lose its emotional "power."

 

In fact, a good tip I read (I never can keep up with this,but it is a good one) is to make yourself cry about your breakup every day for 20 minutes. Very quickly your brain will get bored of the sadness and the "lost love" and you find yourself thinking about your grocery list.

 

I suppose it is a blessing that my ex and I live in different towns (about 35 minutes away). The way we really ended made it difficult enough to get over, that if we had the risk of running into each other all the time, that would make it worse.

[Mariposa10]

You need to move, I'm just gonna repeat it again. This is hell, you're living in hell!!

I get all paranoid when I go out the days my ex is not working, and we don't even live in the same town!! (he does come to my town often though.

 

Do something about this situation.

[cavalier99]

Absolutly NO need to move! That is insane.

 

Just get used to the idea that she is banging like 50 guys over there and loving it. Once you accept this worse case scenario and stop hiding from the idea youll feel much better. Just dive into the pain over and over again. Then stop! All will be well. Just another phase in recovery. Cav

[cavalier99]

May I suggest for the window that faces her house, if you would like to block off that view, but still get some light in (and this, I'm told, will remove easily with soap and water, so it is easily removable when you are ready), that if you get some nice colors of tissue paper/cellophane and some (I think we just used Elmer's) glue, you can cover up the window so that you really can't see what's outside of it well, but you still get natural light. If you really wanted to be artistic, you could get some stamps, and maybe some metallic gold giltter paint, and put a few of them on each square, and make like a faux stained glass window.

 

As much as it hurts right now, to think of your ex with someone else, it might just be a good tool to help you move on from her (and I know, it various times in the past, thinking of Tim with someone else really seared too, but frankly, it would be so much healthier for him than cloistering himself again).

 

This is because the brain tends to reach a point where it gets bored of stimuli. So after a enough bites of a good food or ice cream you are kind of tired of it and it doesn't taste as good (I can't remember the technical psychological term for this, I wish I could), or if you listen to a song on repeat, you don't get as much emotional "oomph" for it (not true for me because I take a terribly long time to reach this point, again there's a technical term for the rate at which you reach that point, but I cannot remember it).

 

The point is, if you make yourself think of this, every day for a while, and keep practicing it, it will lose its emotional "power."

 

In fact, a good tip I read (I never can keep up with this,but it is a good one) is to make yourself cry about your breakup every day for 20 minutes. Very quickly your brain will get bored of the sadness and the "lost love" and you find yourself thinking about your grocery list.

 

I suppose it is a blessing that my ex and I live in different towns (about 35 minutes away). The way we really ended made it difficult enough to get over, that if we had the risk of running into each other all the time, that would make it worse.

 

This advise is spot on!!

[Vinsanity1307]

Thank you for your responses...I know I need to move....But seriously finances are stopping me from doing that and my rent is 600 for everything and I am working two sh** paying jobs...Nothing would thrill me more than to get out of this place but thats the reality of it...And as I stated I think i have been doing a good job not looking towards her house the past few months until last night..I cried myself to sleep ( I know kinda pathetic) after what i saw and was going through my mind and I do cry alot almost daily hoping that i will get sick of doing so....but not yet...It just really sucks after seeing that last night it is exactly as you all described hell..Its my hell....

[cavalier99]

Thank you for your responses...I know I need to move....But seriously finances are stopping me from doing that and my rent is 600 for everything and I am working two sh** paying jobs...Nothing would thrill me more than to get out of this place but thats the reality of it...And as I stated I think i have been doing a good job not looking towards her house the past few months until last night..I cried myself to sleep ( I know kinda pathetic) after what i saw and was going through my mind and I do cry alot almost daily hoping that i will get sick of doing so....but not yet...It just really sucks after seeing that last night it is exactly as you all described hell..Its my hell....

 

You dont need to move. A trigger like this is normal. You need to face up to this and mourn it. Emotional fortitude bro. Sack up and accept it. Dont go running off. This is YOUR territory. Reconquer.

 

Cry as much as possible imagine her getting nailed every which way by a new guy and loving it. Very painful but you will get desensitzed to the idea quickly. You just need to go thru this. Cav

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Vinsanity I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I live very very close to each other and his house sits right along a main street that I use to get to the local shopping center.

 

The first month after break up I would drive by his house and check to see if his lights were on at night...for me, lights on meant he was home doing nothing and light off meant was he was out banging someone. One night I drove by over and over again freaking myself out, crying hysterically, feeling physically sick. It was HORRIBLE.

 

I decided after that night that I would do everything I could do avoid driving down that street until I knew I was good and ready. I realized it was irrational of me to associate "lights off" with him being out on a date or banging someone. I accepted that we are no longer in a relationship and he has the freedom to do whatever he wants to do. I forced myself to accept that fact that he could be with another girl.

 

Lights on or off....the fact remains...you are no longer with her. Lights on or off..the situation is still the same. Nothing has changed. Put up a curtain and continue to not look that way. Tell yourself over and over again that the relationship is over until you've accepted it and accepted the fact that she has moved on.

 

She may have moved on... or not. It doesn't matter. You two are no longer together.

 

Acceptance will heal you.

[Vinsanity1307]

The whole thing is just unfair...im trying to move on, but no matter what I am still being tortured..I'm living hell on earth...ya know and I told her about a week before she dumped me my hell would be seeing her with someone else.. ..and all this happens....

[Mariposa10]

The whole thing is just unfair...im trying to move on, but no matter what I am still being tortured..I'm living hell on earth...ya know and I told her about a week before she dumped me my hell would be seeing her with someone else.. ..and all this happens....

 

 

Yes, but let's not forget that you guys were together for such a loooong time! So, don't expect a quick fix. It'll take time!

 

However, you do have to do things in order to move on, such as starting to look for a new place.

[Vinsanity1307]

I assure you I am doing what I can.... I am going out which I dont usually do, I am desperately looking for a new job..I have looked at places to move but it really is too expensive. I am eating right and working out (which I have been doing the past few years)...rearranged my room....

[Vinsanity1307]

Ill admit thats one thing I have not tried is the movie reiterating . Ill try that...Even right now I want to look out my window to see if the light is on but held myself back right now.. I just got home from a costume party, so I went out knowing I had a bad past 24 hours....The suspense and holding myself back from looking out the window is horrid, but trying to stay strong...No matter the pain....