Dating an emotionally unavailable woman?

[ponchsox]

Was my ex gf emotionally unavailable? Here were the red flags. No surprise our relationship ended. It actually lasted a year and a half. I think she started falling for me in the end and it scared the crap out of her.

 

* She was married for a year (at 26), got pregnant, her husband abandoned them

 

* Told me she felt jaded and no longer believed in "lubby dubby crap"

 

* Made plans which would get me excited and she would later cancel them or come up with an excuse (usually her son)

 

* Kept me distant and didn't invite me to much her and her son did. She told me "you're welcome to join us any time" as a cop out.

 

* Wouldn't hug me or kiss me when I came over and she answered the door

 

* Never really told me she loved me with any enthusiasm after I told her

 

* Our only intimacy was sex when she wanted it (once per month). Every time I wanted it her excuse was she was on her period (3 weeks out of every month?)

 

* She rides horses as "her escape" The real issue here is I've been to the barn where she rides. Most of the woman there are divorced and I've heard them badmouth their ex husbands.

 

* Her schedule was always jam packed. Worked 5-7 days per week, rode 3 days, went to see her parents on the weekend. Left very little time for us.

 

I truly believe this woman is damaged and can no longer love again. I filled a void for her but she was apathetic. She wants to remain as friends, no surprise, probably so she can sleep with me with out any commitment and emotion. Thoughts?

Edited November 2, 2013 by ponchsox

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like she was hurt/damaged from her past relationship and never really picked up the pieces, therefore you sound like a rebound type relationship where she plays the emotionally unavailable person as she still hasn't dealt with her past.

 

She pushed you away in many ways, didn't care about your needs or reciprocate from the sound of it...which is the typical formula of someone testing someone to see if they will endure that and stick around through all of it...kind of a prove your love kind of thing.

 

In the end, she was likely completely guarded emotionally in many ways...the emotional depths you've reached with her are likely very limited, you were more of a nice guy who seemed to be reliable and willing to take the abuse, playing the role she likely played during her relationship experience.

 

People often take out on others what have happened to them emotionally, it's how they disconnect and shut you out...they'll find a reason to find a problem a reason things aren't good enough.

 

She wants you as her friend because she doesn't want to lose you from her life, deep down underneath she is still scared and vulnerable but that doesn't mean you hit the mark with her on a romantic level...these are just her personal issues that she has to deal with, if you're thinking that somehow someway she's going to turn a corner and come at you with open arms it doesn't typically work that way...she'll probably do that with the next guy or find someone like you again who will stick around and be her emotional punching bag.

 

I don't see what's in it for you...I don't know what you've done on your end either to kind of perpetuate her distrust or what not, nor your relationship issues...but if this is the typical run of the mill unavailable woman than it's all beyond her control and she's just in a state of protecting herself, afraid to open up again and be devastated...because she opened up her heart and her life to a guy who was just a regular guy but she thought it was special and true love...who knows the story from the ex-husbands end as well.

 

At the end day, these are her issues to figure out...they're not yours to solve, nor will you be able to. If I were I would walk away and find someone else, but you have to ask yourself why you're chasing this kind of girl around and what issues do you have that keep you engaged with this person who clearly is detached and giving you a taste of unrequited love.

[ponchsox]

Sounds like she was hurt/damaged from her past relationship and never really picked up the pieces, therefore you sound like a rebound type relationship where she plays the emotionally unavailable person as she still hasn't dealt with her past.

 

She pushed you away in many ways, didn't care about your needs or reciprocate from the sound of it...which is the typical formula of someone testing someone to see if they will endure that and stick around through all of it...kind of a prove your love kind of thing.

 

In the end, she was likely completely guarded emotionally in many ways...the emotional depths you've reached with her are likely very limited, you were more of a nice guy who seemed to be reliable and willing to take the abuse, playing the role she likely played during her relationship experience.

 

People often take out on others what have happened to them emotionally, it's how they disconnect and shut you out...they'll find a reason to find a problem a reason things aren't good enough.

 

She wants you as her friend because she doesn't want to lose you from her life, deep down underneath she is still scared and vulnerable but that doesn't mean you hit the mark with her on a romantic level...these are just her personal issues that she has to deal with, if you're thinking that somehow someway she's going to turn a corner and come at you with open arms it doesn't typically work that way...she'll probably do that with the next guy or find someone like you again who will stick around and be her emotional punching bag.

 

I don't see what's in it for you...I don't know what you've done on your end either to kind of perpetuate her distrust or what not, nor your relationship issues...but if this is the typical run of the mill unavailable woman than it's all beyond her control and she's just in a state of protecting herself, afraid to open up again and be devastated...because she opened up her heart and her life to a guy who was just a regular guy but she thought it was special and true love...who knows the story from the ex-husbands end as well.

 

At the end day, these are her issues to figure out...they're not yours to solve, nor will you be able to. If I were I would walk away and find someone else, but you have to ask yourself why you're chasing this kind of girl around and what issues do you have that keep you engaged with this person who clearly is detached and giving you a taste of unrequited love.

 

Well said, thanks.