Lost

[giving-up]

So I am new to this site please be patient. This is going to be long.

 

I have a huge dilemma, my husband and I have been married going on 6 years in Jan. We have a 3 year old son and I am a stay at home mom.

 

OK here is my problem. We have hit a halt/stand still in our relationship. A few months ago my husband attented a bacholor party and after visiting the strip club he tried to hunt down a stripper to cheat on me with, of course i found out the next day, when i asked him what he would of done if he found her his response was "it doesnt matter she gave me a fake name anyway". Prior to this I had no idea we were having problems for once in our marriage I was genuinely happy I mean we had our fights nothing huge.

 

When I asked him why I got the usual brick wall I dunno response. When I finally got him to talk about it he told me it was bc the stripper made him feel special and important and wanted to talk to him and seemed genuinely interested in him (at this I told him thats her job he was paying her for that attention). Now when I heard all this I immediately asked him what I could do to fix this. After all it was I who was not giving him the attention he wanted. I told him we needed to work together to fix our relationship and we had to work to get the spark back.

 

I made a list of everything I needed to change about myself. This list included things like loose weight, have sex more, initiate sex, be happy, ask about his day and pay attention (I have a focusing problem so I daze out mid convos with people), change how I feel about myself (which is easier said then done), get a job, put on make up and dress up at least once a week, date nights, cuddle time, and pillow talk.

 

Ive done most of these I share my feelings, Ive lost weight, I enjoy getting dressed up now, but my self esteem is at an all time low.

 

I feel like I am the only one trying now in this relationship. Ive talked, yelled and cried out my feelings to him. Ive told him Im slowly loosing any faith in this being a working relationship, Ive asked him to ask me how my day is (I know its incredibly boring and usually the same stuff everyday since I have no car to go anywhere and a horrible back so I cant walk long distances, some days I cant even pick up my son Thus the lower self esteem) I feel like Im failing at everything, I cant even get a job no matter how hard I try. Ive applied to every store in a 10 mile radius and cant even get a call back. Sorry got off track. Anyway he doesnt seem to care about me at all anymore. When I talk to him and tell him if doesnt love me then divorce me he says "no I still love you Im not going anywhere"

 

All I ask him to do is text me while he is off hanging out with the guys (he wont), Give up a guy night once a month to hang out with me (he wont), talk to me about his feelings and worries or any problems (he wont), and not be so angry with our son all the time (he wont)

 

So I guess my question is what would you do? I cant afford to leave him right now as I have no job and no place to go. I cant just leave my son with him bc I honestly think after a week of taking care of him on his own he will probably end up beating my son. (hes not an abusive guy but he can be rough with our son to the point where I have to put him in his place) Ive tried talking to him. Im just lost and the only thing that keeps me going is my son.

 

Sorry this is so long and possibly all over the place!

[JTG]

Hello there! Sorry you are going through this rough patch in your life. Problems in a relationship are always hard, and the longer the relationship it is sometimes tougher to get any traction to see a change. By that I mean being complacent in emotions towards addressing any issues brought up. Being a stay at home mom and unemployed makes it hard due not being able to remove your self from the daily grind. My answer to your question would be to work on your self. That being said, it is like eating an elephant, one bite at a time. If you are able to join a YMCA for exercise and other events. Exercise in general helps you feel better anyways and a by product of that is also getting in shape. Most people look at it the other ways around... You could always volunteer somewhere and that will get you out of the house and also help out others in some way. There are many things that can be done, but the important thing is put you first for a little while. I understand you are a mother and a wife, so you don't need to drop everything. Loosing weight for your husband is losing weight for the wrong reason. Losing weight for yourself to feel better about yourself and have a healthier life is the goal. Try to be more positive about yourself even if you aren't where you want to be, because day by day it will start to become a habit. There are two great books by Gary chapman, The Five Love Languages and the four seasons of marriage. Both are great books to read. The most important part is that it takes work and commitment to make changes to yourself, but you are the person that wins in the long run no matter what. Don't worry about the stripper thing, you were right in that's what they get paid for.

JTG