Not entirely sure if I'm being stupid...

[littlebitunsure]

Hi All

 

I've literally just registered on here because I felt I needed to tell someone everything and this seemed the best way...

 

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm being stupid or if I'm in a / going towards a marriage with problems. I'm 32 and my wife is 34, we've been married for 3 1/2 years, together for 7 in total. We have a 20 month old son that we both adore.

 

We've had a really tough time since our son was born, my wife haemorrhaged 10 days after he was born, he was admitted to hospital twice, had an operation at a month old, my wife's mum unfortunately passed away, she was diagnosed with depression (been off tablets a few months now), she had an operation having suffered in pain for a few months after the birth and there's some other things that I can never remember or will remember just after I post.

 

Anyway, now things have settled down I don't feel that close to my wife, we never have sex (probably about 6 times since our son was born, we're just back from holiday and there was no form of intimacy at all during it) and it's always me who initiates any form of physical contact / intimacy. I've lost count of the excuses she's made, I even said to her do you not think a couple our age should not have more regular sex and her response was "I don't know, not sure really" and when I asked if she thought no closeness or sex was a problem she said "not really". I get she's had a lot going on but it's all affected me hugely too (sometimes at the height of the depression if she didn't answer her phone I'd be concerned at what might have happened) and I know after depression sometimes people don't "go back" to who they were. I've read up on it a lot and it was me that ensured she went to speak to our doctor in the first place. Note sex is a useful illustrator of how I don't feel we're close, it's not the only thing.

 

Recently I've started to wonder what else is out there and even begun to think about ex girlfriends (probably doesn't help that my last serious girlfriend prior to meeting my wife added me on facebook!) and where we're going as a couple. We talk about having another child in the future but I've made it clear we can't go from not having sex to having sex to have a baby, it's not healthy.

 

I guess I almost feel like I want someone to show me more affection, want me, help me a bit (I've been a bit concerned I might be creeping towards some form of depression as I'm finding I'm lazier than usual, lack motivation, get frustrated easily etc.). When I said I'd been down recently to my wife she just shrugged / laughed it off. I guess feeling like this makes me wonder what else there might be out there.

 

Am I just being a bit stupid, is this just "normal" things that a marriage goes through?

 

PS - sorry for waffling on!

[Outsider77]

What you are going through is not uncommon in relationships after kids. However, I wouldn't say it is "normal" as in acceptable to live with. Life changes a lot after kids and women often go full into mommy-mode and neglect their relationship. Postpartum depression also causes a lot of problems.

 

Your wife is depressed and with the baby I'm sure things are difficult for her. It sounds to me like she needs counseling and you both could use marriage counseling.

 

I'm not surprised that you are thinking of other women. You aren't getting any affection from your wife and you are feeling alone and depressed as a result. You need to have an honest discussion with her and tell her what you have said here. (Although I would leave out the part about thinking of other women.) If you guys talk it out and make some efforts to change, I think things can get a lot better.

[oldshirt]

What was your love/sex life like prior to the baby? If it was hot, passionate, wild monkey sex and things changed suddenly then you need to ask what happened at the time of the change (in this case a lot of medical, physical and emotional issues along with the big change in family dynamics with the baby)

 

Step one is always rule out medical. In this case there has been childbirth, complications, serious medical emergency with surgery, a death in the family and having to adjust to a new baby all at the same time. Everyone would be a little koo-koo after that...

 

BUT.....

 

People still need and deserve and are entitled to love and affection and closeness and passion and intimacy and sexuality. Everyone gets sick, everyone has bad things happen to them and everyone has traumas at various times of their lives. That doesn't mean we just shut down and close out the people closest to us.

 

Here is a game plan for you -

 

- For starters keep it clean and on the up and up and leave the ex's and other women out of everything and focus on yourself and on taking care of your family. if you stray, you will blow everything up and will have no hope of fixing anything or of things ever getting better and will likely result in a bitter divorce and years of resentment and bitterness following.

 

- Back off completely on any pressure on her for sex or physical contact. If she needs a hug or wants to hold hands or something, be there for her but don't try to initiate sex or anything that might be considered pressure.

 

- along with that don't whine, complain, grumble, plead, negotiate, threaten or anything. Just keep yourself occupied doing things that are constructive and manly.

 

- start getting yourself as fit and attractive as you can. Start working out, losing weight, gaining muscle. Get a new hair cut, update your wardrobe with something new and stylish. Whiten your teeth, start tanning and start dressing up more both at home and when ever you leave the house.

 

- take up some kind of fun, healthy hobby or activity that gets you out of the house and interacting with other people. Invite her to join you in it. if she goes along, great. if not, say ok with a smile and then do it without her.

 

- don't neglect your child and family though. be very involved in household chores, home repairs, car maintenance, child rearing etc.

 

Give this your all and give it a minimum of 2 full months. By the end of 2 months you should be looking better, feeling better, are more chipper and spry around the house and have a circle of some new friends and associates.

 

Then start looking into the nuts and bolts and technicalities of divorce. Your goal here is not to pursue a divorce yet but to educate yourself about them so that you know exactly how the process works, what will be required of you, required of her, what will happen with the child, how much you will owe in child support/spousal support etc etc.

 

Along with that, start circling your wagons so that you can protect yourself and protect your resources and assets and relationship with you child as best as humanly possible. Again you are getting educated, not making actual plans at this point.

 

 

Then once you have done all that and you are looking sharp, feeling good, have your assets protected and know exactly how divorce works and have a realistic idea of what post-divorce life will look like. make an appointment with a competent marital counselor/therapist.

 

Find a baby sitter and make the arraingments for the sitter to watch the child.

 

Then tell your wife that you are very concerned with the state of your marriage and that you want to make it as happy and healthy for your family as possible and that you know something is missing and lacking for the both you. Then tell her you have made arraingements for a sitter and an appointment with a therapist and that you would like her to enter into counseling with you.

 

If she refuses, go by yourself and explain everything to the counselor and work with him/her by yourself until you can get her to attend with you.

 

If she does consent to going, when you are with the counselor do not be accusatory or blaming or pointing fingers but do be very open and honest about what you need in order to be in a happy and healthy marriage.

 

Be open and honest about how being in a loveless and sexless marriage makes you feel and be very open and honest about what you need in order for it to work.

 

You do not need to make any threats or ultimatums at this point. in saying what you need in order to be good, she will get the message and either she will be willing to work on that or she won't.

 

If she won't and refuses to provide that or refuses to work on in it in good faith, that is when you say, "this is what will happen in a divorce..." and explain to her how the divorce process works and what she will get out of the divorce and what post-divorce life will look like for her and your child.

 

The chances are good she will give reconciliation a try and you work with the therapist on that.

 

If she refuses or she only gives lip-service to trying to work on the marriage and does not follow the therapists recommendations in good faith, then you are within your right to dissolve the marriage.

 

At that point both of you are fully aware of what is at stake and both of you are informed of the others position and aware of the results of your choices and it is all fair for all parties.

[oldshirt]

...Oh also...

 

For the love of all that is Holy DO NOT repeat DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! get her pregnant again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Trust me on this, as God as my witness at some point during all of this you are going to come home to a candlelight dinner and her all dressed in lingerie and high heels and she is going to suddenly act all warm and sexy and seductive and try to entice you into having another baby.

 

DO NOT FALL FOR IT! IT IS A TRAP! with another child in the picture, she will be ten times more frigid and unapproachable and there will be another child to pay child support on when you do finally divorce (and with the added stress of another baby, a divorce would be inevitable)

 

Your marriage is potentially salvageable at this point if both you pull your heads out of your asses and work on it. If you add the additional stress and disruption of another child, divorce is guaranteed and it will be at a lot higher cost.

[oldshirt]

One last thing...

 

Nothing you have said shouts out that there is another man in the picture but a lot of people have been completely blindsided before. As just part of due diligence you need to do some investigative work and make sure that she isn't getting it somewhere else.

 

Check her computer, phone, email, facebook, credit card records, purse, car, etc etc and look for anything that might indicate there is someone else that she is getting her lovings from while you change diapers and clean up puke etc.

 

There have been countless countless men that thought that their wives were completely sexless and had completely lost interest in sex, only to find out that there were living the life of porn stars and doing anal and getting spewed in face..... just not with them!

 

As just part of the process you need to do some detective work and do your due diligence to rule that out.

[What4]

I just read your post and it shocked me because it is the opposite in my relationship my husband and I have been married for 6 yrs and have a 4 year old and I too had many complications and pushed people away at first because I was depressed but now I don't feel any affection from my husband and have tried talking about it but it seems to always be brushed off. I do hope things get better for you and she might need more time to get over things and I also know it's hard to not just give up. My only suggestion would be to be there and support her because you might have been there with her but she went through everything and sometimes that's hard to grasp from another's perspective. Wishing you the best

[d0nnivain]

Men need sex to feel loved. Women need love to want sex.

 

Your wife is depressed. It's a disease. If you have never experienced full on depression you can't imagine how isolating & debilitating it can be. She needs help & understanding. That doesn't negate your frustration but woudl you leave her if she had cancer? Of course not. So instead of pressuring her & feeling sorry for yourself, try to find some understanding. Tell her how much you love her & find a good marriage counself as well as private therapist for her so you can work your way back together

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Damn! With all that happened in such a short period of time, no wonder! Usually I am all for leaving a sexless marriage, but in this case, I honestly think she cannot help it.

 

First of all, as indicated before, leave the other women alone! Seriously. Don't seek comfort, friendship or sex or anything with another woman. Seek a counselor.

 

Second of all, seek medical intervention.

 

Third, marriage counselor. That is a no-brainer.

 

Fourth, show her love and support, even if you don't feel it.

[Mcle]

Look at all your wife has dealt with in the past 20 months! OMG she probably barely feels human yet. I understand your needs are not being met but, it sounds like your wife is incapable right now, which is entirely different from unwilling.

 

This is real life and it sounds like your first test. So who are you when the going gets tough? The guys who cheats and bails? Or the guy that helps his wife mourn the death of her mom, and deal with the physical and emotional effects of having your child. How you deal with this hurdle will determine who you are.

[littlebitunsure]

Thanks for the replies guys. Think I should probably clear a couple of things up - I'm not thinking of cheating on or leaving her, just wanted to share and perhaps ask for advice, not least because as much as I enjoy sex I've leash thought it's far better in a committed relationship than the odd one night stand. The comment re other women I think is just a natural instinct - when something is bad you look around (e.g. Bad job, you look for another) but you don't just flip to something new. It's a major problem with things like Facebook, they're edited highlights of peoples lives, just the good bits and it can make you feel your own life is much worse.

 

The sex thing is an illustrator I guess, I don't need sex to feel loved but I do need need affection and by in large I get neither. I'm 100% sure she's not having an affair as she doesn't have time and as a teacher can't just take a morning or afternoon off like an office worker could for a liaison with another man.

 

I do think she's still depressed and I've lightly touched on the subject but she is adamant she's not. She's different to before it all and from why I've read people are often different after depression (they don't necessarily go back to "normal") but then I suppose I am too.

 

I guess I just want to feel loved more, maybe have someone listen to me a bit because as I'm sure you all know it's not easy for me either. I saw my best friend last weekend (she's a girl but it's not like that) and we talked about some of this, it was so nice to have someone listen.

 

At least whatever is happening my son can always make me smile haha!

[Mr. Lucky]

Third, marriage counselor. That is a no-brainer.

 

Fourth, show her love and support, even if you don't feel it.

Good advice. You too are ideal candidates - young, much at stake and without decades of resentment to set things in stone. Make an appointment and tell her you're going.

 

Also, as Daisy says, make sure you're giving what you hope to get...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BeingMe]

She may not be clinically depressed, but she is going through the cycle of grief and also trying to deal with the traumatic birth. Many women who suffer birth trauma find it very hard to get excited about sex again. She maybe scared of getting pregnant again, scared that she doesn't feel the same to you, being looser may have made sex less enjoyable etc etc. Most likely it's something she needs to talk through with a counsellor and with you. Sounds like you both need to get some help with open and honest communication, though.

 

Personally, I would tell her about thinking about exs etc. It brings it into the open, which makes it less likely you'll act on it. It may also help her realise how serious this all is to you and your marriage. But most of all, it's about being open, honest and vulnerable with her, which will help her feel more emotionally safe with you and more likely to open up too.