Triangulation - how does it apply to affairs?

[veryhappy]

I saw someone mentioning this term somewhere around here. I think it was Quiet Storm. I apologize if it was someone else.

 

I tried to look it up online a little bit and didn't find that much about affairs, but it is my sense that it would explain the dynamic for a lot of cases, why the triangle is more stable than the couple and why the couple metaforiclaly kills the third party when push comes to shove.

 

I'll just link to wikepedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

 

Please share your insight, especially if you are a trained psycologist.

[veryhappy]

For some reason the link above is incomplete and I can't fix it from my phone. You need to add the ")" at the end.

 

This got my curiosity started because it sounds like exactly what exAP was doing when I have told him so many times not to mention his W. He would bring her up constantly, I would get upset, he'd blame me somehow for starting the conversation and the triangle was alive and working by maintaining a sense of competition between me and her. Sometimes the excuse was that he wanted to let me know how miserable he's at home by saying bad things, other times he'd throw happy things at me (as in "had a good meal tonight prepared by the wife" - well who asked and why are you sharing? The wife was not into cooking).

Edited November 1, 2013 by cutedragon

[ladydesigner]

I think it may be the Karpman Triangle. The Victim, The Rescuer and The Persecutor or something like that

[cocorico]

I saw someone mentioning this term somewhere around here. I think it was Quiet Storm. I apologize if it was someone else.

 

I tried to look it up online a little bit and didn't find that much about affairs, but it is my sense that it would explain the dynamic for a lot of cases, why the triangle is more stable than the couple and why the couple metaforiclaly kills the third party when push comes to shove.

 

I'll just link to wikepedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

 

Please share your insight, especially if you are a trained psycologist.

 

The only triangulation which applied on my A was this one:

 

According to O’Donoghue and Punch (2003), triangulation is a “method of cross-checking data from multiple sources to search for regularities in the research data."

 

I have often used the term "triangulation" on these boards in relation to the A - and as a social scientist, that was the meaning I was ascribing to he term. Essentially, I used it to explain that (contrary to the stereotype) I did not simply "believe everything a 'cheater' said", but I relied on multiple sources of information and multiple means to ensure the reliability and validity of my information.

 

The other usage did not apply at all.

[GypsumSatellite]

When I speak about triangulation in regards to the A I'm involved in, I speak to how my MM uses all women as points of triangulation. If I mention something I've done that day, he will point out his female child, his W, his exes or some other lady his knows who has done similar. He constantly uses women in a tug-of-war in his life. If he dated in high school, he had one female friend hang off his shoulder to tease his current girlfriend into jealousy. If he was engaged in college, he would make many female friends to make his fiance jealous and work harder at pleasing him. When he married his W, he would comment on how his mother or sisters did things a certain way to subtly engage her into doing the same.

 

From a woman on a video to a woman in the street, he will compare and contrast them with whomever is his intended to force a certain behavior in them. You don't notice it at first, but over time it becomes a pattern. He has to have a female adversary to nag him (his W, his mother, a sibling, a coworker) then a female rescuer (myself, a past ex, his W) to "poor pitiful!" him. And when the roles get equalized, he pokes whichever one he wants to jump a certain way and the cycle starts again.

 

In the affair, his W has to be the enemy to him to be able to justify the attention he garners from me. He has to say "I don't get this at home" in order to coax me into the rescuer mode. Then whenever I'm complacent enough, he pokes me with "She did an activity with me that you and I usually do", in order to trigger me into jumping hoops.

 

It is a way to incite competition even if the OW or OM may not feel there's a race to be won.

[liloldlady]

I think its more simplistic than you all are making it out to be-I think she just meant a relationship with three sides-like a triangle-

 

Yeah. It's a starting point which represents often the man, and two lines emerge from him, lines that have nothing to do with the other. Absolutely nothing at all.

[Quiet Storm]

Most people that triangulate grew up in a home where it was a common occurrence. Mom and dad would argue, mom would then secretly tell child about all dads faults so that the child would be on "her side". It's a way for the triangulator to feel powerful. They manipulate and pit family members against each other in covert and sneaky ways. Its very common in dysfunctional families.

 

These little manipulated kids grow up, and repeat this behavior because its familiar and its what was modeled for them. They will do it by getting an OW as his savior and confidante, picking apart the BS actions as if she was under a microscope. he will pick fights with bw, so that he can be saved or coddled by the OW. What's really sad is when they do this to their own kids. It's a manipulation method, and brings them feelings of power. They are the puppetmaster and like to play the victim.

 

If the MM leaves BW for OW, he will still crave that dynamic. Without BW, OW has no purpose. The relationship will fall apart or the MM will put OW into the bad guy role and find a new OW to save him. It's like those corner tables with three legs- when one of the legs breaks it all falls down.

 

It's all about him and his dysfunction, and the players will be interchangeable over the course of his lifetime unless he gets therapy to change his patterns.

Edited November 5, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[ladydesigner]

Most people that triangulate grew up in a home where it was a common occurrence. Mom and dad would argue, mom would then secretly tell child about all dads faults so that the child would be on "her side". It's a way for the triangulator to feel powerful. They manipulate and pit family members against each other in covert and sneaky ways. Its very common in dysfunctional families.

 

These little manipulated kids grow up, and repeat this behavior because its familiar and its what was modeled for them. They will do it by getting an OW as his savior and confidante, picking apart the BS actions as if she was under a microscope. he will pick fights with bw, so that he can be saved or coddled by the OW. What's really sad is when they do this to their own kids. It's a manipulation method, and brings them feelings of power. They are the puppetmaster and like to play the victim.

 

If the MM leaves BW for OW, he will still crave that dynamic. Without BW, OW has no purpose. The relationship will fall apart or the MM will put OW into the bad guy role and find a new OW to save him. It's like those corner tables with three legs- when one of the legs breaks it all falls down.

 

It's all about him and his dysfunction, and the players will be interchangeable over the course of his lifetime unless he gets therapy to change his patterns.

 

I find this fascinating. Both my WH and I grew up in Triangulated homes, but my WH was typical in what I bolded in your post. I remember after Dday when my anger was in full steam, he and MOW took my reaction to their A as the big bad abuser wife and poor WH, ugh it was sickening. I finally gave up and said just go be with her. I was exhausted. Fool still didn't leave.

[cocorico]

Yeah. It's a starting point which represents often the man, and two lines emerge from him, lines that have nothing to do with the other. Absolutely nothing at all.

 

Exactly. A triangle has three sides. An A would only be a triangle if the OW and BW were connected in some way to each other. In most cases, they are not.

[Quiet Storm]

Exactly. A triangle has three sides. An A would only be a triangle if the OW and BW were connected in some way to each other. In most cases, they are not.

 

They are connected by the MM. Both OW and BW share the same man. He sets up the dynamic, and they are the players.

 

In mm's mind, both bw and ow play their assigned roles. Ow and bs conscious relationship to each other is redundant- it stems from his dysfunction.

 

How you can say they aren't connected is beyond me.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[cocorico]

They are connected by the MM. Both OW and BW share the same man. He sets up the dynamic, and they are the players.

 

In mm's mind, both bw and ow play their assigned roles. Ow and bs conscious relationship to each other is redundant- it stems from his dysfunction.

 

How you can say they aren't connected is beyond me.

 

Um, have you looked at a triangle? Each point is connected independently to the other two. The only "connection" a BW and OW have with each other in most As is via the MM. That is not a triangle. That is two independent lines that intersect at a point (the MM). A triangle would require there to be a line that runs directly from OW to BW without passing through the MM.

[Quiet Storm]

Um, have you looked at a triangle? Each point is connected independently to the other two. The only "connection" a BW and OW have with each other in most As is via the MM. That is not a triangle. That is two independent lines that intersect at a point (the MM). A triangle would require there to be a line that runs directly from OW to BW without passing through the MM.

 

I am referring to what's known as the drama triangle or karpman triangle, not geometry.

[cocorico]

I am referring to what's known as the drama triangle or karpman triangle, not geometry.

 

Then it's a bad metaphor.

[SoleMate]

An A would only be a triangle if the OW and BW were connected in some way to each other. In most cases, they are not.

Based on Loveshack data, many or most OW are connected to the associated BS by an unseen leg of the triangle: obsession and fascination, usually suffused with hostility. One need only look at the number of posts by OW talking about the BS. That's the connection....not that they meet, but the way they think of each other and the posting energy present there.

 

The unseen (yet very real) leg of the triangle. It's sometimes one-way - where BS is not aware of the A - and sometimes reciprocal.

[carhill]

The commonality throughout my interactions with MW's over the decades was that they were coming to me with their marital business, generally negative to their spouse, and engaging or attempting to engage my perspective and support as part of their network of social support and manipulation.

 

To the extent that I did the same during my EA, I was 'triangulating' a third party into my marriage, where ideally and healthfully any discourse regarding the M should have remained between my spouse and myself.

 

From what I learned in MC, triangulation isn't necessarily a component of affairs and also can apply to interactions which have nothing to do with affairs, like same (hetero) gender/friends/family. Bring others into the partnership and the dynamic is subject to triangulation. An example of healthy third party intervention/interaction is where both spouses engage a professional to work through their issues. The interactions are mutually agreed upon and transparent to all parties.

[salparadise]

In Bowen Family Systems theory the triangle is the fundamental and smallest stable system configuration.

 

Otherwise, I believe you're talking about a concept

explains pretty well. Edited November 7, 2013 by salparadise