Jules6186 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 My Ex and I had a hardship in our year long relationship, due to the loss of a pregnancy. Just as we were starting to heal and move forward and I was FINALLY feeling happy again, he left me for a younger coworker who is so similar to me, she even dyes her hair the color of mine (red). Everything seemed FINE till they were at a birthday party together that I had to arrive at late and the minute I get there, I find them in close conversation on the patio, and he breaks up with me minutes after. I find out she was "there for him" that night after that while I went home, heartbroken and alone. It came out that before we broke up, she had stated publicly that she was going to make him hers and when it was pointed out that we were together, her public response was "I don't care." Now I have to watch them be happy and flaunt their "love" all the time. I feel as if I paid all the dues and took all the pain and she dishonestly gets the best of him. That combined with a bunch of other hardships I've had to face (mostly health and money related) has left me with a really bad victim mentality that I can't seem to shake. Has anyone experienced this? What can be done about it? I'm sick of feeling like a helpless victim but the side effect of getting stuck in that mentality is I don't know how to change it! Advice? Thanks!
maiden555 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 That's terrible and so hurtful especially since you went through such a painful event while you were together. I struggle with the same thing- the victim mentality arises when I focus on my anger and how I was wronged, but it leaves you feeling powerless and...icky. I try to focus on the ways I wasn't perfect in the relationship to make me feel like less of a victim. I also think about how I'm actively choosing to keep him out of my life after that behavior, and how everyday I don't contact him is a choice I'm making for myself. I'm choosing self-respect and a better life. This makes me feel less powerless. 1
Janni Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I know what it's like to have your ex leave you for someone else. And you just feel like a victim. trash. discarded. It took me weeks to get out of that role. I started thinking very focused on the things he didn't want me to do. What ways he would limit me. And then I would do them (If I wanted to ocf) I just got my first tattoo - He always thought he had just as much to say as myself. And that he should "approve." I also try to enjoy buying stuff for my new apartment without having to consult him and make sure he likes it. I even focus on how other people are limited by their bfs. One friend of mine can't die her hair red because of her bf. Another chose to get her tattoo on her wrist instead of behind the ear as she wanted, because her bf thought it was a bit trucker-like. And so on. I still struggle though. But especially what maiden555 says about remembering that you choose not to reach out to him. You have chosen, that you do not want him in your life anymore. You will get through this some time. I am so sorry you had to and still are going through this. I wouldn't want it for my worst enemy. 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 This is going to sound really happy clappy, but I think you need to focus on ways of getting your 'power' back. Basically, whenever something bad happens to us or someone hurts us, we give our power over to them/'it' I would goggle this subject and try out any recommendations/suggestions they give. What you are feeling is only natural. In fact I am feeling a lot of it myself right now. But it comes down to going through the normal grieving process and trying to remember that you are a powerful person.
bob the brave Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Holy ****! I had a similar situation. I had health problems thrown in as well. It feels like everything is stripped from you, like life doesn't want you to play anymore. Add to this the injustice and you feel so lost, worthless, hurt. But, and I'm sure you know this, no matter how bad you feel, you actually won. Luckily you didn't have a kid with this jerk. What kind of woman did he get that doesn't care about others? And what kind of person is he to accept her? You won big time. People like this confuse love with attraction. They like the intoxicating effect of attraction, the adventure of exploring something new and the ego boost. When all of this fades, and believe me it will, they will be left with two selfish people who do not really care for each other. They will then wander again and repeat the cycle. They will do this until they get to old to continue and then will settle, but likely will never love someone because they don't know what that means. I can only hope your health improves. You've already proven you're marketable, so get back out there as soon as you can. This is the best way to forget and regain a life without him. Now you are stronger, wiser and you are free to find the guy who will respect and love you no matter what. Hang in there, you can make it! 2
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