Having a set back and still haven't stayed at my apartment since BU

[Janni]

You can read my story here: Depressed ex boyfriend dumped me after 6 years and is now sleeping with her

 

I am 5 weeks NC now. He e-mailed me last week and it really set me back. I talked to my parents and a friend about it. My mother works with my ex's best friends gf. She was the one who told me (my mother) about my ex seeing someone else. Anyway. When I told my mom that my ex had e-mailed me about money, she told me that her colleague had told her something. A week before, my ex had been to a birthday party with his group of friends. He'd arrived looking like a caveman - Untrimmed beard and everything. (He wanted to grow his beard for Movember, but always trimmed it, so it would look presentable) Furthermore he didn't bring money to pay his part of the gift, he owes his best friend a lot of money for the gift and a canoeing trip from back before the BU. And my ex left almost immediately again, which is very much unlike him. He's always the last one to leave. Oh. And he didn't bring her.

 

I want you to know, that I do NOT want my ex back. At all. I still love him, yes. And I miss him. But I can never forgive him for what he's done to me and how he treated and still treats me whenever he tries contacting me. But I am afraid, somehow, somewhere in my brain, this information from my mother has given my hope. Maybe just hope that he's not with his colleague anymore, hope that he's realizing how awful his life is without me.

 

The bond I felt with him had decreased through the first four weeks. Quite a lot actually. But I feel it coming back now, although I have not contacted him or broken NC in any way at all.

 

I feel I am struggling more with getting out of bed in the morning. And to make things worse, my classmates are nagging me for my absence. They don't understand my situation and I can just feel how they are thinking, that I should pull myself off of the floor and move on. That it's just a break up. But there is no just in this. It's my first serious BU. We were together for 6 years - Since I turned 16. I have only ever had sex with him. I've only kissed two other guys than him. He was my best friend in the whole world and truly the only person I ever felt like I could be myself 100% around. I honestly feel like I am going through a horrible divorce with a revengeful ex husband. I feel I have lost my life, my future. That I need to rebuild everything.

 

I am thinking about getting a new job - Haven't been to work more than once since the BU because I can't hold back the tears. It reminds me too much of him.

 

Yes, I am going out a bit. Going to classes. I try to do stuff. But the whole incident where he e-mailed me and had his mother text me, just really hit me. I hope you can help me.

[Janni]

Oh. And as my title say, I haven't stayed at my apartment since our BU.

 

We lived together and I got the place a few days after I went NC. But I am staying at my mother's, because I just can't deal with being alone..

[Mariposa10]

First of all, you need to ask your mom to please not tell you anything related to your ex. You two need to stop doing that, stop talking about him, I"m sure you guys have talked about his many times. It's time to stop. Otherwise, you're gonna start making things up/imagining things just like you're already doing it asking yourself what it means that he was looking the way he was looking.

 

I can relate when you talk about the other girl. When I recently started NC, I also kept wondering if he would hang out with her more now that I was gonna be out of his life, or if he was done with her, just like he told me.

Then I asked myself, if I'm gonna be doing all this wondering what's the point of NC? So I started repeating that to myself. I started saying OUT LOUD, "whatever he's doing right now it's none of your business." We need to get that in our heads. At first it hurts and feels weird after being with someone for so long, but we must do it.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, you guys were together for 6 years. Try to see things in a more realistic way. You were with him since you were 16 years old, it was gonna be pretty much impossible to stay with him for the rest of your life. I know maybe I shouldn't say this because I don't know and don't want this to be a setback. But I'm sure that at least he's having a hard time adjusting to this new life. However, that's none of your business.

 

Mourn the relationship, but also help yourself get better. Don't expect quick results. It'll take months before you start feeling better and that's fine. But after all of this is over you will be so much stronger. You have a future ahead of you. You'll be happy once again in the future. You will fall in love again.

[Mariposa10]

Oh. And as my title say, I haven't stayed at my apartment since our BU.

 

We lived together and I got the place a few days after I went NC. But I am staying at my mother's, because I just can't deal with being alone..

 

That's great, I seriously admire people who go through a breakup while living alone. I wouldn't have survived if it hadn't been for my family.

[xUnknown]

Move out of the apartment. Pack up all your stuff and move back home or get a new place. For the time being, staying with your mom is good. It helps to be around people. My ex and I were on a break for 2 weeks, as of today 3 weeks since bu (5 weeks not together). I'm on house arrest now and she did it within the first week. Talk about being lonely. =\ Whatever. I pick myself up and move on from it. It sucks, mine was only 2 years. I can't imagine 6.

 

You're much stronger than I am, I just know that because of how long you two have been together for. Get out of that apartment though. I feel like that is just a loose end that needs to be tied up..its asking for closure. I feel after you move out, that door to your life will close and you will feel tons better. The knowing you will NEVER have to go back to that place will bring you peace and help you move forward.

Edited November 1, 2013 by xUnknown

[Janni]

First of all, you need to ask your mom to please not tell you anything related to your ex. You two need to stop doing that, stop talking about him, I"m sure you guys have talked about his many times. It's time to stop. Otherwise, you're gonna start making things up/imagining things just like you're already doing it asking yourself what it means that he was looking the way he was looking.

 

My mom only told me, because we he'd e-mailed me. She doesn't tell me anything anymore and didn't tell me anything during the four weeks until he contacted me last week. So it was only that one time and it wont happen again. I want to ask, but I don't.

 

I can relate when you talk about the other girl. When I recently started NC, I also kept wondering if he would hang out with her more now that I was gonna be out of his life, or if he was done with her, just like he told me.

Then I asked myself, if I'm gonna be doing all this wondering what's the point of NC? So I started repeating that to myself. I started saying OUT LOUD, "whatever he's doing right now it's none of your business." We need to get that in our heads. At first it hurts and feels weird after being with someone for so long, but we must do it.

 

I am actually not thinking much about what he's doing. Sometimes I think "He's at school now." but it's rare and mostly connected with the fact that I am going somewhere, where I am afraid of meeting him.

 

Don't be hard on yourself, you guys were together for 6 years. Try to see things in a more realistic way. You were with him since you were 16 years old, it was gonna be pretty much impossible to stay with him for the rest of your life. I know maybe I shouldn't say this because I don't know and don't want this to be a setback. But I'm sure that at least he's having a hard time adjusting to this new life. However, that's none of your business.

 

Mourn the relationship, but also help yourself get better. Don't expect quick results. It'll take months before you start feeling better and that's fine. But after all of this is over you will be so much stronger. You have a future ahead of you. You'll be happy once again in the future. You will fall in love again.

 

Thank you for your post. I agree with you and it bothers me to have this set me back, because I was doing surprisingly good. It really helps me, for someone to tell me "it's okay to feel sad. You were together a long time. thisis not "just" anything."

 

Move out of the apartment. Pack up all your stuff and move back home or get a new place. For the time being, staying with your mom is good. It helps to be around people. My ex and I were on a break for 2 weeks, as of today 3 weeks since bu (5 weeks not together). I'm on house arrest now and did it within the first week. Talk about being lonely. =\ Whatever. I pick myself up and move on from it. It sucks, mine was only 2 years. I can't imagine 6.

 

You're much stronger than I am, I just know that because of how long you two have been together for. Get out of that apartment though. I feel like that is just a loose end that needs to be tied up..its asking for closure. I feel after you move out, that door to your life will close and you will feel tons better. The knowing you will NEVER have to go back to that place will bring you peace and help you move forward.

 

Thank you. Though I think you misunderstood me. I never lived with him at my current place. He's never set foot there and never seen it. He doesn't even know the address. So it's as fresh of a start as can be. I just am not strong enough emotionally to be alone. I think it might be because we've been together since I turned 16 and therefore, I was NEVER supposed to live alone. My future was always to move in with him.

 

That's great, I seriously admire people who go through a breakup while living alone. I wouldn't have survived if it hadn't been for my family.

 

Thank you. I never was close to my family. But I still am very thankful that they are there. Though my sister is still mad at me and haven't even talked to me through this. I feel let down by her. Yes, she's mad at me, but I am going through hell and she can't even put our arguments aside and support me, like she should. Anyway, she's never tried it, so she probably can't relate.

[Janni]

I believe I miss him as much as I do partly because of the things above, but also because I have other problems in my life right now. And he was always my support. Always the first person I'd call or text, to calm me down. But he's not there now.

[Janni]

Oh dear. Talked to parents. Talked to friends. Mom said this, auntie said that!!

 

You will go in circles listening to the amateur advisers. These situations call for calm, neutral help from specialists in these situations.

 

If you are serious about patching things up, isolate yourself from the amateurs and call in the pros.

 

Tj

ReclaimLostLove.com | Reignite That Flame...

 

I must say your post isn't very helpful. Using the words amateur and pro isn't very specific, since I'd probably have a different perception of the words than you. But if it makes you feel better, I am seeing a therapist and I've been seeing her since august. And she does actually agree with my mother and me. So, maybe my mother isn't as much of an amateur as you think.

 

Anyway, if I were to follow your advice, not listening/talking to "amateurs" meaning people who aren't professionally educated to handle this, then what? I should just shut down and not talk to anyone other than my therapist once every three weeks? How would that be healthy?