Girlfriend of 9 months unplanned pregnancy..

[upanddownagain]

Hello,

Not sure if this is in the right forum..

I have spoken to my friends about my situation, but just thought that some outside advice may be good too.I'm 29 and I've been seeing a girl for the last 9 months and we became boyfriend/girlfriend, hardly having a weekend apart. It's been a great time. In September we had a week holiday. I should add that she is on the pill and has been for a long time. Come October my girlfriend's period was already around a week or so late. I asked her to do a pregnancy as some of the things she was feeling I knew to be pregnancy symptoms. It came back positive. I was shell shocked and my initial reaction was that it needs aborting as it was so early. I was also told that my girlfriend missed 3 pills. I was mad that she never told me this as we could have used extra precautions. This is one of the biggest hang ups I have with the situation. I'm told she cannot do that and will not ever do that. So since then I have been trying to come to terms with becoming a father and settling down with my girlfriend. Things are now 7 weeks along and we have seen the babies heartbeat. We do not live together and had flights booked to go travel SE Asia and Australia, next week, all planned before the surprise. We were visiting her family while out there, whom I've never met. Some times I am feeling up about it all and think it's times I grew up and took on the responsibility. Other times I feel really down about it as it feels completely out of my control as the abortion was non-negotiable and almost feeling resentment towards my girlfriend for not having told me she had missed the pill. Her answer was that "I've missed pills before and not got pregnant!!" This information of missing pill habits would have been useful beforehand. I had approached the subject about her birth control but was barked at for suggesting she wasn't taking the pill or properly.

Apologies for the long windedness. Would I be an absolute **** to walk away from the relationship now, due to the growing resentment I'm feeling towards her? Please no abuse, as I know it's a crappy thing to be thinking of but I'm just utterly confused right now and would appreciate some outside advice.

Many Thanks,

[d0nnivain]

This child is yours whether you want to continue a romantic relationship or not. You don't have to stay with her but you may owe legal obligations to the child.

[NoLeafClover]

Hello,

Not sure if this is in the right forum..

I have spoken to my friends about my situation, but just thought that some outside advice may be good too.I'm 29 and I've been seeing a girl for the last 9 months and we became boyfriend/girlfriend, hardly having a weekend apart. It's been a great time. In September we had a week holiday. I should add that she is on the pill and has been for a long time. Come October my girlfriend's period was already around a week or so late. I asked her to do a pregnancy as some of the things she was feeling I knew to be pregnancy symptoms. It came back positive. I was shell shocked and my initial reaction was that it needs aborting as it was so early. I was also told that my girlfriend missed 3 pills. I was mad that she never told me this as we could have used extra precautions. This is one of the biggest hang ups I have with the situation. I'm told she cannot do that and will not ever do that. So since then I have been trying to come to terms with becoming a father and settling down with my girlfriend. Things are now 7 weeks along and we have seen the babies heartbeat. We do not live together and had flights booked to go travel SE Asia and Australia, next week, all planned before the surprise. We were visiting her family while out there, whom I've never met. Some times I am feeling up about it all and think it's times I grew up and took on the responsibility. Other times I feel really down about it as it feels completely out of my control as the abortion was non-negotiable and almost feeling resentment towards my girlfriend for not having told me she had missed the pill. Her answer was that "I've missed pills before and not got pregnant!!" This information of missing pill habits would have been useful beforehand. I had approached the subject about her birth control but was barked at for suggesting she wasn't taking the pill or properly.

Apologies for the long windedness. Would I be an absolute **** to walk away from the relationship now, due to the growing resentment I'm feeling towards her? Please no abuse, as I know it's a crappy thing to be thinking of but I'm just utterly confused right now and would appreciate some outside advice.

Many Thanks,

 

You wouldn't be the first man to run from the wrath power of a vagina..

 

Sometimes I wish I had one just for negotiation purposes.

 

On the other hand...do you really want to have a child raised without a father and do you want to be that father that YOUR kid will not know and talk **** about because you were never around when he/she gets older?

[Balzac]

Define crappy. I'll get clammed here but she unilaterally opted to defy perfect use instructions. You are obligated to child support. That's the penalty men pay for having sex w dim witted women. Sorry pal.

[KatZee]

This child is yours whether you want to continue a romantic relationship or not. You don't have to stay with her but you may owe legal obligations to the child.

 

If he truly wants no part in this baby's life, and gives up his parental rights, he will not have any legal obligations to the child.

[Balzac]

Adoption is a reasonable option.

[d0nnivain]

If he truly wants no part in this baby's life, and gives up his parental rights, he will not have any legal obligations to the child.

 

That depends on what the local laws are where these people are and whether or not the person employs proper legal proceedures to surrender their parental rights. It's not as simple as just walking away but is an option.

[KatZee]

That depends on what the local laws are where these people are and whether or not the person employs proper legal proceedures to surrender their parental rights. It's not as simple as just walking away but is an option.

 

Yeah, if he just walks she can file for child support. If they go through the courts and he terminates his rights, then he's off that financial hook. But yeah, it would depend on what the local laws are.

[KatZee]

Adoption is a reasonable option.

 

That's not up to him though. That's totally her call.

[ConstantVoyager]

I would be furious with her if I were you. She was playing Russian Roulette with your future and didn't even bother to tell you.

 

That said, you need to decide if you think the relationship is salvageable for the sake of your child. If not, make plans to try to be in the child's life as much as possible.

 

It amazes me sometimes that men trust women they've only known for a few months to be responsible with all the birth control concerns. If I were a man, I'd want to see her swallow that pill every damn day or I'd use a condom religiously.

[upanddownagain]

The thought of someone else raising my child is an awful thought and I know living life having walked away from the child would chew me up. Although it's possible if we broke up I could have a part to play in my child's life. This is in the UK by the way. You're right about the complacency about birth control. That's exactly how I'm feeling- Russian roulette with my life. If we stick together I'm hoping that we will bond through the child but I'm just having a hard time getting passed the fact she's so blasé about the whole thing. I should add that as she is going home to see family next week in Thailand then she may stay on there, if we're not together. She's been here for a decade.

[d0nnivain]

You better talk to a lawyer who knows international family law. If you are in the UK & she's in Thailand, who knows what rights you may or may not have.

[upanddownagain]

You're right. I need to get onto it.

Is it possible yo move thread to pregnancy forum? Only just found it!

[happydate]

Hello,

Not sure if this is in the right forum..

I have spoken to my friends about my situation, but just thought that some outside advice may be good too.I'm 29 and I've been seeing a girl for the last 9 months and we became boyfriend/girlfriend, hardly having a weekend apart. It's been a great time. In September we had a week holiday. I should add that she is on the pill and has been for a long time. Come October my girlfriend's period was already around a week or so late. I asked her to do a pregnancy as some of the things she was feeling I knew to be pregnancy symptoms. It came back positive. I was shell shocked and my initial reaction was that it needs aborting as it was so early. I was also told that my girlfriend missed 3 pills. I was mad that she never told me this as we could have used extra precautions. This is one of the biggest hang ups I have with the situation. I'm told she cannot do that and will not ever do that. So since then I have been trying to come to terms with becoming a father and settling down with my girlfriend. Things are now 7 weeks along and we have seen the babies heartbeat. We do not live together and had flights booked to go travel SE Asia and Australia, next week, all planned before the surprise. We were visiting her family while out there, whom I've never met. Some times I am feeling up about it all and think it's times I grew up and took on the responsibility. Other times I feel really down about it as it feels completely out of my control as the abortion was non-negotiable and almost feeling resentment towards my girlfriend for not having told me she had missed the pill. Her answer was that "I've missed pills before and not got pregnant!!" This information of missing pill habits would have been useful beforehand. I had approached the subject about her birth control but was barked at for suggesting she wasn't taking the pill or properly.

Apologies for the long windedness. Would I be an absolute **** to walk away from the relationship now, due to the growing resentment I'm feeling towards her? Please no abuse, as I know it's a crappy thing to be thinking of but I'm just utterly confused right now and would appreciate some outside advice.

Many Thanks,

 

I feel for you in the situation you are in right now. Felt to me like you just fell into her trap; a hook a line and a sinker. Sorry bud, but that's how these women operate.

 

First of all, I don't think you guys been through planned parenthood and an STI clinic have you? Checked for STI before committing unprotected sex? In the clinic and planned parenthood, they will explain to you and your girlfriend the risk of unplanned pregnancy. The excuse of women telling men that I missed the pills and not getting pregnant is just that, an excuse. Planned parenthood clinics with experienced staff will tell you otherwise. That is why they are there for. To provide guidance in the event like this to occur.

 

Some women just want to get pregnant period. They were looking for a man good enough to provide the seeds to her child and you did it. She won't tell you that she wants it, but her actions clearly showed that she really wanted the baby. If she is just looking for unprotected sex, she will do whatever it takes to make sure she's not going to get pregnant. If she missed pills or she's on some kind of medication and anti-biotics, she will tell you to put on the rubber! Pills are not effective in some situations and taking anti-biotics can render the pill ineffective for some period of time. Which is why when you want to creampie inside of her, make sure you understood the risks. While birth control pills are 98% effective, they are effective only if other factors are factored in.

 

The only advise to you is if you do not plan to take care of the child is to make sure to do a paternity test to make sure that's your child. But then, if she goes after you which most women will because raising a kid is a huge financial proposition, you will have no choice but to do it. It's good too. If that turns out to be not your kid, then you're off the hook. Please visit a STI clinic that you are not infected with any STI.

 

Raising a child is a huge financial commitment. One of my friends who actually ended like you married the girl only to divorce 10 years later. The financial drain and work weren't what he was expecting to be. Not easy.

 

So your call. I know how this going to sound, but unprotected sex feels great but there is always this consequence.

 

Take care.

[pteromom]

- It does no good to hang onto anger about your gf missing the pills and not telling you. That's done, and you have bigger fish to fry here.

 

- You do not have to stay in a relationship with her, no matter how you plan to proceed with the baby. Definitely do not stay with her only for the child... that won't be good for anyone involved.

 

- You can't make this decision based on emotion. You have to do it based on logic. Are you capable of being a good and involved father? Are you capable of helping to provide for the baby? Are you capable of committing to this for the rest of your life? If not, signing away your parental rights may be the best choice. You were willing to have the baby be aborted, so the feelings you are having about another man raising your child are 100% ego-driven, and should not be considered in this decision.

 

- If you do want to father this baby, then start working on finding an attorney. But don't spend money until the mother gets to 12 weeks, since that is the point where most pregnancies continue. (Before then, there is a greater risk of miscarriage.)

[upanddownagain]

Thanks very much for the replies. We both got checked out prior to going without condoms. It's almost certainly mine as the calculated conception date is bang in middle oa holiday together. I already had hoped that would let me off the hook! I've got a lot of thinking to do about whether I can fulfil my role as a father and stop pointing the finger of blame at her

[headinthecloud]

It sounds like you're both irresponsible but she definitely betrayed your trust by not telling you that she missed 3 pills. 1 is understandable, but 3 is irresponsible. The fact you stopped using condoms was also a poor choice given how you're feeling. The reality is she may have trapped you - as unconscionable as it sounds it's a possibility. But the whys no longer matter as you are both going to be parents whether you want to be or not.

 

You should cancel your trip/s and have a serious discussion with her to sort out your feelings and discuss mature options. If she stonewalls you during the discussion or starts to blame/attack you then you know she's likely being dishonest and trapped you (or she's just immature, you'll know it when you talk).

 

Also, it sounds like you want to be apart of the child's life so, if you do, start planning your family's future (e.g. saving money). The choices you make now will impact both your life and your baby's which is important to keep in mind when having discussions with your GF. Good luck!

[Raena]

If he truly wants no part in this baby's life, and gives up his parental rights, he will not have any legal obligations to the child.

 

Actually, it depends on the state you are for this I believe. In most cases, giving up parental rights does not keep the father from having to pay child support. It just means he can't make decisions about the child's upbringing or medical treatment.

[Raena]

Oops, sorry, I didn't see all the other posts basically saying the same thing I said.

 

OP, I think it is normal to be scared, worried, confused, even angry in your situation at this early point.

 

Being a father isn't as scary as you may think. It might turn out that you'll become a great dad and love your child more than anything. Give it some time.

[happydate]

Thanks very much for the replies. We both got checked out prior to going without condoms. It's almost certainly mine as the calculated conception date is bang in middle oa holiday together. I already had hoped that would let me off the hook! I've got a lot of thinking to do about whether I can fulfil my role as a father and stop pointing the finger of blame at her

 

As a man, my advise to you is to go with your girlfriend to the closest planned parenthood center and seek professional advise. What is the best for the baby and your expectation in regards to be part of the child's parent. I understand your frustration and anger. This stuff wasn't planned and you trusted her that she wouldn't get pregnant. But she did and even if she didn't miss the pills, they are only 98% effective. So in a way my friend, you must also accept some responsibility that even the best birth control is not fool proof. Again, when you both attend planned parenthood before you guys do it, they will tell you this! That's why being an adult and a real man means accepting your own responsibility. Even with wearning condoms can break or come off during rough sex too and it had happened to me with the thing stuck inside and see her leaking afterwards. Sometimes the morning after pill or Plan B is all I can do and hope. Unfortunately that you are now part of the 2% statistics, you just have to make the best of it and stop blaming her because it's your sperm that caused her to be preggo since you're sure of it. The best you can do is to ensure the little fellow is born to good environment and if you can not provide that, then you can not. Don't force yourself to be the baby's provider if you aren't able to eventhough you feel responsible.

 

As a man, I am well aware that my chances of getting women pregnant will always be high if I practise unsafe sex before marriage. That is why I choose my partners carefully and I am willing to accept responsibility caring for her and the baby if that time comes. If you are not willing to take this responsibility, keep on wearing the rubber. I also understand that when a woman loves you very much, she wants you to seed her with your juice and that is understable. Most of my partners want this, but as I said before, it's a huge responsibility raising a kid. The many sleepless nights with baby crying will just drive you bonkers. And then things you have to buy for the baby will easily drain your meagre pocket.

 

Take good care of yourself.

Edited November 1, 2013 by happydate

[BC1980]

Missing 3 pills? It makes me question if she meant to miss them. I hate to say that, but it just seems a little too much. The reality is that there are women out there who will trap a man with a pregnancy. Also, be aware that you must actually take these pills at the same time each day, or it decreases the effectiveness. So you really are putting a lot of trust in another person, but I'm sure you had no clue. Most guys wouldn't know that.

 

The really awful thing about this situation is that you could never prove it one way or the other. So you basically have to completely believe her on faith or get over that she may have done this on purpose. Those are both bad options, and I'm really sorry. I don't have much advice on which option to pick.

 

Best case scenario is that she is extremely careless and apparently thinks it's okay not to tell you she missed 3 pills.

[happydate]

Missing 3 pills? It makes me question if she meant to miss them. I hate to say that, but it just seems a little too much. The reality is that there are women out there who will trap a man with a pregnancy. Also, be aware that you must actually take these pills at the same time each day, or it decreases the effectiveness. So you really are putting a lot of trust in another person, but I'm sure you had no clue. Most guys wouldn't know that.

 

The really awful thing about this situation is that you could never prove it one way or the other. So you basically have to completely believe her on faith or get over that she may have done this on purpose. Those are both bad options, and I'm really sorry. I don't have much advice on which option to pick.

 

Best case scenario is that she is extremely careless and apparently thinks it's okay not to tell you she missed 3 pills.

 

Birth control pills aren't 100% effective. No form of contraception is anyhow, but if she is only concerned about having great unprotected sex and so did the OP, then they have to accept those risks. Let's not deny the fact that the feeling of unprotected is always better than with a condom, especially with those who had done it and done it many times. I don't deny the fact that I enjoyed it too. But here comes the problem. Both of them are a little naive in thinking that they can defy God's plan. When both are having unprotected sex, it's just a matter of chance that you're going to make babies. Sure, she must have planned it or there is a trap to this. It's only a trap because he wants to creampie in her. It's a trap because the feeling of creampie feels good. And the result became a baby and he's truly trapped being an unplanned father of the baby. To accuse a woman who takes ALL THE RISKS that she is extremely careless is uncalled for. Child birth is not a fun thing to do and so is abortion. A man does not have to do all this. That's why you have single mothers who are bitter on men; bitter because they got them pregnant and then disappear. Both of these adults (the girl and the OP) made a choice to have unprotected sex and they just became the statistics that birth control failed due to incorrect use. The best the OP can do is deal with this situation as a man and do what he thinks is right.

Edited November 1, 2013 by happydate

[Sugarkane]

I agree. I think most women would say childbirth scares the crap out of them. I know it scares the hell out of me, even with modern technology. Also pregnancy symptoms can be really severe, which no family members warned me about. It feels like a raw deal, when the father gets no embarrassing symptoms.

Birth control pills aren't 100% effective. No form of contraception is anyhow, but if she is only concerned about having great unprotected sex and so did the OP, then they have to accept those risks. Let's not deny the fact that the feeling of unprotected is always better than with a condom, especially with those who had done it and done it many times. I don't deny the fact that I enjoyed it too. But here comes the problem. Both of them are a little naive in thinking that they can defy God's plan. When both are having unprotected sex, it's just a matter of chance that you're going to make babies. Sure, she must have planned it or there is a trap to this. It's only a trap because he wants to creampie in her. It's a trap because the feeling of creampie feels good. And the result became a baby and he's truly trapped being an unplanned father of the baby. To accuse a woman who takes ALL THE RISKS that she is extremely careless is uncalled for. Child birth is not a fun thing to do and so is abortion. A man does not have to do all this. That's why you have single mothers who are bitter on men; bitter because they got them pregnant and then disappear. Both of these adults (the girl and the OP) made a choice to have unprotected sex and they just became the statistics that birth control failed due to incorrect use. The best the OP can do is deal with this situation as a man and do what he thinks is right.

[upanddownagain]

The contraception didn't fail it wasn't being used. Especially during ovulation. I wonder how a Woman would feel if a guy removed a condom before finishing inside, unknowingly and then falling pregnant.

[wonderingwoman]

I think the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. You trusted her to be responsible with her birth control and take the necessary precautions when needed. However, holding on to a grudge will do you, your girlfriend, or the baby no good. You have said your peace and shared your frustration, it is now time to prepare for a baby or decide to opt out of being involved in the child's life. In the mean time forgive and learn from both of your mistakes. No one in life if perfect and we all do things we regret. Who knows, one of the greatest joys could come out of this.