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I'm starting to think...

Anethen

By Anethen
in General Relationship Discussion

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Anethen Member

Anethen

Posted
Posted

What is the point of a relationship if so many just end up broken?

 

After getting my heart broken by a guy that I thought would never leave me is just torture. Over 2 months later and I'm still not completely over things. I think I have been scarred for life. It was so easy to fall in love with my ex, nothing was holding me back. Now, I don't think I will be able to look at guys the same again.

 

I've been going out and hanging out with old friends and making new ones, but it just isn't the same. He made me so happy and the thought of growing old with him was just the best feeling ever. Now, he's been with another girl for the past month and a half. I just don't get how he could leave me like that then date another girl 2 weeks later. He has always said I'm the best he has been with. I thought what we had would last a lifetime. He talked about the future more than I did.

 

And now, I'm starting to believe that relationships are a joke. They don't mean what they used to- people are getting married later now and the divorce rate is at an all time high.

 

People can literally flip the switch at any moment- you can't help how you feel. I'm just scared to be with anyone else. I don't want to get invested just to get heartbroken again. How can I ever get married knowing that people's feelings can change out of the blue?

 

Maybe I'm just a little down on love at the moment :(

Stealth3 Established Member

Stealth3

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Divorce rate is 50% or so....I think its western thing

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You are still grieving. When you start to heal, love will look less bleak.

 

Yes, the divorce rate is high but that's because people think marraige is disposable. They think if everything isn't perfect like the movies & TV, it's the other person's fault & they are entitled to be happy. A good relationship takes work.

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Anethen Member

Anethen

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A good relationship takes work.

 

Exactly. And I don't think too many people out there are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

 

My ex started second guessing the relationship for a whole 3 days and then decided that dumping me and being free to date other girls was going to fix the emptiness he felt inside.

 

I just don't get why he didn't talk to me about it and I just don't get how he could give up that easily after 2.5 years of a happy relationship.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
Posted

This has been on my mind a lot too. It makes one think that going into the next RS, there must be the understanding that it could end at any time. And no matter what they say, they could walk out at any moment. Waking up each day with the realization that it might be the last day you will be together. Sucks, but seems to be the reality of relationships today.

 

This doesn't mean I won't give 100% to the RS, or allow myself to fall in love again. Rather just the knowledge and understanding that it is extremely fragile and may crumble at any moment. I can only control myself and really have no idea what someone else is truly feeling or thinking. Bummer :sick:

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Anethen Member

Anethen

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This has been on my mind a lot too. It makes one think that going into the next RS, there must be the understanding that it could end at any time. And no matter what they say, they could walk out at any moment. Waking up each day with the realization that it might be the last day you will be together. Sucks, but seems to be the reality of relationships today.

 

This doesn't mean I won't give 100% to the RS, or allow myself to fall in love again. Rather just the knowledge and understanding that it is extremely fragile and may crumble at any moment. I can only control myself and really have no idea what someone else is truly feeling or thinking. Bummer :sick:

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. I don't regret being with my ex, I had a blast and he truly taught me what it is like to be head over heels in love, but there are things I would do differently. I think I let myself get too emotionally involved- I needed to be more independent. But, you live and you learn.

mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
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This is EXACTLY how I feel. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. I don't regret being with my ex, I had a blast and he truly taught me what it is like to be head over heels in love, but there are things I would do differently. I think I let myself get too emotionally involved- I needed to be more independent. But, you live and you learn.

 

Ha! Me too!! This was the first time in my 42 years that I have ever felt this way about another person. I was ill-equipped to deal with it correctly. And I didn't!! Made every mistake in the book. I was so attracted to this woman, I was oblivious to her red-flags and my own mistakes. Pretty much just butchered it. Well, the good news is, that I have learned a ton, and will hopefully not make the same mistakes again. Hopefully.

 

Sounds like you had some co-dependency issues as do I. The goal is 'inter-dependence'. There are some great books out there on understanding this. Read, read and read so more. Therapy is also been a huge help!!

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

Posted
Posted (edited)

That's because they are a joke. I bet you a million pounds your ex knew this girl he is dating before he broke up with you.

 

That's how it goes, people attract to someone new, who they think holds equal or more value than them. Then they use them as an emotional attachment and believe they are in love.

 

They either love them because they don't want them so they want what they can't have or they love them because they feel the other person loves them.

 

Nothing is as it seems. Reading all the stories here has made me get real and see relationships for what they are, a cure for loneliness until someone better comes along.

 

My ex put on a good show. Told me we would grow old together, that she loved me, she would die without me. She used to say if we broke up she would just live single.

 

Then she dumped me because I wasn't there for her, I no longer served a purpose. A month and a half later her twitter screams *someone **** me, I NEED ****. People are so full of ****.

Edited by MoooOinkBaaa
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Fufu Established Member

Fufu

Posted
Posted
What is the point of a relationship if so many just end up broken?

 

After getting my heart broken by a guy that I thought would never leave me is just torture. Over 2 months later and I'm still not completely over things. I think I have been scarred for life. It was so easy to fall in love with my ex, nothing was holding me back. Now, I don't think I will be able to look at guys the same again.

 

I've been going out and hanging out with old friends and making new ones, but it just isn't the same. He made me so happy and the thought of growing old with him was just the best feeling ever. Now, he's been with another girl for the past month and a half. I just don't get how he could leave me like that then date another girl 2 weeks later. He has always said I'm the best he has been with. I thought what we had would last a lifetime. He talked about the future more than I did.

 

 

And now, I'm starting to believe that relationships are a joke. They don't mean what they used to- people are getting married later now and the divorce rate is at an all time high.

 

People can literally flip the switch at any moment- you can't help how you feel. I'm just scared to be with anyone else. I don't want to get invested just to get heartbroken again. How can I ever get married knowing that people's feelings can change out of the blue?

 

Maybe I'm just a little down on love at the moment :(

 

 

 

Every relationships, there are risks involved. I personally don't believe in once you are with a person, that's it the relationship will be "happily ever after", there's no such thing in my opinion. It's all about working and building the relationship together during the ups and downs.

 

If you have not meet the guy that could stick around with you for real, it just means that you man has not arrive. Sometimes, it is only a matter of time. During my recovery period, I did have doubts about myself that I will never find love again or no one will be interested in me. I'm thankful that my mum will always there encouraging me and telling me why should I be over-worrying about my future? When someone new comes, you will know and when you feel right, you will be able to accept him. Don't rush to make things happen.

 

Single isn't a bad thing, I learned to love myself more when I was single for 3 years and I did so much more things as compared when I was attached. And now I'm attached, I realized the singlehood period wasn't that bad after all. And I learned to treasure my relationship with my new partner more.

 

Of coz my dear when your new love come and when you are ready, don't reject, accept him when you are ready. At this moment, just enjoy your life at its best :)

Haydn Established Member

Haydn

Posted
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Its pretty hard to get into another relationship. I am going past 3 months and its difficult for me to reconnect with ladies. Opportunites have been there but my ex still has me in a place where i dont want to be. Relationships seem to be never equal, someone is always a bit more in control that the other one. Dunno really dunno. The eternal quest goes....

girlwithabrokenheart Member

girlwithabrokenheart

Posted
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I understand what you mean, my situation is really similar to yours. The one person that I thought was always going to be there just decides that he needs to move on because something in the relationship was missing.

 

It's heartbreaking. I know that he loved me with everything and that he didn't mean for this to happen- it just did.

 

But, clearly you (and I) aren't ready to be with other guys. You need to be comfortable and happy being your own person and living your own life before you can let another person make you happy. You won't be able to open up to another person until you're completely over you ex, just don't rush things, let life take its course. At least this is what I keep telling myself.

 

I know it's hard, but letting go is the only thing that you can do. Let him live his life, it was his choice to end things and he has that right. Just as you have the right to control your life. He isn't sitting around sulking, he's going out and having as much fun as he can. I'm sure he wasn't happy about his feelings either, but he was doing what he thought was best for himself. And now you need to do what is best for you.

 

Once you learn to completely let go of him and learn how to be independent and love yourself, will you be able to think about another relationship.

 

Now, if only I can take my own advice...

Edited by girlwithabrokenheart
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
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Nothing is as it seems. Reading all the stories here has made me get real and see relationships for what they are, a cure for loneliness until someone better comes along.

 

Sad. But I have to agree. This is exactly how I would describe my last RS. She liked me well enough and for long enough. That is until something better presented itself. Or at least the possibility of something better. This really makes me sick!! :sick:

 

This is especially alarming when I am at a point in my life when I want to settle down. That seems like a bad position to be in.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Great relationships that last are rare but still a great thing to find. Just live your life and stay open to finding love but don't put things on hold for it.

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

Posted
Posted
Sad. But I have to agree. This is exactly how I would describe my last RS. She liked me well enough and for long enough. That is until something better presented itself. Or at least the possibility of something better. This really makes me sick!! :sick:

 

This is especially alarming when I am at a point in my life when I want to settle down. That seems like a bad position to be in.

 

It's easy to agree when the truth is on our side. You're right about the possibility. I found out through twitter my ex has a crush on a co-worker. She dumped me to get her single status to move forward with this guy. I hope she gets rejected.

sambo77 Established Member

sambo77

Posted
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You really do make an awesome point OP. It stings to read it...but I think there's a lot of wisdom in it.

 

I've ranted about my complete lack of faith in relationships before, on this and other forums...but what the hell, I'm gonna launch my scathing criticism of the world again...I do apologise in advance. Remember, I'm wounded ;-)

 

You know what I think...I think that, more and more, we are living in a society where we are learning that (a) ACQUIRING as much as we can for OURSELVES as INDIVIDUALS over the course of our lifetime should be our focus (you done good if you got the salary, pension, clothes, car, house, family, partner, stuff, and more stuff...you had a wasted life if you missed out on all of that), (b) these things should be acquired as QUICKLY and EASILY as possible, no questions asked, © experiencing ANY adversity (getting depressed, having problems or issues that need to be overcome) is INTOLERABLE and should be escaped ASAP (take a pill or do anything to fix depression, if a relationship has issues...then get the heck out of there...it can't be right), and (d) that one of the new things we should seek to ACQUIRE is a constantly happy, blemish free mental state (blissful happiness, which is simply synonymous with "pleasure" these days, until death).

 

All of the above (which I view as unwritten "values" in the world we occupy today) help to ensure that some of the core values necessary for LTRs to work (a commitment to overcoming difficulties, accepting flaws, willingness to roll your sleeves up and nourish and sustain love etc) are slowly ebbing away from us.

 

For one thing, in a society that is OBSESSED with individual gain, material and non-material acquisition, and each person getting as close to an idealised image of perfection (the perfect life, happy, happy, happy, car, partner, house, kids, pension, travelled between high school and university in Kenya etc etc) as possible...is it any wonder that empathy for other people is slowly seeping away? It's hardly an ethos that encourages us to empathise with others, it encourages us to crap on them in order to get what we want (even if that's only implicitly).

 

For another, in a society where nobody can tolerate mental discomfort, obstacles, difficulty (because these things mean we haven't got that perfect, blemish free, happy, happy happy life...right?)...is it any wonder people are so ready to abandon relationships, relationship growth, and personal growth in order to get a quick fix of something that feels more "acceptable" again (being "in love").

 

This is my sociological analysis of it...and if it keeps going like this, "relationships" as we once thought of them, will be a thing of the past. We are witnessing the death of relationships as we once knew them...and this site will one day be an awesome historical artefact that can help document that.

 

Sure, I may sound bitter...that's because I am right now ;-) But come back in 300 years and see if I'm not wrong...

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Posted

So true^^^ Maybe I should just drive my car off a cliff on the way home tonite :laugh: Kidding. But yeah, it sucks and seems like there are two types of people emerging from the above scenario. Predators and prey... My friends, I am the gazelle :p

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MoooOinkBaaa Established Member

MoooOinkBaaa

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Haha I don't even care about all that social crap, I'm a minimalist. Some people get wet and some people feel the rain.

 

So if people are like that then what about us lot on here? I know I'm not like that so we can't all be. It's pretty shocking.

 

gazelle? haha screw that i'm a rhino! neither prey nor predator.

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I am neither predator nor prey. I am an animal happy to go about life never bothering anybody but if somebody tries to make me prey I will bit their head off and smear the blood all over the place. Don't try to make me prey and we should get along just fine.

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Anethen Member

Anethen

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Sure, I may sound bitter...that's because I am right now ;-) But come back in 300 years and see if I'm not wrong...

 

I agree with what you are saying. I don't think you sound bitter, you're just telling it like it is :)

 

But, after a little bit of thinking, I think my problem with relationships right now isn't with relationships in general I think the problem is my ex. As much as I don't want to admit it, he wasn't completely ready for a serious commitment yet. We talked about getting engaged this year and I think it secretly scared him.

 

Clearly, he has no idea what he wants in life, especially romantically. He has a lot of growing up to do. Instead of facing his "doubts" and "feelings" he'd rather push them aside for a while and then just bail on them altogether.

 

I still love him with everything. I just wish I could make him see the person that he could be. He puts on this front sometimes, but I know who he really is and all of the good inside him. I know the type of love that he is capable of, but college brings out the immaturity and the selfishness in him.

 

I believe he started dating another girl soon after so it could help him move on. If he had been single this whole time I'm sure he would have came back to me. I don't think he knows how to entirely function completely by himself. He would get too bored.

Edited by Anethen
hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

Posted
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OP, maybe your bf is a commitmentphobe. My story was very similar. Either way he sounds like a really big a-hole. Commitmentphobes never intended for things to get serious although they talk like they do. These people leave when relationships are going well whereas other people leave when something is going wrong.

 

I understand what you are saying which is why I'm not dating at the moment.

 

What's the point of trying when they mostly fail? You can't control the outcome no matter how hard or nice you are. You are in a very vulnerable situation, especially if you are the one who cares more.

 

However, most people get married at least once no matter if they had sworn of dating/marriage at some point.

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Anethen Member

Anethen

Posted
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OP, maybe your bf is a commitmentphobe. My story was very similar. Either way he sounds like a really big a-hole. Commitmentphobes never intended for things to get serious although they talk like they do. These people leave when relationships are going well whereas other people leave when something is going wrong.

 

What's the point of trying when they mostly fail? You can't control the outcome no matter how hard or nice you are. You are in a very vulnerable situation, especially if you are the one who cares more.

.

 

He isn't a commitmentphobe, because early on in our relationship we talked about what we wanted. We both agreed that we were in it for the long haul. He always talked about our future just as much if not more than I did. He just got scared once our senior year of college got here.

 

I was always so nice to him and did everything to make him happy, but it didn't matter. He was sort of a man-slut before we started dating, so I think he just wanted to be single again and try to new things really. It sucks because I know how much he loved and cared about me.

hotpotato Established Member

hotpotato

Posted
Posted
He isn't a commitmentphobe, because early on in our relationship we talked about what we wanted. We both agreed that we were in it for the long haul. He always talked about our future just as much if not more than I did. He just got scared once our senior year of college got here.

 

I was always so nice to him and did everything to make him happy, but it didn't matter. He was sort of a man-slut before we started dating, so I think he just wanted to be single again and try to new things really. It sucks because I know how much he loved and cared about me.

 

That's what some of them do. They talk a good game, but dont deliver. When things start to get real, they bail.

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