Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 In my real life I am a strong decisive woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I don't put up with any BS at work or at home. I am mostly an introvert but speak my mind when required with siblings, husband, children, parents and friends. But when it comes to my relationship with the MM..I am weak, afraid, insecure, and willing to accept whatever attention he is willing to give me. The sad part is he has never given me what I want or need. He is my childhood sweetheart who has been in my life in one way or another forever. He is like a bad habit or addiction that I can't beat. It makes me sick to see myself like this but don't know how to end this. Any time I have tried it doesn't last every long on my side. But he can ignore me for months without breaking a sweat and I am always there waiting for him. I don't know how to get out and become immune to him.
cozycottagelg Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Do you have children? A daughter? Picture her in your situation, how you would you want her to handle herself? It sucks to feel so vulnerable. Maybe try to look at it in a different way and see if that changes anything. 2
skywriter Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 In my real life I am a strong decisive woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I don't put up with any BS at work or at home. I am mostly an introvert but speak my mind when required with siblings, husband, children, parents and friends. But when it comes to my relationship with the MM..I am weak, afraid, insecure, and willing to accept whatever attention he is willing to give me. The sad part is he has never given me what I want or need. He is my childhood sweetheart who has been in my life in one way or another forever. He is like a bad habit or addiction that I can't beat. It makes me sick to see myself like this but don't know how to end this. Any time I have tried it doesn't last every long on my side. But he can ignore me for months without breaking a sweat and I am always there waiting for him. I don't know how to get out and become immune to him. There aren't any rules of thumb as to "how" to end an A or "how to get out". I would say, based on my ending the nearly 6 year A I was in, that you have to make up your mind , be determined to follow through once you set the end in motion. It's evident in what you wrote, that he may feel, you won't follow through, so he's safe setting the terms based on his own, needs. I say, if you want something better, you'll need to rid yourself of the A baggage, making room in your heart for a healthier more permanent relationship. I say this from my own experience, it worked for me. Good luck to you and understand, nothing good, comes easy. 1
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I do have children ...boys But I know what you r saying. If a friend came to me with this situation I know what I would tell her.. I would say r u effing stupid...get out...work on your relationships. This is not healthy. You will never get what u want from him. But I seem to be without any sense when it comes to HIM and this situation. I give myself lectures and advice in my journal but as soon as he calls me everything seems to be forgotten. 1
cozycottagelg Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I know what you mean. I'm not in your situation, but am in a very unhappy marriage that I can't seem to get the courage to leave. If my friend said she was in this situation, I'd tell her to just leave, just do it, step by step...but it doesn't help me as I can't seem to actually take my own advice. Good luck <3
Got it Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 In my real life I am a strong decisive woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I don't put up with any BS at work or at home. I am mostly an introvert but speak my mind when required with siblings, husband, children, parents and friends. But when it comes to my relationship with the MM..I am weak, afraid, insecure, and willing to accept whatever attention he is willing to give me. The sad part is he has never given me what I want or need. He is my childhood sweetheart who has been in my life in one way or another forever. He is like a bad habit or addiction that I can't beat. It makes me sick to see myself like this but don't know how to end this. Any time I have tried it doesn't last every long on my side. But he can ignore me for months without breaking a sweat and I am always there waiting for him. I don't know how to get out and become immune to him. Why do you think this is? What are you afraid of? Why are you always waiting? Do you think you are being your own best advocate? What is stopping you from standing up for yourself and your best interest? Why are you afraid to let the relationship end? What is keeping you holding on?
skywriter Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 It's extremely difficult to end an A, Sky23, but I'm proof that it isn't impossible. So don't consider yourself weak. You can and most likely will in time. Speaking of which, time is the key here, and you need to allow yourself time by ending or at least gradually decreasing the time that you give your AP. In doing so, you allow yourself , to realise the truths of what the A is or isn't to you. For ex; it isn't going to have a future, It isn't healthy for me emotionally, etc... It is of an addictive nature.it is filling a need.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Why do you think this is? What are you afraid of? Why are you always waiting? Do you think you are being your own best advocate? What is stopping you from standing up for yourself and your best interest? Why are you afraid to let the relationship end? What is keeping you holding on? @got it Those r some really tough questions. I don't know the answers to them. if I had to take a stab at it...I guess the reason I am afraid to end things is that he is my first love and no one can and has make me feel how he makes me feel. At some level there is something unfinished in this relationship and maybe I am waiting to finish that. If I end things I will never feel that again. I don't know...that is why it is all so sad.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 It's extremely difficult to end an A, Sky23, but I'm proof that it isn't impossible. So don't consider yourself weak. You can and most likely will in time. Speaking of which, time is the key here, and you need to allow yourself time by ending or at least gradually decreasing the time that you give your AP. In doing so, you allow yourself , to realise the truths of what the A is or isn't to you. For ex; it isn't going to have a future, It isn't healthy for me emotionally, etc... It is of an addictive nature.it is filling a need. Thanks Skywriter. Fear is my biggest issue. I hardly get any of his time and if I end things then I don't even get what do get now. Even writing and thinking about ending things is making me really sad.
skywriter Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Sky23, is there anyone, that you confide in about your situation, that can help keep you focused and strong, should you decide to end the A? Besides us here at LS. Just wondering, because, I do have one girlfriend that I turned to on occasion, and she was very supportive.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 @skywriter I do have a really good girlfriend who knows of this but she only knows that he is in my life. She doesn't know the extent of my feelings and how deep I am in it. I have never admitted to depth of this to anyone including HIM. The anonymity of LS allowed me to share my experience. But that too after a long time of being a silent member. I am a very private person. I probably need therapy.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 This your life. If you want to spend the rest of your life pining over a past flame who isn't yours, who is currently married then go for it, ruin your present and future by hanging onto him, your drug, your habit, your obsession.. It'll be a lonely life and you'll hurt forever. OR, you can get fed up and say enough is enough, I deserve better, I WILL find someone who will love and adore me, make me feel special, needed and wanted! Find a good therapist that you connect with and can trust, she/he will help you get over your fear, get over this addiction you have for your MM. 2
Patrice Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 What is your relationship like with your Dad?
skywriter Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 This your life. If you want to spend the rest of your life pining over a past flame who isn't yours, who is currently married then go for it, ruin your present and future by hanging onto him, your drug, your habit, your obsession.. It'll be a lonely life and you'll hurt forever. OR, you can get fed up and say enough is enough, I deserve better, I WILL find someone who will love and adore me, make me feel special, needed and wanted! Find a good therapist that you connect with and can trust, she/he will help you get over your fear, get over this addiction you have for your MM. This is true Sky23, something has to trigger a turning point in you. Everyone of has a point where we say, "enough of this". Yours may be closer than you realise, and here you are,on LS, trying to understand how to end it. It was scarey for myself, but, in all honesty, little did I know that ending the A would be the beginning of a much better life for me.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 This your life. If you want to spend the rest of your life pining over a past flame who isn't yours, who is currently married then go for it, ruin your present and future by hanging onto him, your drug, your habit, your obsession.. It'll be a lonely life and you'll hurt forever. OR, you can get fed up and say enough is enough, I deserve better, I WILL find someone who will love and adore me, make me feel special, needed and wanted! Find a good therapist that you connect with and can trust, she/he will help you get over your fear, get over this addiction you have for your MM. Nothing like slapping a girl and telling her how it is! Lol. You're right I need therapy.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 What is your relationship like with your Dad? uhmm don't know if I am ready to go there. But I will help you out...passive aggressive..with abandonment issues at a young age.
Author Sky23 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 This is true Sky23, something has to trigger a turning point in you. Everyone of has a point where we say, "enough of this". Yours may be closer than you realise, and here you are,on LS, trying to understand how to end it. It was scarey for myself, but, in all honesty, little did I know that ending the A would be the beginning of a much better life for me. You're right...there is a reason I am here. I know I need to do this but am really trying to gather the strength to end things. Being in this not good for anyone. Thanks for the support. I may be back for more once I am do what I need to do.
BeingMe Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 uhmm don't know if I am ready to go there. But I will help you out...passive aggressive..with abandonment issues at a young age. There may be something in that? If you have abandonment issues and default to passive aggression you could find it very hard to face what you're doing and may just want to appease him to keep him? Whilst underneath, resenting how you are with him? Just a thought.
Got it Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Why do you think this is? What are you afraid of? Why are you always waiting? Do you think you are being your own best advocate? What is stopping you from standing up for yourself and your best interest? Why are you afraid to let the relationship end? What is keeping you holding on? @got it Those r some really tough questions. I don't know the answers to them. if I had to take a stab at it...I guess the reason I am afraid to end things is that he is my first love and no one can and has make me feel how he makes me feel. At some level there is something unfinished in this relationship and maybe I am waiting to finish that. If I end things I will never feel that again. I don't know...that is why it is all so sad. Sky, these are important questions that you need to really deep dive. This is why you are stuck and how you can work towards being happy. How do you know no on e can make you feel how he has? Do you think that no on every in the future would? How does he make you feel, big picture, looking at the good and the bad, what is the total compilation? Not all relationships have a "finish". Unfortunately sometimes we don't get it wrapped up in a nice bow to walk away from. Sometimes we need to say, you know the bad is outweighing the good too much for this to be a healthy and happy partnership for me. So without assessing blame, without it being anyone's fault, I have to just end things. We can't always get resolution FROM someone else. We get resolution because we give it to ourselves. We say, this doesn't work for me, I don't have to deep dive every little why, big picture it just doesn't and so to do what is best for me, I am ending things. What can you do to focus on your life to try and bring yourself happiness?
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Nothing like slapping a girl and telling her how it is! Lol. You're right I need therapy. Didn't mean for my reply to read bluntly if you took it that way. I just believe you deserve much more than what you have now. Life is short and wasting time on someone you can't have all for yourself is setting yourself for a big fall and a certain amount of pain for a long time. Wish you the best.
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