cocorico Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 What proportion of your friends are same sex, vs opposite sex? Is this ratio the same for really close friends? If you are in a R, is your lover comfortable with the balance of same vs opposite sex friends, or does s/he feel threatened by your having close friends of the same sex as her/himself? Are you comfortable with balance of same vs opposite sex friends your lover has? Do you feel threatened by them having close friends of the same sex as yourself? When you socialise with friends of either sex, do you always include your lover? Does your lover always include you when socialising with same or opposite sex friends? Would your lover feel threatened if not included? Would you? Do you believe in a loyalty to your own sex ahead of the other sex ("bros before hos" or "sistahood") or do you work on a case by case basis?
underwater2010 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 What proportion of your friends are same sex, vs opposite sex? Actual friends and not acquaintances makes a big difference. If we say friends 80% female 20% male. If we are talking acquaintances 50/50. Is this ratio the same for really close friends? Nope for really close friends its 90% female 10% male. If you are in a R, is your lover comfortable with the balance of same vs opposite sex friends, or does s/he feel threatened by your having close friends of the same sex as her/himself? My husband is comfortable because I have never given him reason not to be. Add to that, anytime he has expressed being uncomfortable, I chose him over the friendship. Are you comfortable with balance of same vs opposite sex friends your lover has? Yes. We are living close to his hometown, therefore there are a ton of high school friends in this area. I did not meet him until after college. Do you feel threatened by them having close friends of the same sex as yourself? Only the ones that step over the line. Oh and the ex that got away will never be in the picture again. When you socialise with friends of either sex, do you always include your lover? He is always welcome to come along. I have nothing to hide. But being that we are married with kids of varying ages....it is not often that life does not revolve around work, sports and home. Does your lover always include you when socialising with same or opposite sex friends? Same as above. I am always invited and attend if I can (work permitting). Would your lover feel threatened if not included? It is just common courtesy, that is unless it is a girls night out. Would you? It is just common courtesy, that is unless it is a guys night out. Do you believe in a loyalty to your own sex ahead of the other sex ("bros before hos" or "sistahood") or do you work on a case by case basis? I don't believe in the "code". I believe that we are there for our friends if they need us, but we DO NOT put them before our marriage/partnership. I also believe we do unto others as we wish them to do unto us. In other words, you don't screw your friend's husband or any married man. And visa versa. And I truly believe that people that live their life by the "code" tend to be selfish and immature. Hope that helps.
Shepp Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 (edited) What proportion of your friends are same sex, vs opposite sex? hmm, most are guys I guess. I have a lot of guy friends from sport teams and work so all together probably 80% guys Is this ratio the same for really close friends? no, I grew/still live in a tiny village so the people who were close in age to me became my close close friends - the type you spend every day with and that group is more mixed (probably more 55% guys). If you are in a R, is your lover comfortable with the balance of same vs opposite sex friends, or does s/he feel threatened by your having close friends of the same sex as her/himself? Yeah. My girlfriends not jealous - she trusts me. Are you comfortable with balance of same vs opposite sex friends your lover has? Do you feel threatened by them having close friends of the same sex as yourself? I don't feel threatened, no. My gf has mostly, practically all, guy friends (which seems to be a problem for a lot of guys) but doesn't bother me. I guess it comes down to again she mixes in the same social groups as me so most of her friends are my friends too, bar the ones from her uni. But anyway, doesn't bother me her having guy friends - I trust her, I knew that about her when we got together, I want to be with a girl I can do stuff I enjoy with and my hobbies are quite guy-ie so I like shes good with the guys. When you socialise with friends of either sex, do you always include your lover? No. I do quite a lot just with my friends. My girlfriend..she can be the life and soul of the party but she also likes time to be completely the other way and just chill out. I'm on more of an even keel. I'll play sport, go fishing/mountain biking/paintballing, for a drink after work, with mates without her - we're not like...joined at the hip. Does your lover always include you when socialising with same or opposite sex friends? Mostly, not always, but a lot of the time.....see I grew up where we live, she moved here at 15 so most of her better friends are my friends too, so when shes seeing them obviously I go. Would your lover feel threatened if not included? Would you? Not at all, its not like she couldn't come with me if she wanted, or visa versa, and we trust each other. Do you believe in a loyalty to your own sex ahead of the other sex ("bros before hos" or "sistahood") or do you work on a case by case basis errr.....case by case I guess but I believe in loyalty to your existing friends - im not a fan of lads ditching there brothers when they have a girl and coming back when they don't - poor show! Answer your questions? Edited November 1, 2013 by Shepp
Owl Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 What proportion of your friends are same sex, vs opposite sex? Is this ratio the same for really close friends? I have many acquaintences that are opposite sex. A very few might be considered friends. None that I consider close friends. If you are in a R, is your lover comfortable with the balance of same vs opposite sex friends, or does s/he feel threatened by your having close friends of the same sex as her/himself? My wife is comfortable with this...I'm an easy person to get along with, but not an easy person to get close to. I have very strong personal boundaries, few close friends of any sex. So there's no concern on her part or mine on this. Are you comfortable with balance of same vs opposite sex friends your lover has? Do you feel threatened by them having close friends of the same sex as yourself? At one point, when my wife had poor/nonexistant boundaries and didn't understand why she needed them...no, I wasn't comfortable. Ironically enough, since her EA, I've become more comfortable with the few OS friends she has...because her boundaries are MUCH better than they were. When you socialise with friends of either sex, do you always include your lover? Does your lover always include you when socialising with same or opposite sex friends? Would your lover feel threatened if not included? Would you? My wife and I don't share all the same hobbies or interests. For example, I often go skating with my (adult) sons, which my wife has no interest in. She stays home and enoys a quiet house while we're out. She has no concerns because of my boundaries. My sons laugh...apparently I've been approached by several women while we're out...never occurred to me that they were flirting. I didn't even notice. My wife knows she's always welcome to come out and watch and laugh at me any time. If she felt she wasn't allowed...she'd probably feel uncomfortable. But that's just not the case. Do you believe in a loyalty to your own sex ahead of the other sex ("bros before hos" or "sistahood") or do you work on a case by case basis? I feel loyalty to my wife above anyone else. Beyond that, loyalty to my family, and then to my friends. Gender is irrelevent, with the exception that most (all?) of the people I consider friends are the same sex. Responses above in bold.
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I never broke the percentages down but I have a mixed group of friends. My best friends are probably the same gender but I have a few good guy friends. Most of my guy friends had been in my life for years before I met my husband. They sort of came with the package. DH is fine with it. Normally I'm OK with DH having women as friends. There was one who made me a bit nutty. Actually she was OK; his behavior toward her upset me. He thought he was just being a good guy (& he didn't have bad intentions he just didn't know any better). I pitched a fit & was admittedly a shrew about the whole the thing but when he told other people about the incident everybody took my side, even his own family. We're better & he's actually still friends with the woman.
Author cocorico Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 I'm just curious about this, as there seem to be many - all strongly held - views on this. Some feel that having few (or fewer) same sex friends is a sign of a personality flaw, others feel that having friends of predominantly one sex (whether your own or the other) is a problem. Others are concerned only if opposite friends are "straight" (if you are) and for others it's all a non-issue and it being an issue is a sign of insecurity. Others view that view as naive and inviting trouble. Some feel that women should honour a sense of sisterhood toward other women - whether or not they have ever met them - even if they don't personally like them (and, mutatis mutandis for guys) while other people feel that people should not be prejudged on their gender, but on who they are as people. Some think your let should always be prioritised over your friends - and, if obliged to choose, you should dump the friend/s - while others hold that friendships are more important and more likely to have your best interest at heart. My own views are that my friendship circle has shifted around with my changing work context - I used to have many more male friends than female, now it's probably equal since I work in an environment with more women and have developed some close friendships from that context. The proportion is probably the same for really close friends. If it matters, I'd guess that probably about a quarter were gay, and probably equally split male-female. My h isn't threatened by even my really close male friendships - most of whom have become his friends too. The same applies to my views on his female friendships. I don't take the "sisterhood" line, as I judge people as individuals rather than by their sex or gender. I would certainly never like Margaret Thatcher more than Ban Ki-Moon, just because she was a woman, as an extreme example.
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