2fargone Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Long story short: I lived with my ex for about 1.5 years, with gaps of 4-5 weeks here and there where she had to return to her home country for uni. It all felt good, although she was a bit insecure. But there was love, lots of it. Last time she came back she became different after a few days. Distant... I asked her what was wrong every week, she said nothing. Right before she had to go back she started talking, emotions got the best of us and nothing was resolved. Yet she had to go back. While in her home country I felt the need to talk about things (usually I just let everything slide). She blamed me, I took the blame. So eventually we broke up. But she remained certain that she loved me, just 'couldn't be in a relationship with me right now'. I did the begging, pleading. I started to look at situations and solutions, emailing her. And we were still talking. Now I found out that she has someone else. I'm fairly certain this is something that started shortly after we broke up, or shortly before. Not going on while we were together here at least. I kinda blew up. Not because she has someone else, but because she was lying, or at least conceiling it from me. Well, what it comes down to for me is that we both played out our biggest fears. She felt unwanted and hurt, became distant. She has felt this in her previous relationships too. When she became distant I feared losing her, my emotions got in the way, I started to push and I lost her.... I think the love is still there, for the both of us. We still said so last week. Regardless of her having a new guy, he's her way of 'coping' I think. But... what bothers me is that when I found out I told her not to contact me again, ever. With her being insecure and afraid to get hurt this might result in just that, her not contacting me ever. What I rather see happen is an indefinite period of NC, but with her not to reluctant to surface if and when she possibly thought things through. All of it. In months, if needed. So... How can I reverse the 'don't ever contact me again' into a 'we are done but we'll see where things go if and whenever' ?
faithfully Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I dont know if you can reverse it i think when somebody say that "dont contact me ever again" it should be left at that coz at the time when you said it you were angry and meant it. You cant go back on your words or if you do will make you seem week. Thats what i told my ex and i deeply regret saying that and we have not spoken since and i am trying not to go back on it. You have to be firm and hard on yourself to heal especially since she has a new guy otherwise you will be hurt and prolong you from healing. We are all suffering even i, all we can do as dumpees is support each other through this forum. Hope this has helped
Author 2fargone Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I read up on your story, funny how it has many similarities. Well, I do have all her stuff still here. It's alot, books she values and whatnot. There's like 3000km between us so it's not a matter of picking it up and be done. Last week we both said we were not ready to deal with that yet. And right now I don't even feel like it. But it is something we need to talk about eventually. So 'don't contact me ever again' can't even really happen. I guess I just feel bad about getting upset again, then again it's the dynamic that keeps happening lately. I'm still more worried about the (last) impression she has of me than what happened alltogether
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 It's always another person when a relationship ends I've noticed. It might be someone they meet before they break-up or it might be someone they have their eye on but it's always someone else. Then they fob you off with excuses, if they really loved you they would show it. 1
Zoe Lilith Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 It's always another person when a relationship ends I've noticed. It might be someone they meet before they break-up or it might be someone they have their eye on but it's always someone else. Then they fob you off with excuses, if they really loved you they would show it. What if they want you back after they dummped you? Insecurity? No physical or spiritual/emotional connection with the other person..or is it simply the guilt they feel?
Author 2fargone Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 What if they want you back after they dummped you? Insecurity? No physical or spiritual/emotional connection with the other person..or is it simply the guilt they feel? Well, that should be different for each person. But in my case, she is insecure. So I can see her both getting together with this new guy for just wanting to feel affection and worthy, aswell as not attempting to get back in touch with me whenever because I said don't do it.... Having someone else is very out of character for her. She was always single for a great while after previous relationships. She won't come back out of guilt. She can't handle the feeling. 1
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 My ex is insecure as hell. It's only been a month and a half and her whole twitter basically reads *I NEED **** NOW* she told me she needs to find herself, she's grown and matured. BS. I'm the one finding MY self through this mess. I hate her so much right now for using me as an emotional attachment. just wanting to feel affection and worthy She's weak, needy and insecure. The reasons she stayed with me for seven years until she had the courage to try someone new. 1
xUnknown Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 My ex is insecure as hell. It's only been a month and a half and her whole twitter basically reads *I NEED **** NOW* she told me she needs to find herself, she's grown and matured. BS. I'm the one finding MY self through this mess. I hate her so much right now for using me as an emotional attachment. She's weak, needy and insecure. The reasons she stayed with me for seven years until she had the courage to try someone new. Mine is the exact same way. Therapist and I have discussed so many things that I should have seen with her being needy and insecure. A negative individual, always saying 'I can't", not willing to work out to make up for the weight she's put on the past 2 years we were together, ultimately - accepting me and my past to make her feel empowered and better about myself. She was very needy..I'd meet her needs then she'd have another. They would stack up and get more difficult. She finally sacked up and ended it with me while I was at my worst. She's needy also in the sense that she NEEDS someone to be there for her. She moved away, saw it as ME abandoning her. I am on house arrest (1/4 way in - yay! lol), but because I couldn't be there for her 3 hours away, she got rid of me instead of sticking with it and pushing through the tough times as a couple should.
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Mine is the exact same way. Therapist and I have discussed so many things that I should have seen with her being needy and insecure. A negative individual, always saying 'I can't", not willing to work out to make up for the weight she's put on the past 2 years we were together, ultimately - accepting me and my past to make her feel empowered and better about myself. She was very needy..I'd meet her needs then she'd have another. They would stack up and get more difficult. She finally sacked up and ended it with me while I was at my worst. She's needy also in the sense that she NEEDS someone to be there for her. She moved away, saw it as ME abandoning her. I am on house arrest (1/4 way in - yay! lol), but because I couldn't be there for her 3 hours away, she got rid of me instead of sticking with it and pushing through the tough times as a couple should. Yeah now I know why insecurity is a turn off, I used to find it cute. My ex needs someone too, I totally blamed myself when she dumped me but she only used the fight we had as an excuse. Less than two months later she's all over Twitter about a crush she has on someone at work. How she needs to get laid. How she's over me already and laughing. Dude as soon as you no longer serve a purpose you're gone out their life. The word love is like confetti to these people, they throw it around in the air for fun. 1
Author 2fargone Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Well, I think I have figured out that it doesn't really matter how our last contact was. We only had small problems as far as I'm concerned. She made them big and made a choice. It has consequences. Afterwards we talked a bit about it. It could have been solved easily. Yet she has someone else. By choice. End of story.
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