melissag Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I have been off the boards for a few days and wanted to post an update and hopefully get some feedback/encouragement. After everyone telling me that I need to forget H, get over it, burn his clothes on the front lawn, etc., I decided that I couldn't do that. We have been friends for 17 years, together for 13, married for 11. He's my one, and I can't dishonor all that (and our children) by just giving up. Honestly, I kind of feel like this is the "for worse" part of the wedding vows. So I read the book Divorce Remedy. It made sense. It gave me hope. So I have implemented the 180s (as in the book, which are semi the same as on here), been GALing, and just doing my best to work on me and be the best me I can. H has noticed. He has gone from: "I don't love you, I want a divorce, nothing is going to change my mind, I want this to be over as quickly as possible," to "I appreciate you being so nice about this, and I feel like s.h.i.t. about what i am doing to you and the kids, but I just think everyone will be happier this way. I need space to figure myself out," to "I still love you, I just think that we need to start all over as friends and then see where that goes," to "I really appreciate all the effort that you have put into making positive changes the past few weeks. It makes me remember why I married you. I'm not sure how that relates to us . . .but I enjoy spending time with you and want to continue and build a great relationship with you." to "I am feeling really conflicted. I see how you have changed but I can't reconcile that with how things were before, and I don't trust that it will continue. I need to move out so I have space to figure out whether we can fix this." So - I feel that is significant progress! Now, during all this time, he has always said he is going to move out. There is no progress on that front. He has already signed a lease (which begins tomorrow) and he plans to move out in a week. (He has postponed it a few times for practical reasons having to do with movers, etc.) We have spent the night together and been intimate (always initiated by him) several times, but never more than one night in a row - after a great night he goes back to the couch the next night. It is hard. He talks about how he wants to have me over to his apartment for dinner. How I should invite him over for dinner. He researched and picked out a basketball hoop for the front of our house for our son. He said that he doesn't plan to date, since this is about figuring things out himself. We have fun together. He hangs out with me after the kids have gone to bed. We are playful and funny together. Tonight he called me honey. It could have been a slip, but I am not entirely convinced - he has done a really good job of not slipping up on anything like that in the past 5 weeks. Not to say it was some sort of message, but maybe a sign that he feels comfortable with me like it used to be and it just came naturally to say it. The whole thing is pretty confusing, but I guess it is better than having the certainty he was giving me five weeks ago. So, that's where we are. Having fun together (sometimes just us, sometimes the whole family), me working on me, him not working on anything too deep as far as I can tell. He did say a few things that made me think he has been thinking, but I don't think that he has taken a good hard look at himself or his role in the demise of the marriage. He is still pretty blind to anything other than the hurt I caused him and how miserable he was. I guess I am just praying that he starts to do that work and gains some clarity when he does have his space. It's really all I can do at this point. I think next week is going to suck. I am not prepared for it. Can one ever be prepared to have her H move out of their home? Telling the kids is the other big hurdle. That's going to be horrible. I wish there was some way to figure this out without involving them, but it's just not in the cards. Please wish me luck. I need it.
UpwardForward Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I don't remember 'everyone' telling you to burn his clothes, etc. Certainly not on here. But hopefully you are enhancing you life in other ways, projects, etc. If you feel your turn around is bringing him back to more hopeful, then good. He seems determined to just be 'friends' (with benefits) for now, but hopefully you can bring him back to the Marriage. 1
Author melissag Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I don't remember 'everyone' telling you to burn his clothes, etc. Certainly not on here. But hopefully you are enhancing you life in other ways, projects, etc. If you feel your turn around is bringing him back to more hopeful, then good. He seems determined to just be 'friends' (with benefits) for now, but hopefully you can bring him back to the Marriage. You're right, UF, not everyone on here (or IRL) has said that. (Sorry if I offended, I didn't mean to.) What I meant was, not one person said "you should try to save your marriage." I know that everyone has good intentions . . . they want me to hurry up and be happy again. But just watching my H go and doing nothing about it wasn't going to make me happier. Yes, I am trying to get together with my girlfriends more, signed up for a photography class I have been wanting to take, continuing my martial arts and exercise classes, continuing IC. I have lots to keep me busy. It helps a little (better than wallowing in misery at home), but every day still hurts. A lot. Just doing the best I can to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
nbman Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 It is incredibly hard to give up in this situation. IMO, you have to do any and everything you can to get through this the best way you know how. Take everyone's advise, but also listen to your inner voice. My mom has been telling me lately "God never gives you more than you can handle." I have started to believe to me this means that you each decision you make is the decision that you are supposed to learn from. Some will be good lessons, others will be hard lessons, but every lesson, good or bad is something that forces change and growth. Change is the only Constant!! Embrace the good with the bad, and like you said, keep swimming....
Misadventure Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Melissa, I can tell you have such a big heart and are loving and soooo forgiving..right now you are the cake with frosting whom is his back up plan, not his priority plan. If things don't work out in his single life, he knows he can have you at any time. He is conflicted because some feelings are still there but they are not strong enough to overpower his feelings to be a free man and single. He most likely will keep you dangling, some dinners now and then and sex...but will you ok being this back up while he explores his single life and explores the possibility of a new path with a new woman? Just please keep your eyes open and wits about you. I know you don't want to give up. For weeks I didn't as well. Sometimes that person gives up and heads out so far that you have no choice... please guard your hopes is all I am saying. 2
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