Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I'm in quite the mood tonight -.- Over the past month I went out of my comfort zone a number of times and cold approached or tried to flirt with men. Didn't go so well, sadly. The good thing? Despite the sting of rejection and feeling embarrassed and crappy for the rest of the night, I would move on from that quickly by the next day. I am starting to feel like rejection stings less and less now. Did I learn anything? Not sure. But perhaps I am growing bolder. The bad thing? There's one guy in particular I decided to sorta set my sights on and pursue. A friend who I know is single, we've always gotten along really well. I had a slight bit of interest towards him about a year ago, but we talked less over a few months, but recently started talking more again. Over the past week or so I've been trying with him.... Rather than go into details, lets just say that I am pretty sure I'm getting friendzoned HARD. My blatant attempts at flirting are getting shut down. I am thinking it's time to stop. Give up on pursuing him, and maybe just put all desires to date on the backburner for a while. I'm getting nowhere. I'm pretty depressed sitting home alone on Halloween night. If I put myself into a mindset that I'm not interested in searching for someone for the rest of the year, I might be able to compartmentalize enough that I don't feel like garbage through the holiday season. Perhaps dating will be my New Years Resolution!
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Phoe, you shouldn't have cold approach guys and start flirting with them. That sends us a bad message that you might be those type of girls who sleep with tons of guys or just crazy. It sucks but that's how men are culturally molded to think. The best is just be in the area to get approach, look your best, keep your joy of life. Men are attracted to girls who are a bit reserved but yet stunning. Your looks could definitely pull that off. Don't need to chase at all. Meeting potential partners through friends or co-workers is usually the best route to go. Quite frankly, if you are having trouble meeting men, you might be living in the wrong neighborhood. I can't imagine a girl like you don't get hit on often. 3
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 The best is just be in the area to get approach, look your best, keep your joy of life. Men are attracted to girls who are a bit reserved but yet stunning. Your looks could definitely pull that off. Don't need to chase at all. Meeting potential partners through friends or co-workers is usually the best route to go. I used to never make a first move, before this month I'd only ever approached twice, but I never get pursued, and after spending quite a bit of time on this forum the general consensus was that I was gonna need to start pursuing and approaching men myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, really. I am probably doing it all wrong haha.
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I used to never make a first move, before this month I'd only ever approached twice, but I never get pursued, and after spending quite a bit of time on this forum the general consensus was that I was gonna need to start pursuing and approaching men myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, really. I am probably doing it all wrong haha. It's good that you take some initiative but yea you have to do it in a subtle way. How about friends of friends or co-workers? No one you find of interest there?
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 It's good that you take some initiative but yea you have to do it in a subtle way. How about friends of friends or co-workers? No one you find of interest there? Most of the guys I've pursued this month were friends of friends or coworkers. Only 2 were complete strangers. I think that what I'm doing is subtle. I'm coming on to them in a way that's hinting like "hey I'm giving you the green light" and am flirting, but never come out and say anything like "hey I'm pursuing you are you interested?" -I'm not THAT blatant. Haha. The guys typically start to appear uncomfortable or flustered and start shutting me down politely. Friendzoned really is what I'd call it.
TheBathWater Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I'm a man, and I could have written that post. You are experiencing 'approach burnout'. Speaking personally, I would not mind at all if a woman approached me, and said something like: "Hey, I don't usually do this sort of thing, but I saw you from over there and wanted to come see what you were like". I like feeling that she is into me, won't play games, and wants to get to know me as a person. Anything too strong/sexual would turn me off, as I would imagine she might be doing that regularly, and I would feel like just another guy to her at that point. Not cool. Yeah, holidays suck. And it's only Halloween. 1
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I'm a man, and I could have written that post. You are experiencing 'approach burnout'. Ahh, I'm liking that there's a term for it! Maybe I made too many attempts in a row and should've taken my time a bit more. It's like I rushed from never pursuing/approaching to suddenly taking wild chances out of nowhere when the thought struck me.
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Anything too strong/sexual would turn me off, as I would imagine she might be doing that regularly, and I would feel like just another guy to her at that point. Not cool. Luckily coming off as overtly sexual is not a concern because that's very much so not my style, but I definitely have no idea how strongly I may or may not be coming across. Or how weird or awkward I might be coming across. Haha:p
TheBathWater Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Ahh, I'm liking that there's a term for it! Maybe I made too many attempts in a row and should've taken my time a bit more. It's like I rushed from never pursuing/approaching to suddenly taking wild chances out of nowhere when the thought struck me. I notice when I do too many in a short time frame, I strike out more often. When it's less frequent, it's more spontaneous on my part, and I believe I come off more genuine. And more genuine = more attractive. Nice to hear you're taking control over your love life and not simply playing by 'the rules'. Keep it up, and good luck.
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Most of the guys I've pursued this month were friends of friends or coworkers. Only 2 were complete strangers. I think that what I'm doing is subtle. I'm coming on to them in a way that's hinting like "hey I'm giving you the green light" and am flirting, but never come out and say anything like "hey I'm pursuing you are you interested?" -I'm not THAT blatant. Haha. The guys typically start to appear uncomfortable or flustered and start shutting me down politely. Friendzoned really is what I'd call it. It says you are from So Cal. I grew up there but moved out in 2005. What happen there? I dont remember men acting like this. lol These guys were straight right? Oh well, maybe you are bad luck. Or maybe there's something in the water in that neighborhood. Time to move. lol
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Nice to hear you're taking control over your love life and not simply playing by 'the rules'. Keep it up, and good luck. Thanks It's strange and odd and counterintuitive, but I feel it's for the better. I can sit back and wait for men to pursue me and possibly be very disappointed to find that nothing ever happens and I'm waiting a damn long time, or I can go ahead and start taking the reins myself, probably go through quite a few more rejections, probably weird some guys out, but at least it increases my chances. January though. My New Years Resolution. I'm gonna pursue a guy, and I'm gonna get a date. That's the goal
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 It says you are from So Cal. I grew up there but moved out in 2005. What happen there? I dont remember men acting like this. lol These guys were straight right? Oh well, maybe you are bad luck. Or maybe there's something in the water in that neighborhood. Time to move. lol I have lived in multiple areas and none of them made a difference. Small town and Big city. The problem lies with me, it's just a matter of pinpointing and overcoming that problem. I do have bad luck, for those that believe in luck. Haha. My close friends tease me, say I must be cursed, I must've been Hitler in a past life
Outsider77 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I never had problems with men approaching me. Maybe you appear unfriendly in some way. When I was younger, people used to think I was pissed off all the time, even when I wasn't. I realized that I look miserable often, even if I'm not. I had to make an effort from then on to look "happier". Maybe something like that is happening with you. 2
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I have lived in multiple areas and none of them made a difference. Small town and Big city. The problem lies with me, it's just a matter of pinpointing and overcoming that problem. I do have bad luck, for those that believe in luck. Haha. My close friends tease me, say I must be cursed, I must've been Hitler in a past life If you were Hitler in the past life, he got off super easy then. Yea, lookwise you are fine. But I can't tell how you act around people so hard to say. But I believe even if you are awkward, that itself could be a positive thing. I personally go for girls who are a bit odd or strange looking. Keep going out, maybe explore some of your hobbies, go to shows that you might want to see. I have no doubt you'll eventually meet someone.
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I never had problems with men approaching me. Maybe you appear unfriendly in some way. When I was younger, people used to think I was pissed off all the time, even when I wasn't. I realized that I look miserable often, even if I'm not. I had to make an effort from then on to look "happier". Maybe something like that is happening with you. It's hard to say, but I'm generally a pretty upbeat and spunky person lol. I'm the kind of girl who says hi and smiles at random strangers. Seems to throw people off most days haha, I guess people don't expect rando girls to greet you out on the streets. I've never heard a complaint that I come off as unfriendly, but it's something I worry about, and so I work extra hard to always seem cheery. I'd hate to come off as unfriendly because I'm one of the friendliest people I know lol. I'll literally just happily chat with anyone!
Grumpybutfun Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Phoe: Just be yourself. Guys who play games or are shallow aren't going to be good bf material anyway, and there are guys out there who appreciate someone who is authentic and friendly. Some guys are just too insecure to appreciate a confident woman or they listen too much to what their buddies say. Guys who are bitter because of their exes aren't going to be much fun anyway, and those who think you have to act, dress or make a certain amount of money are more into themselves than any woman they meet. I never once thought girls were loose if they came up to me and talked to me. I just thought I was lucky. Think of all the times Babe Ruth went to bat and how many homeruns he made. It is all about statistics. You are perfect for someone just the way you are... kind, interesting, confident and fun. Best, Grumps 3
Els Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Honestly, pursuing is a double edged sword for women, IMO. Yes, it gets you some guys. But it also does turn some off. Different strokes for different folks and all that. To put it bluntly, whereas probably 90% (or more?) of women would enjoy being pursued, perhaps 50% (or less?) of men might. That has been my observation, at least. It's a tad more risky doing so as a woman. Flirting is a different thing altogether. Some women have managed the art of flirting while not pursuing. I've never understood that either, but that may produce better results, if you were to learn it. I've rarely seen it turn out well for a girl to 'pursue a guy HARD', to be honest. 1
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Phoe: Just be yourself. Guys who play games or are shallow aren't going to be good bf material anyway, and there are guys out there who appreciate someone who is authentic and friendly. Some guys are just too insecure to appreciate a confident woman or they listen too much to what their buddies say. Guys who are bitter because of their exes aren't going to be much fun anyway, and those who think you have to act, dress or make a certain amount of money are more into themselves than any woman they meet. I never once thought girls were loose if they came up to me and talked to me. I just thought I was lucky. Think of all the times Babe Ruth went to bat and how many homeruns he made. It is all about statistics. You are perfect for someone just the way you are... kind, interesting, confident and fun. Best, Grumps Well put, Grumps! 1
SearchingforPlayer2 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Phoe, as a Gamer you should know that the harder you go looking for something, the harder it's going to be (or seem to be) to find it. You could either spend extended periods of time searching for that 1 item you're looking for, ignoring all the cool/ interesting things around you. Or you can chill, sit back and take your time, then when you do eventually find what you were looking for you'll just be pleasantly surprised and ready for it. Isn't it funny what sort of lessons Video games can teach us? 1
Woggle Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Phoe, as a Gamer you should know that the harder you go looking for something, the harder it's going to be (or seem to be) to find it. You could either spend extended periods of time searching for that 1 item you're looking for, ignoring all the cool/ interesting things around you. Or you can chill, sit back and take your time, then when you do eventually find what you were looking for you'll just be pleasantly surprised and ready for it. Isn't it funny what sort of lessons Video games can teach us? Very true. Playing GTA V I find all types of cool things just messing around. Approaching is a numbers for men and women. Sometimes you succeed and other times you don't. 1
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Thanks for the posts everyone! It's looking to me like I just need to find a good middle ground. Don't wanna wait around for guys to come to me, but don't wanna pursue too many in a time frame and pursue them too strongly. Both of those are bad and will do me no good. Not to mention, when I pursue strongly and flirt, I'm not being myself, which I realized thanks to Grumps' post. I don't really know how to flirt haha. My flirting style is nerdy, so it doesn't translate well to people who might not get what I'm saying. And since normal flirting wouldn't be my style, I may not even benefit from learning how... so I may put that thought aside for the time being. The most important thing I do is focus on putting off good energy. Being positive. I think I do well with this, but it's impossible to know! 2
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Reading some of your post, you have a cute personality. So stay true to yourself. After all, you want the guy to like you for who you are. Too bad you live so far, I would have ask you out for sure. 3
veggirl Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Well on the upside, you are a pretty girl so you can start threads like this and not get berated about how there is something wrong with you like the guys do I've never been a flirt, so I feel you there! 2
Author Phoe Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Reading some of your post, you have a cute personality. So stay true to yourself. After all, you want the guy to like you for who you are. Too bad you live so far, I would have ask you out for sure. aww, thank you valen you can start threads like this and not get berated about how there is something wrong with you like the guys do I'm actually amazed I haven't been berated yet, haha! Some of the things people say on this forum.... yeesh.
ltjg45 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Why can't you be down here in Jacksonville? Like you, I also keep striking out as well. I'm sure you will find someone, just like any other female that I met. As for me? Let's just say that I may be born in the wrong gender.
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