Borso Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Hi! Where i live it's 4 am. Can't sleep, so i decided i had to tell someone about what's going on in my head. Or just get it on "paper". Get it out there. I'll try not to make this a novel, and my english isn't that good, but i hope You'll understand me. So here's my story... Spring 2013. The best spring ever. I met the most beautifull girl, with the clearest blue eyes, and a captivating smile. So full of life. A girl that had been raised with the same values as me. Her family was so kind, and opened their hearts and home to me. 22 years. 22 years i had been waiting for a girl like this. And finally i found her. Finally i had her in my arms. Finally i woke up next to her. Finally i could hold hands with her. Finally i got morning/evening texts telling me i'm handsome, that she loves me and wishes me good night. Finally! Summer 2013. The best summer in my life. Filled with so much love. So much joy. Every day spent with the most beautifull girl. The fact that we were going to go separate ways at the end of the summer, didn't matter. But she thought of it sometimes. I could tell. She wanted to join the army. 2 weeks gone, for testing. We talked every day on the phone for 3 hours. I picked her up at the airport, and everything was like it used to be. I brought her home, we met her family, ate dinner, and we slept together. It was the most magical night. Not thinking about the fact that we had 4 weeks until she had to go to the army, and i had to go to college. One of the weeks, i had to work, and she went away. That was the first time i felt it. Not being sure what she was thinking. The reason being, she called me and said she didn't want to be commited. She wanted to travel the world and being free. But either way, when she got back home, it was just like when she had left. So much love. I was so in love. Like i had never been before. But the day had come, where she had to go. We, or I was really motivated to do a long distance relationship, so the first 2 weeks was very good. She called me every night telling me she missed me and how she was. After the 2 weeks i went to visit her for a weekend. A magical weekend. And then it was my turn, going for college. The first 2 weeks was really good. I sent her flowers, letters, jewlery and pictures. She texted me all the time, called me all the time and everything was so good. I really thought it would work out. But after a week where she was without a phone, something had happened. She returned, and i got no call. So i called her. And something had changed. And that's where the nightmare started. The feeling of being really afraid. Afraid of loosing The One. After 3 weeks i told her eventually that i could feel something was wrong. And she said i was right. She didn't miss me as much as before, but she didn't want to talk about it over the phone. The upcoming weekend we where both going home. She told me that she didn't want me to come with her to her house. I could understand, since it had been a long time since she had seen her family. But i met her at the airport, and we kissed, and in a way, it felt good, but i felt there was something wrong. Saturday was here, and she called me, telling me she wanted to come to place. She came and we had a great time. But while were laying in the bed, she started crying. And my heart started raising like a scared rabbits heart. She told me she couldn't do it. She couldn't handle being away from me. So she wanted a break. I still don't understand what she said that day. Or what was going through her head. Nothing made sense. But we cried together, and got a nice goodbye, knowing that it wasn't over, yet. Then the wierd part started. She texted me telling how much she regretted what she had done, and that she hated herself for it. She also invited me to dinner with the family the next day. So i went, and we kissed, had sex, and everything was just like in the summer. We went to the airport together. Kissing and saying goodbye. The week after, i had to go to my sisters place, because i thought i was broken, but i was not. The reason being she texted me telling me how much she loved me, how handsome i was and telling me good night. I said that i couldn't get the idea of us getting back together out of my head, and she said she liked that. I was really happy. Everything was like before. I even got several texts from her mother telling me how great i was and that they missed me. My best friend told me i had to give her the ultimatum. Either your with me 100%, or else we have to break it off completely. But i didn't want to risk loosing what we had at that time. So i chickened out. And i'm still regretting. The next week, i started getting the awfull feeling back again. Anxiety, depression, being scared and unmotivated for life. The reason? She was starting to give me a cold shoulder. Just like before. Had i been tricked? I told her several times about my feelings, but not telling her directly why. But she understood. And she didn't like it. So she told me she didn't want to talk to me if the talks were sad and guilty. So we made a deal, the sunday before she was going out in the field again, that we were not going to talk about it anymore, and move forward. That week was a pretty good week, where i realised a lot of things, and i really thought we had found a good solution. But when she got back from the field, my feelings returned. Because i was just like any other person to her. Not getting a call or text. So the weeks went on, up and down. Some nights i got hearts and kisses, others nothing. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I lost 20 pounds, couldn't sleep, couldn't do any school because when i did the anxiety came and it felt like a knife was running through my chest all the time. But then the day was finally there. The day where she was going to visit me. Where i finally could get an answer. Was there any chance for us to be a couple again. I was so happy that week. Friday arrived, but i wasn't happy, and i wasn't nervous. I was just scared. I knew something was going to happen. She lost her train, and didn't want to come the next day. I was devastated! I was so frustrated, so angry. I kept yelling and puncing my pillow. The chance was gone. In a way it felt like she did it on purpose. But i coped, because two weeks later we were both going home again. I was going home because she was going home. No other reason. There was 2 huge concerts at my college that weekend, but i didn't care at all. We both went wednesday. But she didn't want to meet that night, or thursday. But i called her thursday night and she said she planned coming friday morning. And she did. And i saw that something wasn't right. She wasn't smiling like she used to. She didn't want to get too close, like she used to. She didn't talk as much as she used to. And i asked her, if there was any hope for us. No, there wasn't. 1000 bullets went through my heart. I understood what i had to do. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I had to stop telling myself that there was a chance. So i told her that i had to move on, that i had get well, that i even had to go to the doctor. But i couldn't do this if i had any contact with her. I told her she broke my heart. She understood, and was sorry, and she wanted me to get well again... I have never cried so much. I cried the whole weekend. It didn't feel like the right thing to do AT ALL. It felt, it still feels, like i went into a room that seamed so safe and comforting, but when i locked the doors, i found out it was not safe in there, it was horrible, dark and cold. I tried to open the doors, but it wasn't me that was holding the keys. It was her. Claustrophobic! It's been two weeks now. I think about her all the time. When i see a picture of her, my chest aces. When i think about her it hurts. I even live with a girl that has the same name as her. It's brutal! Everyone is telling me that i did the right thing, but i don't feel that way at all. I want to stay friends with her, so that mabye she would fall in love again. Or at least so i could talk to her and tell her about the things i've experienced. The way i've been coping with this is desperatly trying to find someone that is similiar to her, and connect with her. And i have actually managed to find someone. In a way she makes me happy. Not in the same way at all, but i manage to not think of my ex when i talk to her. I read on another page that this wasn't a good idea. But i really have to. I think i have to find a new one to move on. I've also said to myself that i can call her this sunday. Telling her how i am, that i've gained weight and that i'm feeling better. And also ask her if she wants to grab a cup of coffee when she is visiting her grandma(she lives a few miles away). Is this a bad idea? My brother says yes. My father says yes. Everyone says yes. But what can i do? I realise now that this became a novel, and probably nobody bothered reading all of it. But i really needed to get this out there. But if anybody is reading this, i would really appreciate any advice, questions or suggestions! Thanks for letting me share my story:)
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 And also ask her if she wants to grab a cup of coffee when she is visiting her grandma(she lives a few miles away). Is this a bad idea? My brother says yes. My father says yes. Everyone says yes. But what can i do? I agree with your brother and father. Bad idea. You'll just reopen your wound and pour salt on it. Why do that to yourself? It will take a long time to heal, but it will eventually heal with time as long as you stop thinking about getting her back. 2
NC_unbearable Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Yea seriously, listen to yourself. You are eating again, gaining weight. I think you are doing just amazing. The things you are doing to cope with this situation are things that I've had to have been taught. Just keep focusing on yourself, accept all the feelings that come your way, they will fade faster than you realize if you don't resist them. Its called the Sedona method, and after less than a week of trying it out, I live by it. 2
headinthecloud Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 One day, OP, you will re-read this post and see yourself in a new light. You fell hard for this girl, and it's a wonderful experience we hopefully all go through. But it's blinding and when we come down from mt. Olympus of love and the clouds start to part, we start to see what 's really going on and all the red flags we willingly ignored. She told you early on that she didnt want to be in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, that wasnt something you were willing to accept and, because she loved you too, you both gave it a try. The best thing to do is go NC and heal yourself - that means no checking social media, no whatsapp statuses and no search engine searches. It's time to refocus and channel those thoughts and energies onto yourself as you, and only you, matter. Work on pulling the pieces of your heart back together. It sounds like it was a great summer romance. One that will alter the course of your life as only heartbreak does. The good news is that this will pass and you will love again - perhaps just as blindly - and one day you will find someone else who's eyes will reflect the same love and desire as you. Have faith in what will be. 3
Author Borso Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Wow, thank you guys so much for the response! I really needed that. The best thing to do is go NC and heal yourself - that means no checking social media, no whatsapp statuses and no search engine searches. It's time to refocus and channel those thoughts and energies onto yourself as you, and only you, matter. Work on pulling the pieces of your heart back together. I got like 5 social medias that i'm still following her, and i find myself checking daily if she's online, or if she has uploaded a new picture and all of that. I'm wondering if the best thing is to block her from all these SM. By the way, i was her first boyfriend ever. Kind of satisfied that i managed to bust all her plans and be the first to break into her heart and stir things up!
todreaminblue Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Wow, thank you guys so much for the response! I really needed that. By the way, i was her first boyfriend ever. Kind of satisfied that i managed to bust all her plans and be the first to break into her heart and stir things up! why would you want to stir her up......its not really good to hurt someone because they hurt you ...we all do it..and that still doesnt make it right...... the best thing for you to do is be happy and get happy....not think of making her unhappy ..but be simply happy for you because your life is on track.......and if hers is too ...bonus......forgive her and heal...if you love someone you dont want to stir them up or see them suffer...go no contact and dont break it....says me who did simply to forgive him though make things easier...........but try not to break it....and move on with your eyes forward......deb
Author Borso Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 why would you want to stir her up......its not really good to hurt someone because they hurt you ...we all do it..and that still doesnt make it right...... the best thing for you to do is be happy and get happy....not think of making her unhappy ..but be simply happy for you because your life is on track.......and if hers is too ...bonus......forgive her and heal...if you love someone you dont want to stir them up or see them suffer...go no contact and dont break it....says me who did simply to forgive him though make things easier...........but try not to break it....and move on with your eyes forward......deb Ah, sorry, i didn't mean it like that. I ment that she didn't want to get in any relationship and didn't want to get feelings and stuff, but when i showed up she had to try it out. In that way i stired in her emotions and made her fall in love, even tho that wasn't her plan. I would never hurt her in any way. I love her so much. Even tho i don't want her to, i really hope she finds a guy eventually that is the best guy in the world that makes her world. I could've been that guy at a different time and place, but it just wasn't ment to be us i guess. Even tho i felt(feel) like i was(am) the one for her.
ponchsox Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Cherish the time you had together, and go back to being who you were before you met her. Start a new chapter in your life. Don't get caugh in a rut. 1
LoveTKO Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Here's the deal: this girl obviously doesn't know what she wants because she vacilates all the time regarding the relationship. You finally got your answer and she emphatically said that it's over between the two of you, so I would definitely cease and desist all forms of between since you still have strong feelings for her. You're really going to get your feelings hurt if you hear thru the grapevine that she's seeing someone else, or has been seeing someone all along while you two were together. You mentioned something really interesting regarding feeling on top of the world when you two were together, only to fall into this state of anxiety and depression when she was a away and lived her life. This is very telling and it should serve as a red flag as it pertains to your relationship dynamics. You probably had that anxious feeling a bit while you were with her, this insecure dark cloud that you swept under rug, waiting to eclipse your mind the moment she wasn't in sight. This is not a proper foundation for a relationship since you don't feel in control or "yourself". You also lost a lot of weight which tells me that you're prone to experiencing extreme feelings of doom and gloom during a crisis. Stay away from this girl and try find someone who doesn't put you on an emotional roller coaster. You don't do well in the dating realm as it pertains to games that people play and what not. You said that you've been waiting for a girl like this for twenty two years.......nothing wrong with that, but when you fall for a girl you fall hard! Don't fall for this long distance relationship nonsense. good luck 1
Author Borso Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Here's the deal: this girl obviously doesn't know what she wants because she vacilates all the time regarding the relationship. You finally got your answer and she emphatically said that it's over between the two of you, so I would definitely cease and desist all forms of between since you still have strong feelings for her. You're really going to get your feelings hurt if you hear thru the grapevine that she's seeing someone else, or has been seeing someone all along while you two were together. You mentioned something really interesting regarding feeling on top of the world when you two were together, only to fall into this state of anxiety and depression when she was a away and lived her life. This is very telling and it should serve as a red flag as it pertains to your relationship dynamics. You probably had that anxious feeling a bit while you were with her, this insecure dark cloud that you swept under rug, waiting to eclipse your mind the moment she wasn't in sight. This is not a proper foundation for a relationship since you don't feel in control or "yourself". You also lost a lot of weight which tells me that you're prone to experiencing extreme feelings of doom and gloom during a crisis. Stay away from this girl and try find someone who doesn't put you on an emotional roller coaster. You don't do well in the dating realm as it pertains to games that people play and what not. You said that you've been waiting for a girl like this for twenty two years.......nothing wrong with that, but when you fall for a girl you fall hard! Don't fall for this long distance relationship nonsense. good luck Wow! This really made me happy, for a wierd reason. You really understand what i'm going through. You said that i was probably having those feelings while inwas with her, and you're completely write!!
Author Borso Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 My ex called me yesterday. Was really caught off guard, so i just picked up. I was shaking during the whole conversation. She was very curious of how i was doing and if i had found a new girl and stuff. It was a nice talk, she seemed very glad to talk to me. I really wanted to give her short answers and no questions in return, but it just didn't feal natural. But afterwards i texted her telling her it was good to talk to her and i missed her. So #%*@& stupid! She hasn't answered and i feel like ****! But, i learned my lesson! No more contact, whatsoever!
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