Baffled by my trend on OKcupid

[kodakgirl]

Hi!

 

I'm a 25-year-old woman living in a major North American city, and online dating seems to work differently for me than other 25-year-old women in big cities. I've tried it on quite a few different occasions over the past three or four years, and it just seems to get weirder for me. The general consensus seems to be, oh it is so easy if you're a woman, especially if you're even decently attractive, you get flooded by messages, etc. etc., but I totally don't fit into this and I'm really wondering if any one can either relate or help me understand...

 

I've had this especially weird trend, getting stronger in the past few forays I've made onto OKC (I hate pof and I don't want to pay). Okcupid, for those who aren't familiar, has something called "Quickmatch", which shows you a person's pictures and part of their profile, and you rate it. When someone rates you 4 or 5 stars out of 5, it tells you (though it doesn't tell you who unless you pay). I get a ton of 4-5 star ratings on Quickmatch. This last account, which I opened about a month ago, has about 275, more than I've ever had (and I actually broke down and paid for one month to see if OKC was just making it up... apparently not). I get a lot of pageviews, maybe 30-50 a day after the first-week rush. I get almost no messages. Maybe 1 or 2 a day, and most of them are the no-effort kind.

 

Today kind of sealed my bafflement-- I deactivated my account for about a week, just feeling sick of it, and on a whim re-activated it today, didn't do anything on it, looked at it again after about five hours. I had 80 new views, 45 new Quickmatch ratings... and 0 messages.

 

This isn't a big deal to me neccessarily, I'm not feeling super dedicated to dating right now anyway-- but I'm really confused. So 41 men today thought I was cute, but not one thought I was cute enough to write? I certainly sometimes rate guys highly who seem like a good people but not my type... but really, I'm hardly anyone's type?

 

I guess the obvious thing to say is probably "your profile majorly puts them off." This seems weird too though. There's nothing crazy. I don't hold any weird or extreme views. I'm very nice and I think I've expressed that. I'm doing a masters in something awesome, I have lots of interests and enthuisiasm. It's not Super Serious. If people think I should, I can share it to get feedback. Maybe I'm oblivious? I don't have a great reply rate, either, when I initiate, although the couple of guys I've met and really connected with were guys I wrote first (and really great catches, too, just stupid life circumstances got in the way).

 

It's weird, though, because I sort of get this in real life too. Guys look at me quite a bit, sometimes I literally turn heads-- but I'm never approached and rarely flirted with, despite the fact that almost everyone I meet who isn't in the "men my age" category warms to me easily. I kind of understand more in real life because I am a bit shy about flirting myself, but I also kind of don't understand.

 

I'm sorry to ramble so much! Thanks to anyone who's listened. Are there any women out there who have this same trend? Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions on what might be going on?

 

(I made my avatar my main OKC pic, if anyone finds it relevant... though the pictures don't seem to be the problem)

 

(Also happy Halloween to everyone! I dearly wish I didn't live in an apartment so I could decorate and give out candy, ah, I miss doing that!)

Edited November 1, 2013 by kodakgirl
Halloween!

[RonaldS]

Tinder.

 

You're welcome.

[Leigh 87]

I think you're very pretty. And you're doing a masters, and you do sound quiet nice:)

 

I really don't know what your problem is:( I think you're more attractive than I am and I'm only just doing my bachors degree.. I was a person trainer until age 25... now I'm merely a student.

 

No idea why some girls have less luck than others?

 

Perhaps guys are intimidated by you? You look very pretty:)

 

The only thing I can think of, besides guys thinking that you wouldn't be interested in them, is for you to post your profile here, so the guys can give you an honest opinion. Perhaps you come off as too intense?

 

I am not as pretty as you and I'm less educated. I have no issues getting dates. Perhaps it's because I'm super friendly and approachable? I'm very well traveled and sort of. . Easy going and used to talking to everyone, from various places and from all walks of life. Perhaps you're not very approachable? I'm always smiling and, supposedly, I look open and approachable.

 

In any case, I'm sure your lack of dating offers is easily fixed! It sure isn't to do with your looks or personality.

[Lansing]

Hmm.. hard to say without looking at your profile. Based on what you posted here you "seem" normal... Have you filled in those "match" questions? Maybe you aren't showing up in people's search results? Maybe those people viewing you are figuring that you wouldn't respond if they did contact you??

[Shashasha]

No experience in online dating - but yo are so very pretty!!

[phineas]

Man's point of view when it comes to online dating.

 

It all comes down to the picture for 95% of the women.

The other 5% look at my height & my job/income. haha!

 

I'm not going to put much effort into contacting women because it is a waste of time.

For every woman who thinks I "didn't try hard enough" with my "How's it going?" opener and disregards 5 other women didn't.

 

Also, you may of gotten messages initially but once you don't respond to them your selectivity score goes up or down depending on how you look at it.

 

So perhaps men are liking your pics instead of messaging because your profile basically says your email is a black hole?

[hppr]

If you aren't getting that many hits your pics are probably too conservative and your description too long.

 

As a guy my best online dating profile was one with stylish pics and a simple, easy to read description. Not talking studio pics but pics at clubs, riding a motorcycle and then one 'manly pose' kind of pic.

 

That and you have to look good. If you don't have a photogenic face then you need a good body and your pics need to show it off. Online dating is really shallow that way.

[irc333]

I don't care for OK Cupid, not much of a variety as POF (both are free by the way). Plus OKC seems to be matching me with an inordinate amount of obese women, but if you want to sort by "body type", it's an extra paid feature or just wind up clicking on the ones in the margins next to the profile

 

 

 

 

Hi!

 

I'm a 25-year-old woman living in a major North American city, and online dating seems to work differently for me than other 25-year-old women in big cities. I've tried it on quite a few different occasions over the past three or four years, and it just seems to get weirder for me. The general consensus seems to be, oh it is so easy if you're a woman, especially if you're even decently attractive, you get flooded by messages, etc. etc., but I totally don't fit into this and I'm really wondering if any one can either relate or help me understand...

 

I've had this especially weird trend, getting stronger in the past few forays I've made onto OKC (I hate pof and I don't want to pay). Okcupid, for those who aren't familiar, has something called "Quickmatch", which shows you a person's pictures and part of their profile, and you rate it. When someone rates you 4 or 5 stars out of 5, it tells you (though it doesn't tell you who unless you pay). I get a ton of 4-5 star ratings on Quickmatch. This last account, which I opened about a month ago, has about 275, more than I've ever had (and I actually broke down and paid for one month to see if OKC was just making it up... apparently not). I get a lot of pageviews, maybe 30-50 a day after the first-week rush. I get almost no messages. Maybe 1 or 2 a day, and most of them are the no-effort kind.

 

Today kind of sealed my bafflement-- I deactivated my account for about a week, just feeling sick of it, and on a whim re-activated it today, didn't do anything on it, looked at it again after about five hours. I had 80 new views, 45 new Quickmatch ratings... and 0 messages.

 

This isn't a big deal to me neccessarily, I'm not feeling super dedicated to dating right now anyway-- but I'm really confused. So 41 men today thought I was cute, but not one thought I was cute enough to write? I certainly sometimes rate guys highly who seem like a good people but not my type... but really, I'm hardly anyone's type?

 

I guess the obvious thing to say is probably "your profile majorly puts them off." This seems weird too though. There's nothing crazy. I don't hold any weird or extreme views. I'm very nice and I think I've expressed that. I'm doing a masters in something awesome, I have lots of interests and enthuisiasm. It's not Super Serious. If people think I should, I can share it to get feedback. Maybe I'm oblivious? I don't have a great reply rate, either, when I initiate, although the couple of guys I've met and really connected with were guys I wrote first (and really great catches, too, just stupid life circumstances got in the way).

 

It's weird, though, because I sort of get this in real life too. Guys look at me quite a bit, sometimes I literally turn heads-- but I'm never approached and rarely flirted with, despite the fact that almost everyone I meet who isn't in the "men my age" category warms to me easily. I kind of understand more in real life because I am a bit shy about flirting myself, but I also kind of don't understand.

 

I'm sorry to ramble so much! Thanks to anyone who's listened. Are there any women out there who have this same trend? Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions on what might be going on?

 

(I made my avatar my main OKC pic, if anyone finds it relevant... though the pictures don't seem to be the problem)

 

(Also happy Halloween to everyone! I dearly wish I didn't live in an apartment so I could decorate and give out candy, ah, I miss doing that!)

[antonio1149]

Hi!

 

I'm a 25-year-old woman living in a major North American city, and online dating seems to work differently for me than other 25-year-old women in big cities. I've tried it on quite a few different occasions over the past three or four years, and it just seems to get weirder for me. The general consensus seems to be, oh it is so easy if you're a woman, especially if you're even decently attractive, you get flooded by messages, etc. etc., but I totally don't fit into this and I'm really wondering if any one can either relate or help me understand...

 

I'm baffled, too--every woman I've ever met who placed ads on any online dating site has told me they get swamped with emails. I did OKC for years--was contacted regularly, and not once was it someone I found appealing. I contacted women regularly and I'd say my success rate was less than 1%. In all that time I met four women--none of them clicked. I finally gave up.

 

Have you considered Craigslist? I answered an ad a few days ago and met her that night. She didn't have a photo in her ad, but told me she got close to 100 emails within a couple of hours. And she was substantially overweight and not what I'd call attractive.

[salparadise]

I think it has to be the approachability factor. Your writing may have a serious tone that gives guys the impression that you're all business when it comes to dating, and if you combine that with the red "very selective" rating they may think there's not much chance of getting a response or having a fun date. Do you include a bit of humor? Have you answered many of the questions, or avoid the ones about sexuality? I know that I've passed on attractive women when they seem to be a tough nut to crack, have impossible standards, or any hint of negativity in the essays. Women who list what they won't tolerate get an automatic pass whether any of it applies to me or not. I imagine what the first meeting might be like and if it feels like we could laugh and have easy conversation it's good. But if it feels like it might be an interrogation or she's going to be sizing me up for lifestyle access, I pass.

 

I've almost quit making first contact, and I've tweaked my profile to where the more proactive types will contact me. It's more productive that way, and filters out the ones with a princess, glass slipper mentality.

 

This is all guesswork. If you want actual help you'll have to share your username, which you can change later (by paying for one month).

[mammasita]

I did OKC and POF - got 10 (POF) to every 1 (OKC) message with the exact profile blurb and same pictures.

 

Who knows.....

 

I think it was my R2D2 tank top that won em all over

[BreakOnThrough]

~READ THIS~

 

Do you play QuickMatch yourself, meaining you rate Men in QuickMatch? If a Guy rates you highly, he will show up in your QuickMatches near the beginning and if you rate him highly, you will both be notified that there is a match on both sides (you don't have to pay for this).

 

Most Men need to know that their interest will be reciprocated before they will send you thoughful message. Probably because 99% of the Women ingore their unsoliciated "mass" messages, Guys are figuring out it's a waste of time.

 

It's like a glance in real life, if a Man looks at you interested and you don't look back, he will not approach. Same Thing!

Edited November 1, 2013 by BreakOnThrough

[d0nnivain]

I tried on line dating several years ago & hated it.

 

First, you do need to make sure you are on the right site. Personally, the free ones really freaked me out. I picked e-harmony because at the time it was the biggest p.i.t.a. to fill out their compatability profile & it was the most expensive. (if you surf, you will find coupon codes). I figured if a guy was willing to through all of that he was more serious than somebody who made a free profile as a goof one late lonely night. That's just me. You may have another take.

 

Second, while I am unfamiliar with OKC or Quickmatch, could the guy's initial acknowledgement that you are a cute simply be an opening salvo? It's got to be hard to be the one who always takes the initiative. If you get a cute rating from a guy, do you check out his profile? If yes, what do you do if you like him? In a bar, you would at least smile back or stare. He'd know he has you're attention. How do you communicate mutual interest back to him after he Quickmatched you? If you don't leave a message for him, try. See if that simple change in your behavior gets you better results.

[mercuryshadow]

I had that issue when I used OKC a couple of years ago, but if I recall correctly, you can view who marks you as a favorite. I believe you can also view someone who you've mutually rated highly on quickmatch.

 

I was on OKC on a whim, and wasn't taking it too seriously after getting creeper messages and such. I was actually about to deactivate when I saw that someone seemingly very nice, intelligent and respectable had marked me as a favorite. We were also highly compatible (according to OKC). I held off, waiting for a message from him, but by the next day, I'd had enough of the waiting. So, I sent him something quick and witty. He responded that he had been "afraid" to write me.

 

We ended up hitting it off, and a year later, we were engaged to be married. (Not married yet, due to be in a few months!)

 

There is nothing wrong with you, you are not a lost cause. Keep at it a little longer and don't be afraid to initiate.

[kodakgirl]

Thanks so much to everyone for your responses! (and thanks for the compliments, aw ).

 

This morning I had another 23 high ratings and 23 visitors and no messages... it's actually almost making me laugh now! (and I do know they are real people-- I was suspicious of OKC always being like "x number of people rated you highly! subscribe to find out who!" so finally I just gave in and actually paid for a month, and all those ARE attached to real, regular people!)

 

I think it really must be that I don't come across as approachable. Maybe I do seem too serious or intense, though I've tried not to be (I'm not, it's not trying to hide something, haha). I've tried to keep the tone of my profile fairly light and very positive, but something must not be working. If anyone is interested in giving me their point of view, I made my profile available to be seen by the public-- I don't think I can link it here, but my profile is "kodakery" (I am in the photo field, how did you guess? ) and it's findable. I've really tried to express who I am and I've re-written my text a million times. I know I won't be everyone's cup of tea but it would be nice to be someones once in a while...

 

Other suggestions are good too... I could give another site a try as well (or Tinder, though apparently my iphone 3 is too obsolete to be able to download it!). I do write to men first sometimes if they really appeal to me, and the two real connections I've had with men I met online were from me writing first. In fact I've been the one who initiated in every romantic instance I've had that went beyond two dates, both online and off. Thanks for sharing your story, mercuryshadow, aw (and congratulations!). I can totally understand a guy feeling shy about approaching a girl he finds really attractive, even online. I've felt shy on occasion about writing a guy... the last guy I dated I went probably months without writing, then finally I worked up my courage and sent a message-- and from there it was pretty perfect for a while, until &$@# life circumstances got in the way. I guess I should learn my own lesson.

 

Thanks again!

[kodakgirl]

Thanks so much for having a look! I appreciate the feedback. I never even thought of that as being part of the explanation. I might tone it down a bit/leave it vaguer but I probably wouldn't be a good match with someone who felt insecure about my degree-- they might be perfectly nice but we probably wouldn't match (no offense, at all!). Intelligence and motivation are very important to me. This certainly doesn't have to mean a degree, although come to think of it almost every guy I've dated has in fact been working on a graduate degree or the equivalent. It's interesting you see this as correlating with money, because in my experience graduate students mostly talk about how in debt they are, haha. I think that's a significant compatibility thing-- there's people who will go majorly into debt to get a degree in something they're passionate about, and there's people who'd rather not. Both are totally fine, but I'm definitely the first type and I can't really imagine having a partner who isn't.

 

The desire to travel is pretty important to me too. I totally understand not being able to afford it-- I can't really, right now-- but wanting it is something else entirely. I will make sure and phrase it in a way that doesn't imply any pressure, though!

 

Thanks for the feedback, I really never thought about either of those things, it's helpful to get other views!

[pteromom]

Thanks so much for having a look! I appreciate the feedback. I never even thought of that as being part of the explanation. I might tone it down a bit/leave it vaguer but I probably wouldn't be a good match with someone who felt insecure about my degree-- they might be perfectly nice but we probably wouldn't match (no offense, at all!). Intelligence and motivation are very important to me. This certainly doesn't have to mean a degree, although come to think of it almost every guy I've dated has in fact been working on a graduate degree or the equivalent.

 

The desire to travel is pretty important to me too. I totally understand not being able to afford it-- I can't really, right now-- but wanting it is something else entirely. I will make sure and phrase it in a way that doesn't imply any pressure, though!

 

Don't water down your profile to try to get more responses. If those things are important to you, then keep them.

 

You want to know why most guys aren't writing you? Probably because you don't come across as slutty. I don't mean that ALL guys are looking for just sex, of course, but a lot of guys on OLD are. I would assume that is doubly-true on a site where you rate people's pictures.

 

1-2 messages a day is pretty good. I would focus less on quantity and more on quality. It's better to get 1 message a week from a guy you could really connect with, than 10 a day from a bunch of guys who aren't right for you.

 

Because you are classy, intelligent, and seem "together", maybe you want to pay for a more serious dating site that attracts only people who want long-term relationships.

[nescafe1982]

 

Try to be more "simple" at first. Then after you meet, open up more about your super smart and wealthy self.

 

What? no, no no no no! I couldn't disagree with this advice more!

 

OP, it is true that the higher your professed educational status on OKC, the fewer actual messages you will get. It's an ugly truth about being an ambitious, smart woman on the market, sadly. I am a PhD who found my current SO on the site, and I was on it for over a year, actively dating, and (same as you) I got scores of likes and high ratings, and next to no messages save the very bland or creepy ones.

 

Do NOT dial back your accomplishments that you are proud of. Do not dial back your intellect, and for heaven's sake don't try to fake being "simple!" Even if that worked... as you said, you don't want a man who dates you because he thinks you're a dummy.

 

My advice? Be yourself, but curb your expectations a little bit. Understand that online dating is a total crap-shoot and numbers game, and that the overwhelming majority of the people on there will not be your match, or will not contact you. Doesn't matter why they don't message you... just don't internalize your stats.

 

Go on a lot of crummy first dates if you can. Put some line in your profile about potential date ideas. I, for instance, wrote that I would love to see the Chihuly Exhibit at my local museum. It was a cool idea, it was free, and it totally gave men an idea of what to talk about when they wrote me. Think of ways to add in little bread-crumbs for your dating equal to pick up when he does message you. And always remember it's not how many messages you get... it's how quality they are.

 

And have you tried messaging dudes you like? OKC reports that a statistically higher percentage of dates there turn into relationships when the woman messages first. Couldn't hurt.. it's better than dialing down on your awesome.

 

Good luck!

[Phantom888]

I have been doing online dating for almost 2 years and had great success. Despite being a male (a disadvantage in the online dating world), I was getting dates consistently with really attractive ladies.

 

In my opinion, DON'T do those free sites. People who are serious about dating will spend those hard earned money to find their happiness. It's well worth it. Think about it... You would only pay for dating service if you really want to meet someone great. You would not pay if you are just browsing or playing games. This is a matter of investment, and I really think you should consider places like Match. Best of luck.

[salparadise]

I do write to men first sometimes if they really appeal to me, and the two real connections I've had with men I met online were from me writing first. In fact I've been the one who initiated in every romantic instance I've had that went beyond two dates, both online and off. Thanks for sharing your story, mercuryshadow, aw (and congratulations!). I can totally understand a guy feeling shy about approaching a girl he finds really attractive, even online. I've felt shy on occasion about writing a guy... the last guy I dated I went probably months without writing, then finally I worked up my courage and sent a message-- and from there it was pretty perfect for a while, until &$@# life circumstances got in the way. I guess I should learn my own lesson.

 

Yes, that seems to be your answer. Women do the choosing anyway. Men are applicants, women decide whether to grant an interview and ultimately who gets the job. It's just that in the olden days women were not allowed to solicit applicants - they had to choose from whomever happened to be standing in line. Men have realized that standing in line is a flawed strategy and women aren't much interested in the ones who do. The system is undergoing a restructuring.

 

I suspect you could be intimidating to the average 25 year old. If I didn't know your age and had to guess based on the level of maturity in your profile writing and interests I'd guess early thirties. You have your preferred age range topping out at 31. I don't know if you've thought it through but unless you're absolutely certain that's your limit, I'd suggest expanding on the upper end. You'd be talking to more mature, established men and I have no doubt that they'd find you attractive.

 

One thing that has helped me is understanding that I can appeal to a demographic niche that women seem to have a difficult time with... tall, educated, progressive women often cannot deal with men shorter than themselves, unaware, incommunicative, bubbas or tea-bagger types. That eliminates a LOT of men, and there are a lot of attractive women in that group, and they will initiate. I just wish they hadn't waited so long to have their kids (I'm looking in the 50ish range ).

 

So think statistically and find the intersection between your interests/assets and demographics - make the numbers work for you. Refine your approach and be proactive. Check out this video...

 

How I hacked OLD

[RedRobin]

^^ Six years older than you is a PLENTY large enough span at your age.

 

My advice is resist the urge to date men much older than that... certainly no more than +10. I myself won't date a guy more than 5 years older than me.

 

These guys are NOT more mature/established. They are likely divorced, with kids... or perma-singles looking for a young lady to boost their ego and impress their friends while they GIGS their way through life.

 

OkC is full of them. Don't settle and don't get discouraged. There is no better time than right now (your age) to find a peer... don't sell out to some sweet talking old guy with a good story.

 

The advice of the others is good... No need to hide your passion and experience. Definitely take the step of initiating first. Do your own searches or even ignore the random emails from ones you don't initiate all together if it is mostly one-liners. You can tell it's gonna be lame before you even open it most of the time.

 

Instead of paying $$ for Match, I'd spend some time joining some activity groups, Meetups, etc. I've met a lot of great people that way.

[FitChick]

Look for niche dating websites. You will start out having something in common. You meet better quality men on paid sites. Just join for a month and make sure you don't automatically renew. Put reminders of the expiration date all over the place just in case so you don't wasted money.

 

Many publications have their own dating websites now, or at least they are part of a larger database of similar members elsewhere.

[kodakgirl]

Thanks so much to all of you! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some insight. It's sort of funny-- it's like I've been feeling put out over not being invited to a party I don't want to go to anyway, haha. I really don't need or want tons of messages. If I only got one message a week, but it was personalized and from someone nice and interesting, that would be amazing! (though I don't even get that, mostly). But somehow hearing all this "attractive women get ten BILLION messages a week!" managed to get to me and prey on my insecurities. Then combining that with the ratings and views-- it seemed like something really must be wrong. It's been helpful to be reminded that that isn't necessarily the case. I know I'm not like the typical 25 year old, and I'm okay with that. Really, my lack of responses maybe indicates I've expressed myself pretty well in my profile. I'm probably not what a lot of guys online are looking for-- simple as that. I don't know why it's been difficult for me to see that, but apparently so!

 

I have been considering trying out Match, just for that one month (I'm pretty skilled at cancelling on last days, haha). Maybe in January, when I will be least busy and can make the most of it. I'd really love to meet more men in person, too, though it's hard when I'm busy. My master's program only has 23 people in my year... 20 of whom are female, haha. I'm definitely going to try out Meetup when I have time, I think it's a great idea and I'd love to meet more people in general and make new friends.

 

Oh and yes, thanks for the thought but I think 31/32 is about my upper limit right now... even that seems a bit high for me, really, haha. I'm very mature in a lot of ways but in others I feel about 23. I think I'd ideally like to date someone who is either still in (grad) school or just starting out their career, like a year or two in, so we're at roughly the same place in life.

 

Thanks so much to everyone!

[RonaldS]

These guys are NOT more mature/established. They are likely divorced, with kids....

 

Oh no....the horror! Hahaha.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that often times men who are divorced and have kids might actually be established and mature, and possibly even moreso than a lot of other men, given that they, you know, have actually thought about people other than themselves for more than 15 seconds of their existence?

 

I like how people can so easily help demystify why they are still single with one simple comment.