girlwithabrokenheart Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I've read this thread for about a month now but this is my first time posting. My ex broke up with me at the end of August and ended an almost 3 year relationship. We met freshman year of college and have been together since. We had a 100% healthy relationship- we hardly ever fought, no physical/verbal abuse, loved one another, talked about and had plans for the future, we were best friends, etc. Of course there were things that he did sometimes that drove me a little nuts, but it was nothing to ever end a relationship over. I also did a lot for him, I loved him more than anything and did everything possible to make him happy. The break up was a huge surprise to me. We had a great summer together and I felt like we have never been closer. Then, a few weeks into school, he told me he needs space and wants to be single this semester. He told me he felt like something was "missing" and needed to figure out his life. Obviously, I was heartbroken. I just couldn't understand how he felt that way. He told me he had been feeling like that for about a week and he said he needed to move on and that it wasn't fair to either of us if he continued. I just don't get it. Everything was perfect and all of a sudden his feelings change? He got a new apartment and a new roommate and it's our senior year and we were each others first loves, so I don't know if any of that played a role into. He told me he is scared of the future. He started "seeing" another girl about 3 weeks after our relationship ended. I was crushed. I thought what we had was special- he has always told me that I'm not like any other girl he has been with. I just don't know what changed- he said it's nothing I did, he just felt like something was missing and needed to move on. It's been 2 months and I am doing much better, but I have my bad days. At first I thought I could get him back, that he was just confused. Once I heard about the other girl, it made me realize he wasn't coming back anytime soon. I don't think about him nearly as much. I never have the urge to text him, but I have bad days where I really miss his companionship. It's lonely going to class alone and going out alone. I've had him in my life for all of college. Now, it's hard to go out and enjoy senior year. It's just not the same without him. I know that I need to let go and move on but I just can't yet. I want to be motivated to go out and try new things but whenever I do it makes me feel worse. Everytime I go out to the bars I just come back home lonely and sad and missing him. I know that one day I'll look back and smile at all of the good times. I will always care about him and I will never regret being with him. Heck, I'd do it all over again even knowing that one day he will unintentionally break my heart. Any insight would be helpful. Like I said, I'm doing much, much better, but today is a sad day because it's Halloween and I've been scrambling to make plans with friends when I'm usually just used to doing something with him.
KatZee Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I know this situation really sucks because I've been there, and after almost three years my boyfriend also pulled the, "Something's missing, I'm not sure, I need to be single" BS and I come to find out he's dating someone very soon thereafter. I know he met her while he was with me, and I'm willing to bet your boyfriend met this girl before he officially dumped you as well. Whatever he told you before ending it was not the truth, you got lines that came directly out of the Dumper's Handbook. However perfect you thought your relationship was, he clearly didn't feel the same way. This was the issue with my ex as well. Whereas I thought we had something great, he was not communicating with me and being honest with his own feelings until he just dumped me. You also need to realize he checked out before he officially ended it as well, and he wound up leaving you for someone else. People that do this aren't worth dwelling over, or idealizing. He took the cowards way out and I guarantee whatever he's in right now, won't last. It's a very clear rebound onto what he thinks is "better" than what you two had. I also know it's hard to go out and be social and do things without him, but really, FORCE yourself to. Take this opportunity to get out there and do things you couldn't do because you were too busy focused on him, or you two together. Try to find new passions, new interests, and new hobbies. If you don't feel like going out? Get dressed up and push yourself anyway. That's what I did, and I was over my douchebag ex in 6-7 months. I guarantee you will as well, but ONLY if you take steps to move on. 3
Author girlwithabrokenheart Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I also know it's hard to go out and be social and do things without him, but really, FORCE yourself to. Take this opportunity to get out there and do things you couldn't do because you were too busy focused on him, or you two together. Try to find new passions, new interests, and new hobbies. If you don't feel like going out? Get dressed up and push yourself anyway. That's what I did, and I was over my douchebag ex in 6-7 months. I guarantee you will as well, but ONLY if you take steps to move on. I want to go out and try new things but it's so hard. I like going to the gym and working out but I haven't been able to because it's something that we always did together and it hurts me to go. I just never though that breaking up would be so hard to deal with. It would be easier to come to terms with if I wasn't so blindsided. This is my first long-term relationship break up. We met when we were 19 and now we are 22, so I know that I'm young, but I just can't imagine my life with any other guy. I feel like I will always compare guys to him. I just need to realize that what I felt towards my ex was 3 years of history, feelings, and love. Once upon a time, we were two strangers with attraction and a connection. I just need to remember that when the next guy comes along- it takes time to build a foundation. I'm also scared I won't find anyone else again. How do I meet people after college? It just seems so adult-like to me lol. I'm not sure what an "adult" relationship is like, I'm used to dorm rooms, drunken sleep-overs, and care-free fun. But I guess it's all a part of growing up
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I know this situation really sucks because I've been there, and after almost three years my boyfriend also pulled the, "Something's missing, I'm not sure, I need to be single" BS and I come to find out he's dating someone very soon thereafter. I know he met her while he was with me, and I'm willing to bet your boyfriend met this girl before he officially dumped you as well. Whatever he told you before ending it was not the truth, you got lines that came directly out of the Dumper's Handbook. However perfect you thought your relationship was, he clearly didn't feel the same way. This was the issue with my ex as well. Whereas I thought we had something great, he was not communicating with me and being honest with his own feelings until he just dumped me. You also need to realize he checked out before he officially ended it as well, and he wound up leaving you for someone else. People that do this aren't worth dwelling over, or idealizing. He took the cowards way out and I guarantee whatever he's in right now, won't last. It's a very clear rebound onto what he thinks is "better" than what you two had. I also know it's hard to go out and be social and do things without him, but really, FORCE yourself to. Take this opportunity to get out there and do things you couldn't do because you were too busy focused on him, or you two together. Try to find new passions, new interests, and new hobbies. If you don't feel like going out? Get dressed up and push yourself anyway. That's what I did, and I was over my douchebag ex in 6-7 months. I guarantee you will as well, but ONLY if you take steps to move on. This is the scary realization, I'm afraid. Some people will stay with you until the laaaast minute to make up their minds about you... while they're 100% committed, while then 80% and while their interest and commitment continues to drop... to 65%, to 40% then one day you just drop below threshold and BOOK. Break up bomb. As for the coward's way out. It could have been worse, he could have cheated. My advice is to pretend he actually TOLD you that he met someone else and was leaving for her, so as to make you healing easier. But at the end of the day, he left whether for her or not but he's gone, at least for now. I know it's hard, sorry
KatZee Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 But I guess it's all a part of growing up Exxaccctly. That's how you have to go through with the breakup. It's all part of growing up and growing as a person and learning and evolving into a new person. And at 22, you're TOTALLY going to meet other guys, and you're going to date other guys, and you're going to love other guys. Trust me, lol. And I know this is crazy to comprehend right now, but I've been where you are, you just haven't been where I am yet, but one day you're going to be in love with someone else, you're going to look back and you're going to wonder how you ever thought you'd spend the rest of your life with him. I look back on my first love, and we NEVEEEERRRR would have made it to marriage. Back then I thought we'd be married, now I'm like... wow we're totally two different people. I fell in love after that guy, and now I look back on THAT guy and I'm like... ugh what the hell did I ever see in HIM??!? Now I'm 29 and single, and loving it. Once you're single, and happy, and having the time of your life, you're not even going to want to settle down with anyone! lol.
Sugarkane Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Lol theyre never sure what exactly "is missing" but apparently this mythical feeling is enough to give up on someone. I know this situation really sucks because I've been there, and after almost three years my boyfriend also pulled the, "Something's missing, I'm not sure, I need to be single" BS and I come to find out he's dating someone very soon thereafter. I know he met her while he was with me, and I'm willing to bet your boyfriend met this girl before he officially dumped you as well. Whatever he told you before ending it was not the truth, you got lines that came directly out of the Dumper's Handbook. However perfect you thought your relationship was, he clearly didn't feel the same way. This was the issue with my ex as well. Whereas I thought we had something great, he was not communicating with me and being honest with his own feelings until he just dumped me. You also need to realize he checked out before he officially ended it as well, and he wound up leaving you for someone else. People that do this aren't worth dwelling over, or idealizing. He took the cowards way out and I guarantee whatever he's in right now, won't last. It's a very clear rebound onto what he thinks is "better" than what you two had. I also know it's hard to go out and be social and do things without him, but really, FORCE yourself to. Take this opportunity to get out there and do things you couldn't do because you were too busy focused on him, or you two together. Try to find new passions, new interests, and new hobbies. If you don't feel like going out? Get dressed up and push yourself anyway. That's what I did, and I was over my douchebag ex in 6-7 months. I guarantee you will as well, but ONLY if you take steps to move on.
KatZee Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Lol theyre never sure what exactly "is missing" but apparently this mythical feeling is enough to give up on someone. Lol, whatever. I'm not crying over it. Actually, the best gift he ever gave me was dumping me. So thank God for his mythical feelings, lmao. 3
Author girlwithabrokenheart Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks for all of the support, it means a lot. I know exactly what I need to do, but things are much easier said than done. But, I do admit, I did kinda lose myself while in the relationship. I forgot who I was as an individual, I just got so caught up in the two of us that I forgot that I am my own person. I was too emotionally attached. But, I guess that was my own fault and now I'm paying for it. It's a lot harder to move on when I lost a lot of my friends because of my relationship and neglected to make a lot of new ones because I always did things with him. Rookie mistake lol
Author girlwithabrokenheart Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Lol theyre never sure what exactly "is missing" but apparently this mythical feeling is enough to give up on someone. Isn't that crazy?! I just never thought he would do this to me. He always said "There are 40,000 people on this campus and I'm with you." We had so many plans, I just don't get it. But oh well, better it happen now then a few years down the road with an apartment together and possibly kids.
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Isn't that crazy?! I just never thought he would do this to me. He always said "There are 40,000 people on this campus and I'm with you." We had so many plans, I just don't get it. But oh well, better it happen now then a few years down the road with an apartment together and possibly kids. Something "missing" is usually: 1.) the "butterflies in the tummy", ooey-gooey "in love" feeling 2.) the coward's way of saying "we're not compatible" 3.) the coward's way of excusing themselves so they can explore and experiment All three are bullsh*t. Well, 2 is more legitimate, but what ever happened to honesty? More often than not I find that it is 1. Many people are under the false assumption that you're always supposed to feel this "spark" of attraction. They long for the euphoric excitement of the "honeymoon period" because they are unaware of how love changes and grows as the relationship goes on. Their love is based on expectation, not reality. There is nothing you can do for these people. We will either learn, or they will end up in a relationship with high sexual chemistry...expecting it to feel that way all the time, and then they'll contribute to the divorce statistic when the feeling eventually fades. It's one most of these people end up finding somebody very quickly even if they claimed that they just needed time alone. They simply cannot control their impulse to follow sexual chemistry, even if it is destructive or hypocritical. Some people are completely controlled by the reptilian part of their brain. They can't break free of the stupid spell of nature. Best to not spend too much time thinking about these people. They obviously don't put too much thought into how they live their lives themselves. 3
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Lol theyre never sure what exactly "is missing" but apparently this mythical feeling is enough to give up on someone. It happens to all of us at some point, it seems. I felt that something was missing or off with my last relationship, but I stuck with it and realized just a month later that I was being incredibly stupid. I loved that girl, it just took me a little while to appreciate that the relationship was evolving. Just as I came to this realization that I definitely wanted to be with her, she began to feel that something was off or missing. She eventually decided that it was the feeling of the "romantic connection" and dumped me immediately. Some people are just very quick to quit. I guess they just assume you're always supposed to feel exactly the way you expect to feel without the tiniest bit of effort. 1
Author girlwithabrokenheart Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 It happens to all of us at some point, it seems. I felt that something was missing or off with my last relationship, but I stuck with it and realized just a month later that I was being incredibly stupid. I loved that girl, it just took me a little while to appreciate that the relationship was evolving. I always thought he would be able to push through that feeling as well. I think he gave up a little too soon. That's what's so painful. It hurts me to think that he just gave up that easily. 1
Never Again Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I always thought he would be able to push through that feeling as well. I think he gave up a little too soon. That's what's so painful. It hurts me to think that he just gave up that easily. Trust me I understand. I'm 30 and the girl I was dating is 27. I was under the impression that she was mature enough to understand what was going on, or at least trusted me enough to talk to me about the issue before it was too late. However, I think most dumpees feel that the dumpers gave up too soon. It sort of goes along with being rejected. That being said, my personal philosophy is as follows: If I haven't given it 100% of my effort for at least a little while, then it is worth at least a little bit more of my time. How I feel in this moment is not nearly as important as how I could feel in the long term if I put my back into it. 1
h0000 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 "something's missing" could mean the spark is gone but I think in your case it's crystal clear that he doesnt have the balls to tell you the truth: "I have feelings for someone else". And that's why he gave up so soon. He doesn't even want to fight for your relationship, he doesnt want you, he wants to be with another girl. If he wanted you he definitely would fight. He left you for another girl. I would curse him if I were you
aybc123 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 OP, your ex got GIGs, read the stickied thread about it. It basically happens when someone finds themselves in their first long term committed post honeymoon phase relationship and freak out about having never been with anyone else or seen what other relationships are like. Not really his fault, definitely not yours. The fact that he is in a relationship 3 weeks later is pretty irrelevant he was probably checking out of the relationship several months before you broke up, but was still weighing up what to do, whether he still loved you etc. It also doesnt mean he cheated on you or defintiely knew this girl before he broke up, he may have done, he may not, but there are a lot of bitter people on this site so take their facts with a pinch of salt. Either way when he said he wanted to be single what he actually meant was, i want to try something else. I also dont think it means youre second choice, how is he meant to discover how amazing you are if he has nothing to base it off? Speaking from a guy who has had GIGs before.
h0000 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Its not only just GIGS problems.98% people have experienced more than one relationships which means 98% of first relationships die. as hard as it feels, let it go. You guys wont get married or anything anyway. how many people marry their first partner? 2%.
Author girlwithabrokenheart Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Its not only just GIGS problems.98% people have experienced more than one relationships which means 98% of first relationships die. as hard as it feels, let it go. You guys wont get married or anything anyway. how many people marry their first partner? 2%. We went each other's first partners, he had girlfriends in high school. We were each other's first loves.
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