Situation involving his ex, which lead me to break up with him rashly.....

[Tigerlily1985]

Hi Guys,

 

My first time on here, you all seem to be really helpful and have love problems of your own, and I hope to help some of you out in return for reading this long story!

 

I met a friend of a friend at a party a few months back and we hit it off straight away. Im 29 and he's 40...we started dating and since then we have spent a lot of time together (unless his work get in the way as he does work a lot) and we get on so well, share the same dreams...he told me he loves me and can see a future with me and I felt the same.... It was going so, so well, and in so many ways we are totally compatible.

 

There is something that started to bother me after around 2 months and last week, after being as understanding as I could and "pretending" to not have a problem for some time, I just let it all out....

 

You see, about 4 years before me he was in a 9 year relationship with a woman, which ended because she dumped him as she had a crush on someone else. He says they had become more like "friends" in the end, however he was still really really cut up about it. He has said that it took him 2 years and a lot of soul searching to get over her. She has had a few boyfriends since and is still very much part of my boyfriends life.

 

They meet up for lunch etc every few weeks, and the longer I have been with this man I have come to realise that they regularly (2 or 3 times a week) skype or have fairly long chats on the phone, and they text every day to second day.

 

She doesn't live far from him and he recently announced that he had agreed, in a long skype call, to look after her new puppy for a couple of weeks....

 

He insists that they are just "close friends", that he doesn't fancy her or feel that way about her, and that I should have no problem with this. The night i "let rip" I had been bubbling up inside for a good few weeks, feeling like i had to broach the issue. We were walking through the park on our way to meet friends and he said "XXX was telling me on Skype that her boyfriend is upset 'cos she keeps calling him by my name!". He seemed to think this was funny and i got the impression the pair of them found it amusing together. I basically burst into tears and told him how I felt.

 

I told him I felt insecure, jealous (and I am not by nature like this) and very intimated by his closeness to her. He was quite defensive and said she is like his sister and nothing between them will change, and that I really have nothing to worry about....she is just a good friend. He does have other female friends but she is the only on that bothers me. He said "How come she is happy for me for meeting you, but you can't be happy I managed to stay friends with someone who means a lot to me"..... Like I am some jealous little girl. I tried to explain it is not the same... she is having her cake and eating it in that she doesnt fancy my boyfriend any more but she still has his loyalty and all the bits she wants....and not the bits she doesnt want. He just repeated that they are just good friends and I should not worry about it...and he thinks I need a "chill pill".

 

Up until this night I had done a very good job of keeping my feelings to myself....but for some reason it all came out.

 

I must make it clear, he has been a wonderful boyfriend to me apart from this problem. He helps me, shows me affection, keeps in touch, doesn't let me down, makes me laugh etc etc..... but for some reason I just cannot get past this deep friendship with a woman he was so cut up about.

 

I muddled through the evening with friends and we went home and to bed, next day I got up really early and went to work. I felt worse than ever about it and tried speaking to him a couple of days later. He said that they ended up more as friends in their relationship and that is why they are still friends. He said he wants to be with me and not her, and that he can see himself having kids etc with me....but he will not give up his friendship. I explained that I never asked him to give her up, but the fact that he was so defensive about it hurt me........so I felt actually a little bit worse.

 

Everything went quiet for a couple of days , him working, me soul searching.....I really tried to think what to do for the best. I absolutely adore this man and if it wasnt for his ex things would be perfect. I know how much it has made me feel uncomfortable....and this horrible niggling jealousy....and sometimes if he mentions her more than once I feel angry with him. I decided this was not a healthy place for me to be in mentally, and after speaking to a couple of friends (and probably just telling them side of the story to be honest) I decided that although I love this man, I will never be happy as long as his ex is around.

 

I called him after work and said , basically, that I was sorry, that I adore him and wish things could be different....but that his friendship with his ex made me feel uncomfortable and jealous, and that I do not want to be that jealous girlfriend. I said "I think you need someone else, who is a bigger person than me". I was very emotional and he got pretty frustrated. He just kept saying that he could not believe I was ending things over a friendship, and that he does not understand what my problem is.....He was upset and angry. I

 

It broke my heart, I was so upset and still am. I am going to miss him so much.... but I am someone who really struggles with the idea of my partner having a close, deep bond with his ex that I do not yet have.

 

He text me last night asking me if I thought what I had done was fair to him, and if I was sure i had made the right choice. I replied that I was so sorry to cause him stress, and that he has not done anything wrong, but that I don't realistically think I can be cool with his ex and his relationship. He just doesn't understand.

 

I really feel that he does not have any sexual feelings for this woman any more, and he has very little family in his life. However he does have many other close and long term friends. The thing that upsets me is that she is his best friend, and has such a deep bond with him.....and it makes me feel so sad, insignificant and distanced from him.

 

I ended things quite rashly after getting myself all upset... and I want nothing more than to see him now. I did not end things because I stopped loving or caring for him..... I just thought "this is going to make me feel like **** forever, rightly or wrongly, and I have to walk away".

 

I do not know what to do now. Leave him be, or maybe try and work on myself and my own confidence and ask him if he would like to try again... I want to be with him.... I just wish I didn't have to put up with their special friendship.

 

What would you guys do.....I miss him a lot and I know I have hurt him in ending things the way I did.

 

Thanks xx

Edited October 31, 2013 by Tigerlily1985

[lindsay1990]

I can't say that you're right or wrong about their friendship, about its true nature or its extent or intensity.

 

But I can tell you that I (personally) think you're right in breaking up if (1) he's not willing to let up, and (2) you aren't willing to make your peace with it.

 

I don't think (again this is just my opinion) that it's fair for someone to have to compete with ex's ghosts. I figure that if a relationship is serious enough to discuss living together, marrying, etc. the two people should be EACH OTHER'S CLOSEST friends, and other friends should not be that intimate or reliant.

 

I (again, personally) would feel that he is settling somehow for keeping her in his life instead of not having her at all and it's up to every person in their particular case to figure out if this is how they feel. Like I said, you may be wrong or right, but the fact is it makes you uncomfortable and it is not like ooooooout there in space crazy, irrational.

 

It may not be the most mature thing to feel, but it's definitely not some irrational out-of-no where jealousy. So the question isn't whether it was wrong to break up, because if you can't deal with it, then breaking up was the right thing because it will only get worse.

[Tigerlily1985]

Thanks so much. You seem to totally understand...I was worried I would come over as a complete jealous nut.

 

The problem is nobody is in the wrong...... he has a right to be friends with whomever he wants. But I have the right to expect to be the most important friend in his life. And she may always get in the way.

 

I am glad you said it's not outer space, crazy jealousy. I will admit that I am jealous of her....9 years is a long time and it took him 2 years to get over her. I believe there is such a thing as rational, normal jealousy....and i have tried to tell him that many women would find their friendship uncomfortable.... He can't see it. He says it would be sad to throw all those 9 years away and he wishes I could be her friend too. I DONT WANT TO BE HER FRIEND!! Does that make me nasty?

 

I do believe it is platonic with this ex....and that his romantic/sexual feelings are for me. I also believe that he does/did see a future with me and is really upset at what I have done.

 

I am gutted, I wish I could make my peace with it. Maybe after some time apart I will miss him so much I will realise it is worth accepting their friendship....at the moment I just feel devastated and confused....

 

Thanks for your response. x

Edited October 31, 2013 by Tigerlily1985

[lindsay1990]

Well, when I say irrational I mean like just some woman from work who called him for example. Or him hanging out with sister. Or something really crazy.

 

But here you have reason to feel uncomfortable, after all, it is a LOT of baggage to deal with, a 9 year romantic relationship turned super close friends? It doesn't matter if they are nothing but friends now, or if other women would be uncomfortable because he is a free man and as long as he isn't cheating, he does nothing wrong in placing or cultivating his platonic affections in any way he sees fit, so again, the issue is if this is something YOU personally would want to *feel* you are competing with.

 

I say 'feel' because at the end of the day, it is so subjective that there is no one righ tor wrong, but a matter of comfort and of boundaries.

 

Let him think about it. After all you didn't ask him to cut her out of his life, maybe he will be willing to instate some boundaries. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL HIM THIS, he can reach this conclusion on his own. But, for what it's worth, my personal biased opinion is that it's easier about the person than the principle.

[Tigerlily1985]

it's easier about the person than the principle.

 

Can you tell me what that means in idiot speak please?! Do you mean, it's not really about him but my principles?

 

Thanks.....Yes, nobody is wrong and it is all horribly subjective. hence my confusion......

 

Maybe time will tell. Either I will miss him so much I give in.... or he will think about things and see things from my perspective a little....or he wont. x

[CaliBabe]

I think that you should come first. If you feel insecure he should be able to drop her as you are his priority. You made the right choice. If he were to drop her from his life for you, then I think you should consider giving things another go.

[lindsay1990]

Can you tell me what that means in idiot speak please?! Do you mean, it's not really about him but my principles?

x

 

I just meant that it's not unlikely that in this case it's more about Her than it is about you "controlling him".

 

Like I said, personal biased opinion. He shouldn't have to do what you say, but if he cares for you, he should definitely accommodate you and to some degree reframe his relationship with his ex, in a way that gives you peace of mind.

Edited October 31, 2013 by lindsay1990
Word.

[NoLeafClover]

There isn't one thing you said that I can't relate. I would not be able to have a healthy relationship knowing my gf is tight with her ex let alone all up her @$$.

 

Do not fall for the "I can't believe you're breaking up because of a friendship"

Any normal human being knows it's not okay to be all buddy buddy with an ex. There is a reason they are ex's. You don't have to be enemies with your ex, I understand that some relationships end and people stay as friends but when people get in new relationships the ex has to be put to the side.

 

I don't doubt that this man has feelings for you or that he doesn't care about you and this relationship but He is not being understanding and he is not willing to "Take a chill pill" on his end if he cares about you.

 

I agree with you 100% and I am usually bias to this things since I am usually sticking for the guys but I support you on this decision 100%.

 

You have every right especially after seeing his response. He is not even willing to put a fight for you or back off a little on the contact with his ex.

 

Don't be harsh on this decision. If you go back and give it another try without him even saying he will try to back off, then it's like saying that "you've accepted that she's in the picture" and he can do whatever he wants and you'd have to be okay with that.

[toolforgrowth]

I completely understand your point of view.

 

After my ex wife and I separated and she was knee deep in her affair, I started seeing a woman I knew in high school many many years ago. We quickly fell for each other and things were great...except that she still lived with her ex. She told me they have separate rooms (which they did) and that they don't don't sleep together (which they didn't), but she couldn't cut the cord. She still did his laundry, cooked him meals, and always seemed to put him first.

 

I put up with this for over a year before I finally had enough. I refuse to play second fiddle to anyone. If she wants to stay there, fine. To my knowledge, she still is, although it's been about 6 weeks since I last spoke with her. I still get breadcrumbs from her on occasion but I ignore them. I will not allow her to be a part of my life anymore. She made her choice and it wasn't me. I accept that.

 

I too didnt ask her to leave or give her an ultimatum, but over the months I told her many times that I didn't know how much longer I could tolerate it u too one day I finally had enough and walked away.

 

The next woman I dated after that ended up dumping me to get back together with an ex. They now live together.

 

Because of that, I will NEVER date a woman who has an ex in her life in any major capacity. I deal with my ex wife regarding the administration of our daughter, and that's it. So a situation like that, I could understand. Otherwise, she is gone from my life, just like all my other exes are, including this one.

 

You didn't feel comfortable in that relationship. That's the bottom line. And you are perfectly within your rights to feel that way. You are not alone, and I completely understand.

 

So sorry this happened to you too.

[lindsay1990]

Where are all the guys that cut their exes gfs/ex crushes/ex loves out of their lives, instead of making them their "best friends"?

[toolforgrowth]

I don't understand how people can be best friends with their exes. If the yea t to, that's their choice. But I know I would never date a woman who did ever again, for this very reason.

 

I'd rather leave with my pride and dignity intact. Plenty of fish in the sea. Let them keep what it is they truly wanted while I exit stage left.

[Tigerlily1985]

I don't know, where have they gone?! I find it very unnecessary. What are they clingling on to when they have other friends?

 

Sounds like some of you have learned from some bad experiences. I thank you for your advice and support.

[toolforgrowth]

I think we all know what it is they're clinging on to.

[todreaminblue]

i have a close friendship with my ex and i have a friendship with another which i smore altrusitic and matyrish in nature he sleeps on my couch the guy i dated wasnt too impressed with that.....dont blame him really....he was a bit pushy anyway......

 

so ill try to look at it by your guys perspective for you as well as yours i am good at splitting so ...here goes

 

 

i am friends with my exes because they know me......i have a strong bond with one because i was with him for fifteen years he put up with all of me...he woudl actually treat the different sides of em differently and he understood exactly how to talk to me.....what other guy woudl do that not many........he might have been a raging cheat ...i honestly dont blame him...makes em a bit teary actually ok i am emotional have my period......

 

but he would touch the heart of me no guy really does this most just hurt her...he still talks to the heart of me....he is the only oen that does......our relationship therefore is not in any way sexual.......he is soothing to my heart.....he i salso protective and i think i need that......

 

not sayign yrou guy i sa muliple perosnality i am tryign to give perpective......that when you have a bond...mien is rare...but if you have a bond with an ex its more about that person knows you...my ex is with someone else...he doesnt want me to be alone......and i have his children.....who i have to raise......he is going to be disappointed in me......long story tryign to focus.....

 

 

i full understand your view point.......you dont want to share your guy with someone else.....i think it would be easier if you knew th eex maybe had conversations with her...most people would find this too hard......jealousy is normal.....

 

if i were to get ina relationship i know that guy will be the one to touch the heart of me......to be my new best friend someone i was safe to be myself with soemoen who wouldtn cheat on me who coudl stand by me through it all ....and i woudl devote myself to him......i would still have to contact my ex but i woudl do it in a way that he was comfortable with......because hwoever much i have a bodn with my ex....my ex did abandon me(dotn blame him) and th eguy who was willing to stick by me and lvoe em regardless of the fact soemtimes i am childish and need him to understand who that child is and be very gentle with her...no one has been gentle since my ex......in fact someone got close......but i was wrong......and he had no idea who he was talking to ....treated my heart pretty poorly.....my ex would have known and been comforting ....but that comes with knowledge..my ex would say hey baby.......i love you.....his voice would change and he knew exactly what to say he never ridiculed or hurt that part of me.... ...normally this part of me comes out when i really feel for someone and the heart wants what th eheart wants.........i want to reach out adn satisfy my hearty.....and yeah ....gets stabbed.....because all she ever does is f ucking apologise for being affectionate.......does that make sense....nah ...yes it does....to me it does and my ex would never hurt her..my heart i mean when i allowed my heart to speak and that lifted my hear to thave a guy do that ..and he still does....thank god......i think i would die otherwise.....peopel are cruel

 

what i am trying to say is yes you are right your partner should be yours in total every part fo them should be with you.....yours no one elses....and for me .....this isnt going to happen i feel......no guy is going to understand me and if i tell them they will just think i am crazy adn crazy means a hot root that he can shove his hand down my top and turn on...doesnt happen......maybe....who knows i am startign to date and doing everythign different..i think its time i relaize my heart ios not goign to make it.......i sort of give up tryin gto let my heart speak it gives me massive headaches doing damage control.......... i dotn think i hav e aright to expect any guy to understand me so my ex is important.....i am a bit sad about that

 

stand your ground....you have done the right thing...the partner you are with si the one you should have no doubts about...he should give up his ex for you...then that is commitment to you its shows you thatyou are th eoen he needs to eb with....not hsi ex......stand true friend......you should be his closet friend...the person he turns to ....only you should have his whole heart...sorry about the mess....i am hormonal...i wish you much love and happiness......from my heart......chin up.........stand true....deb

Edited October 31, 2013 by todreaminblue