Confusion_Reigns Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 The temptation is great…and he is purposefully tantalizing me…and…I am enjoying it....The lines have been crossed, not all the lines but enough to say that I’ve crossed my own lines. No sex, no touching….but close…very close. I’m not sure what I’m doing or why I’m doing it…other than it feels right. *THIS* feels right on so many levels. With the one huge glaring exception that I’m not single. Please talk to me about why a single man would want to spend time with a married woman? Tell me why he’s so interested in me. Is it conquest? Is it love? Is it desire? Could it be…real? Any MW out there want to comment? Or anyone really…I appreciate all comments. (good-bad-ugly…but not hateful, please)
underwater2010 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 A. Because he can B. It is a major ego stroke that he can get your attention from your husband. But I think the better question is what are you getting from this? Why are you capable of crossing these boundaries? And why is this an option instead of divorce? 5
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Yes. Because he can and because its an ego thing. Yes. I get it. I do. 1
RickFox Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Yes. Because he can and because its an ego thing. Yes. I get it. I do. because he can hit it and quit it. there is no commitment for him and he can move on whenever he feels like it. very small chance he's in love..... not this early 3
stillafool Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Yes. Because he can and because its an ego thing. Yes. I get it. I do. Why are you allowing him to take attention away from your husband and marriage? That is a better question you should be asking yourself instead of why he has interest in you. He is doing this because he can "hit it and quit it" without having to do any work. You are also stroking his ego that you would disrespect your own husband to be with him. Please don't think this guy is somehow in love with you because he isn't. Why are you involved?
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 because he can hit it and quit it. there is no commitment for him and he can move on whenever he feels like it. very small chance he's in love..... not this early This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ In many ways it's actually easier to bang married women than single women. Many married women may be mostly happy and content in their marriage and home life but have lost some of the thrill and excitement that a new man can bring and they are actually more responsive to a man's flirtations and seductions. And as Rickfox has noted, married women are easier to walk away from after the sex. Most married women are not going to want to "date' and be courted by a man like a single woman would. So the bottom line to your question as to "why?" it is because he wants to tap that and then move on and he is picking up 'game-on!' signals from you that you want to tap that too.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 That's and important thought. WHY am I doing this? Why can I do this? How is this ok for me to do? ...and I am working on answering these for myself. Understanding this whole thing. I keep coming back to the idea that I couldn't possibly love my husband as I should........
Journee Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 (edited) I'll say for me there are have been many times that single men have approached me with interest. Even while I was pregnant single men acted as though they wanted to rescue me. We were separated during my last pregnancy. I never took them seriously as I think they thought I would be vulnerable to their interest and give them a little. MM too. Being certain that my separation made me easy pickins. MM came on the strongest. Wrong. It could be about opportunity and your eagerness turns him on. I thinks lots of people can become open to situations like this if they are not careful. Especially if they are taking their spouse for granted. Maybe not intentionally but it is happening. You start to talk yourself out of love with your spouse. Thinking that the grass is greener. That good men are everywhere. Falling off of trees and the AP is one of them. Then comes a DDay and your spouse all of a sudden looks so much better than before. You realize that your H could make many women very happy and his discovery has made him realize that too. Now what? Is single OM going to be there in the long run? Or your H that loves you even as you direct attention to someone else? I do not know the state of your marriage or how you are feeling toward your husband. Is he a good man? A good partner to you? If not ,would you mind sharing some of the issues you have? You are not so far in that it is too late to turn this around if you would like? The grass is likely not greener. Some A's do work out but I'm just wanting to get a feel for what is going on in your M and in your head. Edited October 31, 2013 by Journee Auto correct! 2
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I've been planning on leaving my husband anyway. I have a back story on LS if you care to look at it. Past abuse, verbal/physical...him cheating, etc...I don't want to get into it all again...but my husband and I are talking divorce...have been for a long-long time...but more seriously lately, like in the last year. He's agreed to move out but won't actually move. He's trying to 'win me back' but...sigh...I'm just not sure. I believe that once I get comfortable again, well, he's going to revert right back to that a'hole guy. then I met this new guy...about 6 mo's ago...and...it's RIGHT but it's not right, right now. He knows this too and that's why there hasn't been anything further than talking and hugging and such...but on my goodness...he just takes my breath away! but I just don't know if he's for real...or could even be real...but I doubt so much...because of my own history...I just have a very hard time believing...in any man really. so... Yes, I've had plenty of male interest directed at me over the years...and none of them have ever turned my head...but this man...is something very different than what I've known...
Journee Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I have experienced much of what you speak of in my M with my WH also. I can totally relate and feel that if I am not vigilant will be ripe for this type of situation as well. I think Spinner hit the nail on the head. Go forward with the D if you are not happy and want to move on with your life. Get through that process and see where this may take you with your single friend. He does not have to be an OM he can just be a man. If you are sure that no amount of work and MC can bring you back to a place where you need to be with your H then maybe moving on is best. You say that your H is now trying. Do you believe his efforts are sincere? Maybe you have reached a point where that doesn't even matter anymore and I get that. Believe me I do. I would just hate to see you cross a line that you may not be ready for if you can avoid it. If OM is worth it, he will know you are worth it too.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I'm just in a very strange place in my life. At a crossroads. One side is everything I've ever known and I understand that side. The other side is, well, very different than what I've ever experienced and I don't understand it much. Sometimes I catch myself thinking those "better the devil you know than the one you don't" type of thoughts and think NO WAY is this guy for real. Nope, no man is like that. But it's not right to judge him (or other guys) on my bad experiences. You're both right tho...I have to wait. He has to wait. If this is worth it then the waiting will be ok. If it's not then he'll get sick of me and move on....and I'll know. Right? I know enough about affairs now that I know starting this way is probably not the best idea. I don't want him to think I'm just some easy floosy, lol...that I do this sort of thing. Or have done this before....and honestly, I don't want to ruin a good thing. We are good friends right now, and I don't want to ruin that. If I'm not straight in my life...and he see's this...how is he going to trust me long term... and then I think...whatever....it doesn't truly matter because he's only trying to play me...doubt is a killer. Is there hope for me and my husband? Every day that he lets go by without doing what he needs to do is a day closer to the end. He knows where I'm at, he knows what he has to do...I'm not a women who is ever going to nag, bitch and moan...no, he knows I don't need to treat him like a child. He knows what he needs to do. Yes, this has been spelled out very clearly to him. GO TO IC. for himself and get himself right and healthy inside. I'm thinking that this is too much for him to do. I'm thinking that the only way he's going to do that is when I good and gone. THEN he'll be all about doing what he needs to do to get me back. But as it is now, I wait...but not much longer. I just can't keep waiting on him.
Journee Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I'm just in a very strange place in my life. At a crossroads. One side is everything I've ever known and I understand that side. The other side is, well, very different than what I've ever experienced and I don't understand it much. Sometimes I catch myself thinking those "better the devil you know than the one you don't" type of thoughts and think NO WAY is this guy for real. Nope, no man is like that. But it's not right to judge him (or other guys) on my bad experiences. You're both right tho...I have to wait. He has to wait. If this is worth it then the waiting will be ok. If it's not then he'll get sick of me and move on....and I'll know. Right? I know enough about affairs now that I know starting this way is probably not the best idea. I don't want him to think I'm just some easy floosy, lol...that I do this sort of thing. Or have done this before....and honestly, I don't want to ruin a good thing. We are good friends right now, and I don't want to ruin that. If I'm not straight in my life...and he see's this...how is he going to trust me long term... and then I think...whatever....it doesn't truly matter because he's only trying to play me...doubt is a killer. Is there hope for me and my husband? Every day that he lets go by without doing what he needs to do is a day closer to the end. He knows where I'm at, he knows what he has to do...I'm not a women who is ever going to nag, bitch and moan...no, he knows I don't need to treat him like a child. He knows what he needs to do. Yes, this has been spelled out very clearly to him. GO TO IC. for himself and get himself right and healthy inside. I'm thinking that this is too much for him to do. I'm thinking that the only way he's going to do that is when I good and gone. THEN he'll be all about doing what he needs to do to get me back. But as it is now, I wait...but not much longer. I just can't keep waiting on him. Oh boy, do I understand this. I really do. This isn't coming from place of judgement as I have thought everything that you have. I get you. I just would hate to see you turn to the type of behavior that has hurt you in life. You have been a BS. You know the emotions that go along with that. You understand the pain and torment that can accompany discovery. I know your H has done some very hurtful things in your time with him. Don't turn to his faulty coping skills and make them your own now. Also don't cheapen what you can find after divorce. It's a scary thought. I wrestle with it too. Right along side of the " devil you know" comment. I really understand this. Because you just never know, do you? The unknown. I know you said that your H knows what he needs to do but is not acting. I know you also said you were not the type to nag. I don't think stating your concerns and conditions after betrayals and physical abuse have occurred is nagging. I hope that you feel safe enough to bring up your concerns. I hope that is not something holding you back. Are you in IC? Maybe a counselor would have a plan of action suggestion in this situation for you. Not just for your D but for yourself.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I was mistaken, I met him in Jan of this year...so it's been about 10 mo's that I've known him. I don't want to be a MW. So I wont. That's all there is to it. THIS part of this friendship is over. I'm thinking on what's been said here. I appreciate this, esp from the men...it helps me 'see' a bit clearer. Just a bit..and I hope this clarity lasts....I know he's going to contact me again...and I know he's going to want to visit with me again..and it's going to be hard to tell him no. But I'm going to have to tell him no. That this isn't the right way for me to be. I know he will understand and accept this from me. I'm sure he'll still want to try to maintain this friendship...but I think it will fade over time...or maybe I'm just afraid it will fade over time. and you know what? This just literally sucks all the way around. Even as I type this I can feel the sadness of not seeing him again and not hanging out and not talking and laughing together....and what is left after his smile is gone from my life? Well, just my life. That I need to deal with. One way or the other.
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Get your D finalized before starting anything else! No need to stay the victim to your abuser! Get out! It doesn't matter if the other guy is interested. You'll find out if his intentions are real when you become divorced!
cozycottagelg Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 As a MW, who wants out of her marriage but can't seem to get there, I get these feelings. I am not in your exact situation as there is nobody else on the horizon... But if I'm being honest with myself and with this post...it would be a hell of a lot easier to go out and cheat than to tell my husband I'm done forever. When I read people saying "why wouldn't it just be easier to divorce"...um, I haven't cheated or been divorced, but I can't tell you, I could go to a bar or anywhere and probably find someone to hook up with, way easier than I could sit with my husband, tell him I'm done, go over finances, talk about custody, move out, find an apartment, make ends meet...I mean, if we are talking "ease"....one clearly outweighs the other. Until one is caught cheating..which from everything I've read here is NEVER good and never goes well.... But sex...sex is a lot easier than divorce. I wouldn't do it though...just saying I understand your thought process.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I know you said that your H knows what he needs to do but is not acting. I know you also said you were not the type to nag. I don't think stating your concerns and conditions after betrayals and physical abuse have occurred is nagging. I hope that you feel safe enough to bring up your concerns. I hope that is not something holding you back. Are you in IC? Maybe a counselor would have a plan of action suggestion in this situation for you. Not just for your D but for yourself. I am not in IC now, I have been in the past. H will not go to IC now or ever as he says "I'm not broken" and that's that. I have stated my concerns and he has heard them. Idk, maybe I'm wrong but I don't think I should have to change this part of myself to get thru to him. Should I have to be a woman who nags or bitches? Why? Why should I have to include this type of drama in my life...live in a way I don't wish to live...be a woman I don't wish to be...just to get him to follow thru with action?
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Stop playing the victim. Ask yourself one question - how can I make this different = it's up to you to take action to change it!
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 I am taking actions. I have been taking actions for a while now. He knows where I'm at and it's up to him to step up or shut up and get out. How long do I wait for him to act? I guess I'll know when I know. I get afraid, really and truly afraid...but I cannot live like this anymore something has to change...and he knows this...if he comes at me in anger I am going down swinging. Now, that's a freaking scary thought. Please don't say RO because they don't work. That's just a tiny piece of paper. It won't stop him. I am afraid but something has to change and nothing is going to change until something changes. Crazy making, I tell ya.
underwater2010 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I am taking actions. I have been taking actions for a while now. He knows where I'm at and it's up to him to step up or shut up and get out. How long do I wait for him to act? I guess I'll know when I know. I get afraid, really and truly afraid...but I cannot live like this anymore something has to change...and he knows this...if he comes at me in anger I am going down swinging. Now, that's a freaking scary thought. Please don't say RO because they don't work. That's just a tiny piece of paper. It won't stop him. I am afraid but something has to change and nothing is going to change until something changes. Crazy making, I tell ya. If he is truly that violent....an affair is the worst possible choice you could make. Go to a woman's shelter and get the hell out!!!!
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 He has been that violent in the past but not for a very long time. my husbands sister runs the only womans shelter here in my small community. And I wouldn't go to one even if she didn't run it. that place is a snake pit....not all womens shelters are like that but this one is.
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 He has been that violent in the past but not for a very long time. my husbands sister runs the only womans shelter here in my small community. And I wouldn't go to one even if she didn't run it. that place is a snake pit....not all womens shelters are like that but this one is. This is what excuses and non answers look like. Take action!
pteromom Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Please talk to me about why a single man would want to spend time with a married woman? Because the ego strokes and conquest feels good to him too. Tell me why he’s so interested in me. Is it conquest? Is it love? Is it desire? Because he wants sex. Could it be…real? Only if he's incredibly emotionally immature. Otherwise, he would not pursue a married woman and expect anything "real" out of it. I appreciate all comments. (good-bad-ugly…but not hateful, please) You can do better than this. When you are cheating, you are selling out your own integrity. Raise your standard and walk away from this before you create a very big mess for yourself.
pteromom Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 then I met this new guy...about 6 mo's ago...and...it's RIGHT but it's not right, right now. He knows this too and that's why there hasn't been anything further than talking and hugging and such...but on my goodness...he just takes my breath away! There's actually a lot going on psychologically behind this. Your marriage has been painful, and you are confused and "one foot in and one foot out" right now. And it feels so good to just let all that go and be real and free and fun with this new guy. You don't have to worry about all that PAIN in your regular life... you can just laugh and smile and swoon. You have to realize that the feeling of relief and freedom can be strong... but it isn't love. It has much more to do with what is going on inside you than it does with anything you truly feel about him as a person.
pteromom Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Is there hope for me and my husband? Every day that he lets go by without doing what he needs to do is a day closer to the end. He knows where I'm at, he knows what he has to do...I'm not a women who is ever going to nag, bitch and moan...no, he knows I don't need to treat him like a child. He knows what he needs to do. Yes, this has been spelled out very clearly to him. GO TO IC. for himself and get himself right and healthy inside. I'm thinking that this is too much for him to do. I'm thinking that the only way he's going to do that is when I good and gone. THEN he'll be all about doing what he needs to do to get me back. But as it is now, I wait...but not much longer. I just can't keep waiting on him. If you feel you can't keep waiting, then give him some deadlines. If he has agreed to go to IC, then he needs to do it by XXXXXX date, or you are done. You have to do what you need to do to keep control in the situation, so you don't feel you are at his mercy.
pteromom Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I am not in IC now, I have been in the past. H will not go to IC now or ever as he says "I'm not broken" and that's that. I have stated my concerns and he has heard them. Idk, maybe I'm wrong but I don't think I should have to change this part of myself to get thru to him. Should I have to be a woman who nags or bitches? Why? Why should I have to include this type of drama in my life...live in a way I don't wish to live...be a woman I don't wish to be...just to get him to follow thru with action? Oh... Reading your other post, I had the impression that he had agreed to IC. You don't have to nag and bitch. Just give him a list of bullet points that lay out what you need from him in order to continue giving the marriage a chance. If IC is a dealbreaker for you, then give him the ultimatum. He can choose to go or not, and then you can choose to leave if he doesn't. Your "demands" of him are not unreasonable considering your history.
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