Stop me from doing something stupid

[lindsay1990]

I am having a hard time - I feel like I need to talk to her still and meet with her. I just keep thinking that I never wanted all of this pressure with her, I just wanted to be with her. I dont know how to handle this because there is so many factors involved...I feel it is so complicated and part of me believes that if I really tried I could end up with her...and I know that must be really wrong. What is wrong with me???

 

Nothing is wrong with you at all. These feelings are normal. Not to drab in psycho lingo but it looks like you have regressed somewhat to the bargaining stage. The interaction brought up mixed feelings again, and since she didn't say NEVER but also didn't say YES PLEASE I feel that in this situation we can feel some sort of rejection again similar to the original BU.

 

I think a huge part of it is the fact that she also presents not-insane reasons for what happened and how she handled it, so obviously as it seems non-bizzarre the subconcious mind and the heart might think "see? But these are all workable things, it could have eeb avoided and it still can if we try and do things right now, calmy".

 

However, I think this is just an illusion of the bargaining state of mind, where you try to feel that things were in your control or even that things still are. We do this to not feel so powerless and I think this is what maybe is informing these feelings you are having, in particular the uneasiness of the "what if this" "what if we do that"....

 

WWell many of these things may be true and would have made a difference but the control is not in your hands noe. We have to be careful to not feel like it is because I feel thatpersonally our mind wanrs us to feel that.

 

Not to say you will never be with this girl again. But like they say you have to heal COMPLETELY otherwise thisnwill kill you or sabotage it.

 

Think about it like this: what you guys had is gone. Long gone. You have to let go of the potential and the dre of what was going to be.

If she is all that great and that perfect for you, you could meet her in six months or a year and would still fall for r and her for you. You know what I mean?

 

No one is to say yoy won't end up together but right mow it wouls be trying to pick up and reconcile, I don't think its fulfully a start over point yet. Just my two cents.

[lindsay1990]

Sorry for mistakes I'm on my phone...

[lauri]

Thank you so much. I honestly feel you guys are laying it out completely clear for me, I appreciate that.

 

I'm gonna avoid her and maintain NC. I hope to god that I end up in a better place soon bc I am having such huge mood swings and it isn't doing me any good. I guess it is normal but I'm beating myself up bc I did this to myself.

[lauri]

I ended it for good - at least in my eyes.

 

I wanted to make this done 100% forever, so I sent her a message on whatsapp saying "Hi".

 

I knew if I texted her once after I ignored her last message to me that she would try to get the "upper hand" and block me. I was tired of playing the power game and could careless of what she thinks now. I'm not trying to be in control, I'm just trying to move on...and truth is I felt I was ignoring her to be in control of the situation.

 

Immediately after she saw it, she blocked me on whatsapp as I expected. For some reason, I feel relieved and happy to know that any hope of getting back together is gone forever. I was tired of being hurt and tired of missing someone that didn't want me.

 

I hope that this isn't some odd euphoric feeling that will go away in the near future but all I can do now is move forward. I hope that I can spend most of my time on this forum helping everyone else rather then seeking help from now on.

Edited November 7, 2013 by lauri

[lindsay1990]

I ended it for good - at least in my eyes.

 

I wanted to make this done 100% forever, so I sent her a message on whatsapp saying "Hi".

 

I knew if I texted her once after I ignored her last message to me that she would try to get the "upper hand" and block me. I was tired of playing the power game and could careless of what she thinks now. I'm not trying to be in control, I'm just trying to move on...and truth is I felt I was ignoring her to be in control of the situation.

 

Maybe. But it's so good to see that you are at a point of self-awareness to see that it was coming more out of a place of powerlessness. This whole thing sucks, anyway. How far are you since BU btw?

 

Immediately after she saw it, she blocked me on whatsapp as I expected. For some reason, I feel relieved and happy to know that any hope of getting back together is gone forever. I was tired of being hurt and tired of missing someone that didn't want me.

 

I guess this shows you that even though I said you breadcrumbed yourself, it was at the end breadcrumbs Sorry you had to go through that, man, but I know how hard it is too choose the thought that "maybe they just don't want to talk to me" over the "maybe they're too scared" to do it. You know? So we provide them that chance.

 

Personally, I think when I replied to my ex's breadcrumbs ("I love you, I wish for you only the best, have a safe travels") telling him eff off, that it was a sham/nightmare, felt I never really knew him until the end and after what I saw I had no desire to get to know him any more and to forget me, a part of me was 1. telling him how I felt, so he couldn't feel less guilty about hurting me so much and 2. making sure that if he ever contacted me again, it was because he meant business, you know what I mean? Basically making sure he wouldn't crumb me again.

 

I could tell myself "well maybe if he had second thoughts he was too scared to write me after I was so harsh, he knew he wouldn't be welcome" or "maybe he was having second thoughts but my mean reply killed them and he remembered 'what a bitch, that Lindsay'". But you know why I don't care? Because in those cases, if he has second thoughts that are strong enough, he would come back regardless. I am of the belief that nothing can keep someone away from someone they love, especially not a single rejection email. Was is harsh? Yes. BUT if it's too harsh to dissuade him, that means he is still failing to understand how HORRIBLE he was and his general unfairness, and the actual nightmare he put me through, so...

 

To me, if he's not writing me it's either because: he doesn't want to enough, or if he would want to, he still thinks everything I said was wrong or crazy or overreacting or out of my mind or just a bitch. So, I guess that's just my filter.

 

 

I hope that this isn't some odd euphoric feeling that will go away in the near future but all I can do now is move forward. I hope that I can spend most of my time on this forum helping everyone else rather then seeking help from now on.

 

I think we can go back and forth, from feeling stronger/weaker that is completely normal.

 

And as you said in previous quote, that you are tired... I think that's the real turning point. So be strong and trust yourself that you are improving.

[lauri]

Maybe. But it's so good to see that you are at a point of self-awareness to see that it was coming more out of a place of powerlessness. This whole thing sucks, anyway. How far are you since BU btw?

 

 

 

I guess this shows you that even though I said you breadcrumbed yourself, it was at the end breadcrumbs Sorry you had to go through that, man, but I know how hard it is too choose the thought that "maybe they just don't want to talk to me" over the "maybe they're too scared" to do it. You know? So we provide them that chance.

 

Personally, I think when I replied to my ex's breadcrumbs ("I love you, I wish for you only the best, have a safe travels") telling him eff off, that it was a sham/nightmare, felt I never really knew him until the end and after what I saw I had no desire to get to know him any more and to forget me, a part of me was 1. telling him how I felt, so he couldn't feel less guilty about hurting me so much and 2. making sure that if he ever contacted me again, it was because he meant business, you know what I mean? Basically making sure he wouldn't crumb me again.

 

I could tell myself "well maybe if he had second thoughts he was too scared to write me after I was so harsh, he knew he wouldn't be welcome" or "maybe he was having second thoughts but my mean reply killed them and he remembered 'what a bitch, that Lindsay'". But you know why I don't care? Because in those cases, if he has second thoughts that are strong enough, he would come back regardless. I am of the belief that nothing can keep someone away from someone they love, especially not a single rejection email. Was is harsh? Yes. BUT if it's too harsh to dissuade him, that means he is still failing to understand how HORRIBLE he was and his general unfairness, and the actual nightmare he put me through, so...

 

To me, if he's not writing me it's either because: he doesn't want to enough, or if he would want to, he still thinks everything I said was wrong or crazy or overreacting or out of my mind or just a bitch. So, I guess that's just my filter.

 

 

 

 

I think we can go back and forth, from feeling stronger/weaker that is completely normal.

 

And as you said in previous quote, that you are tired... I think that's the real turning point. So be strong and trust yourself that you are improving.

 

I actually feel okay. I feel good, I feel relieved. I don't want that "what if you are too scared" to message me feeling. You fully did what was right and in the end you are going to be with someone who appreciates you and let's you be happy. I am glad you don't care what his reasons are for not contacting you..you really shouldn't. I know for a fact I am improving and her actions made me realize that I don't want to be with her, not if she is the way she is.

 

My ex contacted me again this morning saying "Hi, how are you?". I'm thinking wtf? I ignored. Then she wrote "When are you going to stop being lame and take me out for dinner?". I responded saying that what you did to me wasn't okay and enough is enough. She said "have you thought about being my friend?" and then she texted is like "Will you take me out for coffee tonight?"

 

How weird is she man? Seriously, she is all over the place.

[lindsay1990]

I actually feel okay. I feel good, I feel relieved. I don't want that "what if you are too scared" to message me feeling. You fully did what was right and in the end you are going to be with someone who appreciates you and let's you be happy. I am glad you don't care what his reasons are for not contacting you..you really shouldn't. I know for a fact I am improving and her actions made me realize that I don't want to be with her, not if she is the way she is.

 

My ex contacted me again this morning saying "Hi, how are you?". I'm thinking wtf? I ignored. Then she wrote "When are you going to stop being lame and take me out for dinner?". I responded saying that what you did to me wasn't okay and enough is enough. She said "have you thought about being my friend?" and then she texted is like "Will you take me out for coffee tonight?"

 

How weird is she man? Seriously, she is all over the place.

 

 

 

PLOT TWIST.

 

 

There's two ways to see this. She wants to be friends legitimately, or wants to be friend with potential.

 

The real questions is can you forgive her enough for either. You say that what she did is not okay, and I 100% relate to how humiliating it can be, I mean, she knew you thought her to be wife-material and then threw you on the backburner, you know?

 

That's the core issue. If you can ever forgive her for that (I guess you would have to feel that her apologies were honest and not just justifying her actions) then maybe you could be friends.

 

But I have to ask. You told US that you had planned this for the long-haul, however, what was the seriousness of the relationship in practice? Again (to make it all about myself haha) my ex actually told me that his mother has said that i could move out and go back to my country and he could visit me a few months and we could see where we were, that if we broke up now it didn't mean we wouldn't get back together. Yes, his mother. Apparently, to this dude his mother's word was Gospel and he didn't even think to consider if I would be okay with that. Naturally, I said that HELL NO, that if i moved out and left the country we would NEVER in a million years reconcile.

 

That's what humilliates me and what I can't forgive. But that's me, Lindsay, because we had been discussing marriage for 6 months by then, we had moved in a month before, we spent every waking moment together, ate every meal together for a year, had travelled alone, had travelled with his family, travlled with mine so to me, as unfortunate as shht had hit the fan, we either stuck it out or threw it out. But because in practice we had advanced much more. It wasn't just wishful thinking, before moving in we sat down with my parents and told them of the seriousness of our intentions. So... I couldn't downgrade from that.

 

I know you were serious about this girl and loved her, and I'm definitely not saying you loved her less but maybe the material commitment wasn't there yet, so, it could be forgiven if you would wish to.

 

Secondly, can you forgive her for just outright breaking your heart? Never mind throwing up your plans and dreams and gentlemanly intentions but simply for having you come excited for her and blowing you off, then being okay with breaking up?

 

Those are the two things to think about out. BEFORE being friends. Can you be a friend to the person who humiliated you (like I said this case seems a little more benevolent in the circumstances than mine so maybe humiliate is a harsh word then just say embarrassed), like, made you feel like a fool, but also just put you through this heartbreak. And also, could you ever feel they are a friend to you?

 

After that and as for eventually reconciling, you could have forgiven her and looked past it, as if it had happened with somebody else instead of her now that you're friends, but could you let yourself trust her not to do it again? Leave you hanging or break your heart?

 

 

I guess what I'm saying is I feel you/her are getting two things mixed up. The forgiveness for friendship, and the trust for relationship. But the forgiveness + friendship combo in my opinion HAS to come first, otherwise you are just setting up for disaster.

 

So just think about how much time and what things you need for the forgiveness, and how you can go about these things before you engage with her is my advice. I mean before you start hanging out with her, with the lines all blurry.

[McMike]

Let it go bro. She's friend-zoning you.

[movingonnow1]

Let it go bro. She's friend-zoning you.

 

This could be the case - you never know. I think that she is clearly conflicted and confused - she sounds like she wants to see you and have you around. Depending how you play it when you see her, she may want you. Either way, proceed with caution.

 

What does everyone else think? I'm curious because my ex has been pulling similar things on me except I responded a lot more. She was trying to joke with me, pretend nothing is wrong, etc. She wants to see me and go out for dinner together...I'm going to avoid it until I am fully healed and don't care.

[lindsay1990]

This could be the case - you never know. I think that she is clearly conflicted and confused - she sounds like she wants to see you and have you around. Depending how you play it when you see her, she may want you. Either way, proceed with caution.

 

What does everyone else think? I'm curious because my ex has been pulling similar things on me except I responded a lot more. She was trying to joke with me, pretend nothing is wrong, etc. She wants to see me and go out for dinner together...I'm going to avoid it until I am fully healed and don't care.

 

 

 

I say it doesn't matter what the ex is thinking or trying to pull. Nor what their intentions or agendas or motivations are. What matters is what YOU are feeling and what you can HANDLE.

 

After we've been through this anguish, stress, speculation, everything, we have to realize that at second 0:01 after break-up, it's every man for himself, emotionally.

 

IMHO I think we gotta stop thinking about "Are they trying to friendzone me, if so then how should I respond?2. We need to stop reacting to them and start acting on our accord, with our own interests in mind.

 

It's unlikely that exes are waiting and wondering to see where WE stand to determine where THEY stand. We have to pick a position and stick with it, and THEY can accomodate themselves to OUR position.

 

 

I feel unsure, I feel raw, I feel humiliated, I feel too VULNERABLE? Then I will back the eff up and until I feel better I'm not going to lay my vulnerability on my exes lap and just hope they want me back or hope I can handle the friendzoning.

 

Noooo waaaay kids. Let them react to YOU now. YOU call the shots, YOU establish the dynamics, YOU get in control. We can't control them but we can control ourselves, but we definitely can't have them controlling themselves, controlling us too and controlling the pace, the concessions and the outcome.

 

Don't let them run the show. You run your own and if it works for them when you are ready, then great. And if it doesn't, then you saved yourself a lot of grief.

 

I would advise all of us to stop trying to mold and bend ourselves into fitting into these people's terms, especially if we need to wonder about what they are.

Edited November 7, 2013 by lindsay1990