Stop me from doing something stupid

[lindsay1990]

Lauri, I said what I said earlier because my "gut" says that you two are not over each other. You both want to try again. And yet you both are afraid.

 

Your talk with her confirmed my feelings.

 

I disagree. I think you two CAN have what you had if you work through this. I think she does still want to date you and is not into "damage control." I think you want her as much but are trying to cover it to avoid the pain you had last time.

 

Since you are uncertain and have to ask a bunch of anonymous people for advice, then I would say take the risk. But again, it is your life.

 

Just don't let a good thing go because of fear.

 

 

Respectfully, I say disregard this.

 

 

 

 

The family thing personally bothers me to no end. Now all the "grown ups" know what went down between you, Idk. Just my opinion but this would be too much for me to go back in itself: the knowledge, the scrutiny that it has entailed of your dynamics and that this is a person that when shiz goes down, runs to mom and dad with version to save face. I would say that, as you were serious with the relationship, this is a trait that does not bode well for marriage. Unless you want to be worried about doing damage control or just not caring when your spouse breaks the privacy and sells you out. Because if she really wanted to be with you again, she should have known better than to throw you under the bus and possibly causing you to fall into disfavor with her family, be it true or not (and since she made it up, even worse).

 

What have you thought?

[JamesM]

Okay guys - so I did listen to what she had to say b/c I needed to hear the truth, or at least let her lie and I figure out it if it is the truth.

 

She told me the following:

1) She regrets ending it with me and isn't over it. Thought about it everyday since the breakup. Shes driven by my house and wanted to call my house but she was scared because of my parents and their reaction to it. Said she reached out so many times to me.

 

WHY would she tell you this if she just wanted to do damage control? How would this help her image? Instead, wouldn't this be a sign of her interest in you?

 

2) She is sorry and knows I didn't deserve what she did to me

 

Again, perhaps a genuine apology. Why damage control of her image?

 

3) She didn't turn her parents against me, she feels guilty, they just misunderstood and she explained to them that it was 100% her fault and not mine..but due to them not being around they over reacted.

 

She blurted out her story after that night when she was filled with emotions and scared. You had left her and she was attacked. Her parents (I am one so I do understand) were angry at you and blamed you instead of realizing that it was simply something that happened and not related to you.

 

4) She says I should have talked to her like a man and did the face to face because all she wanted to do was eliminate the pressure of getting married. She wanted us to start again as friends and work our way up (this one I don't know).

 

Agree. You did not. As for breaking an engagement, I did that and didn't want to break up. My gf at the time gave me an ultimatum out of hurt feelings and wanted to break up if I wanted to break the engagement. SO we did. INSTEAD OF GOING NC, we talked and talked...and then got back together and have been married for more than 20 years.

 

If I had listened to the naysayers that you have here, then I would not have the wonderful family I have today.

 

5) She also told me she would stalk my Facebook constantly (through a friend) to see me because she missed me.

 

No reason to tell you this except to show you that she does care for you. Damage control? No, this would HURT her image if she told you this.

 

6) She hasn't dated anyone else (said it w/o me asking) bc of what happened

 

Why? I think you know the answer.

 

7) She didn't end it with me earlier b/c she was scared it would ruin my time and effect me at work. She was scared and didn't know what to do.

 

She felt the engagement was too quick and too soon. She wanted to get to know you better. BUT she was afraid that if she broke the engagement then she would lose you.

 

8) Her reason for ending it was that it was crazy all the marriage stuff and she felt like she hardly dated me and lost interest because I was abroad. She wanted to take it slow and date casually - overall I think thats just a breadcrumb but I don't care because I have no intention of getting back with her right now.

 

BTDT and felt the same as her. We did get back together and I am forever glad.

 

I kept saying you clearly didn't like me and want to be with me, and also said a bunch of other things not trying to be mean but straight forward.

 

It doesn't seem that it was that way at all. Perhaps you may have read this wrong.

 

 

Overall, I left feeling okay but I think she is trying to find a way for me to be back in her life and kept asking if I hate her and if my parents hate her. She may be just trying to save face - what do you all think?

 

Why does she want you back in her life? Why would she care about saving face? As for her parents, their opinions can change. My parents also weren't sure I should get back together with my now wife, but they tell me often how she is so good for me. As for her parents, they too did not like me for breaking the engagement, but her mother still thinks the world of me now...and I of her.

 

You may disregard my advice. It may not be what you want to hear or think is correct at this point. BUT from my own experience, if I had simply gone NC with my now wife based on what others said at the time, then I would have missed out on the life I have with my wife and the wonderful children she gave me.

[JamesM]

Respectfully, I say disregard this.

 

Thanks for the respect.

 

But I only give my advice based on my personal life. I too broke an engagement. If either of us had gone NC, then we would have missed out on a wonderful life together.

 

Your advice may be based on your experiences. I offer an opposing view to get Lauri thinking of what another side to this might be.

 

 

The family thing personally bothers me to no end. Now all the "grown ups" know what went down between you, Idk. Just my opinion but this would be too much for me to go back in itself: the knowledge, the scrutiny that it has entailed of your dynamics and that this is a person that when shiz goes down, runs to mom and dad with version to save face.

 

Actually, we both gave our version of the breakup to our families. Her side felt it was best at first. My folks said I could do better. Neither thought the other was correct.

 

Now they both realize it was simply a breakup and are glad we married.

 

I would say that, as you were serious with the relationship, this is a trait that does not bode well for marriage.

 

This assumes it will happen after marriage. I never confide my marital troubles to my folks...and neither does my wife. While unmarried, we had a different relationship than we do as married people.

 

Unless you want to be worried about doing damage control or just not caring when your spouse breaks the privacy and sells you out.

 

IME, I don't think this is necessarily a problem. What is said during an emotional time WHILE SINGLE does not compare to what may be said while married. I regret what I told my folks during the breakup (and I do remember). I would never betray my wife like that.

 

Because if she really wanted to be with you again, she should have known better than to throw you under the bus and possibly causing you to fall into disfavor with her family, be it true or not (and since she made it up, even worse).

 

Again, emotional outbursts while single when parents are the main confidants cannot be compared to actions when the main confidant is a bf or husband.

 

I am not saying that it is a sure thing to get back together, but I also don't think that it is so cut and dried that you should never contact her again. If in your heart you have this feeling towards her that you want to get in contact with her, then I don't know why you wouldn't explore this avenue to see where it leads.

 

As was said, you may disregard this all, but it is my experience. My experience is not the same but there are similarities. It is worth sitting back and at least analyzing this from more than one angle. Anger may have clouded your memories and what you think you want, but when you look at it objectively, then you still have feelings for her and cannot simply walk away. How do I know this? Because you made this thread.

[Chi townD]

Still confused on why she texted you in the first place. Did you break NC?

[lauri]

Thanks for the respect.

 

But I only give my advice based on my personal life. I too broke an engagement. If either of us had gone NC, then we would have missed out on a wonderful life together.

 

Your advice may be based on your experiences. I offer an opposing view to get Lauri thinking of what another side to this might be.

 

 

 

 

Actually, we both gave our version of the breakup to our families. Her side felt it was best at first. My folks said I could do better. Neither thought the other was correct.

 

Now they both realize it was simply a breakup and are glad we married.

 

 

 

This assumes it will happen after marriage. I never confide my marital troubles to my folks...and neither does my wife. While unmarried, we had a different relationship than we do as married people.

 

 

 

IME, I don't think this is necessarily a problem. What is said during an emotional time WHILE SINGLE does not compare to what may be said while married. I regret what I told my folks during the breakup (and I do remember). I would never betray my wife like that.

 

 

 

Again, emotional outbursts while single when parents are the main confidants cannot be compared to actions when the main confidant is a bf or husband.

 

I am not saying that it is a sure thing to get back together, but I also don't think that it is so cut and dried that you should never contact her again. If in your heart you have this feeling towards her that you want to get in contact with her, then I don't know why you wouldn't explore this avenue to see where it leads.

 

As was said, you may disregard this all, but it is my experience. My experience is not the same but there are similarities. It is worth sitting back and at least analyzing this from more than one angle. Anger may have clouded your memories and what you think you want, but when you look at it objectively, then you still have feelings for her and cannot simply walk away. How do I know this? Because you made this thread.

 

James, you give me an excellent point of view and I appreciate that. I will defiantly take what you say into consideration, but will also be very very careful and hold my cards close to my chest. She kept asking me "are you over it?" "Do you still love me?". Overall, I am keeping a cool head about this. If it is meant to be, it will be.

[lauri]

Still confused on why she texted you in the first place. Did you break NC?

 

This happened because I saw her on gmail chat and messaged her. I broke NC after 2 months and felt really stupid for doing it. Overall, I talked to her on the phone for about 30 minutes and also told her a lot of things that were on my chest, especially that I didn't deserve what she did to me.

 

Whats strange is she had my number all along...I honestly don't know how she got it and then sent me a message. What is your take on all of this?

[Fufu]

This is what I think, if you are seriously not interested in getting back with her now, "Don't get back with her and don't give her any signs that you are interested to get back with her."

[JamesM]

James, you give me an excellent point of view and I appreciate that. I will defiantly take what you say into consideration, but will also be very very careful and hold my cards close to my chest. She kept asking me "are you over it?" "Do you still love me?". Overall, I am keeping a cool head about this. If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

I know it is different than the rest, but I simply want you to re-examine this and not assume that you must avoid her at all costs. It is entirely possible that the second time around will be completely different.

 

And yes, I agree. If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

Whats strange is she had my number all along...I honestly don't know how she got it and then sent me a message. What is your take on all of this?

 

Do you have mutual friends? Could one of them have given her your number? Could you have texted her and forgotten? Is your number on your FB page?

 

Those are the most likely possibilities.

[lauri]

I know it is different than the rest, but I simply want you to re-examine this and not assume that you must avoid her at all costs. It is entirely possible that the second time around will be completely different.

 

And yes, I agree. If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

 

 

Do you have mutual friends? Could one of them have given her your number? Could you have texted her and forgotten? Is your number on your FB page?

 

Those are the most likely possibilities.

 

I know for a fact I never gave her my number. She got it probably through a friend of hers who may have had my new number. I've blocked her on social media and she isn't on my FB page.

 

I'll have to wait and see were everything goes with all of this..as of now I am not initiating any contact with her and just sitting back. I don't want this to turn into something where she just relieves her guilt and takes off on me.

[movingonnow1]

Do you guys honestly think Lauri should be talking to her? How should he be handling this? I find it odd because it is backwards to what most people have suggested before...just for my own curiosity.

[lauri]

Guys so I just talked to her.

 

She said to me during the time I cut her off she ended up getting over it. She said she just wants to be friends with me. Turns out it was a game all along.

[lauri]

Can someone please get back to me? I'm not over her and I feel I made a huge mistake and she is playing games with me .

[BC1980]

Guys so I just talked to her.

 

She said to me during the time I cut her off she ended up getting over it. She said she just wants to be friends with me. Turns out it was a game all along.

 

Sorry if I missed something, but what was a game all along?

[BC1980]

I just read the entire thread again. Here is my observation. You want to be with her, but she is confused. It's as simple as that. Here is my advice: go back to NC, and stick to it.

 

When someone is confused/in limbo/can't opt completely in or completely out of a relationship, you have to get the strength to opt yourself out. I learned this the hard way unfortunately because I chose not to listen the advice of family, friends, and this forum. I know this is not the answer you want because I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming after 4 months, to this conclusion. Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.

[lauri]

Sorry if I missed something, but what was a game all along?

 

She said all these things which I outlined above, now today shes telling me she was over me because I cut her off and she blocked me on her whatsapp. Honestly...I don't deserve this BS...I legit thought she was interested in maybe trying with me but she was saying this is how she "Used to feel" and now she doesn't feel anything. To me, that is a game one day says one thing next day says another.

[lauri]

I just read the entire thread again. Here is my observation. You want to be with her, but she is confused. It's as simple as that. Here is my advice: go back to NC, and stick to it.

 

When someone is confused/in limbo/can't opt completely in or completely out of a relationship, you have to get the strength to opt yourself out. I learned this the hard way unfortunately because I chose not to listen the advice of family, friends, and this forum. I know this is not the answer you want because I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming after 4 months, to this conclusion. Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.

 

She said she wants to meet to talk again - should I go and meet her? I thought I was doing so well and I didn't realize how stupid this would turn out...especially after the conversation yesterday. She sounds pretty convinced she wants to just be friends with me and that is it.

[BC1980]

She said all these things which I outlined above, now today shes telling me she was over me because I cut her off and she blocked me on her whatsapp. Honestly...I don't deserve this BS...I legit thought she was interested in maybe trying with me but she was saying this is how she "Used to feel" and now she doesn't feel anything. To me, that is a game one day says one thing next day says another.

 

You must do NC. A few weeks ago, I hit the 2 month mark, and I had this terrible urge to contact my ex. I got all nostalgic and couldn't stop thinking of him. It was awful really. You just went through one hell of a speed bump on the NC road. Don't beat yourself up because nearly everyone on this forum has broken NC in some way or another. We read so many stories of the havoc breaking NC can do to you. 2 more months down the line, if you break contact again, she still won't have an answer for you.

 

In the end, you must do what is right for you, which is to exit this situation. I really hate it for you. It's not the end we want, but it's the harsh reality.

[Chi townD]

She said she wants to meet to talk again - should I go and meet her? I thought I was doing so well and I didn't realize how stupid this would turn out...especially after the conversation yesterday. She sounds pretty convinced she wants to just be friends with me and that is it.

 

Why? So she can ease her guilt and make you feel like sh*t again?

 

How much more abuse are you willing to go through? She said she's done. She over you. You should be like, "Okay...fine. BYE!!!"

[Lostfairie]

When did she say that she wanted to meet you? During the conversation where she said she was over it?

 

I don't know... IMHO, though it might be very wrong, she MIGHT want to reconcile and is just upset that you have been ignoring her... Or, she MIGHT just be at a place now where she wants to try and put this all behind her and be friends... I, of course, have no way of knowing... But, then again, nor do the rest of us... My personal feeling is that I'd rather feel like crap knowing that I've tried rather than feeling like crap with regret for what might have been...

[BC1980]

She said she wants to meet to talk again - should I go and meet her? I thought I was doing so well and I didn't realize how stupid this would turn out...especially after the conversation yesterday. She sounds pretty convinced she wants to just be friends with me and that is it.

 

Do not meet with her. There is no need for anymore emotional drama that will only hurt you. You can't be friends with her. I wish I could be friends with my ex, but I can't. We share a lot of common interests, and we had a lot of fun together. I can't tell you how sad it makes me feel that I might never see him again. But we can't be friends.

 

If you meet with her, she is going to friendzone you straight out, or she is going to want to be friends to see if it develops into something else later. Puke. Hell no. I can guarantee that is what will happen. Shut all of this down right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Team no meeting and back to NC. It looks like she was going for an ego boost, she got it, now she's not interested anymore.

[lauri]

Team no meeting and back to NC. It looks like she was going for an ego boost, she got it, now she's not interested anymore.

 

Yeah. You are right..plus after I made her feel guilty about what she did I guess she wanted to just be the one to now push me away and make me chase. I'll admit I cracked but now I've blocked her and not even saved her number. C'est la vie...I made a mistake and im so stupid for ruining my progress moving forward....this girl is clearly not any good.

[JamesM]

IMO now it is time to back off. You now know what you didn't know before. You now know that getting back together may not be what she wants. If you hadn't contacted her, then you wouldn't know.

 

Your questions have been answered. If it were me, then I would move on. But this is just my opinion based on what you just posted.

[lauri]

All I did was make her realize that I'm not completely over what happened and that gave her an ego boost...now that she had it she blocks me to take control and do the same thing I did to her by blocking me off. She got under my skin and I called bc I felt like it was games and I didn't feel I deserved it after I tried to reach out to her.

 

 

Honestly, this stuff is so immature I just wish I never dealt with it. I don't believe she actually is over it by the way she is acting but I seriously think she is crazy for how this is going down.

 

Good news is this hasn't hit me that bad yet but I imagine in the next few days it will - I feel really stupid giving her this ego boost and screwing myself over. Lesson learned.

[John Grogan]

Lauri, i just read the whole story and i must say i can only relate. I am in your shoes and your story brings only sadness.

 

You need to get up from you knees and face your fears and heal. This is the advice from a person like yourself had suffer and is suffering because of a woman that didn”t deserved us.

 

I will say you this, imho, blocking her, deleting her from Facebook and god knows what is wrong. You need to face your demons and you need to face her.

 

Try to keep your mind off her, but do no forget, never do. Go out with your friends, go to the gym, work on projects, watch movies, anything, but you need to not stay alone and think.

 

You need to confront you demons, you need to see if her is on facebook online, google chat, etc, and you must not contact her. Believe me, she is expecting for you to block or delete her, but that will touch her ego and she will think you are suffering.

 

Use this pain that you have and build yourself up, be better, strongar, faster, more perfect and she will see on facebook, google, etc, trust me, she will see how good you”ve become and she will regret everything, but by that time, you will be over her just because you faced your demons and pain now, instead of hiding it under the cover.

 

Suffer now, but you will become better, trust me. The key is ignoring her without blocking her.

Edited November 2, 2013 by John Grogan