lauri Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Guys... I know what I'm about to say is going to get me torn apart by you all but I'm honestly feeling such a strong urge to reach out to my ex. I wanted to drop her an email and give her my mobile number, saying if you want to talk we can. I've been NC since the end of August and she has tried to reach out to me a few times. I guess I feel like its such a shame I waited an entire year to see her and only saw her for 20 minutes (my choice by refusing to do the closure talk). I feel like shes given up and is scared to try to contact me to be rejected by me again bc I've ignored her, deleted her and walked away from her life. I've honestly been so good but the last few days I've been driving myself crazy and missing her, the connection we had. I know I can never get back with her after what she did to me...I don't know what is wrong with me. Please any advice is welcomed to help me get over this hump.
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Don't do it, man! She has your email, she can contact you if she wants it enough. Specially if you are missing her, I think the only thing that will come from this is more rejection. You might want to write her to recover some sense of control maybe by taking action, I know how passive it can feel to just sit around but if you contact her you will just be handing yourself over, and your wellbeing will be in her hands. You miss the connection, I get it but that connection is not there any more, it is gone. I'm sorry but don't do it. She can reach out, at this point you reaching out will only hurt you. 5
hurts2death Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 exactly ^ you are going to fall in her spider trap and we wont be able to rescue you through the internet... please dont do anything so stupid... just please 2
Chi townD Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You left a good paying job to come home and be with her. She wouldn't even come to your welcome home party. If my girl heard that I was coming home, she would be standing at the security gate at the AIRPORT with a huge smile on her face! This is one of the last text she sent you... “You throw away 3 years of friendship just because things between us didn't work out as a couple.. you never gave me a chance to explain myself. Instead you chose to delete me. I just wanted you to know that I didn't end it for no reason. I thought it would be better to tell you in person but u didn't give me a chance to tell you. But anyways just know that I've always been loyal to u and I only did this because It was for the best .. goodbye..everyone brainwashed you to cut me off, I’m not a bad person” So, is that what she though of you? Thought of your relationship for the last three years? That you were a only FRIEND? Yeah, so I'll keep on brainwashing you.... stay NC. Just get through today without contacting her. Promise you, you'll probably feel different tomorrow. 2
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You left a good paying job to come home and be with her. She wouldn't even come to your welcome home party. If my girl heard that I was coming home, she would be standing at the security gate at the AIRPORT with a huge smile on her face! This is one of the last text she sent you... “You throw away 3 years of friendship just because things between us didn't work out as a couple.. you never gave me a chance to explain myself. Instead you chose to delete me. I just wanted you to know that I didn't end it for no reason. I thought it would be better to tell you in person but u didn't give me a chance to tell you. But anyways just know that I've always been loyal to u and I only did this because It was for the best .. goodbye..everyone brainwashed you to cut me off, I’m not a bad person” So, is that what she though of you? Thought of your relationship for the last three years? That you were a only FRIEND? Yeah, so I'll keep on brainwashing you.... stay NC. Just get through today without contacting her. Promise you, you'll probably feel different tomorrow. I agree with this. It's like she even got mad that you would deprive her of your friendship. If you write her, she'll want to be friends IF she doesn't give you some more self-righteousness (and victimizing herself) first so unless you want to be demoted to "friend", I'd stay away.
AHaze Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Go for a run... do a work out, have a shower and sing at the top of your voice while you're in it... go and see a friend, play some computer games, go for a fast drive, browse the talent on websites full of models.. watch funny videos, watch porn, hit on a bootycall, eat something ridiculous like a huge cheesecake all to yourself, Occupy yourself and the urge will fade without you even noticing... and later on you'll think "I'm glad I didn't send an email".
jphcbpa Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 time to make a list of the "bad times". review the list often when this urge comes up. you are only thinking of the "good times" focus on whey the R is over. that will not change 1
reddragon588 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 The fact you recognize it's stupid shows that you have the willpower to keep yourself from doing it. No one wants to do stupid stuff!
Author lauri Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I have to honest, I'm sitting at work and I decided to start to delete her emails to me. I came across one which she had her resume and her number. I entered it in and looked at her whatsapp photo which was with a guy who she said was in her "friendzone" and her family. This hurt me a lot - and I saw her online on Google chat. I sent her a Hi..she responded hi back and I feel so stupid for doing it. I haven't wrote again and im really hurting inside..what was I thinking guys? I asked for it. What is wrong with me????
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I have to honest, I'm sitting at work and I decided to start to delete her emails to me. I came across one which she had her resume and her number. I entered it in and looked at her whatsapp photo which was with a guy who she said was in her "friendzone" and her family. This hurt me a lot - and I saw her online on Google chat. I sent her a Hi..she responded hi back and I feel so stupid for doing it. I haven't wrote again and im really hurting inside..what was I thinking guys? I asked for it. What is wrong with me???? Take her off gchat.
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You're human. That makes you flawed and stupid like the rest of us. We all make these mistakes. Look, if you really feel the need to say something to her, I've seen a few good variants on this board. You tell her that you'd like for her to stop contacting you because you're in the process of moving on and letting go. Tell to only contact you if she wants to reconcile. Wish her well, and begin your journey. You leave the ball in her court, and act as though she is not coming back. Barky I responded with: «Hi. I agree with your decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us. I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over. I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time. I'll be in touch when I am ready.» This is the message I sent him after he broke up with me, and I sent him when he contacted me during my 10 months of no contact. Use 'em if ya need 'em. 2
Chi townD Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Ahh! You got replaced with the "friend zone" guy..huh.... Nice to know what she does with her friends......hey, didn't she think what you guys had was a friendship? Dude, you got knocked back a few pegs and you feel bad. Time to pick yourself up again and get back to NC and making positive changes in your life.
Fufu Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Guys... I know what I'm about to say is going to get me torn apart by you all but I'm honestly feeling such a strong urge to reach out to my ex. I wanted to drop her an email and give her my mobile number, saying if you want to talk we can. I've been NC since the end of August and she has tried to reach out to me a few times. I guess I feel like its such a shame I waited an entire year to see her and only saw her for 20 minutes (my choice by refusing to do the closure talk). I feel like shes given up and is scared to try to contact me to be rejected by me again bc I've ignored her, deleted her and walked away from her life. I've honestly been so good but the last few days I've been driving myself crazy and missing her, the connection we had. I know I can never get back with her after what she did to me...I don't know what is wrong with me. Please any advice is welcomed to help me get over this hump. I'm happy that you posted here first instead of emailing her right away. Good job Since you know you will never get back with her, this is your answer to remain NC. 1
JamesM Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 What if you are reading this all wrong? What if she is repentant for what all happened and is going to apologize? What if she wants to get back with you as a boyfriend again? What if the replacement friend was simply still a friend and she still pines for you? What if you are missing out on the greatest opportunity of your life? If you knew that she was willing to start again and the ending would be different, then would you not get in touch? Since you don't know, then won't you always wonder "what if?" And before I get lambasted by the rest of you, you like I only know what has been posted. I read the back story, and i wonder if there is something else going on here. You will only know if you get in contact and get some closure....or you restart the relationship now that you are here. Just saying. 2
Fufu Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 That we have to ask OP if he is ready to be in a relationship? I kind of feel he is not ready yet based on what he posted about how his ex has treated him. I personally don't suggest reconciliation when the individual still feels somewhat "hurt" about the past relationship. (just my thoughts) 1
Author lauri Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 That we have to ask OP if he is ready to be in a relationship? I kind of feel he is not ready yet based on what he posted about how his ex has treated him. I personally don't suggest reconciliation when the individual still feels somewhat "hurt" about the past relationship. (just my thoughts) I'm not ready. I am not looking to get back with her at all at this point, I just don't know what is wrong with me today. Maybe its the change of season, maybe its wondering what really happened and wanting her to tell me the truth. Either way, you are 100% right I am not ready to be with anyone, including her.
Author lauri Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 What if you are reading this all wrong? What if she is repentant for what all happened and is going to apologize? What if she wants to get back with you as a boyfriend again? What if the replacement friend was simply still a friend and she still pines for you? What if you are missing out on the greatest opportunity of your life? If you knew that she was willing to start again and the ending would be different, then would you not get in touch? Since you don't know, then won't you always wonder "what if?" And before I get lambasted by the rest of you, you like I only know what has been posted. I read the back story, and i wonder if there is something else going on here. You will only know if you get in contact and get some closure....or you restart the relationship now that you are here. Just saying. I'm a bit surprised to see a post like this. A lot of this is eating away at me lately because it doesn't make "sense". However, the truth is I broke NC. I'm not looking to get back with her by any means - I'm not ready for that. Could you explain a bit more about your rationale behind what you said? Do you honestly think being in contact and doing the whole closure thing will help in my particular situation?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 So you've been in NC for two months then. Ok, this is perfectly normal, as most NCs seem to have a touch of panic at this time. I say ride it out -- you aren't ready for contact right now. The two-month mark is one of the toughest parts of NC after the beginning because the fact that this person is no longer in your life really begins to set in. I say forge ahead and stick with it. 3
Author lauri Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Guys you won't believe this...she messaged me on my phone and had my number already...I never gave it to her in purpose to avoid this. She asked me why I contacted her and she's trying to make small talk. Honestly, I feel like she doesn't even realize what she did or even feel guilty by me reaching out. Maybe she does and that's why she's trying to make conversation. What do I do??
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Guys you won't believe this...she messaged me on my phone and had my number already...I never gave it to her in purpose to avoid this. She asked me why I contacted her and she's trying to make small talk. Honestly, I feel like she doesn't even realize what she did or even feel guilty by me reaching out. Maybe she does and that's why she's trying to make conversation. What do I do?? When did you contact her?
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Guys you won't believe this...she messaged me on my phone and had my number already...I never gave it to her in purpose to avoid this. She asked me why I contacted her and she's trying to make small talk. Honestly, I feel like she doesn't even realize what she did or even feel guilty by me reaching out. Maybe she does and that's why she's trying to make conversation. What do I do?? My personal vote: Since you sort of an initiated this, and by sort of I mean you totally did, I don't feel that you can really ignore her in good conscience. However, I would end the conversation as soon as possible. Keep any answers concise but not cold, and tell her that you are busy or that something has come up, and just end it. This is a "take the money and run" situation. Bail by any means necessary, but play it cool - you don't want to be worrying later if you appeared anxious or twitchy. Breaking NC isn't good as a rule, but second guessing what you said while breaking it is even worse.
Author lauri Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Okay guys - so I did listen to what she had to say b/c I needed to hear the truth, or at least let her lie and I figure out it if it is the truth. She told me the following: 1) She regrets ending it with me and isn't over it. Thought about it everyday since the breakup. Shes driven by my house and wanted to call my house but she was scared because of my parents and their reaction to it. Said she reached out so many times to me. 2) She is sorry and knows I didn't deserve what she did to me 3) She didn't turn her parents against me, she feels guilty, they just misunderstood and she explained to them that it was 100% her fault and not mine..but due to them not being around they over reacted. 4) She says I should have talked to her like a man and did the face to face because all she wanted to do was eliminate the pressure of getting married. She wanted us to start again as friends and work our way up (this one I don't know). 5) She also told me she would stalk my Facebook constantly (through a friend) to see me because she missed me. 6) She hasn't dated anyone else (said it w/o me asking) bc of what happened 7) She didn't end it with me earlier b/c she was scared it would ruin my time and effect me at work. She was scared and didn't know what to do. 8) Her reason for ending it was that it was crazy all the marriage stuff and she felt like she hardly dated me and lost interest because I was abroad. She wanted to take it slow and date casually - overall I think thats just a breadcrumb but I don't care because I have no intention of getting back with her right now. I kept saying you clearly didn't like me and want to be with me, and also said a bunch of other things not trying to be mean but straight forward. Overall, I left feeling okay but I think she is trying to find a way for me to be back in her life and kept asking if I hate her and if my parents hate her. She may be just trying to save face - what do you all think?
lindsay1990 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Okay guys - so I did listen to what she had to say b/c I needed to hear the truth, or at least let her lie and I figure out it if it is the truth. She told me the following: 1) She regrets ending it with me and isn't over it. Thought about it everyday since the breakup. Shes driven by my house and wanted to call my house but she was scared because of my parents and their reaction to it. Said she reached out so many times to me. 2) She is sorry and knows I didn't deserve what she did to me 3) She didn't turn her parents against me, she feels guilty, they just misunderstood and she explained to them that it was 100% her fault and not mine..but due to them not being around they over reacted. 4) She says I should have talked to her like a man and did the face to face because all she wanted to do was eliminate the pressure of getting married. She wanted us to start again as friends and work our way up (this one I don't know). Like back then she wanted to turn things down a few notches, or now she wants to be friends and work way up? If it's now, I think you should just offer friendship and be friendly, not best friend-ish you know? For a whiiiiile. 5) She also told me she would stalk my Facebook constantly (through a friend) to see me because she missed me. 6) She hasn't dated anyone else (said it w/o me asking) bc of what happened 7) She didn't end it with me earlier b/c she was scared it would ruin my time and effect me at work. She was scared and didn't know what to do. 8) Her reason for ending it was that it was crazy all the marriage stuff and she felt like she hardly dated me and lost interest because I was abroad. She wanted to take it slow and date casually - overall I think thats just a breadcrumb but I don't care because I have no intention of getting back with her right now. GIGS + Losing interest. That's a clear statement, and whatever came after it matter little in my opinion. I kept saying you clearly didn't like me and want to be with me, and also said a bunch of other things not trying to be mean but straight forward. Overall, I left feeling okay but I think she is trying to find a way for me to be back in her life and kept asking if I hate her and if my parents hate her. She may be just trying to save face - what do you all think? May I ask, why are the parents so involved? Not judging but wondering where/why this seems to be so prevalent here, like what you guys' parents are thinking. To me you are at a great place lauri, and it feel mostly like she is doing damage control for your image of her. About her not dating anybody else in these few months I would venture a guess that, from what it seems from parent involvement, maybe her folks arent even letting her date for a while - but definitely not on her own accord if she did say she felt she hadnt dated enough.
Author lauri Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 May I ask, why are the parents so involved? Not judging but wondering where/why this seems to be so prevalent here, like what you guys' parents are thinking. To me you are at a great place lauri, and it feel mostly like she is doing damage control for your image of her. About her not dating anybody else in these few months I would venture a guess that, from what it seems from parent involvement, maybe her folks arent even letting her date for a while - but definitely not on her own accord if she did say she felt she hadnt dated enough. Thanks. The parents are involved way too much, you are right. It just happened to be this way with the whole long distance thing and it just caused a lot of issues with the breakup. Not only did she break up with me, we broke up with each others families too. She is doing damage control of her image and I don't believe she wants to be with me. Maybe sometime in the future, but I am very very cautious about her right now and feel she did really immature things upon our breakup. She can date someone if she wants since she is living on her own - that is entirely her choice. She never said she hasn't dated enough, she said that she hasn't dated ME enough to know if she wants to be with me till marriage, and its true. She probably went out on some dates, but I know I was on her mind completely. I know it. I mean she held onto my phone number ad looked at my whatsapp daily but never messaged me...kind of strange. Either way, I'm gonna keep my distance and do what I can do to protect myself... I don't trust her and I don't want to be sucked into any games.
JamesM Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Lauri, I said what I said earlier because my "gut" says that you two are not over each other. You both want to try again. And yet you both are afraid. Your talk with her confirmed my feelings. I disagree. I think you two CAN have what you had if you work through this. I think she does still want to date you and is not into "damage control." I think you want her as much but are trying to cover it to avoid the pain you had last time. Since you are uncertain and have to ask a bunch of anonymous people for advice, then I would say take the risk. But again, it is your life. Just don't let a good thing go because of fear. 1
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