Did your dumper blame you?

[2fargone]

Ye she blamed me... It took some txting for her to admit 'we both royaly screwed up' but still kept vague about her end. The reason she had to admit it was she said she felt she couldn't share things with me. Me asking what things and giving like 30 examples of her sharing with me made her realize at least that was wrong.

 

I guess after that she was just scared of discovering what else she was wrong about...

[mtnbiker3000]

Please just be sure those were actual problems, and not issues you're assuming you had throughout the entire relationship because you need to explain why it ended.

 

If they were present the whole time and you feel the need to improve, then I applaud you for being self aware and pursuing self improvement. If these traits only arose from time to time, well...that's different.

 

We all have moments of weakness, of putting our significant other's needs above our own, flexing our boundaries and compromising, and needing the validation of the person closest to us.

 

"Boundaries" that are too strong simply becomes a tendency to be overly controlling, after all.

 

Anyone who says otherwise is full of it, and that includes anyone spouting that alpha male bullsh*t.

 

Hmmm. Interesting question. Honestly, kinda hard to tell how much of this is simply do to the devastation associated with being broken up with and rejected, or are actual personality flaws which need to be addressed. I'm sure a portion of it is trying to fit some understanding into why this all happened. But I also know I have some things to work on which have been needing attention for a long time.

 

Grrrrrrr. So much confusion surrounding a BU. Where is the nearest guru on top of a mountain I can ask some questions?

[Never Again]

Hmmm. Interesting question. Honestly, kinda hard to tell how much of this is simply do to the devastation associated with being broken up with and rejected, or are actual personality flaws which need to be addressed. I'm sure a portion of it is trying to fit some understanding into why this all happened. But I also know I have some things to work on which have been needing attention for a long time.

 

Grrrrrrr. So much confusion surrounding a BU. Where is the nearest guru on top of a mountain I can ask some questions?

 

I could use one as well.

 

I only bring it up because I did the same, and occasionally still do.

 

The breakup tore me apart, and I NEEDED to know why. Admittedly, I had pulled away from my ex a little beforehand. I was stressed and needed time to myself.

 

I never ignored her, but I did text her less often, stayed on the phone with her for less time, and wasn't driving the hour to see her as often (in the last month we saw each other, she actually drove to see me most of the time).

 

I beat myself up for getting lazy, for not taking the lead, for not admiring her for everything she did for me.

 

Then I realized, I had done PLENTY of that for 90% of my relationship. So what if I got lazy or withdrew a little for 3-4 weeks? Don't I deserve to rest as well, and don't I deserve the same kind of consideration, love and support I gave her?

 

Sure, maybe it was just too many problems all at the same time at the end, but the relationship was built upon firmer stuff. It should take more than a bit of lethargy on my part over a few weeks to erode all that. Plus, I expect honesty from my partner. Tell me to my face if I'm bothering you.

 

You may just be reflecting on the bad times and assuming you're worse off than you actually are. Don't lower your self esteem more by imagining up problems. You're better than that - we all are.

[Never Again]

Yes, he realized it was lust after asking me to pick up my life and move across the country to live with him Thankfully, I hadn't quit my job or sold my house!

 

You seem to have come to some kind of acceptance and understanding of your relationship and it's nice to read. I think I read on one of your previous posts that you were a bit older....I'm 46. You wrote that your ex was a product of her experience. With age comes a lot more of this experience which adds to the challenges. You are very insightful. I think too when relationships fail at this age when we think they could have been saved, it just makes it harder somehow, don't you?

 

My ex realized that she didn't feel the "spark" or "romantic connection" just 2 months after talking about living together. I had been hunting for jobs in her area for months (we only live an hour apart).

 

I'm not entirely sure that I've come to a complete acceptance about my break up, but I'm certainly trying very hard. I am a little older I guess. Turned 30 this August. Honestly, I've had fewer relationships then my ex...and I wouldn't exactly say that they were much healthier, but I did take quite a bit of time in between each to reflect upon them.

 

I also read too much and believe too easily.

 

Experience certainly comes with age, but then again, so does emotional baggage. Both my ex and I were guilty of not checking these at the door, and I think that that may have contributed at least a little to what happened.

 

I agree that there comes a point when watching a salvageable relationship fail, regardless of the reason, becomes very painful.

 

Well, it's always painful. But the more experience you have, the more maturity you gain, the harder it is to walk away from something that you've put effort into without at least trying to save it.

 

I spent an awful lot of time involving my ex in my life. Introducing her to my friends, family, and loved ones. Bringing her to all sorts of events and involving her and every single one of my interests. Maybe I killed the "mystery" that generates that "spark" of interest and attraction that everyone seems so keen on...but I always want to build a solid foundation for a relationship to rest upon...something that can withstand the inevitable fade of sexual chemistry.

 

But, for some people, biology is simply too powerful to resist. The reptian part of the brain takes over, and they chase the next "spark" of lust.

[mtnbiker3000]

The breakup tore me apart, and I NEEDED to know why. Admittedly, I had pulled away from my ex a little beforehand. I was stressed and needed time to myself.

 

I never ignored her, but I did text her less often, stayed on the phone with her for less time, and wasn't driving the hour to see her as often (in the last month we saw each other, she actually drove to see me most of the time).

 

I did the opposite. I felt her pushing away from the RS and I pulled even harder. I think by the end, she was like Olive Oil squirming out of Bluto's bear hug. Doing anything to get away from me, from us. That makes me sad. My own fault though.

 

There was an incident that happened in June 2012, to where I should have left the RS, but I didn't (not cheating). Instead, I practically begged her to stay with me. I think she lost most of her respect for me after that. Weak boundaries on my part.

 

You may just be reflecting on the bad times and assuming you're worse off than you actually are. Don't lower your self esteem more by imagining up problems. You're better than that - we all are.

 

Probably true. I am pretty hard on myself. Which is actually one of the issues (low self esteem due to constant criticism) I realized I've been carrying around since childhood.

 

And, yeah, I was also too accommodating. Too 'nice'. Again, poor personal boundaries. Another issue I am currently working on. Half of me wants to make changes and work at 'fixing' these issues. The other half of me just thinks she was the wrong person for me and my issues won't be a big deal to the right person. I dunno. Ughhhh. So many things to think about...

[mtnbiker3000]

My ex realized that she didn't feel the "spark" or "romantic connection" just 2 months after talking about living together.

 

Yeah, we moved super fast and started living together pretty quick. Big mistake. Never again. Started out great during the HS, but didn't allow for sustained growth. Too much too soon. It's like we used it all up in the first 8 month to 1 year. Then, things started slowly going south and never recovered.

 

I spent an awful lot of time involving my ex in my life. Introducing her to my friends, family, and loved ones. Bringing her to all sorts of events and involving her and every single one of my interests. Maybe I killed the "mystery" that generates that "spark" of interest and attraction that everyone seems so keen on...but I always want to build a solid foundation for a relationship to rest upon...something that can withstand the inevitable fade of sexual chemistry.

 

I think this played a role for me too. There was no more mystery. I divulged to much information and too much of my independent life. I've learned that the goal is to slowly move from independence to inter-dependence, without getting stuck in co-dependence (which I did). Next time, I'm keeping a lot more to myself. Holding my cards a little closer to my chest. Not being deceiving, just not opening all the way up.

 

But, for some people, biology is simply too powerful to resist. The reptian part of the brain takes over, and they chase the next "spark" of lust.

 

And away they go...

[Never Again]

I did the opposite. I felt her pushing away from the RS and I pulled even harder. I think by the end, she was like Olive Oil squirming out of Bluto's bear hug. Doing anything to get away from me, from us. That makes me sad. My own fault though.

 

There was an incident that happened in June 2012, to where I should have left the RS, but I didn't (not cheating). Instead, I practically begged her to stay with me. I think she lost most of her respect for me after that. Weak boundaries on my part.

 

 

 

Probably true. I am pretty hard on myself. Which is actually one of the issues (low self esteem due to constant criticism) I realized I've been carrying around since childhood.

 

And, yeah, I was also too accommodating. Too 'nice'. Again, poor personal boundaries. Another issue I am currently working on. Half of me wants to make changes and work at 'fixing' these issues. The other half of me just thinks she was the wrong person for me and my issues won't be a big deal to the right person. I dunno. Ughhhh. So many things to think about...

 

I suppose too accommodating depends on what you were accommodating about.

 

I felt too "nice" for canceling dates for my ex's benefit...so she could get more work done...until I remembered that, which she appreciated...but disliked. I pushed her to work more even though she wanted to see me.

 

Perhaps I did it too often. I never put HER on a pedestal, but I insisted that she put work first...and kinda forced her to. She was just really starting to break through in her career though, so I felt obligated to support her in the ways I could.

 

I cover up minor self esteem issues by having a very dry, self deprecating sense of humor. Apparently, it doesn't work

[sambo77]

Yep. She blamed me alright.

 

After I'd accidentally discovered her new, 3 day old dating profile and messages to random guys, it was apparently extremely pressurising of me to demand she delete the profile.

 

So, during the "space" we were taking after this horrible discovery it was apparently again my fault for being way too pressurising and asking her to DELETE THE DAMN DATING PROFILE...which she wouldn't do. These requests on my part were her evidence that I was not willing to give her space and was hassling her, which she "did not need during this stressful time of her life" and so she "had no choice but to let me break free."

 

For a while I really entertained the idea that I might have been out of line to demand she got rid of her new, paid, active dating account?! She had almost convinced me at one point?!

[mtnbiker3000]

I suppose too accommodating depends on what you were accommodating about.

 

I would do anything for her. And she knew it... She didn't take advantage, but it slowly started to turn her off.

 

I cover up minor self esteem issues by having a very dry, self deprecating sense of humor. Apparently, it doesn't work

 

Careful!! Best not to cover these things up. Then they just build pressure and explode...

[Never Again]

Yeah, we moved super fast and started living together pretty quick. Big mistake. Never again. Started out great during the HS, but didn't allow for sustained growth. Too much too soon. It's like we used it all up in the first 8 month to 1 year. Then, things started slowly going south and never recovered.

 

I think this played a role for me too. There was no more mystery. I divulged to much information and too much of my independent life. I've learned that the goal is to slowly move from independence to inter-dependence, without getting stuck in co-dependence (which I did). Next time, I'm keeping a lot more to myself. Holding my cards a little closer to my chest. Not being deceiving, just not opening all the way up.

 

And away they go...

 

Yes and no on the perils of moving too fast, I suppose. I guess the real risk is making the inevitable "slow down" feel like stomping on the brakes.

 

However, eventually you'll get to that point where you know your significant other TOO well, and your ability to read them quickly outstrips any personal growth they may achieve.

 

Same for the "mystery" component. They'll learn it eventually. Obviously there is such a thing as too much too soon, but they'll get there at some point. Why risk being with someone who loses interest as soon as they actually know YOU? If that's the kind of person they are, better to shed them sooner than later. If they only stick around because of "spark" and mystery, then screw 'em.

 

I never talked long term commitment with my ex. Never really got into the details of living together. Involved her in the important things and asked about her day-to-day, but never told her all the details of mine. Hung out with friends and never told her everything that happened (while she sent me pictures if every single adventure she went on). I did what she wanted when she asked, pulled back when I felt things get stressful/odd, was less available as time went on (I used to try to see her 2-4 times a week when we began...we got close FAST). Yet, none of that made a difference, eh?

 

I was always independent, and actually became a little more so (with some decisions based around her, of course) as the relationship progressed. That may have been the problem...I wasn't working towards co-dependence like a relationship "should", but my ex didn't utter a peep.

 

She owed it to me to be honest if I was doing something she found damaging to the relationship, and I owed the same to her. Difference is, I actually said something to her about her lack of communication. Gently, but still.

 

Again, it didn't matter much even though she and I were ridiculously compatible.

 

My point, I guess, is that sometimes...you can't win. Better to be the best version of you that you can be...and not concern yourself with "improvements" that don't need to be made.

[Fufu]

They blame to justify their actions are right.

[Riou]

They blame to justify their actions are right.

 

Ya,at the expense of others.Selfish people.

[Mariposa10]

Yes, my ex blamed me completely. He said if I hadn't said what I said we would've stayed together, I believed that for a long time. Not anymore though. I do believe our breakup was 55% my fault. I did learn many things though, so I guess it's fine now.

[aybc123]

Nah she never blamed me, or well, not at the point of either breakup, she let me know she thought this was mostly my fault when we got back together after the first bu but to be honest she had every right to be pissed because it was mostly my fault. Anyway no not the second time around, but it didn't really require saying again, we both knew it.

[Salvatore85]

Blamed me completely. Blamed me for not trying hard enough, for not making more money, for poor work hours, for being tired occasionally, for our dog misbehaving, for not being tall, for her mother disliking me for no reason whatsoever etc. etc.

 

Basically wanted me to be someone completely different and I'm not capable of that. I love her, I miss her but I'm excited for what my future holds. I'm a great guy and I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me.

[loveofhorses1970]

He didn't necessarily blame me. He basically said we never had anything other than fantasy. He completely acted like none of it ever meant anything and walked away. Although it hurts now, I'll be better off in the long run without him.

[BrightHope]

My ex realized that she didn't feel the "spark" or "romantic connection" just 2 months after talking about living together. I had been hunting for jobs in her area for months (we only live an hour apart).

 

I'm not entirely sure that I've come to a complete acceptance about my break up, but I'm certainly trying very hard. I am a little older I guess. Turned 30 this August. Honestly, I've had fewer relationships then my ex...and I wouldn't exactly say that they were much healthier, but I did take quite a bit of time in between each to reflect upon them.

 

I also read too much and believe too easily.

 

Experience certainly comes with age, but then again, so does emotional baggage. Both my ex and I were guilty of not checking these at the door, and I think that that may have contributed at least a little to what happened.

 

I agree that there comes a point when watching a salvageable relationship fail, regardless of the reason, becomes very painful.

 

Well, it's always painful. But the more experience you have, the more maturity you gain, the harder it is to walk away from something that you've put effort into without at least trying to save it.

 

I spent an awful lot of time involving my ex in my life. Introducing her to my friends, family, and loved ones. Bringing her to all sorts of events and involving her and every single one of my interests. Maybe I killed the "mystery" that generates that "spark" of interest and attraction that everyone seems so keen on...but I always want to build a solid foundation for a relationship to rest upon...something that can withstand the inevitable fade of sexual chemistry.

 

But, for some people, biology is simply too powerful to resist. The reptian part of the brain takes over, and they chase the next "spark" of lust.

 

Okay 30 isn't even close to 46....sorry!

 

In a real, honest and mature relationship, I think the mystery and spark needs to fade. Like you, I have been relentless about understanding what went wrong, to make some kind of sense of it. I've learned that it's common for relationships to fall apart exactly at this stage - when they move from the lust/honeymoon phase to the real day to day life. Some people understand this and keep moving forward. Others take it as a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. I hope this helps!

[Never Again]

Okay 30 isn't even close to 46....sorry!

 

In a real, honest and mature relationship, I think the mystery and spark needs to fade. Like you, I have been relentless about understanding what went wrong, to make some kind of sense of it. I've learned that it's common for relationships to fall apart exactly at this stage - when they move from the lust/honeymoon phase to the real day to day life. Some people understand this and keep moving forward. Others take it as a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. I hope this helps!

 

No need to apologize, haha.

 

Well, I see "good" relationships fall apart for a few reasons around this point.

 

Some people search for an ideal partner - one that fits their expectations or needs 100% without them having to communicate or put an ounce of work in themselves - someone who will meet all of their needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, etc) without them having to communicate a thing. I've even heard people VOCALIZE this bullsh*t - claiming that the "right" partner (the "one" if you will), will just KNOW what they need and will take care of it.

 

Personally, I find this boring, naive and lazy.

 

I've also seen people that subscribe to the following theory of "love"

 

- Love equals passion

- Passion equals uncertainty

- Uncertainty equals drama

- Drama equals possibility of loss

- Possibility of loss equals love

 

To these people, progressing out of the "passionate love" stage is unnatural. It's drama or nothin'. High energy thrill seeking at it's finest.

 

 

I don't really seek to understand it, per se. I just try to take it in to realize that, just maybe, there wasn't anything wrong with me at all.

 

It certainly does help

[BrightHope]

No need to apologize, haha.

 

Well, I see "good" relationships fall apart for a few reasons around this point.

 

Some people search for an ideal partner - one that fits their expectations or needs 100% without them having to communicate or put an ounce of work in themselves - someone who will meet all of their needs (physical, emotional, intellectual, etc) without them having to communicate a thing. I've even heard people VOCALIZE this bullsh*t - claiming that the "right" partner (the "one" if you will), will just KNOW what they need and will take care of it.

 

Personally, I find this boring, naive and lazy.

 

I've also seen people that subscribe to the following theory of "love"

 

- Love equals passion

- Passion equals uncertainty

- Uncertainty equals drama

- Drama equals possibility of loss

- Possibility of loss equals love

 

To these people, progressing out of the "passionate love" stage is unnatural. It's drama or nothin'. High energy thrill seeking at it's finest.

 

 

I don't really seek to understand it, per se. I just try to take it in to realize that, just maybe, there wasn't anything wrong with me at all.

 

It certainly does help

 

Pfenixphire....you are cheering up this 46 year old on a Saturday night!

 

And I'm not there yet, but like you I'm having flashes of...you know what? There isn't anything wrong with me either. I did my best and if that's not good enough, well so be it.

 

And I'm not naive enough to think that there is ONE person for everyone. As you point out, what matters is committing to working it out with ONE person. Don't you think?