Did your dumper blame you?

October 31, 2013

For the breakup and for things that they themselves should be responsible for? Even until now when i think of her i feel disgusted by how she put layers of blame on me when we breakup despite not being my fault.(worse part is i suddenly miss her now after being in NC for months)

October 31, 2013

This is called 'blame-shifting'. Very common...

October 31, 2013

Yes, pretty much. She even said she felt she did nothing wrong in the relationship at all. smh

October 31, 2013

Yes, pretty much. She even said she felt she did nothing wrong in the relationship at all. smh

I got the same "there's nothing wrong" line. She even took it a step further and said that all the right pieces were there...that it should've been perfect.

But when the "spark" faded, when the infatuation/lust/attraction waned, I was out on my ass without warning or an attempt to fix it.

So I felt indirectly blamed even though I was told I had done nothing wrong. It's not what I did, it's who I am - stable, open, humble, genuine and available to my partner. Apparently the most unattractive traits to the subconcious mind ever.

I'm by no means perfect. Being genuine has the downside of getting hurt/sad and showing it when it happens - which I suppose is unmanly - but I try to support my partner even if it means pushing then to do what they really don't want to.

October 31, 2013

Oh yeah - all the blame was on me. It's so the dumper can move on easier. These are selfish people with a really bad character trait that they'll always have.

In reality, the reasons for my break up were stemming from both sides and she never once acknowledged how her habits were hurting our relationship. When there is no acknowledgment to begin with, they're not going to try to fix anything. They have this skewed perception of what's wrong with the relationship all along - it's not just them pinning it all on you the very moment they dump you.

October 31, 2013

Yes, pretty much. She even said she felt she did nothing wrong in the relationship at all. smh

Wow..how long ago was that?Did she eventually realise she played a part?

October 31, 2013

Oh yeah - all the blame was on me. It's so the dumper can move on easier. These are selfish people with a really bad character trait that they'll always have.

In reality, the reasons for my break up were stemming from both sides and she never once acknowledged how her habits were hurting our relationship. When there is no acknowledgment to begin with, they're not going to try to fix anything. They have this skewed perception of what's wrong with the relationship all along - it's not just them pinning it all on you the very moment they dump you.

I find these people incredible to be able to manipulate themselves into thinking it's all the other party's fault.

October 31, 2013

But when the "spark" faded, when the infatuation/lust/attraction waned, I was out on my ass without warning or an attempt to fix it.

Yup. You know, it's one thing to not want to work at a short-term or purely sexual RS, but I just don't comprehend how someone can just give up so easily at something that was built over years and years and has so much intimacy and trust invested in it. Not even want to work at it in the slightest. Would rather just get into a new RS. Well, that IS my ex. That is NOT me. Just can't do it.

I was obviously at a different place than my ex as far as our RS. And now I'm the one toiling in pain and suffering. I was in love. She wasn't. Although I spend only a small amount of time trying to understand this at this point, it's still just so far beyond my comprehension. I don't understand. I just don't get it.

It's not what I did, it's who I am - stable, open, humble, genuine and available to my partner. Apparently the most unattractive traits to the subconcious mind ever.

I'm by no means perfect. Being genuine has the downside of getting hurt/sad and showing it when it happens - which I suppose is unmanly.

Yeah. This happened to me as well. However, I'm learning it actually does have a lot to do with who I am. Realized I was co-dependent, had weak boundaries and low self-esteem while in my latest RS

Oh yeah - all the blame was on me. It's so the dumper can move on easier. These are selfish people with a really bad character trait that they'll always have.

In reality, the reasons for my break up were stemming from both sides and she never once acknowledged how her habits were hurting our relationship. When there is no acknowledgment to begin with, they're not going to try to fix anything. They have this skewed perception of what's wrong with the relationship all along - it's not just them pinning it all on you the very moment they dump you.

Agreed. My ex NEVER admitted to any fault or blame when our RS started having problems. I know that I had my share, but so did she. She never took responsibility though. Never. Always my fault. She apologized to me for hurting me, causing problems, being cold, etc... exactly ZERO times in three years.

So many red-flags when looking back. Yet still hung on and simply couldn't let go. I was so attracted to her. So in love with the idea of her and us. Didn't see what was really going on. I was foolish, naive and weak when in that RS. I only hope I can learn and grow and have a more healthy and successful RS in the future. Honestly, not sure though.

October 31, 2013

Its weird how they blame us, never take responsibility for their own action.. Soo pathetic!! After all i did, pay his bill, rent, debt, arrears, petrol, sunbed, hair cut i still managed to get blamed for everything. Made me laugh how sad they sound- quick to shift the blame on other people.

They will never get far in life if they never take responsibility for their own action and admit their fault

October 31, 2013

HAHAHAAHAHA

Like ONE MILLION PERCENT.

Last I saw him, he was driving me to the bus stop to leave town and I was crying and we were arguing and he even shouted at me: "I TREATED YOU LIKE A QUEEEEEEN!!!!!"

He wasn't a horrible guy, had many good things. But if he DID treat me like a queen, then maybe I AM crazy for constantly breaking up with him and nagging him, so maybe he DOES in fact deserve better. </sarcasm>

October 31, 2013

Wow..how long ago was that?Did she eventually realise she played a part?

She said that 6 weeks post breakup. I'm now at 21 weeks. I'm not sure if she realized it, I haven't really talked to her other than two very very brief texts since then. For her own sale, I hope she has come to the realization her **** does stink too, but I wouldn't be too sure.

October 31, 2013

Yeah. This happened to me as well. However, I'm learning it actually does have a lot to do with who I am. Realized I was co-dependent, had weak boundaries and low self-esteem while in my latest RS

Please just be sure those were actual problems, and not issues you're assuming you had throughout the entire relationship because you need to explain why it ended.

If they were present the whole time and you feel the need to improve, then I applaud you for being self aware and pursuing self improvement. If these traits only arose from time to time, well...that's different.

We all have moments of weakness, of putting our significant other's needs above our own, flexing our boundaries and compromising, and needing the validation of the person closest to us.

"Boundaries" that are too strong simply becomes a tendency to be overly controlling, after all.

Anyone who says otherwise is full of it, and that includes anyone spouting that alpha male bullsh*t.

October 31, 2013

He blamed me for the split. He broke up with me, but the last time we spoke claimed that I walked out on him. I'm sill confused about it.

It's called gaslighting. http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-“crazy”/

Pretty much exactly that. The article is written for women. But I don't pay attention to gender. What a guy does to a women, a women can do the same exact thing to a man. It's an interesting read nonetheless.

October 31, 2013

God yeah I got blamed! Got cursed out for finding out she was cheating on me....yep! The fall of the Roman Empire was probably my fault too!

October 31, 2013

I got the same "there's nothing wrong" line. She even took it a step further and said that all the right pieces were there...that it should've been perfect.

But when the "spark" faded, when the infatuation/lust/attraction waned, I was out on my ass without warning or an attempt to fix it.

So I felt indirectly blamed even though I was told I had done nothing wrong.

Pfenixphire...this is EXACTLY what my ex said. He no longer felt lust towards me. I too was out on my ass with no attempt to fix it or even discuss it. It was just the way it was after three years together. I don't know about you, but i felt so hurt and humiliated, like he was dismissing our entire relationship as a friendship and a mistake. Crushing. Did you feel this way too? What has helped you deal with this kind of breakup? For me, realizing that he didn't even want to talk about why the lust faded or consider that this could be a normal phase of a relationship has been very reassuring. Do I really want to be with someone who won't talk about issues....as tough as they may be....before deciding it's over? I don't believe this yet, but is getting there I hope you are too!

October 31, 2013

Pfenixphire...this is EXACTLY what my ex said. He no longer felt lust towards me. I too was out on my ass with no attempt to fix it or even discuss it. It was just the way it was after three years together. I don't know about you, but i felt so hurt and humiliated, like he was dismissing our entire relationship as a friendship and a mistake. Crushing. Did you feel this way too? What has helped you deal with this kind of breakup? For me, realizing that he didn't even want to talk about why the lust faded or consider that this could be a normal phase of a relationship has been very reassuring. Do I really want to be with someone who won't talk about issues....as tough as they may be....before deciding it's over? I don't believe this yet, but is getting there I hope you are too!

It's been a slow process, but realizing that the girl I was seeing must have been very emotionally immature, and that she lacked the skill or courage to communicate with me effectively despite how often I supported her....well, that's definitely made it a little easier.

Don't necessarily blame her. It's not her fault and I don't necessarily believe that I deserve "better". She's just a product of her own experiences, just like the rest of us. She's never had a healthy or mature relationship, so I can't hold it against her that she has no idea how that is supposed to evolve over time. If anything, I feel bad for her.

That's no excuse for stringing me along like she has in her confusion, but realizing that I was not wholly responsible for my break up certainly has helped me heal.

Your situation is interesting because he had the self awareness to admit that it was lust that was lacking. It's still incredibly immature that he decided to end the relationship over this, since those feelings of lust and infatuation do not last forever...but some people are questing after the eternal "spark" that never fades.

November 1, 2013

Pfenixphire...this is EXACTLY what my ex said. He no longer felt lust towards me. I too was out on my ass with no attempt to fix it or even discuss it. It was just the way it was after three years together. I don't know about you, but i felt so hurt and humiliated, like he was dismissing our entire relationship as a friendship and a mistake. Crushing. Did you feel this way too? What has helped you deal with this kind of breakup? For me, realizing that he didn't even want to talk about why the lust faded or consider that this could be a normal phase of a relationship has been very reassuring. Do I really want to be with someone who won't talk about issues....as tough as they may be....before deciding it's over? I don't believe this yet, but is getting there I hope you are too!

I get what you're saying. It makes me think my ex was using me. Never really had feelings past the basic excitement of the beginning of a new RS. Then after that, just used me as I was familiar, comfortable, secure and dependable. She never moved on to the more intimate and loving feelings. Meanwhile I did, and assumed she did as well (since she made it seem like she did). I believe this is why it is so easy for her to just end it and move on. B*tch I am quite sure she did this before me and will do this again to some other poor dude too. Just seems like her MO. I could be wrong, but this is what I have come up with

November 1, 2013

It's been a slow process, but realizing that the girl I was seeing must have been very emotionally immature, and that she lacked the skill or courage to communicate with me effectively despite how often I supported her....well, that's definitely made it a little easier.

Don't necessarily blame her. It's not her fault and I don't necessarily believe that I deserve "better". She's just a product of her own experiences, just like the rest of us. She's never had a healthy or mature relationship, so I can't hold it against her that she has no idea how that is supposed to evolve over time. If anything, I feel bad for her.

That's no excuse for stringing me along like she has in her confusion, but realizing that I was not wholly responsible for my break up certainly has helped me heal.

Your situation is interesting because he had the self awareness to admit that it was lust that was lacking. It's still incredibly immature that he decided to end the relationship over this, since those feelings of lust and infatuation do not last forever...but some people are questing after the eternal "spark" that never fades.

Yes, he realized it was lust after asking me to pick up my life and move across the country to live with him Thankfully, I hadn't quit my job or sold my house!

You seem to have come to some kind of acceptance and understanding of your relationship and it's nice to read. I think I read on one of your previous posts that you were a bit older....I'm 46. You wrote that your ex was a product of her experience. With age comes a lot more of this experience which adds to the challenges. You are very insightful. I think too when relationships fail at this age when we think they could have been saved, it just makes it harder somehow, don't you?

November 1, 2013

I get what you're saying. It makes me think my ex was using me. Never really had feelings past the basic excitement of the beginning of a new RS. Then after that, just used me as I was familiar, comfortable, secure and dependable. She never moved on to the more intimate and loving feelings. Meanwhile I did, and assumed she did as well (since she made it seem like she did). I believe this is why it is so easy for her to just end it and move on. B*tch I am quite sure she did this before me and will do this again to some other poor dude too. Just seems like her MO. I could be wrong, but this is what I have come up with

Im sure she wasn't using you! But as I have learned (the hard way) you can't make anyone else try just because you are willing to. Sucks, doesn't it?

November 1, 2013

Oh yeah - all the blame was on me. It's so the dumper can move on easier. These are selfish people with a really bad character trait that they'll always have.

In reality, the reasons for my break up were stemming from both sides and she never once acknowledged how her habits were hurting our relationship. When there is no acknowledgment to begin with, they're not going to try to fix anything. They have this skewed perception of what's wrong with the relationship all along - it's not just them pinning it all on you the very moment they dump you.

Mine always says i don't accept her for who she is whenever i bring up bad habits about her so she can change.Fact is whether she change or not i was there for her and remained as loving.Then ironically when we break up,she says she didn't grow or learn anything from the relationship. So i am supposed to be responsible for her own growth when she doesn't even want to make positive changes herself? I wonder what her head is made of.

November 1, 2013

I think some dumpers are really good at manipulating the dumpee into thinking it was something they did or didn't do and it's all their fault. You are already in a fragile state when they are doing it because you know they are going to BU so you actually start to believe the things they tell you and start to feel bad about yourself.

I was in an on/off relationship for many years but the BU would never last long so I didn't get the time reflect on what the relationship was actually like. Previously I used to think if i could only do this or that, be this way or that way, then we would stay together. I would think there is something wrong with me.

It's only months after that I have had the chance to actually look at what went on between us, how the relationship actually was, and I realize he is actually the one who has a lot of issues. I'm not saying I have none but he was very good at putting his insecurities onto me and making me feel like I was doing something wrong or not enough.

November 1, 2013

I think some dumpers are really good at manipulating the dumpee into thinking it was something they did or didn't do and it's all their fault. You are already in a fragile state when they are doing it because you know they are going to BU so you actually start to believe the things they tell you and start to feel bad about yourself.

I was in an on/off relationship for many years but the BU would never last long so I didn't get the time reflect on what the relationship was actually like. Previously I used to think if i could only do this or that, be this way or that way, then we would stay together. I would think there is something wrong with me.

It's only months after that I have had the chance to actually look at what went on between us, how the relationship actually was, and I realize he is actually the one who has a lot of issues. I'm not saying I have none but he was very good at putting his insecurities onto me and making me feel like I was doing something wrong or not enough.

You are right.You mention on/off relationship,did he dump you repeatedly and come back like nothing happen?Did he blame you everytime you break up?

November 1, 2013

You are right.You mention on/off relationship,did he dump you repeatedly and come back like nothing happen?Did he blame you everytime you break up?

Yep. Dumped me repeatedly. Always for things that I was doing or not doing. And everytime he came back it was because suddenly he had realized this or that and thought it would work out. I mean I hadn't changed, he hadn't really changed. And everytime I really thought there was something wrong with me. Damaged my self esteem and self confidence and looking back I should of had the respect for myself to not take him back. But as I said we were never apart for long and I suppose I didn't think he was treating me that bad or have the time to reflect. I would always be what the hell happened there?

I have come to realize he is a damaged, insecure, very needy person. And he would project that onto me. I don't think he will ever be really happy with anyone because his expectations of a partner are so high. And yet he really doesn't contribute that much to the relationship himself so should not of been so critical of me.

It's taking time for me to get happy again and just realize there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm a great person and anyone would be lucky to have me.

November 1, 2013

Yep. Dumped me repeatedly. Always for things that I was doing or not doing. And everytime he came back it was because suddenly he had realized this or that and thought it would work out. I mean I hadn't changed, he hadn't really changed. And everytime I really thought there was something wrong with me. Damaged my self esteem and self confidence and looking back I should of had the respect for myself to not take him back. But as I said we were never apart for long and I suppose I didn't think he was treating me that bad or have the time to reflect. I would always be what the hell happened there?

I have come to realize he is a damaged, insecure, very needy person. And he would project that onto me. I don't think he will ever be really happy with anyone because his expectations of a partner are so high. And yet he really doesn't contribute that much to the relationship himself so should not of been so critical of me.

It's taking time for me to get happy again and just realize there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm a great person and anyone would be lucky to have me.

Sounds like the time and distance has given you some clarity. As I wrote above, just because you were willing to work at it, doesn't mean the other person is. That's a very hard thing to accept. And someone that is critical of others and has overly high expectations usually isn't very secure with themselves. You are right - you are a great person and someone is going to be very lucky to have you!

November 1, 2013

At first my ex blamed everything on me (he cheated) then he said it's because I deserve better than him followed by you don't love me like you use to....

It was a rather interesting break up conversation very one sided as he did all the talking. I didn't see a point in contributing to this conversation but I had to listen because I was in his car and he was driving me home and we've been NC since that day.

Until recently of course because after 6 YEARS he decided he made a mistake and must have me back. Again another one sided thing because I'm way over him and yes I did realize that I deserved better than him.

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Did your dumper blame you?

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