Belle88 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I have two friends that are in my social circle but typically we only hang out alone so occasionally they see each other when we have a party or a group outing. I would consider the two of them to be my some of my closest friends. The first friend we'll call him T is a player. He is older and divorced. He is a big flirt and often leads women on. I think he likes to do it to boost his self-esteem but often gets bored with these women and just stops talking to them. He has never formally dated any of the girls since I've known him for almost 2 years. He hangs out with them and then messes around with them and that's pretty much it. He also has a long-term girlfriend that he is off/on with. The second friend we'll call A. She is married with two small children and has never said anything to me about her marriage. So over the weekend they both got extremely drunk at get together and T was hitting on A. A was embarrassed the next day and asked me to not tell our other friends. I find out from T that A has been texting him for hours telling him that she really likes him but doesn't know what to do because of her marriage. So I message her to see what in the world is going on so she confesses her feelings about him to me. Here's the thing that I am worried about is since T has a history of leading on women I am really worried about A. I asked T if he had interest in her and he gave a generic answer which basically said he doesn't but she told me today that they talked all night. She doesn't know him well enough to know his history. I feel so awkward to be in the middle of this. Why does it make me feel so weird?
Shepp Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Cant you just make a joke? "haha you wanna stay away from him A, he's our very own Joey Tribbiani, ha ha ha"? Ten you've filled her in, you haven't dropped him in it (you were just messing about) and now you can live and let live.
Quiet Storm Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I would try your best to stop her from possibley making the worst mistake of her life. She confided in you, which opens the door for her to hear your opinion. Cheating on her husband will put her marriage, and her children's home/security/stability in jeopardy. Tell her that it is NORMAL for married people to find others attractive, but that she doesn't have to act on those feelings. It is her job to protect her marriage & to respect her husband and kids- not feed an attraction to some old player. Married people should have clear boundaries to avoid a "slippery slope". Talking on the phone, flirting, texting...some see that as innocent, but it sets the stage for an affair. She will start to feel comfortable & familiar with him and let her guard down. You feel weird about it because she is married & he is a player. You were probably raised with values and feel that marriage should be respected. You know he won't ever be serious about her, and here she is, doing things to risk her family's well being, for some guy that is just trying to get in her pants. He probably a bigger kick out of being with married women because it makes him feel superior over her husband. So he will shower her with attention, make her feel like they have this awesome connection, she will end up doing things she never thought she'd do, and then he'll ignore her and move on to the next conquest. She will be the one responsible for dropping a bomb on her familiy. Even if her husband never finds out, this will damage the intimacy between them. Friends shouldn't just tell people what they want to hear. Look out for her best interests & tell her the risks of her actions. She is feeling giddy & will make excuses, but she needs a reality check, big time. Many wayward women would die for the chance to turn back time. She may not listen, may say MYOB, but at least you put it out there. It will give her something to think about. As for him, he is in conquer mode. You can try to tell him about her family, but he probably doesn't respect marriage.
Shepp Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I didn't read this properly enough to realise she was married. That's different! Wake her up to what shes doing!!
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Friends shouldn't just tell people what they want to hear. Look out for her best interests & tell her the risks of her actions. She is feeling giddy & will make excuses, but she needs a reality check, big time. Aye. When faced with the choice, friends should be honest, not kind. Obviously don't meddle by forcefully keeping them apart, but lay the truth-hammer upon her. He needs a sound beating across the head. She doesn't have "feelings" for him. She's feeling the giddy rush of "chemistry". It's likely that things have gotten a little routine at home, and this is something shiny, new and forbidden. Not to mention fraught with "danger" and incompatibilities. The less available something is, the more people want it right? Social stupidity at its finest. Now, this may reveal that something is wrong in her marriage. Or, perhaps something is wrong with her. Has he suddenly decided that it's easier to chase down a new "spark" than reignite the one with her husband? If she's truly unhappy in her marriage anyway, this may just be an excuse to get out. Either she needs to fix that first, or do her husband a favor and leave now before she does something abominable. Bleh.
Author Belle88 Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Ugh, I am just annoyed by this whole situation and it may come down to losing two good friends over it and that's fine by me. I talked to T and told him about how I think he needs to back off and let it be with her and not give her false hope. After that I found out that he messaged her all day today. I talked to A today as well and she still feels giddy. I tried to reason with her about the situation and how I didn't want her to make a decision that could ruin not only her life but her children's life as well. She told me that has been having marital issues over the past year or so and is at the place where she wants to separate. I think her crush has brought a lot of things out. I told her that she needs to work out her issues first before starting an affair. I'm pretty disgusted that my guy friend is still playing along with her even though he knows this could damage relationship.
Valen Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 I would have never kept a friend like T around. He's a slim-ball. You warn him to backoff and you warned A about him. You did your part as a friend. A is obviously looking for a way out of her marriage at this point. Sad that you have been caught in the middle of this.
CC12 Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Ugh, I am just annoyed by this whole situation and it may come down to losing two good friends over it and that's fine by me. I don't think you should let go of friendships over this. You told them both why they should not pursue this relationship, and if they do it anyway, let them. It's their decision to make. You don't need to take it personally that they're not taking your advice. It just is what it is. I tried to reason with her about the situation and how I didn't want her to make a decision that could ruin not only her life but her children's life as well. She told me that has been having marital issues over the past year or so and is at the place where she wants to separate. I think her crush has brought a lot of things out. I told her that she needs to work out her issues first before starting an affair. Okay, but did you tell her specifically that T has a history of flirting with girls and then just never speaking to them again?
Author Belle88 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Posted November 4, 2013 Well they've started having sex now. A called me last night and told me but she told me that she didn't feel regret and would be open to having a sexual relationship with him for a while. I asked her what she plans to do with her husband and she has no idea. She told that she realizes that T will probably never a relationship with her and she was okay with that.
d0nnivain Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 A is a big girl & she is free to make her own (bad) choices. I don't think I could hang out with the both of them together again & I'd for sure avoid A's husband but other than that, you can't do much. When T gets bored, decide how much you want to be there to pick up the peices of A's shattered self esteem & heart.
f1asr88 Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Wow, poor A's husband! How selfish can you be? With children involved as well What A deserves is for her to be used up and dumped by T, for her husband and children to find out afterwards and disown her, and for you not to be any support whatsoever as a friend afterwards, just saying I told you so. But to be honest it doesn't sound like she even cares. How depressing!
Author Belle88 Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 I've decided that I need to spend some time away from them and the situation. Initally I was closer to T than A. He knew she was one of my close friends ( he met through me ) and still he does that? I feel like he obviously doesn't care about our friendship or my friendship with A because he knows how bad this situation is. He has been in a relationship where his GF cheated on him and he was devastated for a long time. I've lost my respect for both of them.
CherryT Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) Ugh, I am just annoyed by this whole situation and it may come down to losing two good friends over it and that's fine by me. I talked to T and told him about how I think he needs to back off and let it be with her and not give her false hope. After that I found out that he messaged her all day today. I talked to A today as well and she still feels giddy. I tried to reason with her about the situation and how I didn't want her to make a decision that could ruin not only her life but her children's life as well. She told me that has been having marital issues over the past year or so and is at the place where she wants to separate. I think her crush has brought a lot of things out. I told her that she needs to work out her issues first before starting an affair. I'm pretty disgusted that my guy friend is still playing along with her even though he knows this could damage relationship. Whoops! Just read that they've already had sex. You did all you could and told her what your opinion was. At the end of it, she's an adult and she makes her own decisions. Whether she regrets it and sh*t hits the fan later, it's up to you if you want to be there to support her. Not sure if you're friends with A's husband, but I'd distance myself from the whole situation. I've been put in the middle before as well and all you can do is just tell that person you don't agree. IF they choose to do it, they're their own responsibilities. She might regret it, she might not. Depends how honest she is being about her and her husband being 100% over. I'd also reconsider what kind of friends I have, especially if they think that is morally OK to do. Edited November 5, 2013 by CherryT 1
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