When us, OW, forget who we really are

[C00kie]

Ah, us woman, us OW always wondering if maybe we're not being understanding enough; walking on eggshells so that we don't ruin things (even when they're kind of ruined to begin with); trying to see things from his point of view, offering to help unconditionally, settling for less than we deserve hoping someday it will change, going through some really agonising moments, the overthinking, and so on.

 

Now, I'm not here to talk about affairs, whether they're right or wrong. I believe some will work, some won't, pretty much like everything else in life. But even when it works, even when the OW becomes the one and only, she doesn't get there without a few scars and bruises and that's what I want to talk about.

 

My MM is not a bad person (what is a bad person anyway? someone who kills people? or the MM's unconsiderate behaviour towards the wife or the other woman would fit in that category as well?) - but takes me for granted. My fault entirely. I always wanted to be the best for him, to do my best for him, and I believe it comes out naturally when you really love someone.

 

So, I put myself in situations where we're chatting and suddenly he says "gotta go", or I don't hear from him in 2 days, when she's home for instance, or even when he travels alone business related. He then may say things like "sorry about that", briefly, or act like nothing happened, or (the worst for me): "well, I thought about sending you an sms, but it was so late I thought you'd be asleep". Really? Well. What a pathetic excuse. Why didn't you send it the morning after, then? I mean, you can go take a sh** in the bathroom and send an sms. Takes 15 seconds. You don't do it because you don't want it, period.

 

The reason he doesn't do it is not because he's crazy in love with his wife and wants to spend every little moment with her. Is not because he's afraid of her finding out (he knows I don't call when he's with her except if it was a huge emergency). Is not because he forgot about me. It's simply because he's relaxes. He knows I'm there and won't go out of his way because he doesn't have to. He's selfish, or has selfish traits like most MM have.

 

Besides, these men have very poor perception of what a relationship is supposed to be like, or what it really is like to respect someone and be commited. Trying to make him see sense, sometimes, may push him even further away, so you try to avoid arguments because you don't want to lose him. You get to a point where your whole world revolves around him; you depend on him like a drug. A simple sms from him will brighten up your day and the lack of communication will throw you in bed for the whole day and cause loss of appetite. Sad.

 

I was never the type to avoid arguments, I always speak my mind; but now I do avoid arguments. And I don't know if it's the fear of losing him anymore. It's because I want peace. It's because I realise I've done all I could and nothing I keep saying will change things unless he really wants to. And if he is or was a coward, an ass, then he's in the wrong not you. Don't replay the hows and whys.

 

I may take now a step back and see what happens. Heartbbreaking as it is, and it really is, I want to believe that if we're not meant to be...no matter how hard I try, we just won't be. You can fight for love, but you just have to know when to stop and put yourself first, just like he does, not out of revenge, but because you deserve to be happy.

 

When I say putting yourself first I don't mean being selfish. I mean you have the right not to be available all the time; you have the right not to wait for his calls and just turn off your phone and sleep; you have the right to have your time, your rest, your pleace, your plans, just like he does, You have the right to speak your mind without feeling guilty, because he does way worse and doesn't feel half as guilty as you do for something you don't even have to feel guilt about.

 

Sometimes I look back on my 30 years of life, think of the girl I was, the dreams I had, the things I've gone through and think to myself: don't let yourself forget about that. You can do so much better. Just be happy and don't be afraid to.

 

People who love you will stand by your side for who you are, not because you're forcing them, or wondering strategies to keep them around, or trying to be someone you're not, or giving up your well being and peace for them. You can do all that and still lose; in fact, you'll probably lose.

 

You can love him, but love yourselves too please. If it doesn't work out in the end...then it wouldn't have anyway.

Edited October 31, 2013 by C00kie

[Mount]

Very well said, good insight.

[Livingeachday]

Cookie this is a truly wonderfull post!

[krazikat]

Ah, us woman, us OW always wondering if maybe we're not being understanding enough; walking on eggshells so that we don't ruin things (even when they're kind of ruined to begin with); trying to see things from his point of view, offering to help unconditionally, settling for less than we deserve hoping someday it will change, going through some really agonising moments, the overthinking, and so on.

 

Now, I'm not here to talk about affairs, whether they're right or wrong. I believe some will work, some won't, pretty much like everything else in life. But even when it works, even when the OW becomes the one and only, she doesn't get there without a few scars and bruises and that's what I want to talk about.

 

My MM is not a bad person (what is a bad person anyway? someone who kills people? or the MM's unconsiderate behaviour towards the wife or the other woman would fit in that category as well?) - but takes me for granted. My fault entirely. I always wanted to be the best for him, to do my best for him, and I believe it comes out naturally when you really love someone.

 

So, I put myself in situations where we're chatting and suddenly he says "gotta go", or I don't hear from him in 2 days, when she's home for instance, or even when he travels alone business related. He then may say things like "sorry about that", briefly, or act like nothing happened, or (the worst for me): "well, I thought about sending you an sms, but it was so late I thought you'd be asleep". Really? Well. What a pathetic excuse. Why didn't you send it the morning after, then? I mean, you can go take a sh** in the bathroom and send an sms. Takes 15 seconds. You don't do it because you don't want it, period.

 

The reason he doesn't do it is not because he's crazy in love with his wife and wants to spend every little moment with her. Is not because he's afraid of her finding out (he knows I don't call when he's with her except if it was a huge emergency). Is not because he forgot about me. It's simply because he's relaxes. He knows I'm there and won't go out of his way because he doesn't have to. He's selfish, or has selfish traits like most MM have.

 

Besides, these men have very poor perception of what a relationship is supposed to be like, or what it really is like to respect someone and be commited. Trying to make him see sense, sometimes, may push him even further away, so you try to avoid arguments because you don't want to lose him. You get to a point where your whole world revolves around him; you depend on him like a drug. A simple sms from him will brighten up your day and the lack of communication will throw you in bed for the whole day and cause loss of appetite. Sad.

 

I was never the type to avoid arguments, I always speak my mind; but now I do avoid arguments. And I don't know if it's the fear of losing him anymore. It's because I want peace. It's because I realise I've done all I could and nothing I keep saying will change things unless he really wants to. And if he is or was a coward, an ass, then he's in the wrong not you. Don't replay the hows and whys.

 

I may take now a step back and see what happens. Heartbbreaking as it is, and it really is, I want to believe that if we're not meant to be...no matter how hard I try, we just won't be. You can fight for love, but you just have to know when to stop and put yourself first, just like he does, not out of revenge, but because you deserve to be happy.

 

When I say putting yourself first I don't mean being selfish. I mean you have the right not to be available all the time; you have the right not to wait for his calls and just turn off your phone and sleep; you have the right to have your time, your rest, your pleace, your plans, just like he does, You have the right to speak your mind without feeling guilty, because he does way worse and doesn't feel half as guilty as you do for something you don't even have to feel guilt about.

 

Sometimes I look back on my 30 years of life, think of the girl I was, the dreams I had, the things I've gone through and think to myself: don't let yourself forget about that. You can do so much better. Just be happy and don't be afraid to.

 

People who love you will stand by your side for who you are, not because you're forcing them, or wondering strategies to keep them around, or trying to be someone you're not, or giving up your well being and peace for them. You can do all that and still lose; in fact, you'll probably lose.

 

You can love him, but love yourselves too please. If it doesn't work out in the end...then it wouldn't have anyway.

 

This advice is good for any woman in a relationship. We tend to be the nurturers who place others happiness and/or needs before our own....from the man in our lives, kids, other family members, etc. We all need to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually to ensure we are living authentically and happily.

[C00kie]

Having said that...I can't take the uncertainty, the sleepless nights, the waking up crying, the insecurity, the lack of self control, the desperation, the wondering, the over analysing...no more. Just can't take it no more.

 

Today is day 1, day of all saints which I'm hoping will be a good sign. ;)Tomorrow, the day of the dead so hopefully I'll bury some unhealthy behaviours sooner or later.

 

I'm gonna go counselling. I need to. I wanna try and save myself (dramatic as it sounds, I'm so lost, so needy, what I wouldn't give to feel loved, for a hug - and I'm NOT one of those woman who can't be independent and need to have someone by her side at all times, but this situation has sucked the life out of me. I feel like an empty shell).

 

This is not the first time I'm gonna see a therapist. I saw a psychologist for two years before this whole situation happened, because of problems self-esteem related. I also suffered from anorexia and bulimia in the past. Those two years really helped me, but now I understand how everything is still taking its toll today. Everything has to be related. If not the events, at least the way I feel about them, deal with hem, and feel about myself, in such a destructive way.

 

Sorry about my english...argh, wish I could express myself in a better way.

 

Thanks for reading

[Got it]

Cookie, my sympathies on the eating disorders. I was anorexic from the time I was a teen through college and was bulimic as well for a time in college.

 

These pieces will always be a part of you, you know you will resort to a coping mechanism of not eating when stressed/sad, so take care of yourself. I have to watch this as well and manage myself to not fall back into old habits. You need to start loving you and be your own best advocate.

 

My best advice, when you start feeling the "pull" to start starving, the heady challenge to start pushing the scale, the constant evaluation of "do I see more bone", get into therapy. Journal. And honestly, put a damn rubberband on your wrist and start snapping it when the thoughts come back.

 

I have always seen it like alcoholism and it is always there, under the surface. You just learn how to manage yourself to not go down that slippery slope and self sooth in unhealthy ways.

 

((((((Cookie))))))))

[C00kie]

Cookie, my sympathies on the eating disorders. I was anorexic from the time I was a teen through college and was bulimic as well for a time in college.

 

These pieces will always be a part of you, you know you will resort to a coping mechanism of not eating when stressed/sad, so take care of yourself. I have to watch this as well and manage myself to not fall back into old habits. You need to start loving you and be your own best advocate.

 

My best advice, when you start feeling the "pull" to start starving, the heady challenge to start pushing the scale, the constant evaluation of "do I see more bone", get into therapy. Journal. And honestly, put a damn rubberband on your wrist and start snapping it when the thoughts come back.

 

I have always seen it like alcoholism and it is always there, under the surface. You just learn how to manage yourself to not go down that slippery slope and self sooth in unhealthy ways.

 

((((((Cookie))))))))

 

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much for the support!

[ComingInHot]

COOkie, my prayers go out to you as you face and make life changing decisions. Even decisions that have nothing to do w/the A & MM are stressful!

 

I want to remind you of the once debilitating and life threatening decision to Not eat and if a bite was taken the decision you made to "get rid of it". Remember how easy it was to be so resolute in your decision that could have actually killed you?!!?

 

Engaging in this A w/MM seems like this for you too. Such a Hard decision (really, if you think about it) to decide to sleep w/another woman's Husband. Look at the Resolve you have had to take what you have taken and decide to do w/your heart, mind and soul what you have allowed. Yet because it was something you felt you Wanted, Needed even, it became such an "easy" decision.

 

Now think back to when you Realized that starving yourself and putting what little or normal or overage of nutrients you allowed yourself was, for fact, going to End you. Not the first time or second, or third or twentieth time, but "THAT" time when you knew something HAD to change.

What did you decide to do?

Change. No matter the cost, time, effort, failures, successes.

It was daily (at the time) the single most difficult war you had to wage.

And, You Won the war!!!!!!

 

But for a time, maybe even to this day, you have an eye ALWAYS looking out for this enemy to attack again. You HAVE to see it coming for your very survival.

At the same time, you have to sit w/it, dine w/it, understand it, develop a HEALTHY relationship w/it so it will NEVER overtake you again.

Because, w/out it, you'll die too.

 

You KNOW full well that it is often times the decisions that we have to make for ourselves that we KNOW are the best for us are Also the hardest for us!

 

It's SO hard to give up what we Feel we want when at the same time we KNOW we NEED something totally different.

 

COOkie, if you ever "purge" anything again, PLEASE let it be this MM from your life so you can develop a Healthy relationship w/a single or available man because we all Need healthy relationships*

 

CIH*

[Gisss]

COOkie I think this is the most wonderful post I've ever read over here. I wish I could do it too, I wish I could stop seeing him... Anyway, I hope you get it over soon and feel happy again! Wish you the best =)

[C00kie]

COOkie I think this is the most wonderful post I've ever read over here. I wish I could do it too, I wish I could stop seeing him... Anyway, I hope you get it over soon and feel happy again! Wish you the best =)

 

Thank you Gisss. You say "I wish I could do it too", but it's not like I can...not yet and surely not for the next months, who knows...we're still "together" but I'm going out of my mind and doing my best to keep this from him (I just want peace now)...not seing him is "easier" for me because we live in different towns.

 

Yesterday I e-mailed a childhood friend, who is someone I know is very trustable, she's a psychiatrist now and I asked her to make an appointment. She hasn't replied yet, but I'm really looking forward to it.

 

It's all so hard, I wish it could just end by miracle, or take an unexpected positive turn (which I know it won't, not right now anyway).

 

I love him very much but I don't think he's being fair on me, even if right now he's doing what he feels it's best (for who anyway?). If we ever get to be together, it won't be in this urgent timeframe that I need. Having said that, fighting with him all the time will not make things better. I just need to keep my cool (or get it back because I lost it), try and stay calm, for me and me only. Whatever happens, that's the only thing I can do really - trying to preserve my sanity. And I am losing it that's why I'm reaching for help.

[GettingOver]

C00kie, I can agree with everything you said, but I recently discivered that... doing all that MM could be also unhappy, at least mine. Due to some circumstances I now live in the same city with him (we used to be LD) and I see (and that's what he sais) that cheating on a regular basis - lying at home, to the kids, etc is not making him happy at all. He is being torn between me and them.He feels like a bad guy and he hates it. And he was also miserable when I broke it off, he did not like not having me around. I broke uo with him cause he "relaxed" too much. So, I cannot say that he is eating a cake. In the meantime, though I kinda put up with things, I found myself asking him for some clarifications and some future again. And I am not that aftraid to say smth being afraid to loose him as I was before. I am saying what I think and push him towards making decisions and having a realistic view on the situation. And now he knows that he can lose me, and on top if he is lying to me in any way now (like that he actually applied for D) - I come to his home and tell everything to his family. I told him. I am still dependant on him, BUT i grew stronger in a way. Well, the only thing I wanted to say is that they - our MM - are not necesserely happy with the situation, all eating their cake and being selfish.

[thecharade]

Cookie, you are spot on! You described codependency issues to a T! Love means pushing our own needs aside for theirs, because we are good, caring people, right? NO! Healthy love always means getting as much as we're giving!

 

Good luck to you. It was SO, SO hard to walk away. (Well, leaving was easier than dealing with the months of painful turmoil inside my heart and head. That stuff was so confusing and excruciating and those thoughts made it very difficult to stay the course.) You just have to know that the battle inside of you will be won in tiny percentages each day, not in one big "Success!" It's not like that. You win in the minutes or moments of perfect peace, or on holidays when you no longer wonder or care where he is, then on weekends when you feel the joy of your own fun life, over a drink with a friend when you completely forget about him for three glorious hours! You will definitely win your way out of this painful situation, but it will be by celebrating big and small victories along the way. That has to be enough. There will not be a huge "one day" when you feel nothing for him. Start looking forward to the small moments of pure bliss, and then allow those moments a chance to work their magic.

[wannabdone]

This absolutely an AMAZING post!!!! You completely spelled out every single thing that most OW feel and do. Thank you for sharing. I think the most important thing for me, when I was going through this, was I was not alone... I wasn't crazy. Just knowing that what had happened to me and my life, and most importantly what I had allowed, was actually the normal for an abnormal circumstance.

 

Loving yourself is key!!! Acceptance as to what the reality of your situation is, is key. Those two things really go hand and hand, but both of them lead to peace.

 

Most everyone knows I was in a 10+ year A. I remember the morning I got out of the shower, and wiped away the steam from my mirror, and it hit me... I remember thinking "who are you? what have you become?". I had such high hopes for myself, what my life would be. I was a strong, strong willed woman, educated and felt at one point I could do anything. I spoke my mind, and demanded respect. But I had become the opposite. I had become a dependent, starved for attention woman, who rarely spoke her mind, worried about what she might lose. Hanging onto scraps that were thrown to me. Worried if it went over a day with out hearing from him, would this be one of those time that he would go MIA? Worried about if he would leave, if he loved me, if they had a good weekend together, if I made a good last impression, or if I had said the wrong thing, if I had shown myself to be the perfect woman... and on and on and on and on and on.... constantly worried. Worried and concern totally directed at the wrong person, when I should have been concerned and worried about me. Because it was ME that I was allowing to be destroyed, that I was losing.

 

Amazing how we will compromise and change all in the sake of love. Love is a beautiful thing, and yes there are pains that come along with it, but it simply doesn't mean that it should destroy ourselves in the process.

 

Now, here I am. Still don't have him, but never did. I figured out I couldn't lose anything I didn't have. I still love him, I still think of him everyday, and miss him everyday. What I don't miss? The worry, the hurt the constant hurting. Missing him and thinking of him everyday, is far less of a pain than what I was doing to myself. He couldn't leave, and I understand that. I do believe he wanted to, but the want to stay was more than the wanting to leave. Does that mean he loved her more than me? I don't think so. It means he loves his life and what he had more than he did me. It hurts, but it is what it is. Life is not a guarantee, and sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. Doesn't make what we had any less real, just means that what we had wasn't meant to be, not at this time. Probably in another life, in another time, when things could have been different, we would have been wonderfully happy together. But the reality is, it isn't another life or another time.

 

I had to get to the point of acceptance of reality was, not what my perception of my reality was. My reality was is that I was head over heels in love with a man, who yes, I do believe (and still to this day) was my soul mate. And yes, I do know he loved me. And yes I do believe we were supposed to be together. But he had mad a commitment to another woman, prior to meeting me. and him and her and shared a life together and had multiple children together, and as much as he and I were meant to be together, he was staying. So, I could continue to stay and take what I could get, an hour or two a week, an email on the weekend, or maybe not, and that would be it. Or I could move on with my life, as much as I could and take opportunity to work on me, to worry about me, and try and build myself up to the former me, that I was always proud of. I chose to move on, to better myself and to find myself again. It hurt like hell. BUT, I am now a "new and improved former version of myself". Not allowing bitterness to overcome me, and to take lessons from my experience and build upon myself, to allow my experiences with him (both happy and sad) to make me better. Now I am that strong willed, strong opinionated person that I once was, but with a new much more caring and understand than I once had. Not seeing things so black and white, and learning to cherish nights of going to bed with out tears, and days with out worrying.

 

I think when people try to break away, and the hurt last for a while, they just throw their hands up and run back. I did that many times, as well as my XMM did that as well. It took a VERY long time to "get over" our relationship. And I use that in quotations, because I don't think I will ever be totally over him. He is in my heart and soul, and will be there until I die. But my reality is I know that is the only place he can or will ever be. And I can make my life wonderful and find happiness, and still have that love for him. But as long as he is committed to another woman, its just not good for me. There were times I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, times I could literally feel my heart breaking.... but it does pass. It will come in waves, but the waves get less and less, the tears get less and less, and when you think of him, it won't hurt as badly. Soul mates don't always mean they are in your life forever, it means they touched your soul, and that remains forever.

 

So, here I am, two years later of not speaking or seeing him. I've seen his car drive by my house from time to time, but instead of me doing what I used to do, which was email him asking him why he was driving by (trying to act mean, but in all actuality excited), I don't reach out at all. Changed my phone number, my email address, and just a couple of months ago, changed my job. (not for him, that was for ME) And outside of him knowing where I live (which I'm not selling my home), or possibly looking me up on the internet to get my phone number for work, etc... he has no way to contact me. None of my changing my emails or phone numbers were for him either, they all happened for me and changes in my life. I just made a decision that I would no longer adjust things in my life for him, that they would all be for me.... so two year later, I still think of him daily, sometimes more than others, I still miss him in some way, shape or form everyday, I will still hear a song on the radio and cry from time to time, and some nights, maybe 1 time every couple of months will have a hard time with it, and cry, wondering why or how he could give up on us.... but I remember my reality, that it was his decision to make, and for whatever reason, he felt it to be valid, and it was my decision to no longer continue to allow him to come back and me to be here when he needed me. Its a long hard road, but it is doable.

 

Funny thing, now that I have done this, I have found myself being able to conquer things I never thought I would be able to do in other areas of my life. I am now realizing how allowing myself to change, in so many other ways of my life kept me imprisoned. I have found the courage to step out of my corporate job, and start my own firm, I have stopped smoking (9 months clean now), among MANY other things that I NEVER thought I had the courage to do.

 

A new and improved wannab, with the same great attributes I formally had, and MANY, MANY MORE!!!! All because I simply decided to love myself, and accept my reality, and also accept that my reality wasn't 100% because of what my XMM had done to me, it was what I (MYSELF) had allowed... through those simple things, I found PEACE and have become and continue to become better and better everyday.

 

Love and ((((hugs)))) to you. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!

[blue963]

thanks for that wannabe done. It does chip away at everything you are the longer you are in it. I am around 7 years now, I and so truly want to get back with the priorities of me.

[C00kie]

Wannabdone, now it's my turn to say: what an absolutely amazing post!

 

You described PERFECTLY the way I feel, the thoughts that go through my mind, the constant wondering if I said the right things, if I acted like the perfect woman etc etc etc.

 

I'm happy you got through it and have an acceptance of the whole situation; I find it admirable that you cherish the love you feel for him, that's just beautiful and I think it makes it easier to go on, keeping the good stuff and not trying to blame him or hate him for everything (even though I believe there are moments when we feel so, which is normal).

 

I am absolutely sure (well...99%, because you never know what tomorrow brings) that my MM is the love of my life and my soul mate too. This doesn't compare to anything I ever felt before, and I don't think it's only because of the circumstances - the love I feel for him is intense, is unique, and is just pure...I want him to be happy no matter what, and every night I pray that I'm able to understand him and forgive him even if he doesn't go through with what he promised (can't even bear the thought but I'm trying to get used to it...). And when I say this I don't mean forgetting myself in the process or making excuses for him, I mean finding PEACE within me because I think it's the right thing to do as a human being, not bearing grudges, just accepting everything even if there will be days where you'll want him to suffer as much as you do, even when you just want to end your life because you feel it makes no sense, if even you phisically feel your heart breaking...just being able to overcome everything and finding some peace in the end.

 

My heart is broken but your post brought me some comfort, and actually reminded me of this song

 

I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

 

<3

[C00kie]

Thanks everyone for the support. For the first time in this forum I'm feeling helped. When I (in other threads) described my situation with MM I would often find judgement and cliches that didn't apply at all and only made me more unhappy.

 

But now I'm just feeling understood and loved, thank you so much for that you're in my thoughts and your words will definetely make it easier to get out of bed each morning.

 

Thank you...

[wannabdone]

thanks for that wannabe done. It does chip away at everything you are the longer you are in it. I am around 7 years now, I and so truly want to get back with the priorities of me.

 

 

Your very welcome Blue! You will get back to it, the first step is actually seeing that you haven't made yourself a priority, and that you want to... which you HAVE DONE!! Now you just have to figure out how you can do it. And I am telling you, YOU CAN! I never thought I could.

 

Keep Posting!

[wannabdone]

Wannabdone, now it's my turn to say: what an absolutely amazing post!

 

You described PERFECTLY the way I feel, the thoughts that go through my mind, the constant wondering if I said the right things, if I acted like the perfect woman etc etc etc.

 

I'm happy you got through it and have an acceptance of the whole situation; I find it admirable that you cherish the love you feel for him, that's just beautiful and I think it makes it easier to go on, keeping the good stuff and not trying to blame him or hate him for everything (even though I believe there are moments when we feel so, which is normal).

 

I am absolutely sure (well...99%, because you never know what tomorrow brings) that my MM is the love of my life and my soul mate too. This doesn't compare to anything I ever felt before, and I don't think it's only because of the circumstances - the love I feel for him is intense, is unique, and is just pure...I want him to be happy no matter what, and every night I pray that I'm able to understand him and forgive him even if he doesn't go through with what he promised (can't even bear the thought but I'm trying to get used to it...). And when I say this I don't mean forgetting myself in the process or making excuses for him, I mean finding PEACE within me because I think it's the right thing to do as a human being, not bearing grudges, just accepting everything even if there will be days where you'll want him to suffer as much as you do, even when you just want to end your life because you feel it makes no sense, if even you phisically feel your heart breaking...just being able to overcome everything and finding some peace in the end.

 

My heart is broken but your post brought me some comfort, and actually reminded me of this song

 

I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

 

<3

 

Oh Cookie, I was very worried by reading your original post that a statement you made in this post might be a thought that ran through your mind. I completely understand, you feel like you don't have a life with out them.

 

Trust me, I have angry days and at times want him to hurt as badly as I have. That is just a part of being human. All the promises broken, all the lies, and the hurt.... how on earth could you not want him to hurt?? So, don't get me wrong, there are times I feel that way.... but after the anger dies down, I know why its there. Anger is just something that comes with fear. And no matter how angry I am with him or have been, I do still love him.

 

I am with you, this was not because of circumstances why I loved him. Quite the contrary. I HATED THE CIRCUMSTANCES. We didn't start out to have an A. We were friends, who had a deep connection from the first time we met... but thought it was just friendship, as neither one of us had ever had an A before, nor had the thought crossed our minds. Him and I were connected on a level that in my 40+ years I have never known, it was amazing and devastating all at the same time.

 

I get really mad at the people on here whether they are BS's or XOM or XOW, who come on here full of bitterness or whatever and just say the same thing over and over again. NC immediately, change all numbers, move, change your name, hair color, whatever it is... and then of course we all do this because we love the taboo, the circumstances of getting caught or the thrill of the chase... WTFE. And of course the men are always just using us for a piece. Sure there are some men who do that, and of course there are some people who are in it for the chase, for the competition. But NEVER can we just assume that every single situation is the same, and they all fall under these categories. There are people who truly meet someone who they have this connection with, but yet didn't even know connections like this where possible, like they were only in the movies. But when they find that person that they do share a connection with, the have unfortunately already met someone and married them, possibly having children with them. And were really quite content with their life, until this other person came along. And then there are those who just have A's, and this is their MO.

Only YOU know the answers to all of these questions for sure. BUT never the less, even when I get on here from time to time and see women on here who are obviously in A's with men that are just out for a piece, it seems that some ppl forget that no matter what, this woman is still in love with this man, whether we know he is a POS and she doesn't see it. So when they get on here and start blasting off their statements, I just can't believe that anyone could be so reckless with what they say.

 

Especially when its the a BS who has talked about how much their OW/OM hurt them, and had no concern for their well-being... they will be the people who then in turn will do the same to someone else. So sad.

 

I have mentioned this before, several months ago when I was on here last. It was actually a BS who helped me more than anyone on here. She was so compassionate and her story was amazing. How she allowed her H to grieve the loss of his OW, she was such an amazing person.

 

Like I said, I can not make judgments on your A or you. The only thing I know for sure cookie, is that you have been doing this for a long time, and sister, its not going to get better.

 

I have made it a mission of mine to help whomever might be struggling with these things as much as I can. So if you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me.

 

((((hugs)))))

[Oldspiceywolf]

I was an OM a few years ago. It's been full NC for over two years(she tweeted me to tell my account had been hacked a month ago, it was and I didn't respond) and sporadic contact for a year and a half before that and I still think of her everyday. Even though it wasn't easy, this situation transformed me into much greater person than I was before I met her. Reading the posts in this thread really flooded my memory of everything I felt. I still feel she is my soulmate but life mate no chance! The thing about souls is that they aren't seen, heard, smelled, or tasted but you can feel them, they our other worldly. With that being said just feeling it doesn't really help for this physical realm we exist in.

 

I'll probably write a real thread about this relationship soon but I just wanted to say what applies to this thread. I wouldn't change my experience but I know why it happened. I also struggled with body image issues and I wasn't happy about the progress I was making in my career and social life. She accepted me for me and all I had to do is accept she was in a relationship she didn't want to be in(ALL?!?!?), or so I thought. Part of me loves her with no limits but part of me hates her for not giving us the shot I thought our passion and connection deserved.

 

I put so much of myself aside to make this work that I couldn't get that person back but once I found my new self the world only got brighter. She couldn't be with me now, she couldn't handle it, I just don't have time for other peoples BullShnizz, and a selfish person who thinks it's their choice to choose between a single person and the other person they love so much they have to hide their real feelings and personality from. I still love her for who she is, liar cheater, social worker, friend, lover, cutie pie, volleyball player, daughter, sister, and hopefully one day mother, but that doesn't mean I need to accept less than what I want from her so she can live two lives.

 

I have so much more to say so I'm starting a new thread but remember it's okay to love them but we need to love ourselves more than we love them, that's how we stop the tears, the fears and get that good nights sleep we forget existed before we woke up every two hours wondering if they really love us or if we are just a distraction from the person they are sleeping next to!

[UpwardForward]

Imo, the attached OM or OW will remain with the OW or OM for a season - unless you come too close or become demanding.

 

Whether a marriage is working or not - the relationship between the married participant and the OM or OW is mostly that of enhancing their present life.

 

The spouse's reaction is usually the determining factor as to if the MM or MW run into the arms of the OW or OM permanently.

[Got it]

Imo, the attached OM or OW will remain with the OW or OM for a season - unless you come too close or become demanding.

 

Whether a marriage is working or not - the relationship between the married participant and the OM or OW is mostly that of enhancing their present life.

 

The spouse's reaction is usually the determining factor as to if the MM or MW run into the arms of the OW or OM permanently.[/QUOTE]

 

How so? And what does this have to do with the OP?

[Got it]

OP - I know this forum is difficult and I am very happy I had another one that was much more moderated so that as an OW you got to have a safe place to be happy AND sad throughout everything. Please note that there are some of us here that understand how you feel and understand the good, the bad, and the beautiful about the relationship. Regardless of why it ended and what happened, the memories, the feelings, and the actions were all there, all real.

 

While I was not a HOW, I had some amazing moments and experiences in my relationship and that will never change. I have never been loved like he loved me. And our relationship was not a reflection of nor had anything to do with his relationship with his wife.

 

But, if you find, that the relationship has more bad than good, if you find that the relationship makes you feel worse about yourself than better, if you find that you struggle to keep the relationship going in a positive manner, than the relationship may not be what you need. And that is okay. It is okay that once it worked and now it doesn't. And it is okay if you outgrow it and need to move on. Your number one relationship is the one with yourself. So that relationship will impact and influence your relationship with others. That is okay and the way it needs to be. Take what you need; leave the rest.

 

Moving on/change is hard. But there are limitless opportunities out there for you. So much to see, experience, and feel, that don't let fear hold you back. You are better, stronger, and braver than you think. And while transition is hard, it opens the door to so many other things.

 

Take care all.

[C00kie]

OP - I know this forum is difficult and I am very happy I had another one that was much more moderated so that as an OW you got to have a safe place to be happy AND sad throughout everything. Please note that there are some of us here that understand how you feel and understand the good, the bad, and the beautiful about the relationship. Regardless of why it ended and what happened, the memories, the feelings, and the actions were all there, all real.

 

While I was not a HOW, I had some amazing moments and experiences in my relationship and that will never change. I have never been loved like he loved me. And our relationship was not a reflection of nor had anything to do with his relationship with his wife.

 

But, if you find, that the relationship has more bad than good, if you find that the relationship makes you feel worse about yourself than better, if you find that you struggle to keep the relationship going in a positive manner, than the relationship may not be what you need. And that is okay. It is okay that once it worked and now it doesn't. And it is okay if you outgrow it and need to move on. Your number one relationship is the one with yourself. So that relationship will impact and influence your relationship with others. That is okay and the way it needs to be. Take what you need; leave the rest.

 

Moving on/change is hard. But there are limitless opportunities out there for you. So much to see, experience, and feel, that don't let fear hold you back. You are better, stronger, and braver than you think. And while transition is hard, it opens the door to so many other things.

 

Take care all.

 

Thanks so much. It's all just so hard to understand and accept, we have to go through so much before we are actually able to move forward...but I'm sure I'll get myself through this, whatever the outcome. Thanks for your wise and kind words!!

[UpwardForward]

Imo, the attached OM or OW will remain with the OW or OM for a season - unless you come too close or become demanding.

 

Whether a marriage is working or not - the relationship between the married participant and the OM or OW is mostly that of enhancing their present life.

 

The spouse's reaction is usually the determining factor as to if the MM or MW run into the arms of the OW or OM permanently.[/QUOTE]

 

How so? And what does this have to do with the OP?

 

I'm just trying to say COOkie, that these relationships are of a frivolous nature when the two in the R are not of the same accord.

 

His abruptness could be from boredom or having others in his life, etc etc. You should not have to worry w entertaining him, or saying the right thing.

 

Imo, everyone deserves a totally committed R. .. Or at least to know who you are and to be yourself.

Edited November 4, 2013 by UpwardForward

[Got it]

 

I'm just trying to say COOkie, that these relationships are of a frivolous nature when the two in the R are not of the same accord.

 

His abruptness could be from boredom or having others in his life, etc etc. You should not have to worry w entertaining him, or saying the right thing.

 

Imo, everyone deserves a totally committed R. .. Or at least to know who you are and to be yourself.

 

It still makes no sense to me in regards to your statement about someone's reaction and the impact on others. And I again have no idea what that has to do with the price of tea in China.

 

I agree with this post but I don't understand how this is what your first post was saying. Thank you for the clarification as I was not following.

 

Relationships are definitely hard when both people are not on the same page. I am not sure if I would use the adjective of "frivolous". Kind of insulting don't you think?