touchofgrace Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 hi everyone! this is my first post - thanks in advance for taking a look. reading through the forum, you all seem like a good bunch of folks so i thought i'd share my (short) story. my girlfriend and i were together for 3 years, 2 and a half of which we were living together. it was an instant connection - i asked her out and from then on, we were inseparable. we've always had our problems (like any couple) but one day, about a month ago, she sat me down and had "the talk" - she didn't like where the relationship was headed, we'd both become too comfortable, we'd drifted apart and become different people, etc. i totally agree with her on all these accounts, so i suppose on some level our breaking up was mutual. but the more time we spend apart, the more i remember why we were such a great fit. it's been a really tough month, let me tell you - her moving out has taken its toll on m emotional health. the other day she was over, gathering the last bits and pieces of stuff, and we had a talk about our relationship. she kissed me and when i asked her why, she said that every couple should have a last kiss. it really threw me through a loop - i know that we shouldn't be in contact, but it's been hard because she has to get her stuff out. at this point (with the kiss and all) i feel like she's playing with me. she knows i still love her, because i wrote her a very romantic and intimate letter explaining how i felt about the breakup...that we really are great together, i get along amazingly with her family...she's an extremely beautiful girl, so i'm tortured with thoughts of her with other men, and it makes me want to vomit. she wants to be friends, but when i told her that i can't handle that right now she was disappointed and argumentative. i know in my head that no contact is the right choice, but like any drug, sometimes we relapse. in my heart, i just want everything to be normal - i want us to still be the amazing couple we were. we're both in our mid 20's, and so i feel like she's still got some exploring to do. i do too, probably, but the romantic in me always saw, on some level, that we would be together always, have a family, etc. i don't want to tell her this, but feel like i should. anyways, i don't want to make this too long, but you get the idea. any support/advice/anything would be so appreciated right now. i'm really hurting. thanks everyone.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 touchofgrace: Welcome to LS. I can't really give you any advice as you are in a situation that will only get better with time. Break-ups are tough, but you are doing exactly what you need to do...place boundaries by making sure she knows you cannot be friends right now or possibly never, writing a last letter to make sure you get some closure and know that you did everything in your power to be honest about how you feel, and you know that no contact is your friend right now. Honestly, there isn't any short term fix for stuff like this...it is apart of life and growing up. Sometimes the people we love and care about just aren't right for us. However, think of it like this, the next girl who comes along may be someone who knows how to work with you when things get too comfortable, works with you to find a solution when you start to drift apart, and agrees with you on where the relationship should go. Chin up. Value yourself and work on becoming the man you envision... stay busy, work out for your health and stress, hanging out with friends, pursue your goals and don't look back, just forward. In support, Grumps
StrongLass Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I agree with Grumps for the most part. If you write a "last letter" though? Don't send it. They never take it the way you want them to. HOWEVER...writing it for yourself then tearing it up is highly recommended. Deleting her number from your phone, blocking her on social media sites, and perhaps even blocking her number should help you reinforce those new NC boundaries you've started to establish if you're finding contacting her so tempting. If she gives you sh*t about doing any of that remind her that she wanted this break more than you did & that this is for your own healing. You can do this!
Never Again Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 the next girl who comes along may be someone who knows how to work with you when things get too comfortable, works with you to find a solution when you start to drift apart, and agrees with you on where the relationship should go. I'll quote this part for emphasis. I don't know if your girlfriend talked to you at about these issues before the breakup, but if she didn't...well, shame on her. It doesn't make her a bad person at all, but it does mean that she couldn't pluck up the courage/maturity/wherewithal to communicate with you when it mattered. She may have not realized until it was too late. That happens. The more likely scenario - she gave up because things weren't just clicking together naturally. It's a naive outlook on relationships, but we're all guilty of it at some point. You deserve someone with the maturity and communication skills necessary to put in the work a relationship requires.
30andsad Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I feel for you, brother. I am in a very similar situation (you can go back and read my post Over after 4 years -- but short of it, dating 4 years, living together for 3). I've had an LTR end before many years ago, but it still doesn't make this any easier, and this girl meant much more to me than the last one who left. Taking it day by day is about all you can do, and finding ways to learn and improve yourself from the experience you shared. It's a tough pill to swallow, believe me, I'm still trying to gag it down myself. I know too though that time heals and things do generally work out for the best. Might not feel like it now, or tomorrow, or even a few months from now, but one day you'll look back and realize why it happened and be better for it. I've got the dividing of the house ahead of me, we're actually meeting about it today, so I know that will set me back some, but afterwards I plan on going NC for a long haul. We have a dog together that I love immeasurably that she mentioned sharing, but if I have to, I'll even let the dog go because I know the sharing would just bring me pain and longer grief. Good luck with the healing process, and keep us posted every so often. It's encouraging to see where these threads begin sometimes and where they end -- a sign that there is light at the end of this dark and dreary tunnel!
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