Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Yeah, it turns out that reading the thread is helpful. It also turns out that his wife was lying about having sex at work; it was actually in his bed. Oh, and she's been breaking NC, too. So much for just "trying to move on." Again too many posts to try and catch up and yep maybe I was wrong, but reading the first few posts and without all the additional information I stick by my comments. Of course I too said if NC was broken or she was lying then you tell her. The point was from the first few posts, not a single person gave advise similar to mine and it is always the nuclear option employed. I brought up on another site the movie The Descendents and it was especially provoking the scene where George Clooney runs to his neighbours house and confronts his friends as to why they knew and said nothing. To me that was a very powerful scene worthy of debate.
Bryanp Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 The fact that she had no problem having sex in your home behind your back is profound and symbolic on many levels. When a spouse does this they are symbolically defecating on the marriage. This is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect. You are in big time denial to even contemplate staying. Maybe you should ask yourself why you would want to be with a wife who humiliates and disrespects you in such a horrible way. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 3
BetrayedH Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 I don't see how exposing to the other BS is the nuclear option. To me, it's the honest and decent option. But you're entitled to your opinion. For what's it's worth, I think widespread exposure is more the nuclear option and I routinely discourage it. The other BS is a different story. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 In some jurisdictions, destruction of marital property can actually be considered domestic violence. My attorney told me I was actually lucky in that regard (wasn't charged). Apparently, it allows the police to intervene in cases like the one you mentioned. It's unfortunate that the police weren't able to help in your sitch. Okay, well, scratch that then. Or move to Canada and then burn the bed. 1
Realist3 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Yes really. I only say this as I undestand he is saying that if he exposes this to OM's wife, his own wife could loose her job. They are stretched to the max money wise and unemplpyement in his area is 13% and they got kids to take care of. If this is incorrect summary - excuse my recommendation but it it is correct...then this is not about his wife - or informing OM'w wife- but if the kids suffer because mom lost her good job, health care, has months of no income....or they go on food stamps or something horrible. The whole family from OP, to kids, to remorsefull WW all suffer more. Your kids first - your family first. Excellent post and excellent advice. Timmos, you are opening a can of worms that you have no idea what will be inside. The risk is real of it severely damaging your family's well being, all for what? Some people mention you should 'do the right thing'. There is only one right thing here and that is doing what keeps your family in the best possible situation. I doubt you ever took the job as the world's morality police. Think long and hard before you make a move that can have unforeseen consequences.
BetrayedH Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Okay, well, scratch that then. Or move to Canada and then burn the bed. I do love Canadians. And I spend way too much time on this crap. I need to get a life. 3
peruano99 Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 Its 3:15 AM and I can't sleep. Again. I've been lurking here for a while now and I know the consensus is to inform the AP's spouse. However, I am wary of doing so, for a couple of reasons. My wife and I are reconciling after her short term affair. I believe she is remorseful for her actions. The OM is completely out of our lives, and I genuinely do not want any sort of contact between any of us, his wife included. Should I inform her of the affair (if she doesn't know already), this might change. I want them gone, forever. The second concern is that if I were to inform her, and she was to act on certain parts of the information, my wife would most certainly lose her job. If it was only the two of us, this might not bother me as much. However, we have a young daughter. Our financial situation at the moment is strained at best. Her job is a decent one for our area (Small, rural, 13% unemployment), and far more stable than mine for the time being. I am wary of sending my family into homelessness just to inform the other BS. What do I do? I believe very strongly that she deserves to know she is living a lie. But I can't stand the thought of putting ourselves at risk by informing her. To me, it seems best to just forget the whole notion and focus on MY marriage, though it kills me not to tell her. Your wife had sex with another man at her job and you forgive her. You are more forgiving than I will ever be if a woman disrespected me like that.
Author Timmos Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 I've attempted to make contact. I have their Facebook history, as well as the emails sent from my wife's workplace account. Just waiting for a response. I'll meet in her person if she desires to do so. If not, I'll forward on all the docs and be done with this once and for all. 3
HopingAgain Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 I've attempted to make contact. I have their Facebook history, as well as the emails sent from my wife's workplace account. Just waiting for a response. I'll meet in her person if she desires to do so. If not, I'll forward on all the docs and be done with this once and for all. Good for you! 2
beach Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 That's good change. I'd forward the evidence to her too - so she has it - in case you have no further contact...(she may decide to block you - and not ask for further info). IF she goes directly to her H - he may be able to deny easily if he realizes she doesn't have solid evidence to work from. 1
Artie Lang Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 by making contact, how so? be aware that this OM could intercept the message.
Author Timmos Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 by making contact, how so? be aware that this OM could intercept the message. All I've got on her is her Facebook profile. Unreliable, but its what I have to work with.
Author Timmos Posted November 3, 2013 Author Posted November 3, 2013 No response. I dropped a buck to make sure the message would be sent to her normal inbox (non-friends go to the Other Messages inbox). But so far the message has not been seen. I wish I could find an address.
Furious Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 No response. I dropped a buck to make sure the message would be sent to her normal inbox (non-friends go to the Other Messages inbox). But so far the message has not been seen. I wish I could find an address. There are websites you can google and for a small fee get a background check.
harrybrown Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Take your wife for a polygraph. You will get more trickle truth there. Also file for divorce, and you will see her true colors. Is she protecting you or the OM? Has she been tested for stds? Did they use protection? 1
beach Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Your wife started this mess so she should work her ass of to clean it. she brougth a other men in your marriage. you dont have to be putting yourself in the mess she created. you need to be more concern and busy with your wife. because you are married with her and that relationship is what need to be stable. it have to be a team of the 2 of you. and a team where none of you will let a 3th person in. you cant control other men.or woman. you should make shore things are oka between u and the one you choose to be with. so tigth that you will team up against people that try to mess with one of you. That's all well and good - but not realistic since she's been lying and has ALREADY invited that 3rd person into their M! It's called cheating and betrayal! It has already happened - senseless to dream about what is ideal now. She has earned consequences at this point. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Timmos, you are just spinning your wheels. Contacting other man's wife is good, it will help, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Sex in your bed, sex at work, sex wherever - you don't know a thing EXCEPT what your wife is telling you, and she has lied so many times you really can't put much faith in what she says. Might be true, just as likely might not be true. Is it possible that she had sex BOTH AT WORK AND IN YOUR BED, now is just switching the story so IF you do contact other man's wife, other man's wife does not try to get your wife fired? Your wife has no fear of losing you; obviously after sleeping with other man at work, sleeping with other man in your bed (one or the other or both, who knows?), lying to you about it (no matter what the truth is, she has already lied about it), you are still putting up with it. She will keep telling you what she feels she needs to IN ORDER TO MINIMIZE DISRUPTION AND PAIN TO HER LIFE. Selfish. Self-preservation. You need an independent source. Other man's wife might be it, but probably not. Does your wife confide in girlfriends or other co-workers? Do you think a voice-activated recorder after you first found out would have caught out the fact that she was still cheating on you for nine more weeks? Do you think a VAR might catch out that she still is cheating on you now?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 If your wife felt betrayed by the other man, I would assume she was pretty deep into it, which would make me think that it could start up again at some future time. The fact that your wife WANTS to tell other man's wife might be a good thing, if she wants to do it to prove to you how much she loves you and how little she cares about the other man. From my experience, even the truly remorseful cheaters, even though they may do this IF YOU WANT, don't actively seek this out. It's more like they would do it if you asked them to, not that they are actively bringing it up over and over. In my opinion, the cheaters who want to do it and bring it up over and over, they want to continue the affair and see this as an opportunity to possibly get it started back up. Especially if other man has dumped her, she may figure, what can it hurt to tell his wife, she might kick him out and then he will come back around to her. How did your wife's affair end? Did she end it, did other man end it, did she confess, or did you catch her? Did she immediately tell you that it was a mistake and she wanted only you, or were her loyalties divided? When you don't have a clue as to what is up or down or sideways, like when your wife has told you so many lies that you don't know when it started, when it ended, where it took place - you have to consider all the angles. My opinion, based on your most recent posts - your wife is NOT on your side, she's still playing for the other team, or wants to. I don't think you can write off the possibility that the reason she wants to tell other man's wife is to try to re-start this affair, hoping other man contacts her afterward, other man's wife kicks him out, anything is better than nothing for her right now. That, and maybe she wants some payback for the betrayal. It seems more and more like it's really more about the other man than it is about helping you recover your trust. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 Very doubtful that your wife was in love with a man and in contact with him three weeks ago and does not know his exact address. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 What were they talking about for the nine weeks since she supposedly stopped talking to him until the time she really stopped talking to him (according to her)? Do you think they were talking about how they can't talk to each other anymore?
beach Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 What were they talking about for the nine weeks since she supposedly stopped talking to him until the time she really stopped talking to him (according to her)? Do you think they were talking about how they can't talk to each other anymore? Does it matter? NO The betrayal is MUCH bigger than she had admitted - not that it should matter all that much! She should be OUT within 10 minutes. Her problems are for HER to figure out = she created them!
Author Timmos Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Its done. Contacted the OM's wife via Facebook. Sent her all the chat records I have (probably thousands). She demanded to speak to my wife, informing us that her husband was sitting next to her and reading everything that was said. My wife spoke with her, apologizing, giving her details, etc and so on. It seems, however, that he has convinced his wife that its not true, that she was really talking to me and not my wife. As if I was going to manufacture thousands of FB messages just to mess with someone. The kicker is this though: I had no intention of revenge in this. I simply wanted her to know. But it turned out to be his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Johnny.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Its done. Contacted the OM's wife via Facebook. Sent her all the chat records I have (probably thousands). She demanded to speak to my wife, informing us that her husband was sitting next to her and reading everything that was said. My wife spoke with her, apologizing, giving her details, etc and so on. It seems, however, that he has convinced his wife that its not true, that she was really talking to me and not my wife. As if I was going to manufacture thousands of FB messages just to mess with someone. The kicker is this though: I had no intention of revenge in this. I simply wanted her to know. But it turned out to be his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Johnny. Well, he had weeks to prepare I guess. What a loser.
Author Timmos Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 With all the personal information in those chats, it won't take long for her to realize what a liar he is. If she even gets to read them. Poor girl. She was justifiably angry. It made me feel ill when I saw her profile and the post on her wall about how happy she was, how much she loved him, and how she wanted him to have a great birthday. Guess this sort of thing puts a damper on the party. 1
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