Contacting the OM's wife.

[beach]

If it could result in you and wife ability to provide for your children - job loss - FORGET IT. Your obligation is to care and provide for them first. Sorry for OM's wife, but don't risk the finanical ability to provide for your family.

 

Really?

 

Run scared and hide truth under a rock for money?

 

His wife should have thought of that consequence before she cheated!

 

She can get another job if they fire her! That's a chance you take while standing up for honesty!

[Artie Lang]

your wife must know where these people live, right?

 

send a certified letter to her where only she could sign for it, so her husband won't intercept it.

[Timmos]

Your W must know where she works or lives.

 

your wife must know where these people live, right?

 

The OM lived about 45 minutes away, so we both knew the general location, but not the address. Neither of them were ever anywhere near each other's home. Since then he has moved to our largest regional city (heard he had managed to get them kicked out), an hour away at least. From my understanding, the OM's wife does not have a job.

 

And whatabout your wife's company? Small family business/individual owner or a larger corporation with an HR department?

 

Local financial office. Main branch in our town, smaller branches around the area. They do have an HR Dept., yes.

[Ruffian1]

Please tell that poor woman. She has a right to know, the secret affects her life, her decisions are based on a lie right now.

 

Do the right thing.

[beach]

Pay a small fee to a company online and you will know anything you want about him within 5 minutes.

[dichotomy]

Really?

 

Run scared and hide truth under a rock for money?

 

His wife should have thought of that consequence before she cheated!

 

She can get another job if they fire her! That's a chance you take while standing up for honesty!

 

 

Yes really.

 

I only say this as I undestand he is saying that if he exposes this to OM's wife, his own wife could loose her job. They are stretched to the max money wise and unemplpyement in his area is 13% and they got kids to take care of. If this is incorrect summary - excuse my recommendation but it it is correct...then this is not about his wife - or informing OM'w wife- but if the kids suffer because mom lost her good job, health care, has months of no income....or they go on food stamps or something horrible. The whole family from OP, to kids, to remorsefull WW all suffer more.

 

Your kids first - your family first.

Edited November 1, 2013 by dichotomy

[beach]

Yes really.

 

I only say this as I undestand he is saying that if he exposes this to OM's wife, his own wife could loose her job. They are stretched to the max money wise and unemplpyement in his area is 13% and they got kids to take care of. If this is incorrect summary - excuse my recommendation but it it is correct...then this is not about his wife - or informing OM'w wife- but if the kids suffer because mom lost her good job, health care, has months of no income....or they go on food stamps or something horrible. The whole family from OP, to kids, to remorsefull WW all suffer more.

 

Your kids first - your family first.

 

She COULD HAVE given that thought BEFORE cheating.

 

It certainly didn't keep her from cheating though. And this is just one of those consequences that suck. I'm sure her kids will be provided for - no reason to allow fear to keep from exposing truth.

[Timmos]

Yes really.

 

I only say this as I undestand he is saying that if he exposes this to OM's wife, his own wife could loose her job. They are stretched to the max money wise and unemplpyement in his area is 13% and they got kids to take care of. If this is incorrect summary - excuse my recommendation but it it is correct...then this is not about his wife - or informing OM'w wife- but if the kids suffer because mom lost her good job, health care, has months of no income....or they go on food stamps or something horrible. The whole family from OP, to kids, to remorsefull WW all suffer more.

 

Your kids first - your family first.

 

Nail on the head.

[BetrayedH]

Local financial office. Main branch in our town, smaller branches around the area. They do have an HR Dept., yes.

 

I asked because I suspect that a larger company will react more logically than a smaller business (an individual owner would probably have more of an emotional reaction). Considering that the affair is over, one of the APs is gone, the threat of any lawsuit is non-existent - well, a good HR manager may even appreciate a heads-up from a contrite reconciling husband and wife. That's obviously 10x better than having no heads up and a crazy betrayed wife showing up. It may be a good way to head the issue off at the pass.

 

As well, it reflects a decision made in conjunction with living an honest and authentic life (rather than hiding behind secrets and lies). Spark is not someone I disagree with very often. Most of the time, honesty can set you free.

[Artie Lang]

while i agree with dichotomy's assessment of the potential ramifications concerning exposure, i don't see it right to keep this woman in the dark for an extended period of time. she must be told at some point- and NOT years later. sooner rather than later.

 

press your wife to look elsewhere for employment because at some point you intend to notify the BS. she should get on that ASAP.

 

the burden is on her(your wife) shoulders.

Edited November 1, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Timmos]

I just got trickle truthed pretty hard. I'll be informing her ASAP.

[beach]

I think it's right - but I was hoping you were telling her because she deserves to know the truth...not because of anger.

 

What was the trickle truth? If/since your wife is still willing to lie - then why stay with her?

[Timmos]

I think it's right - but I was hoping you were telling her because she deserves to know the truth...not because of anger.

 

What was the trickle truth? If/since your wife is still willing to lie - then why stay with her?

 

My concerns about her job security are based on lies. Nothing was going on in her office. It was going on at home.

 

Guess that solved that little problem.

[BetrayedH]

My concerns about her job security are based on lies. Nothing was going on in her office. It was going on at home.

 

Guess that solved that little problem.

 

Guess your wife didn't like the idea of telling her employer that she had sex there when she didn't. She lied to you to deter you from telling OMW. Still protecting OM and herself, it appears. Even this TT confession just serves to protect her job.

 

I wonder where protecting you is at on her list of priorities. Although I suppose lying to you about having sex in the house was to "protect you," right?

 

I als wonder how you will know when your wife is lying to you in the future. Here's an idea...watch to see if her lips are moving.

[road]

I just got trickle truthed pretty hard. I'll be informing her ASAP.

 

 

And how do you know this to be true?

 

WW's lie all the time.

 

This truth can be done to protect jobs. OM may be trying to get back at the old job some day.

 

As Hillary Clinton said it does not matter what difference does it make:rolleyes: the affair needs to be exposed. The OMW deserves the truth just as much as you. Matter of fact the OMW can already know. And has discovered more then you know.

[Timmos]

I wonder where protecting you is at on her list of priorities. Although I suppose lying to you about having sex in the house was to "protect you," right?

 

Heh. Yeah. She was afraid that I'd no longer sleep in our bed. She was right about that, at least. My own god damned bed.

 

She also admitted to breaking NC. So what I thought was 12 weeks out, only really stopped 3 weeks ago. Or so she says. Could have been yesterday for all I know.

 

I was literally out the door, but she begged me to stay. Maybe I should have left anyway. Love makes you stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[BetrayedH]

My advice is just to keep your wits about you. TT from my wife came about 8 months into reconciling. She had professed and cried over and over again that I knew everything and that she'd never lie to me again. Yeah, she was lying. I found a very graphic internet story she'd written that described her first sexual encounter with the OM, which was on my couch while the kids were asleep in the next room.

 

I lost it. I burned the couch in the backyard and went to jail for literally throwing her out the front door.

 

Don't do that.

[dreamingoftigers]

My advice is just to keep your wits about you. TT from my wife came about 8 months into reconciling. She had professed and cried over and over again that I knew everything and that she'd never lie to me again. Yeah, she was lying. I found a very graphic internet story she'd written that described her first sexual encounter with the OM, which was on my couch while the kids were asleep in the next room.

 

I lost it. I burned the couch in the backyard and went to jail for literally throwing her out the front door.

 

Don't do that.

 

Yeah man,

 

Don't do that.

 

Run faster and hide better from the police.

 

FU*K the police!

 

Oh, sorry, I guess just don't do the stuff that causes them to arrive there......

 

 

Timmos. I am really sorry that she messed with you like that.

 

Might you consider moving?

The house will be far too much.

I've removed triggers from my home in some very unceremonious ways. You can break/burn/throw away things but you need to it when your wife isn't there so things don't get out of hand AND not stuff that is of particular sentimental value to her just to get back at her. Not because she'd feel bad but because of the legal issues that could come up.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah man,

 

Don't do that.

 

Run faster and hide better from the police.

 

FU*K the police!

 

Oh, sorry, I guess just don't do the stuff that causes them to arrive there......

 

 

Timmos. I am really sorry that she messed with you like that.

 

Might you consider moving?

The house will be far too much.

I've removed triggers from my home in some very unceremonious ways. You can break/burn/throw away things but you need to it when your wife isn't there so things don't get out of hand AND not stuff that is of particular sentimental value to her just to get back at her. Not because she'd feel bad but because of the legal issues that could come up.

 

Yeah, actually the couch-burning was both legal and therapeutic. But the drunken wife-tossing, not so much.

 

They just don't get that while we might be able to forgive sex with an AP, we can't reconcile with someone who is actively lying straight to our face, claiming that they've learned their lesson. TT is the worst possible thing they could do.

[beach]

I'm surprised SHE is still in the house!

 

I had to ask myself when the lies would end? What was true and what wasn't true?

 

Then I realized - hmmm, I don't want to live any more days "wondering"!

 

He was OUT that day - the marriage I THOUGHT I had didn't exist!

 

 

And I decided I didn't want to participate in HIS pretend marriage any longer! I wasn't going to hand him MY peace of mind anymore since he seemed to always stomp all over it!

 

He wants to disrespect and disregard his m and W = let it be someone else! I wanted his lying/cheating a$$ out of my life!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't get it, nor did I bother reading every post. The OM was fired, lives 45 minutes away, is supposedly completely out of their lives, they don't know each other at all, not a long-term PA and they are trying to move on.

 

If that is the case. MYOB, keep a close eye on your spouse that she doesn't stray and be prepared to tell the BS if the affair starts up again and she looks like she may stray with him again or there is a VD involved. You don't know anything about them.

 

All you'll read here (or at least 90% of the time) is the nuclear option..... In this case not necessary.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, actually the couch-burning was both legal and therapeutic. But the drunken wife-tossing, not so much.

 

They just don't get that while we might be able to forgive sex with an AP, we can't reconcile with someone who is actively lying straight to our face, claiming that they've learned their lesson. TT is the worst possible thing they could do.

 

Any property that wasn't expressly "hers" is something that you can do away with. (In general it's jointly owned).

 

I learned that the hard way when one night I came home to a drunk husband two years ago who started busting up the house. I called the police and they couldn't do anything. Couldn't even make him leave. (He had an alcohol relapse after five years sober, it wasn't pretty).

 

Fortunately for me, he was so loaded he jumped over the balcony (it's about 6 feet above the ground) and took off if his sick feet down the block and got thrown in the drunk tank.

 

DO NOT lash out at all at your spouse at this point. It can be a very dangerous thing and in any legal proceedings you can be made to look like a ritualistic abuser (just to add to all of the torment you already have going on).

 

As much as the "drunken wife-toss" sounds like a Highland Games event, the courts won't see it the same way.

[beach]

There must be good reason your W has risked YOUR M to help her OM cover up! Must be good reason she is more in tune with helping him than YOUR M - tell his wife now!

 

I think your W has lied about him, the A, and him leaving his job!

 

She's protecting HIM more than she's willing to heal your M. When the cheater is still willing to lie and cover up FOR their affair person - it usually means the affair is still ongoing!

[BetrayedH]

I don't get it, nor did I bother reading every post. The OM was fired, lives 45 minutes away, is supposedly completely out of their lives, they don't know each other at all, not a long-term PA and they are trying to move on.

 

If that is the case. MYOB, keep a close eye on your spouse that she doesn't stray and be prepared to tell the BS if the affair starts up again and she looks like she may stray with him again or there is a VD involved. You don't know anything about them.

 

All you'll read here (or at least 90% of the time) is the nuclear option..... In this case not necessary.

 

Yeah, it turns out that reading the thread is helpful.

 

It also turns out that his wife was lying about having sex at work; it was actually in his bed. Oh, and she's been breaking NC, too.

 

So much for just "trying to move on."

[BetrayedH]

Any property that wasn't expressly "hers" is something that you can do away with. (In general it's jointly owned).

 

I learned that the hard way when one night I came home to a drunk husband two years ago who started busting up the house. I called the police and they couldn't do anything. Couldn't even make him leave. (He had an alcohol relapse after five years sober, it wasn't pretty).

 

Fortunately for me, he was so loaded he jumped over the balcony (it's about 6 feet above the ground) and took off if his sick feet down the block and got thrown in the drunk tank.

 

DO NOT lash out at all at your spouse at this point. It can be a very dangerous thing and in any legal proceedings you can be made to look like a ritualistic abuser (just to add to all of the torment you already have going on).

 

As much as the "drunken wife-toss" sounds like a Highland Games event, the courts won't see it the same way.

 

In some jurisdictions, destruction of marital property can actually be considered domestic violence. My attorney told me I was actually lucky in that regard (wasn't charged). Apparently, it allows the police to intervene in cases like the one you mentioned. It's unfortunate that the police weren't able to help in your sitch.