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Posted
Keep all the information and wait for a better time. The potency of the explosives won't wane much even if you have to wait years. It will give you something to look forward to. Patience grasshopper!

 

so you're willing to let this poor woman live out a lie for the foreseeable future..... years, even?!

 

wow!

  • Like 3
Posted
I'm confused. I thought that the consensus from BS's was generally that the AP's spouse should ALWAYS be told, as disease is rampant? Also, so that they can make their own choices?

 

And I thought that it was also the consensus that if someone lost their job because of an affair, it was their own fault and they need to suffer the consequences of their actions? Also, that if they were worried about their children's well being they would have not had the affair to begin with?

 

Why is this particular case any different?

 

goodyblue, if you were being cheated on, or had been cheated on, would you want to be told?

 

Do you really think the original poster should tell the other man's wife in this case?

Posted

What makes you think she won't cheat again ?

  • Like 2
Posted

So how are you feeling that your wife cheated on you?

 

Is she even sorry? Did you catch her or did she confess?

 

She did so many nice things for this POSOM. So you are her second choice.

 

What does she tell you as to why you are her second choice, she had quite an affair?

Posted
I'm confused. I thought that the consensus from BS's was generally that the AP's spouse should ALWAYS be told, as disease is rampant? Also, so that they can make their own choices?

 

And I thought that it was also the consensus that if someone lost their job because of an affair, it was their own fault and they need to suffer the consequences of their actions? Also, that if they were worried about their children's well being they would have not had the affair to begin with?

 

Why is this particular case any different?

 

 

It isn't for me. So I guess there isn't an consensus.

Posted

My opinion is that you let the other BS know. I did. It was the best thing I ever did for myself, my FWH, MOW's BH and yes even the MOW.

 

I will tell that my husband lost his job after Dday (not because of the affair) and we got by. Yes money was extremely tight and there is help out there if you need (do not let your pride get in the way).

 

I really don't see where her workplace would even care as long as her work is up to par.

 

Good luck!!!!

  • Like 1
Posted

But I can't stand the thought of putting ourselves at risk by informing her.

 

I've been thinking to post a similar question myself. I've been in contact with the OW's husband briefly (we met once to share facts), and now that I have learned more, I want her husband to have the updated data (so he's not continuing to believe her lies). However, my husband wants it all behind us, he's gone NC, and feels that by contacting her husband, I will be stirring the pot.

 

I think 1) the husband should know and 2) she should not be getting away with the nonesense she's pulling like contacting my mother in law (dramatically, in tears on her doorstep...) and following me on facebook (I have since 'blocked' her).

 

I'm inclined to go ahead and contact the husband to give him this updated data, in spite of knowing it will make my husband mad. But hell, my H created this mess, not me and I don't want anyone continuing to keep secrets.

 

I'm watching this thread to see what others tell you as I need similar advice.

 

Thanks for posting.

  • Like 2
Posted

My fWS had his affair with a divorced co-worker so there was no one to inform.

 

However, more than a year later something came up at work and HE went to human resources and told them the truth of our sitch. I had offered to go with him if he needed me to. he did not name names and they thanked him for his courage and as they no longer worked together and there was no residual mess...the company did not care.

 

Then she broke NC.

 

So when I called her up, I warned here that every woman in that workplace suspected the inappropriate relationship between them and she should be very, very careful here....

 

My point is people know or suspect or gossip in the workplace, women especially. We have relationship radar.

 

why not head mess of at the pass and both of you go to her boss and speak confidentially. I would omit sex in the office as in can it be proven? or is it he said, she said sitch?

 

hey, and maybe he wasn't her only OW at the job?

 

then, depending on the response, you would be free to tell the BS and NOT sweat the ramifications of it at the workplace.

  • Like 2
Posted

My view is that if you choose to withhold information from the other BS, you are condoning lying to her. Isn't that what was done to you?

 

Would you rather live a lie for 3 months or 3 months and 1 day? How about 3 years? 10?

 

Personally, I would want to live my life without lies period, so that I can make decisions based on facts not someone elses manipulations.

  • Like 3
Posted

Marrying someone while having an affair with a married woman is about as scummy as it get's. F**k him, tell his wife not because of vengeance but because her health is at risk and he needs to have a consequence. He could be zeroing in on one of our wives or daughters as I write this. Your wife may not be his first or last rodeo. Let her decide if he is worthwhile keeping.

  • Like 1
Posted

....and whomever gets to the boss, with spouse at their side, and honestly admits, apologizes, asserts they are reconciling their marriage and will never bring any exposure to the company....and can we count on your discretion as the employee has long since been let go.....

 

Usually is ok at the workplace. companies are not into prosecuting personal lives as long as there is no mess going on. mess over, he's been fired, married couple honest and asking for mercy...is a preemptive move towards future job stability should anyone want to stir up trouble in the future. They've been informed.

 

Companies and bosses hate most of all to be blind-sided. Get their FIRST, KWIM?

Posted

What have been the consequences to your wife? Have you both been tested for STD's? You know that there had to be times when you were intimate with her after she had been with him. If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been?

 

Tell me if I am wrong but you seem like a really nice guy. Do you think it is possible that your wife knew that she could have a sexual affair behind your back and that if she got caught then you would forgive her eventually anyway and therefore had really nothing to lose? She really degraded herself at her employment. How did you reconcile this?

Posted

If , for some reasons you have not gone into , OM could cause your wife to lose her job.....

 

I have to say , feeding, housing, and providing for my child always comes first for me. I'm sorry if that disappoints anyone, but I would not jeopardize my ability to care for my child by telling the other BS.

 

But if that's just a vague thought and not likely to happen ...of course you need to tell the woman. It's the right and decent thing to do.

  • Like 1
Posted
While this may be true, BS's on this forum repeatedly say 'expose, expose, expose'. So, The first thing you should do is tell her AP's spouse. Then let her suffer the consequences. If you suffer them too, that's unfortunate.

 

Yes, stick with honesty!

 

These are consequences to your wife's bad behavior - remorseful or not! She needs to own what she did - and suck it up...

 

If she gets fired - so what! She should have considered that before opening her legs!

 

She can get another job! And she should be prepared for being fired/ it's a consequence to what she created!

 

Will she be embarrassed? I hope so - consequences show her she screwed up! No consequences (or even little consequences) show her "eh, that wasn't so bad - maybe I'll do it again someday"!

Posted (edited)
I have to say , feeding, housing, and providing for my child always comes first for me. I'm sorry if that disappoints anyone, but I would not jeopardize my ability to care for my child by telling the other BS.

 

valid point, but many BS also tend to keep an affair secret because they don't want to lose their "quality of life."

 

i'll be damned if gonna let somone skate for the sake of keeping a privileged life intact. my children will be well taken care of.

 

as someone else just pointed out, she can find another job if she's good at what she does.

 

 

i consider my dignity and self-respect more valuable than a comfortable lifestyle.

 

just sayin'.

Edited by Artie Lang
  • Like 2
Posted

I'm with the other posters who suggest that you inform the other BS and throw yourself on her mercy when it comes to exposing to your wife's workplace. She might be tempted to get back at your wife by exposing there but my gut says she won't betray your confidence; you are the one person in this scenario with whom she will relate.

 

Lead your family by example and do the right thing. If consequences come to bear for your wife, pull yourself up by your boot straps and tackle the challenge, knowing that this is how you lead. Life may get difficult but regardless, keep your honor and integrity.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
keep your honor and integrity.

 

Two things I can actually pride myself on. I know what I have to do, just sorting out how best to go about it now I guess.

Posted
Two things I can actually pride myself on. I know what I have to do, just sorting out how best to go about it now I guess.

It is not always as bad as it seems. MOW's BH did contact my husband. They talked and it was left at that. As a BW, I was not vengeful, just wanted to make sure he was aware. I think we always cook up the worst case in mind and it can paralyze us at time.

Posted

The sooner you take action - the sooner your cheating wife will realize you aren't going to cover up for HER bad behavior!

 

She probably figures if she plays good little wife for now - you won't tell. That makes you look weak and feeds into her lies and manipulations!

 

There's no 'best way' to tell someone this info - better just to tell and walk away knowing you delivered the evidence of what happened - what is real!

Posted (edited)
Two things I can actually pride myself on. I know what I have to do, just sorting out how best to go about it now I guess.

 

It was obvious from your original post that you won't be able to rest without telling the OMW.

 

So yes, figure out the best way. Your basic choices are to either just risk the exposure at the workplace (begging on the OMW's mercy) or get in front of it with the employer (Spark's suggestion).

 

I kind of agree with Underwater in that we have a tendency to assume the worst-case scenario. I suppose the OMW could go ballistic although that seems unlikely to me. What is your read on her?

Edited by BetrayedH
  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
The sooner you take action - the sooner your cheating wife will realize you aren't going to cover up for HER bad behavior!

 

I have her support and blessing in telling the OM's wife. She has the same concerns I do, however.

  • Author
Posted
I suppose the OMW could go ballistic although that seems unlikely to me. What is your read on her?

 

I don't know her at all. The only means of communication I have is via Facebook. All I know is that she "loves me, wants me to be happy, would do anything for me, and would never, ever cheat on me. But she doesn't put out enough, she shes likely getting it from somewhere else." /end OM's statement to my wife

 

In other words, the same old bull **** from her cheating husband.

Posted
I don't know her at all. The only means of communication I have is via Facebook. All I know is that she "loves me, wants me to be happy, would do anything for me, and would never, ever cheat on me. But she doesn't put out enough, she shes likely getting it from somewhere else." /end OM's statement to my wife

 

In other words, the same old bull **** from her cheating husband.

 

It doesn't matter. Go see her directly.

 

Your W must know where she works or lives.

 

Go tell her today.

Posted

If it could result in you and wife ability to provide for your children - job loss - FORGET IT. Your obligation is to care and provide for them first. Sorry for OM's wife, but don't risk the finanical ability to provide for your family.

  • Like 1
Posted
I don't know her at all. The only means of communication I have is via Facebook. All I know is that she "loves me, wants me to be happy, would do anything for me, and would never, ever cheat on me. But she doesn't put out enough, she shes likely getting it from somewhere else." /end OM's statement to my wife

 

In other words, the same old bull **** from her cheating husband.

 

Hmm. Ok.

 

And whatabout your wife's company? Small family business/individual owner or a larger corporation with an HR department?

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