Owl Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Or, alternatively...recognize that you're headed for divorce, and embrace that as an outcome. But to sit there and HOPE for one outcome but do nothing to try to reach that outcome is foolish at best.
turnera Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 My wife told me that she told her mom and sister about this new guy, and she said that her mom was upset and instantly worried about me. When I spoke to my brother-in-law about her leaving me, he asked if there was someone else involved and I told him there is..... That's a BIG difference from YOU exposing the affair. Call them all up. Tell them all the true story. Ask them to support your family til she gets the affair fog cleared up.
road Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Owl, I do appreciate your input and reply.... I disagree, though, that exposing her affair at her job will accomplish anything, other than to make her truly hate me. Truly hate you? ROTFLMAO Your WW is banging, sucking, kissing, F'ing and every other way a WW can do a OM. And you think that she will hate you if you exposed her affair You have a funny as in odd way of defining love and hate.
Snowflower Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 AZtragedy, you seem very concerned about your wife eventually regretting her choice to leave you. As BS, we have all probably done that to some extent. Here we have this person whom we have loved and who we thought we have known for years, suddenly turn into a stranger. It is often truly difficult to get our minds around such an abrupt personality change. The thing is though, nothing that you do will make her snap out of it. You seem to think that if you are a nice guy and if you worry about her enough, that she will return. Dude, she has to have an epiphany on her OWN. You can't force her into realizing the error of her ways. Of course WE all know that moving in with her new BF is not healthy and downright stupid. But she doesn't think it is stupid and unfortunately, for you, her own opinion is the only one she cares about right now. She doesn't care. Please, you have to get that through your head. Take steps to ensure that you can get to a healthy place for YOU, not her. Perhaps she will return to you at some point but don't count on that and do not wish for it. It might not be in your best interest to have her return. I've been in your shoes. I'm not just saying this stuff because it sounds good. 4
darkmoon Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) an affair does not necessarily go well once the ppl live together, quite a transition that, from stolen thrilling hours to full-blown routine domesticity once intimacy become mundane, one day they will run out of things to do and say, this is wholly inevitable, live your life well til then... I do not think spiting her is wise, work at having fun, the pair of them have been dating in a solo idyllic setting, a bubble, wait til they now get bored, date others, some of us need stroking Edited November 6, 2013 by darkmoon
beach Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Simply call her Mom and be honest! Yes, inform her Mom that she moved in with another man and that you are sad about the selfish changes and decisions you see your wife making. Call it like you see it - she's exhibiting crappy behavior.
ChooseTruth Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Exposure is something that is best done immediately and to all your family. It's a sign of you gathering your strength and moving on. That's actually more attractive to women, or anyone. If she was remorseful, doing everything to ease your worries, giving you love, never having contact with the affair partner again, being transparent, and all the things it takes to to reconcile after an affair, then I would agree that you should keep it quiet. As for the question "is her new relationship is healthy for her", no not at all. It's a relationship born of lies. It's at best a rebound relationship. Relationships born from affairs have a very bad record of staying together. I wonder what happens when she regains all that weight. Will the new guy be accepting of her the way you were? Hmmmm....she might be in for a huge shock. You might want to check out a book called "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, or "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson.
Author AZtragedy Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Snowflower: You are so right....if she is ever going to snap out of her fog, it will be of her own doing, and all my worrying and thinking about it will not change a thing...I really value your reply and your advice! darkmoon: I agree - I would think that transitioning from affair to playing house would be a real eye opener, sooner or later, especially moving so fast....I know I should not even be thinking about this, but I cannot help myself sometimes. beach: I suppose I am scared to tell her mom, because we have such a good relationship....I also have a hard time being an 'informant', I think......it seems to me that this sort of deception has a way of backfiring on itself, at least I hope it does. ChooseTruth: Thanks for the book recommendations - I will check them out.....and thank you for your input on if this sort of situation is healthy. I agree with you on all points.... Thank you, everyone.
atreides Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Exposure is something that is best done immediately and to all your family. It's a sign of you gathering your strength and moving on. That's actually more attractive to women, or anyone. If she was remorseful, doing everything to ease your worries, giving you love, never having contact with the affair partner again, being transparent, and all the things it takes to to reconcile after an affair, then I would agree that you should keep it quiet. As for the question "is her new relationship is healthy for her", no not at all. It's a relationship born of lies. It's at best a rebound relationship. Relationships born from affairs have a very bad record of staying together. I wonder what happens when she regains all that weight. Will the new guy be accepting of her the way you were? Hmmmm....she might be in for a huge shock. You might want to check out a book called "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, or "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Well stated, couldn't agree more. AZ, as Owl is suggesting, if or when she regains the weight, plz be reminded in how she sees you now. Do not be that shoulder or the guy that takes her back... just my opinion though... it is your life. But i feel for you and there are so many great women out there, that when you are ready to move, i believe will be much happier with, once you can let go of today.
road Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Exposure is something that is best done immediately and to all your family. It's a sign of you gathering your strength and moving on. That's actually more attractive to women, or anyone. If she was remorseful, doing everything to ease your worries, giving you love, never having contact with the affair partner again, being transparent, and all the things it takes to to reconcile after an affair, then I would agree that you should keep it quiet. As for the question "is her new relationship is healthy for her", no not at all. It's a relationship born of lies. It's at best a rebound relationship. Relationships born from affairs have a very bad record of staying together. I wonder what happens when she regains all that weight. Will the new guy be accepting of her the way you were? Hmmmm....she might be in for a huge shock. You might want to check out a book called "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, or "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. This guy is to afraid to do anything. No woman is attracted to a man that stands with is tail wrapped between his legs. He ignores that the OM is banging his WW's brain's out morning noon and night. Psychologically this OP is bending over for the OM in front of his WW's eye's.
Snowflower Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Snowflower: You are so right....if she is ever going to snap out of her fog, it will be of her own doing, and all my worrying and thinking about it will not change a thing...I really value your reply and your advice! darkmoon: I agree - I would think that transitioning from affair to playing house would be a real eye opener, sooner or later, especially moving so fast....I know I should not even be thinking about this, but I cannot help myself sometimes. beach: I suppose I am scared to tell her mom, because we have such a good relationship....I also have a hard time being an 'informant', I think......it seems to me that this sort of deception has a way of backfiring on itself, at least I hope it does. ChooseTruth: Thanks for the book recommendations - I will check them out.....and thank you for your input on if this sort of situation is healthy. I agree with you on all points.... Thank you, everyone. Thanks, AZtragedy. I was worried I might have been a little harsh in my earlier post. I'm glad that you found it helpful rather than hurtful. Again, I've been where you are. I made a lot of mistakes after finding out about my spouse's affair. So, I do understand your confusion and disorientation. Something else that I notice a lot is that the BS (that's you in this thread) is often expected to just quit loving their spouse and get that divorce immediately upon discovery of the affair. Anything less and you are considered a coward, spineless, less than a man (if you a betrayed husband), or a doormat wife (if you are a betrayed wife). Many of the people who have responded have been in your situation in the past and can remember the pain and confusion and wish to help you escape that. But really, this is your life and individual situation. Unfortunately, these situations do not come with a handbook of what to do. We get a crash course, under fire, on the subject of marital infidelity and we have to pass it. My best advice...focus on YOU. Not as a way to improve yourself to win back your wife, but to take care of yourself for YOU. I, like you, focused so much on what my spouse was doing, thinking, feeling, that I forgot about me for a long time. It didn't help. Put yourself first. Edited November 7, 2013 by Snowflower left out a word! 2
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