Wife moved in with her new boyfriend/co-worker

[beach]

If you want the best shot at saving your marriage you need advice on how to kill WW's affair.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In the book it will teach you how to end your WW's affair. There are no guarantees but that book will help to improve your odds in the battle to save your marriage.

 

His wife is GONE - she has no intention of coming back!

 

There's nothing to "work on" except getting used to being on his own.

[AZtragedy]

Exactly....she has left, and is going to file for divorce herself. I am not going to file and go through all that when it is not what I want. She wants to leave, then she can do all the work. She already said she is paying for it and is giving me the house, stuff, and money and etc. I do not really care about that stuff. She is trying to assuage her guilty conscience in some way by making sure I have the consolation prize of all the junk. Thanks, love of my life.

 

Anyways I probably should not have started this thread, as it is a bit narcissistic of me to be wondering or thinking about how strange it must be to jump right into another serious relationship, talk about having children, and move in with each other when she is still married to me. Granted it is over, but there was zero time in between.

 

I just think it is unhealthy, and likely damaging in the long run to jump from A to B so fast. Maybe I should not care, since she treated me so badly, but I cannot help but still care. I cannot help but wonder about these things after knowing her better than anyone else in the world for such a long, long time (16 years).

[beach]

Exactly....she has left, and is going to file for divorce herself. I am not going to file and go through all that when it is not what I want. She wants to leave, then she can do all the work. She already said she is paying for it and is giving me the house, stuff, and money and etc. I do not really care about that stuff. She is trying to assuage her guilty conscience in some way by making sure I have the consolation prize of all the junk. Thanks, love of my life.

 

Anyways I probably should not have started this thread, as it is a bit narcissistic of me to be wondering or thinking about how strange it must be to jump right into another serious relationship, talk about having children, and move in with each other when she is still married to me. Granted it is over, but there was zero time in between.

 

I just think it is unhealthy, and likely damaging in the long run to jump from A to B so fast. Maybe I should not care, since she treated me so badly, but I cannot help but still care. I cannot help but wonder about these things after knowing her better than anyone else in the world for such a long, long time (16 years).

 

Yep, try 23 years for me - but I was intent on being happy on my own after I realized I wouldn't take him back when he came begging.

 

If he was willing to cheat - I deserved better than that = and that meant he was out!

 

Several years have passed - and this really is amazing and way better than staying and wondering when they will cheat next - and what else they aren't willing to be honest about.

 

I got busy LIVING - and it's a darn good life now!!!

[Copelandsanity]

Exactly....she has left, and is going to file for divorce herself. I am not going to file and go through all that when it is not what I want. She wants to leave, then she can do all the work. She already said she is paying for it and is giving me the house, stuff, and money and etc. I do not really care about that stuff. She is trying to assuage her guilty conscience in some way by making sure I have the consolation prize of all the junk. Thanks, love of my life.

 

Anyways I probably should not have started this thread, as it is a bit narcissistic of me to be wondering or thinking about how strange it must be to jump right into another serious relationship, talk about having children, and move in with each other when she is still married to me. Granted it is over, but there was zero time in between.

 

I just think it is unhealthy, and likely damaging in the long run to jump from A to B so fast. Maybe I should not care, since she treated me so badly, but I cannot help but still care. I cannot help but wonder about these things after knowing her better than anyone else in the world for such a long, long time (16 years).

 

You're most likely wrong about her jumping from A to B so fast. It was probably a long time coming, starting with weight loss itself. She's known the OM for years. It doesn't just happen completely out of the blue. You'll eventually come to the realization that at some point she fell out of love, stopped loving you altogether, or deep down felt that she settled. You are putting her on pedestal, you are putting your relationship on a pedestal and it's more than likely that she's not this great person worth loving. Right now, she doesn't actually give a crap and could care less about you.

 

I understand how difficult it is because of all the years you've invested; I invested 7 of my own. I hurt the same way you did, but deep down inside, there was some self-respect and pride that helped me grind me through the hurt and get things done. You have to summon that somehow. A part of you has to believe that your marriage is over and that you deserve better than this. It's not your job to fix someone. Your #1 priority right now should be taking care of yourself and protecting your assets.

[AZtragedy]

Yep, try 23 years for me - but I was intent on being happy on my own after I realized I wouldn't take him back when he came begging.

 

If he was willing to cheat - I deserved better than that = and that meant he was out!

 

Several years have passed - and this really is amazing and way better than staying and wondering when they will cheat next - and what else they aren't willing to be honest about.

 

I got busy LIVING - and it's a darn good life now!!!

 

I am glad to hear that you are much better off now than before....I am trying to hope for that myself, as well.

 

I, too, feel like I deserve better than to be cheated on and thrown in the garbage. Thank you for your insights.

[AZtragedy]

You're most likely wrong about her jumping from A to B so fast. It was probably a long time coming, starting with weight loss itself. She's known the OM for years. It doesn't just happen completely out of the blue. You'll eventually come to the realization that at some point she fell out of love, stopped loving you altogether, or deep down felt that she settled. You are putting her on pedestal, you are putting your relationship on a pedestal and it's more than likely that she's not this great person worth loving. Right now, she doesn't actually give a crap and could care less about you.

 

True, it was not just one random day, although at first it certainly felt like it, because she did a great job of acting like everything was fine, and everything really was fine - no fighting, no fits, no dropoff in sex, etc.....She never once said a word to me about being unhappy....not one single time. The only "hints" I got at all were the final two weeks she was here she had been more quiet than usual, and had been a little bit down, it seemed....although that is easy to spot now. At the time, I thought work was getting to her, or she was just in a bad mood.....

 

I know now that she had been drifting wayward for a few months before she dropped the bomb on me, because she has said as much....but, once the emotional affair turned physical, it became 100% fog all the way.

 

I probably am putting this on a pedestal....this was so important to me, and now I am so devastated. Just when I thought I had everything made, or had it all figured out.......

[Yesterday]

True, it was not just one random day, although at first it certainly felt like it, because she did a great job of acting like everything was fine, and everything really was fine - no fighting, no fits, no dropoff in sex, etc.....She never once said a word to me about being unhappy....not one single time. The only "hints" I got at all were the final two weeks she was here she had been more quiet than usual, and had been a little bit down, it seemed....although that is easy to spot now. At the time, I thought work was getting to her, or she was just in a bad mood.....

 

I know now that she had been drifting wayward for a few months before she dropped the bomb on me, because she has said as much....but, once the emotional affair turned physical, it became 100% fog all the way.

 

I probably am putting this on a pedestal....this was so important to me, and now I am so devastated. Just when I thought I had everything made, or had it all figured out.......

 

AZtragedy:

 

Seems to me this affair may not have happened as quickly as you believe. It is possible that her weight loss was brought on by her interest in her co-worker and this affair had started a long time ago. If you look back over the past couple of years you may realize there were some clues.

 

You sound like a kind person, thoughtful, mindful of others feelings, and one who works hard. You focused on your finances, your home and preparations for your future. This dude sounds to be your opposite, impulsive, not concerned for money, manipulative and takes what he believes he should have.

 

Time to turn your head around the 180, the soft kind guy is not working for her. Get on your game, don't put up with her blame shifting. You've done absolutely nothing wrong here. Show her that you've got a pair and toughen up.

 

Get your ducks in a row, and protect your interests. She has completely checked out, protect yourself now. You will find a much better person than the one you thought you had.

 

Sorry you are in this position, but time to move forward. Good Luck!

[harrybrown]

Time to move on, get some exercise, and get back out there with someone new.

 

Get her out of your life.

[road]

His wife is GONE - she has no intention of coming back!

 

There's nothing to "work on" except getting used to being on his own.

 

 

WW's have left and come back.

 

Doing nothing will guarantee her not coming back.

 

If he is not going to do nothing then he needs to man up, stop complaining and post on a forum for advice to divorce.

[road]

well, my choice would be to stay together and work things out, but she has already moved in with her AP/new boyfriend/coworker.....

 

She has made the choice to leave me, no second chances, nothing....I have no power here....

 

 

There are things to do you refuse to do them. Doing nothing is your choice. So live with your choice and stop complaining.

[AZtragedy]

There are things to do you refuse to do them. Doing nothing is your choice. So live with your choice and stop complaining.

 

No, I cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. She took her clothes and makeup/personal effects and moved in with this wife-stealer.

 

Over the past 4+ weeks I have given her every opportunity to change her mind, and let her know that I want to work it out, somehow.

 

She refuses each and every time. She goes into shutdown mode and tells me it is over. She is the one who brought up divorce, so she can do all the work.

[aliveagain]

No, I cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. She took her clothes and makeup/personal effects and moved in with this wife-stealer.

 

Over the past 4+ weeks I have given her every opportunity to change her mind, and let her know that I want to work it out, somehow.

 

She refuses each and every time. She goes into shutdown mode and tells me it is over. She is the one who brought up divorce, so she can do all the work.

 

I think what people are trying to say here is by doing nothing you are showing her weakness, women don't want to be with weak men. Make the affair a hard place to be. Have you talked to her company about the affair? Most companies have very strict policies regarding managers having affairs with married co-workers. She may loose her job but what's more important in the big picture, your marriage or her job? Have you talked to a lawyer about your rights? Your angry at her affair partner, the person you should be angry at is your wife, she's the one that committed herself to you, O/M has no relationship with you, he just wanted your wife. He couldn't have done what he did if she wasn't in agreement.

 

You need to take action, even if it's just filing for divorce. Doing nothing is the worst possible thing that you can do.

[Still-I-Rise]

well, my choice would be to stay together and work things out, but she has already moved in with her AP/new boyfriend/coworker.....

 

She has made the choice to leave me, no second chances, nothing....I have no power here....I still feel so much love for her, and that is why I do still cry so much about this.

 

I guess I created this thread out of a twisted curiosity and/or misplaced concern for her, in wondering what people think about people who suddenly run off with their affair partner, move in with them even while still married, declare it is permanent and 'love' and 'soul mates' and all the foggy symptoms....I tend to think these sorts of things are unhealthy and contribute to further damage to problems that have been unresolved in people's minds.

 

I do still care for her so much, and would like to see her get help....but she is taking this sudden path with such reckless abandon. It hurts.

 

AZtragedy,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar story - husband filed for divorce while we still lived together without telling me, I found out he'd had an apartment for another woman in 2011. We have four children -he has not given us a penny and has purchased a Mercedes with the woman - they live together - I found out when checking on our car insurance policy.

 

I've known him since we were four. He denies the affair despite my having spoken to the woman on the phone. So, I understand the emotional devastation you express as well as the sense you thought you knew your spouse better than anyone and that this all happened suddenly.

 

You don't sound crazy to me. You sound like someone who was treacherously deceived by the person you committed your love to and whom you thought shared your feelings.

 

What she has done might not make sense to you for a very long time. And while the rational thoughts people say you should have might make sense intellectually, emotionally might be an altogether different story.

 

Give it time and PLEASE be kind to yourself. The stages of grief and loss are real and you will likely run though them more than a few times in no special order.

 

It is still hard for me to accept what my husband of 22 years has done to us but I am getting there because I have to keep moving forward.

 

You will do the same.

 

I recently told my lawyer who said my husband was obviously an irrational, sick man whose every word I needed to disregard that I wanted to help him if possible. She turned and looked at me like I was crazy and said you better help yourself!

 

So that's what I am doing - practicing self care.

 

There is a reason we are advised to "put our masks on first" before we help others. It might sound selfish but it is logical and self-preservatory.

 

It is okay to still love and wish her well(ness) as this will likely dissipate with time, but right now you need to put your mask on first and care for you.

Edited November 3, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[AZtragedy]

AZtragedy,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar story - husband filed for divorce while we still lived together without telling me, I found out he'd had an apartment for another woman in 2011. We have four children -he has not given us a penny and has purchased a Mercedes with the woman - they live together - I found out when checking on our car insurance policy.

 

I've known him since we were four. He denies the affair despite my having spoken to the woman on the phone. So, I understand the emotional devastation you express as well as the sense you thought you knew your spouse better than anyone and that this all happened suddenly.

 

You don't sound crazy to me. You sound like someone who was treacherously deceived by the person you committed your love to and whom you thought shared your feelings.

 

What she has done might not make sense to you for a very long time. And while the rational thoughts people say you should have might make sense intellectually, emotionally might be an altogether different story.

 

Give it time and PLEASE be kind to yourself. The stages of grief and loss are real and you will likely run though them more than a few times in no special order.

 

It is still hard for me to accept what my husband of 22 years has done to us but I am getting there because I have to keep moving forward.

 

You will do the same.

 

I recently told my lawyer who said my husband was obviously an irrational, sick man whose every word I needed to disregard that I wanted to help him if possible. She turned and looked at me like I was crazy and said you better help yourself!

 

So that's what I am doing - practicing self care.

 

There is a reason we are advised to "put our masks on first" before we help others. It might sound selfish but it is logical and self-preservatory.

 

It is okay to still love and wish her well(ness) as this will likely dissipate with time, but right now you need to put your mask on first and care for you.

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation, too....people can be so cruel and inhumane to each other, and for no good reason.

 

I am trying to take care of me....it has been so long since I only had to care about me that it is hard to remember what that time was like. Like you said, emotionally it is so hard to accept the reality of the situation and go on from day to day....one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time is all I can handle.

 

Self-care is really all I have left at this point, and I am going to do my best.

[RightThere]

True, it was not just one random day, although at first it certainly felt like it, because she did a great job of acting like everything was fine, and everything really was fine - no fighting, no fits, no dropoff in sex, etc.....She never once said a word to me about being unhappy....not one single time. The only "hints" I got at all were the final two weeks she was here she had been more quiet than usual, and had been a little bit down, it seemed....although that is easy to spot now. At the time, I thought work was getting to her, or she was just in a bad mood.....

 

I know now that she had been drifting wayward for a few months before she dropped the bomb on me, because she has said as much....but, once the emotional affair turned physical, it became 100% fog all the way.

 

I probably am putting this on a pedestal....this was so important to me, and now I am so devastated. Just when I thought I had everything made, or had it all figured out.......

 

More information will come to light as time goes on. I got a lot of info from my STBXW so it helped me put a lot of the puzzle together, but I'm sure it's been going on for much longer than you realize. Maybe even half your relationship.

 

I just remember back to times where we would have stupid fights, or she was really angry and I couldn't understand why. Or even some of the stories about where she was or what she was doing that seemed odd. I can now look back at those times because I know the real events that were going on, and everything is so much clearer now.

 

As hard as it is to imagine, you'll need to realize that so much of what your wife told you that you accepted as truth, was actually bald face lies.

[Darren Steez]

I would also chime in with a thought. Why let her dictate divorce terms? It almost seems like you're giving her every opportunity to change her mind so she can come running back to you.

 

So here's what happened. She leaves you and moves in with another man.

 

You ask (beg) for her to change her mind. She refuses.

On this point I will not criticize you, it's only right for a man to fight for his marriage and also try and salvage some pride.

 

But now, after all this, this is where you stop taking the disrespect and actually demonstrate your pride and build respect for yourself and in her eyes and everyone else that is watching.

 

You don't sit back and let her drive your future. She ruined it. She had an affair *on her terms*, gets to move in and play house with another man *on her terms* and gets to divorce you, in her own time, and yes on her terms.

 

When do you take control of your life?

[AZtragedy]

 

You don't sit back and let her drive your future. She ruined it. She had an affair *on her terms*, gets to move in and play house with another man *on her terms* and gets to divorce you, in her own time, and yes on her terms.

 

When do you take control of your life?

 

 

That is a good question....she has all the power, and I have none. The only power I have is to try and take care of myself, and live day by day until I no longer am in such agony over this.

 

I do not want a divorce. I wish she would slow down and take some time for herself, so she can deal with her issues and problems. As for me, I am willing to work with her on the marriage and get help for us both. However, she has made it clear she does not want that.

 

I am truly powerless other than taking care of myself. Fighting her in the divorce will not solve anything; besides, she is already giving me all the "stuff"....so her power is total.

[Owl]

That is a good question....she has all the power, and I have none. The only power I have is to try and take care of myself, and live day by day until I no longer am in such agony over this.

 

I do not want a divorce. I wish she would slow down and take some time for herself, so she can deal with her issues and problems. As for me, I am willing to work with her on the marriage and get help for us both. However, she has made it clear she does not want that.

 

I am truly powerless other than taking care of myself. Fighting her in the divorce will not solve anything; besides, she is already giving me all the "stuff"....so her power is total.

 

This is why you fail.

 

If you want something...you work to make it happen.

 

I see that you don't want a divorce...that you want to give the marriage a chance.

 

OK...so quit acting like you're a powerless toddler...man up...and get ready to actually do something about it.

 

If you want her affair to end...which is a requirement for your marriage to survive...you need to take action to end it.

 

Affairs do not like the light of day...they thrive in darkness and secrecy.

 

With that said...it sounds like their affair started in the office. Good. Have you contacted their HR department? Their boss? Informed him that they've used company resources and time to engage in this behavior?

 

Have you contacted her family, asked for their help in getting her to stop her affair and ask her to work on the marriage? Told them the full truth of what she's done?

 

Checked to see if the OM is married? If so...contacted his wife? If not...contacted his friends?

 

By the same token...what have you done to improve yourself throughout all of this? What have you done to make yourself a better choice for her, over him? Started working out? Dressing nicer? Given thought on what you can do to work things out between you if she were to come back?

 

YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS.

 

There are things you can do. You just gotta reach down and grab 'em, man up, and do what needs to be done.

 

Your marriage may or may not survive. But at least you can know you've done all you could.

 

Stop letting her run this show. Women can't respect a man they can walk all over....and they can't remain in love with a man that they can't respect. Don't be a doormat, and you'll suddenly become a lot more attractive.

[AZtragedy]

Owl, I do appreciate your input and reply....

 

I disagree, though, that exposing her affair at her job will accomplish anything, other than to make her truly hate me. It is not going to make her change her mind, fall "out of love" with her AP, make her move back in with me, or snap her out of her fog.

 

I am trying to do my best for me, now....I am getting tons of exercise, I got a hair cut and contact lenses...I am eating right and working on improving myself as much as possible.

 

This hurt me so much and so deeply; truly, I never ever thought this could ever happen....she seems to be in full blown foggy midlife crisis mode, and has really seized all power in our relationship. She moved out, moved in with her AP/coworker, wants me to have all the stuff in the divorce, and is moving at light speed toward beginning the paperwork.

 

Her family thinks she has gone nuts, my family thinks she is insane, and I myself think she is going through some real problems that she is not dealing with in a healthy manner. But, she does hold all the cards, and I am powerless over her and the fate of our relationship.

[RightThere]

I'm in a similar boat in that I don't think exposing the affair to the world accomplishes anything productive for the BH. It's like you're trying to attached the Scarlet Letter to the WW and what do you really gain from out of it? Personal satisfaction?

 

Keep doing things for yourself. It's tough because I've often looked at what my STBXW is doing and think "Am I the one who is crazy?"

 

But you're not. She is. She has problems and will not deal with them. You have been abused and now you need to repair yourself.

 

Good luck my friend.

[beach]

This is why you fail.

 

If you want something...you work to make it happen.

 

I see that you don't want a divorce...that you want to give the marriage a chance.

 

OK...so quit acting like you're a powerless toddler...man up...and get ready to actually do something about it.

 

If you want her affair to end...which is a requirement for your marriage to survive...you need to take action to end it.

 

Affairs do not like the light of day...they thrive in darkness and secrecy.

 

With that said...it sounds like their affair started in the office. Good. Have you contacted their HR department? Their boss? Informed him that they've used company resources and time to engage in this behavior?

 

Have you contacted her family, asked for their help in getting her to stop her affair and ask her to work on the marriage? Told them the full truth of what she's done?

 

Checked to see if the OM is married? If so...contacted his wife? If not...contacted his friends?

 

By the same token...what have you done to improve yourself throughout all of this? What have you done to make yourself a better choice for her, over him? Started working out? Dressing nicer? Given thought on what you can do to work things out between you if she were to come back?

 

YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS.

 

There are things you can do. You just gotta reach down and grab 'em, man up, and do what needs to be done.

 

Your marriage may or may not survive. But at least you can know you've done all you could.

 

Stop letting her run this show. Women can't respect a man they can walk all over....and they can't remain in love with a man that they can't respect. Don't be a doormat, and you'll suddenly become a lot more attractive.

 

You have power over what you do - take action!

 

Expose to her work, family and friends.

 

File for D - you are in charge of you/your destiny.

 

Being at the mercy of what she does or doesn't do hasn't helped you - so start taking charge!

 

Powerless and helpless are worlds apart!!!

[Owl]

Owl, I do appreciate your input and reply....

 

I disagree, though, that exposing her affair at her job will accomplish anything, other than to make her truly hate me. It is not going to make her change her mind, fall "out of love" with her AP, make her move back in with me, or snap her out of her fog.

 

I am trying to do my best for me, now....I am getting tons of exercise, I got a hair cut and contact lenses...I am eating right and working on improving myself as much as possible.

 

This hurt me so much and so deeply; truly, I never ever thought this could ever happen....she seems to be in full blown foggy midlife crisis mode, and has really seized all power in our relationship. She moved out, moved in with her AP/coworker, wants me to have all the stuff in the divorce, and is moving at light speed toward beginning the paperwork.

 

Her family thinks she has gone nuts, my family thinks she is insane, and I myself think she is going through some real problems that she is not dealing with in a healthy manner. But, she does hold all the cards, and I am powerless over her and the fate of our relationship.

 

Just a thought...but even if you disagree...what have you got to lose by following this advice?!?!?!

 

She's gone, dude.

 

She's moved in and is schtupping another guy. It doesn't get worse than that.

 

Taking NO action garauntees that the situation won't change.

 

Taking ANY action creates a state that MIGHT inject some change into the situation.

 

What happens if she DOES get pissed??? (And you're right, she will. It's part and parcel of exposure). What's she going to do...run off and be with someone else?!?!?!

 

Think about this for a minute. You, my friend, are at rock bottom. Any change you make isn't likely to make things worse.

 

And take it from folks who've been through the same kind of situation that you're in now...doing something is better than just sitting there crying in your beer because you don't think you have any choices.

 

It's up to you...I've offered my advice. Good luck.

[turnera]

Did you expose her cheating to her family?

[AZtragedy]

My wife told me that she told her mom and sister about this new guy, and she said that her mom was upset and instantly worried about me. When I spoke to my brother-in-law about her leaving me, he asked if there was someone else involved and I told him there is.....

 

So, they know that she is involved with someone else, although I do not know if they realize she is living with this guy.....I doubt that she told them that, because she is afraid of even more judgment, and is in fear of what they will think and tell her about how it is a bad idea to jump from A to B while still married, and no time between, etc.

 

I suppose I could ask her mom where she is living....that would let me know if she has told them everything.

 

But, at the same time, I do believe that we reap what we sow....even though that is a bit of a cliche, I think that things do come back around to bite people in the a**, sooner or later.

[Owl]

My wife told me that she told her mom and sister about this new guy, and she said that her mom was upset and instantly worried about me. When I spoke to my brother-in-law about her leaving me, he asked if there was someone else involved and I told him there is.....

 

So, they know that she is involved with someone else, although I do not know if they realize she is living with this guy.....I doubt that she told them that, because she is afraid of even more judgment, and is in fear of what they will think and tell her about how it is a bad idea to jump from A to B while still married, and no time between, etc.

 

I suppose I could ask her mom where she is living....that would let me know if she has told them everything.

 

But, at the same time, I do believe that we reap what we sow....even though that is a bit of a cliche, I think that things do come back around to bite people in the a**, sooner or later.

 

Then let HER actions come back and bite HER in thea**.

 

You've done nothing wrong...and exposure is not doing something wrong. It's trying to correct a wrong.