AZtragedy Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Hello. I already have a lengthy thread about how my wife left me 4 weeks ago and the misery I am going through over that. I wanted to start a slightly different topic that is related to what has happened to me, just to get some opinions and speculation as to what people think.... My wife of 6 years (and 16 total years of being a couple) left me because she says she is no longer 'in love' with me, and is now 'in love' with her new 'boyfriend' who happens to be her co-worker. They have been casual friends and coworkers for more than 5 or 6 years, and within the last 2-3 months embarked on an emotional affair, and now a sexual affair. This caused my wife to leave me, all alone (no kids). The main point here is that my wife has already (!) moved in with this guy, in fact she moved in with him within 2-3 days of leaving me. In your opinion, is it a healthy or wise thing to move so quickly out of a marriage into a new relationship; and, on top of that, is it a good idea to shack up with someone so fast? Especially while still married? (the divorce paperwork will be starting in a couple weeks). I probably should not be thinking about things like this, because it does not do me any good, really......but I do care for her, despite her treating me like crap. So I wonder, is she acting in a healthy way for herself, or is she fooling herself? Thank you for reading.
MrWindupBird Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Everybody's different, and many relationships that start so rapidly burn out within a year or so. That's if there's no entanglements like her getting pregnant or married. Many people have a 'the grass wasn't greener' moment and decide life was overall better in a former situation. If I were you, and I wanted her back, I would try to make things as comfortable as possible for her to come back. Get the house fixed up, get yourself a haircut and keep trimmed up, and at least present the appearance that everything's going to keep spinning without her. Be polite but firm in how you speak to her, and maybe things will work out. I won't say you're better than her or whatever because this stuff happens to almost everyone at one point or another, in some way, so you need to decide what you want and go from there. You should take this opportunity to decide if you really want her back. This is a clean slate. A clean break. You might not want to hear it, but there are millions of people praying for this to happen to them even if they don't know it. It's the fear of a big change, and for a lot of people a big change is what they need to start living a life they want. Anyway, sorry this happened to you, homie. I wish you luck, and just remember to do things like John Wayne. Polite but firm. Don't put yourself down or allow others to do it. The world will keep spinning. You'll make it regardless. 1
road Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Hello. I already have a lengthy thread about how my wife left me 4 weeks ago and the misery I am going through over that. I wanted to start a slightly different topic that is related to what has happened to me, just to get some opinions and speculation as to what people think.... My wife of 6 years (and 16 total years of being a couple) left me because she says she is no longer 'in love' with me, and is now 'in love' with her new 'boyfriend' who happens to be her co-worker. They have been casual friends and coworkers for more than 5 or 6 years, and within the last 2-3 months embarked on an emotional affair, and now a sexual affair. This caused my wife to leave me, all alone (no kids). The main point here is that my wife has already (!) moved in with this guy, in fact she moved in with him within 2-3 days of leaving me. In your opinion, is it a healthy or wise thing to move so quickly out of a marriage into a new relationship; and, on top of that, is it a good idea to shack up with someone so fast? Especially while still married? (the divorce paperwork will be starting in a couple weeks). I probably should not be thinking about things like this, because it does not do me any good, really......but I do care for her, despite her treating me like crap. So I wonder, is she acting in a healthy way for herself, or is she fooling herself? Thank you for reading. This is why starting new threads are a waste. We do not know your story. Have to ask a bunch of questions to establish the facts. To give advice without knowing the facts is pointless. Ask the mod's to merge your two threads. And ask yourself do you want to recover your marriage or divorce. Because if you want to divorce your WW then who cares where she lives, who's banging her, or if the whole town is in a conga line running a train on her.
Jonah Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Everybody's different, and many relationships that start so rapidly burn out within a year or so. That's if there's no entanglements like her getting pregnant or married. Many people have a 'the grass wasn't greener' moment and decide life was overall better in a former situation. If I were you, and I wanted her back, I would try to make things as comfortable as possible for her to come back. Get the house fixed up, get yourself a haircut and keep trimmed up, and at least present the appearance that everything's going to keep spinning without her. Be polite but firm in how you speak to her, and maybe things will work out. I won't say you're better than her or whatever because this stuff happens to almost everyone at one point or another, in some way, so you need to decide what you want and go from there. You should take this opportunity to decide if you really want her back. This is a clean slate. A clean break. You might not want to hear it, but there are millions of people praying for this to happen to them even if they don't know it. It's the fear of a big change, and for a lot of people a big change is what they need to start living a life they want. Anyway, sorry this happened to you, homie. I wish you luck, and just remember to do things like John Wayne. Polite but firm. Don't put yourself down or allow others to do it. The world will keep spinning. You'll make it regardless. I like this. A time to improve, a time to work on yourself. Doors will open for you with a possible inclusion of a future with this woman that you love. Either way you should do these things and be polite, yet firm. Charity starts at home and now is the time to show yourself some. Remember, there are many in relationships right now that would love to be you. Free to do whatever you want to! Breath it in sir and make this the time of your life!
harrybrown Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 She does not respect you or care about you. She is making horrible choices, but she does not care about the pain that she is causing you. I am glad that you are filing for divorce. Go NC on her. Do not call her, do not text her, do not answer her phone calls. You do not have children with her. To get over the pain and rejection, do something for yourself. Exercise, do something with people who have the same interests as you. Go to counseling. Start over with your life and find some happiness with someone else after some time. She has hurt you in a terrible way. Do not allow her in your life again.
bubbaganoosh Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Sometimes people can be so stupid. Your wife left to be with a co worker and has already moved in with him, playing house. Guy see's a woman he's attracted to. She gives him little clues that she's interested. They get together and to them, it wouldn't matter if neither one of them had a head because they only see from the neck down anyhow. Now both of them will put their best foot forward and show each other all of their good qualities to make an impression and what an impression they make. Both of them can do everything but walk on water for one purpose and that is to get into bed. All's well and they each think they found Mister/ Miss right.................................then the other shoe drops and both of them start to see all the little quirks, habits and faults slowly come out and some of those faults could be like rubbing sandpaper on a open wound. Then more come out and all of a sudden the guy goes from hero to zero and he finds out that she's a dud. Then comes the knock on the door to the jilted husband or wife and the crying and pleading for a second chance comes out between the nose blowing and snot covered sleeves and whining. Never mind that the person they kicked square in the teeth knew their faults and accepted them and worked around them because they loved them with all their quirks, bad habits and faults and the cheating spouse then starts to realize that, "Hey! life wasn't too bad". Too bad the jilted spouse knew that all along and has to be the one to pick up the pieces of his/her life and start over. Stupid people. 5
Darren Steez Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 He hasn't farted yet. Wait until he farts, or he wants to watch the game and she wants to watch whatever... Why are you wondering what's healthy for her, or what's good for her? She threw you under a bus and you're still asking if she's alright with your two broken legs. When I use that analogy doesn't it sound silly? Has she totally moved out? If not you start by packing up every single item that is hers or reminds you of her and get rid of it or send it to her, including pictures and mementos. Then you get to buy whatever furniture you want, arrange it how you want, make that home truly yours. Keep busy, play a sport,do anything that doesn't include going home after work and staring at four walls wondering what they are doing. As much as it hurts, it's better you found out the real her rather than living a lie and getting burnt further down the line.
Author AZtragedy Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 He hasn't farted yet. Wait until he farts, or he wants to watch the game and she wants to watch whatever... Why are you wondering what's healthy for her, or what's good for her? She threw you under a bus and you're still asking if she's alright with your two broken legs. When I use that analogy doesn't it sound silly? That is a great analogy, because I am the one in the real pain here, while she is elsewhere doing whatever she wants. I really should not even be wondering about whether this is good for her or not....it is hard to turn off the caring for someone, even after they threw you under the bus, though.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Yep. Just a matter of time until the fit hits the shan, so to speak. Fast moving relationships rarely work out. I speak from experience. Move on. Do your thing and stop worrying about her.
aliveagain Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Less than 5% chance they will make it. Read and learn the 180, make it your way of life. Cut all contact with her, let your lawyer deal with her. You have no children, you dodged a bullet, she's his problem now. Make sure you are no longer liable for any debts she incurs. Don't protect her, tell everyone that asks about her infidelity, make sure you list that as your reason for divorce on the documentation. The best revenge is to lead an amazing and successful life without her, start today. 1
road Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 That is a great analogy, because I am the one in the real pain here, while she is elsewhere doing whatever she wants. I really should not even be wondering about whether this is good for her or not....it is hard to turn off the caring for someone, even after they threw you under the bus, though. All you are doing is crying in your beer. That accomplishes nothing. You want advice? Then tell us what your goal is. Do you want to divorce the skank? Or do you want to kill the affair and recover your marriage with your beloved wife?
beach Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Who cares how she feels at this point! Start feeling more about how you are doing! You shouldn't have to feel like crap. I hope you see a counselor that helps you realize you are much more valuable than you think! Stop handing her all YOUR power! Interesting she's known him 6 years - she wasn't good enough for him while she was heavier - but good enough for him now that she's thinner? Sounds like he's interested in the thin version of herself - how superficial that must be. They deserve each other! You deserve better - NEVER settle!
Author AZtragedy Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Who cares how she feels at this point! Start feeling more about how you are doing! You shouldn't have to feel like crap. I hope you see a counselor that helps you realize you are much more valuable than you think! Stop handing her all YOUR power! Interesting she's known him 6 years - she wasn't good enough for him while she was heavier - but good enough for him now that she's thinner? Sounds like he's interested in the thin version of herself - how superficial that must be. They deserve each other! You deserve better - NEVER settle! All excellent points. The word superficial is one of the things that comes to my mind in this whole situation. I do deserve better, and am going to look into counseling of some sort...
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 In your opinion, is it a healthy or wise thing to move so quickly out of a marriage into a new relationship; and, on top of that, is it a good idea to shack up with someone so fast? Especially while still married? (the divorce paperwork will be starting in a couple weeks). I probably should not be thinking about things like this, because it does not do me any good, really......but I do care for her, despite her treating me like crap. So I wonder, is she acting in a healthy way for herself, or is she fooling herself? Thank you for reading. Of course it's not healthy or wise to pop out of a marriage and start a new life so quickly with someone else. Either she was 'done' with the marriage a really long time ago and grieved the loss of it, decided to move on without even telling you and hid it from you (how was your M, did she still 'live life' with you before you found out about the A? seem like all was okay?) so she is ready to move on with this new guy...OR, she IS fooling herself and eventually this will be one big regret when she sees that life with that guy and moving in with him is not what she thought it would be. 16 years is A LOT to walk away from. she loses the inlaws, extended family and the life you two built together... Time will tell.
Author AZtragedy Posted November 1, 2013 Author Posted November 1, 2013 Of course it's not healthy or wise to pop out of a marriage and start a new life so quickly with someone else. Either she was 'done' with the marriage a really long time ago and grieved the loss of it, decided to move on without even telling you and hid it from you (how was your M, did she still 'live life' with you before you found out about the A? seem like all was okay?) so she is ready to move on with this new guy...OR, she IS fooling herself and eventually this will be one big regret when she sees that life with that guy and moving in with him is not what she thought it would be. 16 years is A LOT to walk away from. she loses the inlaws, extended family and the life you two built together... Time will tell. Our marriage was great, we had no problems of ANY kind. She told me after work one day a month ago that she cheated on me very recently and "fell in love" with this guy (her co-worker) and that there was no chance to work things out between us. We had a great life together, right up until the end. She must be a bit crazy, because she said this had been building up for a few months before she told me....but still - a few months out of 16 years is not much to make this sort of choice. So, it seems this is a big case of fooling herself into a LOT of things. As for her moving in with this wife-stealer already, not only did she move in with him just a couple days after leaving me for dead, she also works with him, too, so there is now very little time that they have apart from each other. I would think that is a recipe for burn-out.... Like you said, time will tell. 1
beach Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Even IF she came back begging - I hope you wouldn't take her back. I hope you get counseling now to become THAT strong!
RightThere Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Our marriage was great, we had no problems of ANY kind. She told me after work one day a month ago that she cheated on me very recently and "fell in love" with this guy (her co-worker) and that there was no chance to work things out between us. We had a great life together, right up until the end. She must be a bit crazy, because she said this had been building up for a few months before she told me....but still - a few months out of 16 years is not much to make this sort of choice. So, it seems this is a big case of fooling herself into a LOT of things. As for her moving in with this wife-stealer already, not only did she move in with him just a couple days after leaving me for dead, she also works with him, too, so there is now very little time that they have apart from each other. I would think that is a recipe for burn-out.... Like you said, time will tell. Sorry to tell you, but your marriage has been broken for much longer than you think. Your wife was just very good at hiding it from you. And with respect to them living and working together, huge recipe for burn-out. They're still lovey-dovey so they can't spend enough time together. That will change much sooner than you think.
Darren Steez Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 That is a great analogy, because I am the one in the real pain here, while she is elsewhere doing whatever she wants. I really should not even be wondering about whether this is good for her or not....it is hard to turn off the caring for someone, even after they threw you under the bus, though. Absolutely it's hard to stop caring. I can imagine though what you want is for her to acknowledge the pain you're in, for her to walk through that door sobbing and begging for you to take her back because she made a big mistake.. am I right? We've all been through it, we've all had those thoughts but guess what, do you know who wins..not you that's for sure. You stagnate, you stay in the same place, you never move on, I've realized with time for me, that's a fate worse than death. You can imagine you have this one life, each second that goes by you're never going to get back and you're wasting them on someone that chucked you off a bridge and went and banged her lover..not a thought about you. You are allowed to care, but you also have to care about yourself. How twisted is it that you want someone who treated you callously back? It's insane right? But human being do it. You're wasting seconds.Then minutes. Then hours. Go find something else better to do with your time
Chi townD Posted November 1, 2013 Posted November 1, 2013 Wait...wait... he works with her? Is he her superior?
Author AZtragedy Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Absolutely it's hard to stop caring. I can imagine though what you want is for her to acknowledge the pain you're in, for her to walk through that door sobbing and begging for you to take her back because she made a big mistake.. am I right? We've all been through it, we've all had those thoughts but guess what, do you know who wins..not you that's for sure. You stagnate, you stay in the same place, you never move on, I've realized with time for me, that's a fate worse than death. You can imagine you have this one life, each second that goes by you're never going to get back and you're wasting them on someone that chucked you off a bridge and went and banged her lover..not a thought about you. You are allowed to care, but you also have to care about yourself. How twisted is it that you want someone who treated you callously back? It's insane right? But human being do it. You're wasting seconds.Then minutes. Then hours. Go find something else better to do with your time Your first paragraph is and has been true for this entire 4+ weeks....I do wish she would come home and say exactly what you said....and it truly is a stagnant concept, because I know with 99.9% accuracy that is not going to happen. I appreciate your advice about caring for myself more......it really is true, because I have really only been thinking about how much I care for her not only during this insane time, but for a long time before that. It is true that it is a waste of time to dwell on something that I have no control over......I must spend less time on that and more on caring about myself now.
Author AZtragedy Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 Wait...wait... he works with her? Is he her superior? He is the head of some department that she does not work in....and she is basically an assistant to the CEO, so he is not really her superior, directly. I suppose he has a "higher ranking" position in the company, but they do not directly work together all day long. I am sure they go to work at the same time, and have lunch when possible, and see each other at work here and there..... I would think that living with and working with and playing lovey dovey with someone 24/7 would lead to a pretty quick bore factor. But again, I suppose I should not even be thinking about, or caring about this.....but I cannot seem to help it.
road Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 All you are doing is crying in your beer. That accomplishes nothing. You want advice? Then tell us what your goal is. Do you want to divorce the skank? Or do you want to kill the affair and recover your marriage with your beloved wife? What is your choice and who do you plan to go about it? Still crying in your beer. It never improves the taste of the beer.
Author AZtragedy Posted November 2, 2013 Author Posted November 2, 2013 well, my choice would be to stay together and work things out, but she has already moved in with her AP/new boyfriend/coworker..... She has made the choice to leave me, no second chances, nothing....I have no power here....I still feel so much love for her, and that is why I do still cry so much about this. I guess I created this thread out of a twisted curiosity and/or misplaced concern for her, in wondering what people think about people who suddenly run off with their affair partner, move in with them even while still married, declare it is permanent and 'love' and 'soul mates' and all the foggy symptoms....I tend to think these sorts of things are unhealthy and contribute to further damage to problems that have been unresolved in people's minds. I do still care for her so much, and would like to see her get help....but she is taking this sudden path with such reckless abandon. It hurts.
Darren Steez Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 well, my choice would be to stay together and work things out, but she has already moved in with her AP/new boyfriend/coworker..... She has made the choice to leave me, no second chances, nothing....I have no power here....I still feel so much love for her, and that is why I do still cry so much about this. I guess I created this thread out of a twisted curiosity and/or misplaced concern for her, in wondering what people think about people who suddenly run off with their affair partner, move in with them even while still married, declare it is permanent and 'love' and 'soul mates' and all the foggy symptoms....I tend to think these sorts of things are unhealthy and contribute to further damage to problems that have been unresolved in people's minds. I do still care for her so much, and would like to see her get help....but she is taking this sudden path with such reckless abandon. It hurts. And there my friend you continue to think wrong. Why has she made a mistake? Because she dumped you? Sorry to be raw but while she's humping the guy do you think she going..aww shucks I've really made a big mistake? You're still operating on a hopes and dreams level. Nothing to do with reality. You continue to think she's made a mistake and she doesn't know what she's doing, you're not giving the credit she deserves, in fact I'd go as far to say you're not respecting her as an individual. Respect her decision and let it be the kick in the b*lls it is.
road Posted November 2, 2013 Posted November 2, 2013 well, my choice would be to stay together and work things out, but she has already moved in with her AP/new boyfriend/coworker..... She has made the choice to leave me, no second chances, nothing....I have no power here....I still feel so much love for her, and that is why I do still cry so much about this. I guess I created this thread out of a twisted curiosity and/or misplaced concern for her, in wondering what people think about people who suddenly run off with their affair partner, move in with them even while still married, declare it is permanent and 'love' and 'soul mates' and all the foggy symptoms....I tend to think these sorts of things are unhealthy and contribute to further damage to problems that have been unresolved in people's minds. I do still care for her so much, and would like to see her get help....but she is taking this sudden path with such reckless abandon. It hurts. If you want the best shot at saving your marriage you need advice on how to kill WW's affair. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. In the book it will teach you how to end your WW's affair. There are no guarantees but that book will help to improve your odds in the battle to save your marriage.
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