aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Not a day goes by that I dont read some story by a person here hurting who has been treated awfully during a breakup or was in an obviously toxic relationship for one reason or another and yet the poor OP is still in love with them even though they're clearly better off. It's actually making me feel terrible. My relationship wasn't bad at all, my ex never emotionally abused me, never cheated, was low maintenance and treated me lovingly and with respect. She wasn't perfect, kinda needy etc, but noone is. When we broke up it was in the least hurtful way possible (short term anyway). The only thing shes ever done to hurt me is ignoring me now, and to be honest, maybe i kinda deserved that. The breakup also wouldnt have even happened if it wasn't for me, i was the one who broke up with her originally rather than trying to get through a rough patch and at the time she was devastated and had multiple nervous breakdowns about it over several months so i cant say she never cared. And to be honest, although we got back together afterwards i have the feeling that for the last year she has been going through that breakup and that it's only after an entire year that she has been able to move on, so although it was only 6 weeks after the second breakup until she was able to see someone new, in reality its been over a year. But comparing my story to some of those here makes it really difficult to rationalise the breakup and move on. Usually you do that by seeing that the person wasn't so great after all, so it wasn't so much of a loss, and you weren't as good a match as you thought you were, but i don't see how i can do that because I don't really have anything to go on. Instead im stuck feeling like i'll never meet anyone that matches up and knowing that it is actually all my fault that i feel this way. Anyone out there feel similarly? or have any advice? 1
JDPT Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Then you should be thankful that your story does not compare to the "horror stories" you read here. That's what I tell myself. 1
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Then you should be thankful that your story does not compare to the "horror stories" you read here. That's what I tell myself. But i'd almost rather my ex was a bitch or had done some terrible things or treated me badly during the relationship, at least then i could be thinking 'well, whatever comes next it's almost certainly going to be better than that' instead im just terrified that it's going to be worse and the next person i fall for is going to be similar to some from the stories here.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 But i'd almost rather my ex was a bitch or had done some terrible things or treated me badly during the relationship, at least then i could be thinking 'well, whatever comes next it's almost certainly going to be better than that' instead im just terrified that it's going to be worse and the next person i fall for is going to be similar to some from the stories here. Trust me, you are better off. 3
JDPT Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 That fear and uncertainty will eventually subside, trust me. I just to feel the same and simply could no relate as I thought my ex was "perfection" and always treated me "well" in time you will realize that your relationship wasn't all that great. When you take the time to analyze and internalize what essentially occurred you will find plenty of red flags and flaws.
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Maybe, i just feel like not only did i get dumpees pain but also the delayed pain of the dumper who realises they made a huge mistake. The only positive i can take is that at least i've learned from this, it's been too painful not to, will never make the same mistakes again. I just dont want to end up one of those people who hasnt moved on even after 5 years or something because they never found a person as good as that one to allow the last of the hurt/regret etc to dissipate. Yes ill meet someone, and yes ill fall in love again, but will i know they love me as much as she did, will i always be wondering what if? and regretting it?
JDPT Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I just dont want to end up one of those people who hasnt moved on even after 5 years or something because they never found a person as good as that one to allow the last of the hurt/regret etc to dissipate. It's called codependency. Don't worry about your next "true love" worry about yourself and your healing journey. 2
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Err... stop reading them?? Lol, yeah i guess that's the obvious answer, i guess it's hard not to, kind of like rubbernecking with a car crash. Separate question, for you guys that have been on here a long time, do you find yourself getting jaded by reading about all the terrible things people can do to people all the time? Does it effect your thoughts about your own relationships? I know for example that my sister is in the police and because she and the people she works with sees so much crap and so many crappy people that they almost start expecting it from everyone. That fear and uncertainty will eventually subside, trust me. I just to feel the same and simply could no relate as I thought my ex was "perfection" and always treated me "well" in time you will realize that your relationship wasn't all that great. When you take the time to analyze and internalize what essentially occurred you will find plenty of red flags and flaws. Thanks JDPT, that's actually reassuring, i really look forward to being in that position.
Mariposa10 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 In a way I feel like you. My ex was madly in love with me and I did many very immature little stupid things that I think in the end he got fed up. We were SOOOOOO in love. Sometimes it hurts to think that I don't know if I will ever find someone whom I will love as much as I loved him and vice versa. I wish I had met him when I was older. It hurts to think about all the things I learned in this relationship, all the things I would've done differently, but now it's too late. The damaged has been done, on both ends. It will never be the same. However, now that I'm doing NC and have started to feel better, I've had time to really see things the way they are. There are certain things that even if I didn't want to admit made us not as compatible as I thought we were. It also helps when I think about how besides my immaturity, I was a good girlfriend, super faithful, sweet, always gave him his space, etc. In fact, the other day, I was reading an old email he sent me long ago (I know I shouldn't have done it, but don't worry guys I have ZERO desire to contact him)where he listed some of the reasons why he loved me so much. He ended the email saying: I love you so much that I would never change anything about you. So that kind of stuff makes me feel less guilty about some of the things I said/did. He also mentioned how he was able to feel how much I loved him and that nobody had ever loved him as much as I did. That email has given me the closure I was looking for. After the breakup I stuck around for two reasons: expecting a miracle and to alleviate the guilt I was feeling. I think I'm finally forgiving myself.
Fufu Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Not a day goes by that I dont read some story by a person here hurting who has been treated awfully during a breakup or was in an obviously toxic relationship for one reason or another and yet the poor OP is still in love with them even though they're clearly better off. It's actually making me feel terrible. My relationship wasn't bad at all, my ex never emotionally abused me, never cheated, was low maintenance and treated me lovingly and with respect. She wasn't perfect, kinda needy etc, but noone is. When we broke up it was in the least hurtful way possible (short term anyway). The only thing shes ever done to hurt me is ignoring me now, and to be honest, maybe i kinda deserved that. The breakup also wouldnt have even happened if it wasn't for me, i was the one who broke up with her originally rather than trying to get through a rough patch and at the time she was devastated and had multiple nervous breakdowns about it over several months so i cant say she never cared. And to be honest, although we got back together afterwards i have the feeling that for the last year she has been going through that breakup and that it's only after an entire year that she has been able to move on, so although it was only 6 weeks after the second breakup until she was able to see someone new, in reality its been over a year. But comparing my story to some of those here makes it really difficult to rationalise the breakup and move on. Usually you do that by seeing that the person wasn't so great after all, so it wasn't so much of a loss, and you weren't as good a match as you thought you were, but i don't see how i can do that because I don't really have anything to go on. Instead im stuck feeling like i'll never meet anyone that matches up and knowing that it is actually all my fault that i feel this way. Anyone out there feel similarly? or have any advice? Forgive yourself and let go. We shouldn't live our entire life feeling overly depressed over a broken relationship. 1
JDPT Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Forgive yourself and let go. We shouldn't live our entire life feeling overly depressed over a broken relationship. That's right, life does go on and you, with a lot of work and commitment to healing will understand that nothing remains stagnant.
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I wish I had met him when I was older I feel the same way, i honestly think if i met her now rather than 3 years ago i would've ended up marrying her, i just wasn't emotionally mature enough It also helps when I think about how besides my immaturity, I was a good girlfriend, super faithful, sweet, always gave him his space, etc. This also sounds familiar, its not that i think i did anything terrible to her or that i was a bad boyfriend, just that my mistake has cost a lot. After the breakup I stuck around for two reasons: expecting a miracle and to alleviate the guilt I was feeling. Yep..are you me??
Salvatore85 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Trust me, it's much better to be in your situation than to go through an awful break up with a person you thought you knew. My ex was so bad that I considered suicide DURING our relationship. I can't answer why I stuck around so long but going through a bad break up with an vindictive individual is not an envious position. 2
Mariposa10 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I feel the same way, i honestly think if i met her now rather than 3 years ago i would've ended up marrying her, i just wasn't emotionally mature enough This also sounds familiar, its not that i think i did anything terrible to her or that i was a bad boyfriend, just that my mistake has cost a lot. Yep..are you me?? Yes, we're the same!! haha. Anyway, here's the thing. We both don't want, just like you said, be one of those people (no offense ) who, after many years, are still fantasizing about their exes. We should be happy about the relationships we had!! I feel lucky to have been loved and have loved the way I did. Even though I did call my ex "*******" the last time we spoke on the phone and asked him to leave me alone (long story). That was the first and only time I did that, we didn't have a nasty breakup. I know he knew I had "the right" to call him that because he didn't get upset... he just said I could always contact him whenever I wanted. I wished him the best at the very end of that call. This breakup has made me a stronger person. I'm also proud of myself because even though I had the chance I didn't get a rebound. I'm learning so much about myself. This time is all about me. I'm typing all this but the summary is that Fufu wrote, about being able to forgive ourselves and move on.
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 (edited) yeah hopefully we will. and i do feel lucky i guess, it's just difficult to appreciate at the moment. i also decided to stop dating again for now, it's not fair on the reboundee and all its doing is either making me feel worse or temporarily masking how i feel. Instead a good friend of mine and I have agreed to 'date' while we work on feeling better (shes also a little lovesick atm). i do struggle though with the fact that i dont know if she thinks badly of me though. I dont know if she now regrets ever meeting me, purely because of how things eventually ended with her ignoring me without any kind of explanation. you seem to have a pretty level head mariposa, so question. If it was your ex who seemed fine with the breakup but instead of him finding someone new you did and then when you told him he acted like a needy ******* blocked and deleted you from stuff said he didnt want to be friends etc because it hurt and then came back and told you he loved you and wanted to reconcile a week later. What would you be thinking if you chose to ignore him completely with no explanation? including ignoring any rational sounding apologies about acting like a jerk a month afterwards. Angry at them for only being upset when you started seeing someone and thought it was just a 'wants what he cant have'? Wanting to focus on the new guy and not wanting to deal with the confrontation/ hurting the old by saying 'its over deal with it'? Thinking i acted like a wackjob and that she just doesnt want anything to do with me ever again? All of the above? Edited October 31, 2013 by aybc123
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You are lucky because I was treated like crap and blamed so much that I actually go back and forth between blaming myself and fighting the unfairness. I would like to say that it's my low self-esteem blaming me (for the break up and the wretched treatment I got during three weeks of breaking up living together), but a huge part of me feels that my self-esteem was sinking during relationship or shattered during break up. So trust me, unless you are super prepared or super strong (like I turned out not to be), the abuse I endured during break up did a NUMBER on my self-esteem and it will take me a long, long time to recover. Never wish that, it's not better at all. Doesn't make it easier because even if the other person becomes and a monster at the end, if they weren't a monster before it is still very hard for me to dissociate the "him" from before and the "him" after break up, so I do sometimes believe I brought it on myself. Or at least the dumping. Or anything. See how I make no sense? A bad break up is worse by x10000, because sometimes you aren't just rejected which is bad enough but also under attack. 1
Author aybc123 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 ^ my breakup was bad, it wasnt initially but it did turn bad. its just the relationship that wasn't, anyway just clarifying, thanks for your thoughts.
Mariposa10 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 yeah hopefully we will. and i do feel lucky i guess, it's just difficult to appreciate at the moment. i also decided to stop dating again for now, it's not fair on the reboundee and all its doing is either making me feel worse or temporarily masking how i feel. Instead a good friend of mine and I have agreed to 'date' while we work on feeling better (shes also a little lovesick atm). i do struggle though with the fact that i dont know if she thinks badly of me though. I dont know if she now regrets ever meeting me, purely because of how things eventually ended with her ignoring me without any kind of explanation. you seem to have a pretty level head mariposa, so question. If it was your ex who seemed fine with the breakup but instead of him finding someone new you did and then when you told him he acted like a needy ******* blocked and deleted you from stuff said he didnt want to be friends etc because it hurt and then came back and told you he loved you and wanted to reconcile a week later. What would you be thinking if you chose to ignore him completely with no explanation? including ignoring any rational sounding apologies about acting like a jerk a month afterwards. Angry at them for only being upset when you started seeing someone and thought it was just a 'wants what he cant have'? Wanting to focus on the new guy and not wanting to deal with the confrontation/ hurting the old by saying 'its over deal with it'? Thinking i acted like a wackjob and that she just doesnt want anything to do with me ever again? All of the above? Here's the thing. I told my ex that at some point we were not gonna be able to be friends. I told him that as soon as we got into a serious relationship, at least as soon as I did, I would not talk to him. I told him I would not do that to my new boyfriend. He freaked out and said "I love you so much, I always want to be able to talk to you, we don't have to tell them (our future partners) every single thing about us." something which freaked me out, I thought it was kind of creepy. So right now if you're ex is only focusing on the new relationship, it doesn't mean she's forgotten you or that she doesn't love you anymore. If I had found someone new, I would have done the same thing your ex is doing. Even if I still loved my ex, I would cut contact COMPLETELY. I would feel like cheating if I still talked to him. Do you see what I mean? it's not about how she feels about you, but how she feels about the entire situation. That's the way I see it. I would do the same. I thought about it and told my ex. A part of me would also think that he only wanted what he couldn't have... I don't think your ex sees you like a horrible person. Why? because even if some people see it as something horrible to do, you stuck around the first time you guys broke up. My ex boyfriend did the same. In a sick maybe creepy way, I'm grateful he did that. I think I would've had a mental breakdown if he had completely blocked me from his life. Me being pathetic even kind of thanked him at some point. Even though he started hanging out with a new girl, he still talked to me every single day. We also hung out. The only difference between my ex and you was that you put a stop for awhile with the new girl and he didn't. He actually thought he could have a future with this girl, they had lots of things in common. When he was done with her, he kind of wanted to start taking things slow. But I knew I had to distance myself and asked him to not contact me anymore. I knew the damage had been done. I think the best for us is to forgive ourselves and move on. If it's meant to be it'll happen in the future. Why torment ourselves with what we can't control? And if I sound so sane that's thanks to NC! I was a mess when I was still keeping in touch with my ex. We can do it!! 2
Sugarkane Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'd rather have an amicable breakup than be dumped out of the blue, by text after a year and given no closure. Then blamed everything on me and have everyone cut me off. Also being dumped by a Ahole with a wandering peen and have the dumper gloat that their life is better without you. I'm getting jaded and cynical.
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