Dealbreakers

[rainfall]

I really don't have many deal breakers.

 

He has to never want kids

He has to love animals

I'd rather him not be a conservative

[nescafe1982]

I'm big on the "partnership" idea, so my dealbreakers are basically:

 

- If he doesn't consult me before making big decisions; or

- If he discounts my input or contributions to the relationship.

 

And the purely subjective stuff:

 

- If he's Republican or Conservative, that's a dealbreaker for me;

- If he's not educated or intellectually curious.

[KathyM]

Dealbreakers which would cause me to end a dating relationship and not want to marry the guy:

 

* Lack of ambition. Poor work ethic.

 

* Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

 

* Verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

 

* Easily angered and poor conflict resolution skills.

 

* A Debbie Downer/pessimistic/complainer.

 

* Doesn't like to do much, have fun, or try new things.

 

* Unintelligent.

 

* Doesn't want children.

 

* Doesn't get along with others very well.

[Woggle]

If she show any signs of being a misandrist or a manhater

If she has a history of cheating

If she uses hard drugs though occasional weed is okay

No cigarette smokers

If she is obsessed with status and materialism

If she can't hold herself accountable when she is wrong.

[Keenly]

I have so many questions. Hope you don't mind.

 

When you say talking to other guys is a dealbreaker, do you mean that a woman you date should never have friendships with males or be cordial to them?

 

The biological clock is not a "syndrome". It is a reality that all women have to deal with if they want children. Women who want to be mothers only have a finite period of time before getting and staying pregnant becomes difficult. The risk of birth defects goes up for women past 35.

 

I agree that nobody should marry or have kids just because other people are, but we live in a world where social pressure is always a factor. This is why there are certain stages in life where one is expected to have completed specific goals; it is the reason why someone who is 50 is never married is looked upon as an anomaly.

 

I would think that if a woman wants you in her home frequently, it means that she likes you. How does wanting a boyfriend to come over a lot mean that the woman has no life? Maybe I am missing something?

 

Any woman who cares about her sexual partners is going to want them to get off. I don't think it makes sense to say that sex should only be about pleasing one person. Isn't sex supposed to be about mutual satisfaction?

 

What is the counterpart to your gentlemen? I am interested in your answer because I am not sure what that means...

No problem , happy to clarify. I just wish scrolling up and down on a phone was easier

 

When I say talking to other guys, I mean she has 5 different guys she is CONSTANTLY texting. Flirting, smiley faces, inappropriate conversations, talking about OUR sex life with them (, female to female is alright ) that kind of thing. I'm not threatened by legitimate male friends, I'm threatened by " friends " that want a piece of ass, show it constantly, hit on her while we are together, and her not having the respect for me or the relationship to shut it down.

 

The biological clock thing , you need to remember I'm 24. I date 19 to 25. When women this age are already baby crazy, its the biggest turn off in the world. I haven't even had a chance to experience the world yet and they already want to settle down ? No thanks. That's what I was referring to. Also, pressuring your partner to have kids makes me vomit.

 

The not having a life part was a unique problem of my last relationship. After she graduated high school she ditched ALL of her friends. I was her only source of social interaction, as well as entertainment, because 6 months in she seemed to drop all of her hobbies as well. I don't mind if she wants to be around me all the time. What can I say I can be quite charming. The problem comes in as I'm a really introverted person. I need s considerable about of alone time. Now when she is being super clingy, she wants to hang out EVERY day for 6 hours a day, and I can't ever be alone, or I can't ever go out with my friends, or I can't have one Single day of not doing anything at all because she feels like I'm personally insulting her by saying I want a day to myself, its a problem.

 

 

The sex thing, To be honest I dont quite remember what I said, I'll re read my post and follow up in a second post.

 

The lady to my gentlemen is just a respect issue. She has to act like a lady. This is not that much work to me. All she has to do is respect me and my thoughts, as I respect her and hers. I know that's vague but let me give you some examples of my last relationship.

 

My feelings were never important. Often if I expressed them I was labeled a bad guy.

She didn't understand how to be thankful for spontaneous gifts of romance. She would stare at me blankly like it was a game of fetch.

 

A lady doesn't bang 3 other guys while we're together, and she doesn't tell all of her friends and family that I beat her when I never have laid a malevolent hand on any woman and never would.

 

 

That kind of thing. Being a lady pretty much translates to not being a manipulative psycho whorebag.

[Keenly]

I think what you are referring to with the sex thing was I was literally a slave to it.

 

 

I was NOT allowed to say no, otherwise I would be guilt tripped and emotionally manipulated into feeling like a terrible person.

 

 

If I worked all day, just wanted to rest, she flew off the handle screaming about how I wasn't attracted to her and I'm probably cheating on her and all this stupid insecure crap. Sex was like ownership to her, rather than being intimate and (this sounds so lame) making love.

[Nyla]

No problem , happy to clarify. I just wish scrolling up and down on a phone was easier

 

When I say talking to other guys, I mean she has 5 different guys she is CONSTANTLY texting. Flirting, smiley faces, inappropriate conversations, talking about OUR sex life with them (, female to female is alright ) that kind of thing. I'm not threatened by legitimate male friends, I'm threatened by " friends " that want a piece of ass, show it constantly, hit on her while we are together, and her not having the respect for me or the relationship to shut it down.

 

The biological clock thing , you need to remember I'm 24. I date 19 to 25. When women this age are already baby crazy, its the biggest turn off in the world. I haven't even had a chance to experience the world yet and they already want to settle down ? No thanks. That's what I was referring to. Also, pressuring your partner to have kids makes me vomit.

 

The not having a life part was a unique problem of my last relationship. After she graduated high school she ditched ALL of her friends. I was her only source of social interaction, as well as entertainment, because 6 months in she seemed to drop all of her hobbies as well. I don't mind if she wants to be around me all the time. What can I say I can be quite charming. The problem comes in as I'm a really introverted person. I need s considerable about of alone time. Now when she is being super clingy, she wants to hang out EVERY day for 6 hours a day, and I can't ever be alone, or I can't ever go out with my friends, or I can't have one Single day of not doing anything at all because she feels like I'm personally insulting her by saying I want a day to myself, its a problem.

 

 

The sex thing, To be honest I dont quite remember what I said, I'll re read my post and follow up in a second post.

 

The lady to my gentlemen is just a respect issue. She has to act like a lady. This is not that much work to me. All she has to do is respect me and my thoughts, as I respect her and hers. I know that's vague but let me give you some examples of my last relationship.

 

My feelings were never important. Often if I expressed them I was labeled a bad guy.

She didn't understand how to be thankful for spontaneous gifts of romance. She would stare at me blankly like it was a game of fetch.

 

A lady doesn't bang 3 other guys while we're together, and she doesn't tell all of her friends and family that I beat her when I never have laid a malevolent hand on any woman and never would.

 

 

That kind of thing. Being a lady pretty much translates to not being a manipulative psycho whorebag.

 

Thanks for the clarifying.

 

I agree that someone who is in a relationship should not be flirting with the opposite sex or continuing communication with anyone who doesn't respect the primary partner. I had an old high school crush find me on Facebook. He started posting compliments on my pictures, sending romantic messages and even asked me to meet with him again. I deleted him immediately.

 

24 is early to be thinking about having babies and getting married. I think that young people need to have their fun before settling down. We are only young once and there is plenty of time for marriage and babies when one is in his early to mid twenties. I never thought about marriage until I was 27. Before that, I never believed I would marry because I liked the excitement and freedom of single life. Sorry, I didn't realize you were only 24. Your opinion makes complete sense.

 

Even married couples need time apart and space. Your girlfriend did sound very clingy and if you are introverted that gets old fast. My husband is an introvert and though he loves to spend time with me, there are times we do our own thing in different rooms of our place. We always reconnect and have conversations or make out.

 

Both partners need to have their feelings respected and heard in a relationship. There is also a need for tact and gentle honesty. Some women are not accustomed to romance, so a man being romantic to them is a foreign language. I don't think it is fair to hold that against someone. My husband is a very romantic lover and it is taking me some time to get used to it. He has been very patient yet firm with me about accepting romance; it is about learning to trust him and being vulnerable.

 

I am so sorry that a woman did such horrible things to you. It appears that you are a very intelligent and thoughtful guy. I hope you find someone who deserves you.

[thefooloftheyear]

My deal breakers:

 

*Wants children. Done with that.

*Hoarders are out.

*Must be chivalrous, polite, disease and drug free, clean, and have all his teeth.

*Must act like a man. Whiners are out. This is negotiable when he's sick because most men become babies when they are mildly ill yet proclaim to be dying.

*Must be financially stable. Doesn't mean he has to be loaded but I'm not financing him.

*Must realize my children are my most cherished assets. Treat them accordingly.

*He needs to be into sex, be skilled at it, and committed to monogamy.

*Must be strong enough to be secure with my independence yet still want to take care of me.

 

Nice extras:

 

*Willingness to rub my back and head when I'm falling asleep.

*Willingness to endure the messiness of my poppy seed bagel addiction.

 

Other items are negotiable.

 

 

hmmmm....

 

Hey...Im, ****..have we met?...

 

 

TFY

[newmoon]

dealbreakers for me are the ones that break my own moral/ethical code, so it's mostly major stuff b/c everything else can be tolerated/negotiated if i love them

 

any criminal acts

infidelity, even in their past

abuse (physical/mental or drugs/alcohol)

not financially aware/savvy

unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, drugs, bad diet)

dirty/unhygenic habits

snoring :-)

[MissBee]

Dealbreakers which would cause me to end a dating relationship and not want to marry the guy:

 

* Lack of ambition. Poor work ethic.

 

* Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

 

* Verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

 

* Easily angered and poor conflict resolution skills.

 

* A Debbie Downer/pessimistic/complainer.

 

* Doesn't like to do much, have fun, or try new things.

 

* Unintelligent.

 

* Doesn't want children.

 

* Doesn't get along with others very well.

 

Pessimistic complainers are a deal breaker for me as well.

 

I am turned off by complacent men and men who like to feel sorry for themselves and spend more time complaining and saying woe is me than actually putting in the work to change their circumstance.

 

I am realistic but also very optimistic and motivated and always believe I will DIE TRYING rather than sit back and wallow in woe is me views on life or telling myself I am stuck...I need a man who is that way as well. We all get down sometimes and I need him in my corner to remind me of what I can do and what we can do and of possibilities and I will do the same for him if he's in a rut.

[todreaminblue]

realistically

 

i cant be with someone who doesnt like kids i have five ......well some are adults now but they are still my children

someone who cant handle disabilities is not for me

some one judgemental is not for me

someone who wants their own biological children i could get my tubal litigation reversed but i wont make it to term with a pregnancy yes i would fall pregnant ...wouldnt make it through the birth so would leave my family motherless......doctors have informed m of this with my last pregnancy almost didnt make it then......

 

someone who doesnt have an open door policy.....is not really for me i have people who come to my house who need help i refuse to not help as much as i am able to

 

someone who belittles or tries to pick apart my faith.....is not for me ....

 

someone who isnt calm and who cant tell me to come back to earth......is actually risky for me because i will disassociate literally

 

someone who cant show affection would destroy me..... had enough of that.......

[Arabella]

Here's my deal-breaker list:

 

- Must be honest to a fault, a man who keeps himself accountable.

- Must not have a past littered with promiscuity and/or cheating.

- Must be family oriented and desire a strong partnership with their wife. Men who want eternal live-in GFs or a stay-at-home wife need not apply.

- Must have a means to make a decent living for himself and have a strong work ethic.

- Must have a solid sex drive and desire to explore our sexuality together, and be affectionate outside the bedroom.

- Must be intelligent and interested in the world around us so they enjoy doing things outside the home, traveling, discussing current events, etc.

- Must not be religious.

- Must be organized and hygienic.

 

The older I get, the longer and more specific this list gets!

Edited November 13, 2013 by Arabella

[strongnrelaxed]

I find it interesting how many items people have on their lists. I have only two deal breakers:

 

1. Lying

2. Inability to think critically/for yourself

 

 

I can work with the rest.

Edited December 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eggplant]

It's almost impossible to find somebody with whom you are madly in love and who is madly in love with you. If I found that person, the only non-red-flag reason that would deter me would be that he adamantly didn't want children.

 

(I won't bother to list the obvious red flags or objectively negative personality characteristics, since those are not what the OP asked for.)

[dichotomy]

Just my two cents, deal breakers are easy and extensive pre-love, and pre-marriage when your just dating or getting to know someone. Love and Marriage change things - for better and for worse - and deal breakers get very narrow.

 

Having kids as mentioned by OP is a tough one. Finding out later, due to medical or health reasons, that you can't is heart breaking.

Edited December 3, 2013 by dichotomy

[WhoreyBull]

It makes me disgusted that a person would leave someone who cannot have children. What about adoption? Jeeze.

I don't kniw what my deal breakers are, aside from having a temper, but I know I have traits that some would consider deal breakers.

-I am a slob

-I smoke

-I drink a lot

Etc.

For me the only deal breaker is if you abuse me, are a grump, or I don't like you. Haha.

[Silly_Girl]

It makes me disgusted that a person would leave someone who cannot have children. What about adoption? Jeeze.

 

Can I ask, do you have children?

[man_in_the_box]

- Good WiFi

- No bed bugs

- Cheap

- Clean

[WhoreyBull]

Can I ask, do you have children?

 

No, I have been a foster parent though.

[Silly_Girl]

No, I have been a foster parent though.

 

Thanks.

 

I think there are people who, whether fair or no, believe that having children is so integral to their being, and of such a high priority that not to be able to have children (as perhaps they have expected all their lives) would bring on depression, or impact on their lives to such an extent that there is no other solution than to move on to procreate with another.

 

I don't condone that view, but I accept that it is there and for some people just won't go away.

[CherryT]

Thanks.

 

I think there are people who, whether fair or no, believe that having children is so integral to their being, and of such a high priority that not to be able to have children (as perhaps they have expected all their lives) would bring on depression, or impact on their lives to such an extent that there is no other solution than to move on to procreate with another.

 

I don't condone that view, but I accept that it is there and for some people just won't go away.

 

I agree with this.

 

Although, I wouldn't leave someone who couldn't have biological children of their own, I know people who have. I don't think it's "disgusting" because I think they do have the right, for whatever personal reasons, to make that decision for themselves. It's like couples who stay together for their children when they really should be divorced. Sometimes there is love and sometimes that love is not enough when having biological children is THAT important to someone. It definitely sucks if you're in a relationship with someone and they leave you because you cannot have children. I have a family member who left her common-law partner because he couldn't have children. She loved him but her want to have biological children outweighed that love. She wanted to take that chance. Just like someone who may leave a partner, despite how much they love them, because they could but don't want children. I can't blame her for following what she wants even though I wouldn't personal do that if my fiancé couldn't have children and adoption was possible.

[Arieswoman]

IMO these are so subjective that we could fill a whole forum with them!

 

One of my patients got married last week. He is 86 and his wife is 74. Their previous spouses died.

 

I would imagine that their dealbreakers are a lot different to a couple in their 20's !

 

What we want at 20 isn't want we want at 30, 40 or 50. People grow and evolve as individuals.

 

Instead of discussing dealbreakers how about focusing on what we want instead of what we don't want?

[Silly_Girl]

 

Instead of discussing dealbreakers how about focusing on what we want instead of what we don't want?

 

Start a thread?

 

I personally was interested in what would turn the person who's perfect for you into someone who's impossible to be with, not related to their character per se.

 

I couldn't tolerate my inlaws up in my face and a massive part of my social life, for example, but others would be fine with that.

[WhoreyBull]

Thanks.

 

I think there are people who, whether fair or no, believe that having children is so integral to their being, and of such a high priority that not to be able to have children (as perhaps they have expected all their lives) would bring on depression, or impact on their lives to such an extent that there is no other solution than to move on to procreate with another.

 

I don't condone that view, but I accept that it is there and for some people just won't go away.

 

I think this thread may be old now, sorry if I am reviving it.

In that case, I am just sad for those people. I feel like a child is a gift, not just our own children, but all children.

There is that saying "it takes a village to raise a child". I am sad those type of people cannot see their ability to have children is not a gift, but their ability to give a child a life is.

My aunt, who cannot have children (if it is a problem with my aunt or uncle, I do not know), adopted a child who has a mental defect. Their life is difficult sometimes but they love him just the same. Though, who has a child that does not cause difficulties? Haha.

I have pain in my heart for those who cannot see the joy they could provise

[Tayla]

I think this thread may be old now, sorry if I am reviving it.

In that case, I am just sad for those people. I feel like a child is a gift, not just our own children, but all children.

There is that saying "it takes a village to raise a child". I am sad those type of people cannot see their ability to have children is not a gift, but their ability to give a child a life is.

My aunt, who cannot have children (if it is a problem with my aunt or uncle, I do not know), adopted a child who has a mental defect. Their life is difficult sometimes but they love him just the same. Though, who has a child that does not cause difficulties? Haha.

I have pain in my heart for those who cannot see the joy they could provise

 

I appreciate your devotion to the goodness of children. I also can say some people (adults) make a well valued choice to not bring a life into this world that is already ridden with violence and poor behaviors. For them I respect that choice...they recognize that its not for them...or their lifestyle. Bottom line, there are sadly some folks that have kids that really shouldn't. They haven't the first clue how to love or discipline in a way that nurtures and provides stability. Its not "selfish" to not want to be a parent or a parent figure. Not every adult is made to tend to offsprings ....My Biological Dad was a perfect example of someone who genuinely would have been better off being single and childless...No disrepect to him...he had many good qualities but parenting and being a positive role model was not one of them....