ponchsox Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 To make them feel better that they dumped you and can still hang out with you without commitment? Because they realized they screwed up? Because they care about you and enjoyed your company? For sex during dry spells? I'm looking for reasons from dumpers who later reached out to those they dumped. 1
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Mine turned up saying he loved me and wished me nothing but the best, also wishing me a safe trip. So, he came back because once his rage had subsided and the break up fog had cleared, he felt guilty for making me cry endlessly (also saying that I was incapable of being happy with him or somebody else), and basically, jut not wanting to feel or look like jerk. He wanted to reach out in this socially-correct, looking-like-the-bigger person way to make sure I didn't hate him or wouldn't go talking bad about him. So yes, guilt and ego.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Well, my sister's fiance dumped her four years ago because he was intimidated by how fast the relationship was going. He tried to get her back shortly after, but she told him to f--k off and they barely spoke for about a year (only reason it wasn't a full NC was because my sister's best friend where she lives was dating his best friend, but it was very LC). Apparently he evolved over the course of that year, a year where my sister dated someone else who didn't work out, so when he came back against she took him back skeptically. But he had matured and they not only got back together, but moved in together about a year ago and got engaged in the spring. My friend married a woman who broke up with him. Apparently he was hung up on another ex when they first started dating, which caused problems and caused her to dump him. They went NC for 6-7 months, didn't talk to each other at all. My friend tried with the other ex and was successful for a short time until she dumped him a second time for another guy. A few months after that my friend and his future wife ran into each other, started back as friends and then started dating again. The second time stuck and they got married two months ago.
travelonic Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 To make them feel better that they dumped you and can still hang out with you without commitment? Because they realized they screwed up? Because they care about you and enjoyed your company? For sex during dry spells? I'm looking for reasons from dumpers who later reached out to those they dumped. Any one of those options [plus many other unsaid ones] are likely, it all depends on the breakup, why, the person and what he or she is like, etc.
StrongLass Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'm looking for reasons from dumpers who later reached out to those they dumped. Who said they couldn't contact you for ALL OF THOSE REASONS AT ONCE? Did your head explode? No? Good. It ALWAYS depends on the individuals involved. That's the only sincere & accurate answer any of us will be able to give you. 1
heartshaped Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 For me, it was because I missed him, loved him, and wanted to see if we could make things work now that we had both matured. But each situation is unique.
EIK Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Because I realized that I screwed up, I love her and want nothing more, nothing less than to be with her. The breakup was very painful to her. We got back together, but she doesn't feel like she loves me anymore, and it hurts me everyday not to be able to make her heart beat faster. I'm working on winning it back, but I don't really know what to do and it's really frustrating at times. 1
ZaneIssac Posted November 3, 2013 Posted November 3, 2013 In my situation, we had gone through months of constant fights and her sinking deeper into depression and neediness. We were "officially" broken up, but still talking nearly daily and still sleeping together. My grades in school were slipping and she gave me a hard time whenever I did anything away from her (gym, studying, walking the dog!, etc.). When her phone broke, she practically had a nervous breakdown. I calmed her down, came up with a plan to fix it, started on getting the parts together and... she lost it again. Total freakout, threatening suicide, the works. We had a huge fight and stopped talking for a week (maybe two). At the same time, I was having withdrawal symptoms from getting off of antidepressants, so I was in freakout mode myself (though I never told her because she had problems of her own). When she got in touch again, she told me she needed me to break things off with her completely. I refused, but she kept insisting. I was fed up, under tons of pressure and told her a lie: that we weren't friends anymore. When the semester had ended, the withdrawal symptoms had passed and my head was clear, I realized I was thinking about her daily. Worried about her. I would have called her if she hadn't changed her number. I tried to move on: I went on vacation for the first time in 7 years. I went out and kept busy. But every activity felt less fun because I wasn't sharing it with her. Any time any thing interesting in my life happened, I wanted to tell her about it. After months and months of this, I realized that I was in love with this girl, though I hadn't known it when we were together (it was a sore point for her). I finally got around to contacting her, but that's a long story (described in my thread on this same forum). Bottom line: it was too late. In summary, some dumpers (like me), only realize what they had after they lost it and are trying to get it back.
Sugarkane Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 If the dumper is male especially, they're likely to come back because you're familiar and they're going through a dry spell.
Woggle Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 They come back when you move on without them because their ego can't take it.
Fufu Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Every dumpers are different. Some come back for booty calls Some come back to tell you how great their lives are Some come back to apologise (but not having the intention to getting back) Some come back realizing their mistake and want to get back. and there are still tons of other possibilities. But I think it doesn't matter what the dumpers' reason of coming back are, important is whether the dumpees still feel that it is wise to get back with them. 2
melell Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 To make them feel better that they dumped you and can still hang out with you without commitment? Because they realized they screwed up? Because they care about you and enjoyed your company? For sex during dry spells? I'm looking for reasons from dumpers who later reached out to those they dumped. My ex tried to come back. And I really do believe he wanted me back because of all the things you listed. For me I'd have to change the first one 'to relieve guilt, and hang out with you, commitment irrelevant, they could always break up with you again'
NoMoreJerks Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Because I realized that I screwed up, I love her and want nothing more, nothing less than to be with her. The breakup was very painful to her. We got back together, but she doesn't feel like she loves me anymore, and it hurts me everyday not to be able to make her heart beat faster. I'm working on winning it back, but I don't really know what to do and it's really frustrating at times. Out of curiosity, how long after you dumped her did you regret it and want her back? How soon after the breakup did you 2 get back together?
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 They will come back for themselves, not for you. 1
travelonic Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 They will come back for themselves, not for you. Depends - some do, some do not, some come back with bad intent, others come back with honestly good intent, it's not all or nothing 1
NoMoreJerks Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I will never understand why mine came back. I think mostly because he could, and he was alone and I was serving as his armchair psychologist/emotional cushion/ego stroke/booty call... and because he knew he could yo-yo back into my life at any point and that I'd take him back.. It's rarely a selfless act, IMO. If they were that selfless, they would've tried their hardest to work on the relationship to salvage it, rather than walking out on you. Even if they came back because they realized how good you were, it is still a selfish act, IMO, because they want what is best for them, and if they were that selfless they wouldn't have gone searching for an upgrade on you (as they usually do when they dump you), only to realize that you were the best thing that happened to them. 3
melell Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I will never understand why mine came back. I think mostly because he could, and he was alone and I was serving as his armchair psychologist/emotional cushion/ego stroke/booty call... and because he knew he could yo-yo back into my life at any point and that I'd take him back.. It's rarely a selfless act, IMO. If they were that selfless, they would've tried their hardest to work on the relationship to salvage it, rather than walking out on you. Even if they came back because they realized how good you were, it is still a selfish act, IMO, because they want what is best for them, and if they were that selfless they wouldn't have gone searching for an upgrade on you (as they usually do when they dump you), only to realize that you were the best thing that happened to them. And usually the reason people want them back is self serving as well. Kinda human nature I think. 1
Riou Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Mine came back and claimed that she left out of no choice because of problems in school..years later..left and blame the breakup on me.Lesson learnt:if they don't admit their mistake,don't take them back because they will make the same mistake again. 4
Ordinaryday Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 In my experience it is because they got rid of you hoping to trade up but for whatever reason found they couldn't do any 'better' than you and their next relationship didn't work out. they come back for an ego boost and thinking/expecting you will happily take them back, and they can just use you until someone 'better' comes along and they will drop you again. 4
NoMoreJerks Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) And usually the reason people want them back is self serving as well. Kinda human nature I think. I don't know. I didn't want mine back. If I had wanted him back, it would've been because I loved him ,but at that point, I had lost all love and attraction to him, because of the shock of finding out (in pictures and videos) that he had cheated on me. Why do you say there's a self-serving purpose behind taking dumpers back? Most of the time, people want their dumpers back because they love them. And sometimes because they have issues and feel like they can't survive on their own. But I wouldn't put that on par with the more self-serving and more conscious decision of a dumper to come back. In the case of the dumper, he/ she made a conscious decision and then backtracked. In the case of the dumpee,the break-up was forced upon them, so I don't think there is the same level of self-serving consciousness in wanting the dumpee / dumper back. Edited November 6, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 2
aybc123 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) I will never understand why mine came back. I think mostly because he could, and he was alone and I was serving as his armchair psychologist/emotional cushion/ego stroke/booty call... and because he knew he could yo-yo back into my life at any point and that I'd take him back.. It's rarely a selfless act, IMO. If they were that selfless, they would've tried their hardest to work on the relationship to salvage it, rather than walking out on you. Even if they came back because they realized how good you were, it is still a selfish act, IMO, because they want what is best for them, and if they were that selfless they wouldn't have gone searching for an upgrade on you (as they usually do when they dump you), only to realize that you were the best thing that happened to them. Everything that everyone who has ever lived has ever done was for selfish reasons, even if that reason is 'im gonna jump on this grenade because if i dont my brothers are going to die and i couldn't live with that' it's still selfish. So there you go, mind=blown. Being selfish means nothing because it's what motivates everyone every day of their lives, to feel good or feel good about themselves or work towards goals that are going to give them that. And sugarkane could you please stop trying to paint men as somehow worse or differently motivated in breakups than women please? i recognise that you've been hurt by a guy but none of the stuff you say about us is true, it's just a mass generalisation based on your own confirmation bias. Quit it. OP chances are all of the reasons you gave, or several of them at once. Personally i didnt think going back was an option (it wasn't) so i convinced myself (successfully) that i didnt want to be with her, when we first broke up i actually didn't and a few months after i pretty much did but held off the upset by telling myself it wasn't possible. Anyway then we had a huge falling out and suddenly it was possible again. And then some really terrible stuff happened to her and all i wanted was to be there for her, **** the rest of the world. It was like a light turning back on after trying to pretend the switch wasnt there anymore for months. It was never a sex thing, i can get sex relatively easily but its pretty empty and meaningless. If its ever a sex thing then i suspect it's a 'sex with that particular person' thing and the emotional connections it has. In b4 herp derp guys dont have emotions and only care about sex. Edited November 6, 2013 by aybc123
love1336x Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Wanting to know if you did better.... because they didn't... :/ 3
crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Well....I'm in contact with one of my ex's that I dumped purely for sex. I'm open about it with her. I know she wants more but she's proven over and over again that she's untrustworthy and it's easy sex for me. I've made it clear, on no uncertain terms, that under no circumstances will we ever be back together again. It's also nice for some companionship once in a while. Probably not the most noble reason, but there it is.
EIK Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Out of curiosity, how long after you dumped her did you regret it and want her back? How soon after the breakup did you 2 get back together? 2 months. Now it has been 2 weeks since we got back together and things are going great. Not as good as it used to be, but we've made good progress and things are much better than expected. We'll get there...
Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Mine admitted he kept coming back because he was bored and lonely. I think also he was worried he wouldn't meet anyone else - cos he's a total loser and probably wont 2
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