Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 look i am very big reconciliation; i believe ever ws who’s truly remorseful should have a shoot at reconciliation. With that said your wife has had an affair for more than 5 years and had brought the om into your bedroom not only but your son’s room. She has crossed every line possible you need to file for a divorce and try to move on. She cannot possible love and have lied and betrayed for 5 years, i know it hurt but seriously you need to move on. I am also a ws and i believe who every ws get second chance but sometimes the betray is just too great and this one of those times. agreed 100%
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I am so sorry for you. You really should get a divorce. Just look at the facts. 1. She has been screwing another man for up to 6 years behind your back. This means that your marriage for the past 6 years has been a farce and a total joke to her. 2. She brought another man in your home and in your bed to screw him. This is highly symbolic and was a form of total defecation on you and your marriage. 3. In 6 years you know that there had to be numerous times that you had sex with her after she had been with him. 4. She deliberately picked your BEST FRIEND! Clearly she was getting off on this perverse thrill of screwing your best friend behind your back and in your bed. 5. She put you health at risk for STD's for 6 years. You both need to get tested at once. 6. Regardless of how old your son is he needs to be tested for paternity. 7. Your wife has used you for at least 6 years and played you for a fool and she would be right if you stay with her. 8. Your so-called wife through her actions has shown you that she has absolute contempt for you and your marriage and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. 9. Contact the OM's wife or girlfriend at once and also expose this to her family. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? This is the absolute ultimate in the humiliation of a spouse. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted this? See a lawyer immediately. The OM is single with no girlfriend or wife and yes I'm getting a DIVORCE!
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 You need to take your sons bed and your bed and have a barn fire. Is the OM married? Does the OM live close by and or work with your WW? Why did your WW tell you about the affair? Best thing to do is to not make any life changing decisions for a few months. Then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. There are some many things that you need to learn to make sure the affair is over and never restarts again. The steps needed to rebuild trust. How WW has to make atonement for her actions. For the both of you to learn how to have a better relationship. What does OM mean?? But anyway he is single He lives about three miles from us I'm not even sure why she bothered telling me about the affair she never went into details.
aliveagain Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 How long were you married to her? What is most devastating about a long term affair is the fact that it took immense planning to pull it off. The amount of lies she had to tell you to carry it off is mind boggling. Protection wasn't used, the three of you shared more than you may want to know. They talked and strategized against you, that will be the hardest thing to overcome if you decide to reconcile. They were a team united against you. It will take years of therapy and hard work just to be able to touch her again. Just because she told you about the affair doesn't excuse her actions or mean she is remorseful. Having children with her isn't reason enough to stay married to her. You need to decide what it is you want and decide if what she is is worth the time required to work through this mess. Detach yourself from her, read up on the 180 and use the 180 to help you feel good about yourself again. Couples can and have survived infidelity but both of you need to want the marriage equally, she gave up on your marriage 5 years ago, she has no say, the decision is yours.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'm seriously leaning towards divorce but im wondering why did she have to pick my friend out of all people **** MY LIFE!! OP: The easy answer is availability...he was there. The hard answer is to somehow stick it to you because she knew this is the affair that would hurt you the most. In my opinion, if someone goes after a friend of the spouse, they are trying to do irrevocable harm because they feel resentment over something in the past or they want to hurt you for past slights. This is terrible, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this crap. You know I am a big proponent of working on marriages, but when someone cheats on you for 5-6 years, it is no longer an issue and has morphed into an epidemic. The trust is gone and no matter what, you won't be able to get those images out of your head. Time to end it. Cheat once, you made a terrible mistake, cheat 5-6 years and you are a POS. Find a good divorce lawyer and take care of your child. Good luck, Grumps
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 How long were you married to her? What is most devastating about a long term affair is the fact that it took immense planning to pull it off. The amount of lies she had to tell you to carry it off is mind boggling. Protection wasn't used, the three of you shared more than you may want to know. They talked and strategized against you, that will be the hardest thing to overcome if you decide to reconcile. They were a team united against you. It will take years of therapy and hard work just to be able to touch her again. Just because she told you about the affair doesn't excuse her actions or mean she is remorseful. Having children with her isn't reason enough to stay married to her. You need to decide what it is you want and decide if what she is is worth the time required to work through this mess. Detach yourself from her, read up on the 180 and use the 180 to help you feel good about yourself again. Couples can and have survived infidelity but both of you need to want the marriage equally, she gave up on your marriage 5 years ago, she has no say, the decision is yours. Married since 2006 (8 years).
atreides Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Married since 2006 (8 years). wow year 2 was the start of the A, sounds like a few marriages i have heard of before. I wish you the best you are doing the right thing. 1
Yesterday Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Married since 2006 (8 years). And she admits to cheating for 5 of your 8 years, could have been longer! I suspect your snake of a best friend had decided the affair was over for him. I am surprised that you never saw any signs of affection between them over the several years? How old are you and your WS? Did you travel a great deal? How old is your son?, I agree with the other poster that a paternity test should be done. See your lawyer and get your finances in order. Eat healthy, get out and do physical activities to feel a little better and vent some of your anger. Sorry she put you in this position. Be strong. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 What does OM mean?? But anyway he is single He lives about three miles from us I'm not even sure why she bothered telling me about the affair she never went into details. My guess is that at least part of the affair was a way to "punish" you, even though you didn't know about it. I'm thinking that part of the affair, on BOTH of their parts, was resentment over you. Who knows, but that's what crosses my mind. As far as telling you about it, outing him to you, I would say that also is done to "punish," probably to punish him for something he did or wouldn't do. Maybe she wanted to leave you and be with him, get married to him, and he wouldn't do it. Maybe he was starting to see another girl, or he "cheated" on her, and this is how she is punishing him for it. Again, who knows, but your wife, just to have an affair like that with your best friend for so long - well, let's just say that it's a very small subset of affairs that last 5-6 years with the spouse's best friend. One thing I will say is that coming clean was NOT out of guilt and LOVE for you. If it was, then she would have explained it better, tried to make you understand why it happened and why she ended it, something she apparently didn't do. 1
stillafool Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 After a 5 to 6 year relationship I doubt people just forget about each other. Your wife is grieving the lost of the relationship with your friend and now wants to hurt him by telling you. He probably dumped her. Even if you were to reconcile she will still be thinking about your friend and may cheat with him again. It takes a special kind of snake (um person) to cheat for years and still be able to look you in the face every day as if they are clean. She has told your best friend your deepest secrets. I just couldn't look at her again without getting nauseous. This woman didn't even have the decency to stay out of her sons bed. It's too much, just too much. Divorce her yesterday. 1
road Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I'm already thinking about the divorce process she is currently not staying with me at the moment (but she keeps calling my phone but I have not answered yet) I'm just looking for a good divorce lawyer...sorry but forgiveness is NOT an option for me..thanks for the advice Where is she staying? Does the OMW know about the affair?
road Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Where is she staying? Does the OMW know about the affair? Why did the affair end? Why did WW tell you? You must do a DNA paternity test. As WW's tell the truth they also hold back key information. 1
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 And she admits to cheating for 5 of your 8 years, could have been longer! I suspect your snake of a best friend had decided the affair was over for him. I am surprised that you never saw any signs of affection between them over the several years? How old are you and your WS? Did you travel a great deal? How old is your son?, I agree with the other poster that a paternity test should be done. See your lawyer and get your finances in order. Eat healthy, get out and do physical activities to feel a little better and vent some of your anger. Sorry she put you in this position. Be strong. I'm 31 years old and no I never suspected anything between them When all three of us were together they never really talked to each other that much. Nah I was never the travelling type just a go to work and come home type person. My son is four years old this year
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Where is she staying? Does the OMW know about the affair? I think she is staying with her sister at the moment (she could be sleeping under a bridge for all I care though) The om is single as far as I still know
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Why did the affair end? Why did WW tell you? You must do a DNA paternity test. As WW's tell the truth they also hold back key information. I'm not really sure why it ended she never went into detail of what happened and I dont know what prompted her to tell me as well That suprised me alot
Dimepiece Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 How was your sex life during the affair? Didn't notice anything? 1
Bkeys72 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 6 years?? WTF ARE YOU SERIOUS??!! For that damn long? Holy **** dude.. I honestly gotta take my hat off to you man, the very fact that you didn't land in jail after her telling you about this shows that you're the Mother Teresa of forgiveness. Personally I'd be sitting in a cell right now awaiting trial for assault and battery. Did you ever notice any signs of "affection" between them or not? Have you tried to contact your so-called friend yet? I'm so sorry this happened to you man, GET A DIVORCE AND A LAWYER a one time cheat I could forgive, but for 6 years? UNFORGIVABLE It makes me sick how people can have the audacity to do things like this to their spouses and act like it's not a big deal. Actually got angry after reading your story. Normally I'm against men hitting women but for something like this I'd make an exception, she definitley deserves an ass-whooping. To be having sex in your sons bed seems like she and your "best friend" don't even have a conscience. Anyway man cut them both out of you life PERMANENTLY..best of luck to you bro. 1
Author Mr.NoDaysOff Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 How was your sex life during the affair? Didn't notice anything? The sex life was pretty normal I didn't notice anything drastically different Why do you ask?:-)
Clay Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 You know the more I think about your situation I think the only answer is you need to leave her. Your whole relationship is a lie. I know its probably killing you inside to even think about it but it is the truth. Its the only truth you know for sure. Don't walk. RUN. Run fast and far away. if it is your house. Wait till she leaves to go some where change the locks and get a restraining order against her. Tell the cops she threatened your life. Don't talk to her at all. Give her the same respect she gave you. You will never be healthy in this relationship as it stands. You can not fix her or save her. She is Lost and has been lost long before you ever got with her. There are so much better women out there. Trust me. I didn't think I would be able to find love again and I was not only wrong I was stupid to think that way. The women are so much better. Save your kid and yourself. Clay 1
harrybrown Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Has she stopped the affair? Has she been tested for stds? Have you been tested for stds? Is your son your son? Has she stopped seeing your "friend"? Have her give you a written timeline of the affair. Is she staying with your "friend" right now? Did she tell you so that she could get out of the marriage and be with your "friend"? Sorry you are having this experience. I am glad that you have decided to divorce her. I would get the std information and the affair information. She ripped your heart out and threw it in the fire. What information has she given you and why did she give it to you? Where is your son? 1
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 if you have minor children together even if you filed today the court is going to order mandated mediation anyway. Since there is no abuse or addiction or abandonment of the children here, the mediator is going to at least make an initial attempt to try to get you to reconcile so at some point you are going to be sitting across the table from her anyway. So go ahead a make a good faith effort to explain to her the pain and torment she has caused you and the destruction and damage she has caused to your marriage, family and home. Don't be vindictive and condescending about it, just be open, honest and sincere. that will cut deeper anyway. Go ahead and give her an honest shot at making amends. Like the other posters have already said, she is going to have to do the vast majority of the heavy lifting. She will likely not be able to bare that burdeon and will crumple under it. At that point go ahead and proceed with the divorce. By making a sincere, good faith effort at hearing each other out and sitting down to discuss the issues, it will give both of you the peace of mind that you communicated and made the effort to make things as less bitter and hostile as possible. Divorce is still likely in your future, but you will heal faster and recover faster and with less baggage if you can look back and say that you make a good faith effort to make things as amicable as possible. I am sorry for your loss. I do wish you well. 1
Zenstudent Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I believe you haven't mentioned what your wife said, when she confessed? Does she want to be with you still or was it an "easy" way out for her when she told you? 1
carhill Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 OP, reading your opening post, two things came to mind. 1. Your wife is smart. In one fell swoop, she betrayed your marriage and queered up your closest male friendship. In reality, your best friend could be a total dick, but she facilitated dickinsider. Women are expert at this kind of social manipulation. Kudos to her. 2. When women break an elemental trust in this way and, by that, I mean with your best friend, IMO they're done with you. Good luck.
michelangelo Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I am so sorry for you. You really should get a divorce. Just look at the facts. 1. She has been screwing another man for up to 6 years behind your back. This means that your marriage for the past 6 years has been a farce and a total joke to her. 2. She brought another man in your home and in your bed to screw him. This is highly symbolic and was a form of total defecation on you and your marriage. 3. In 6 years you know that there had to be numerous times that you had sex with her after she had been with him. 4. She deliberately picked your BEST FRIEND! Clearly she was getting off on this perverse thrill of screwing your best friend behind your back and in your bed. 5. She put you health at risk for STD's for 6 years. You both need to get tested at once. 6. Regardless of how old your son is he needs to be tested for paternity. 7. Your wife has used you for at least 6 years and played you for a fool and she would be right if you stay with her. 8. Your so-called wife through her actions has shown you that she has absolute contempt for you and your marriage and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. 9. Contact the OM's wife or girlfriend at once and also expose this to her family. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? This is the absolute ultimate in the humiliation of a spouse. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have accepted this? See a lawyer immediately. Exactly right. Only can add that my wife did as yours did, but only coughed up sickening details by me bluffing that I already knew. I was shocked to find out that she cheated for almost nine years! Heard this after another six had passed by. It took me another four of false recovery to finally divorce her. What a waste of basically 20 years! Hope you get out of your marriage a lot sooner than I did. 4
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