What do I do?

[Smile178973]

My boyfriend and I seem to be the dream couple. My friends envy me and are always asking when we're going to get married. Our families are great and love us, our friends are great and love us. We're both headed down a great path in life. We also have the same beliefs and values. We recently moved in together. He loves the fact that he's the only guy I've slept with. He's really great, so many amazing qualities.

 

BUT (I hate that there always has to be a but) life in the bedroom sucks. When we first had sex everything was awesome. I'm an insecure person. I've never been naked in front of someone my whole adult life and here I was feeling so comfortable. Now, not so much. We haven't had much sex the last few months. I'll initiate it because he won't. I get four different answers. There's the "no, I'm so tired babe." Then there the "ok" and we have sex, but he rushes through and I get no enjoyment out of it. I feel like he says yes because he feels bad if he says no all the time. Then there is the "yeah, but I'm tired so you'll have to do most of the work." And then there is the worst of them all "Hmm, I don't know I'm kind of tired. Let's see, if we have sex now I'll get 7 hours of sleep. Hmm, maybe. I'd rather do it now than tomorrow. Yeah, I guess so, let's do it." Like no freakin' enthusiasm...ever! Why won't he jump me instead of the crappy answers above? On top of all that, sex is boring. It's always the same positions. I don't even like a few of them, he knows that but still wants to do them.

 

I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I get hit on, a lot. I'm also quite slim, with a nice rack for a slim girl. My mom, aunts and cousins always go on about how I should model. So I just don't understand why he doesn't want to have sex. Maybe I'm butt ugly and my family just says that for fun. Also, I'm totally open to trying different things, he know this too! I've even tried to initiate it, but he prefers the thump and dump routine.

 

I really want to jump him! But it's hard getting rejected after verbally asking him. I couldn't imagine the pain and humiliation if I literally through myself at him. I'm just so distraught. I could see a wonderful future with him. I would love to get married and have kids with him. This is the only flaw in our relationship. I'm just tired of feeling rejected and unwanted. He's not very affectionate physically out of the bedroom, which is fine. Some men show there love in other ways, which he does. But he can't do this crap. It's hard because as I'm typing this I am so horny, but I'm so afraid I'll get rejected or end up having quick, lazy sex. I know he's capable of having great sex, we've done it before. It's just so insulting. We haven't had sex in a month, so I know he'll come asking for it soon. I kind of want to wait until he asks and just tell him I'm tired so he'll have to do all the work and see how he likes it. That's a little harsh though.

 

As bad as I've made him sound, he is a really good guy. I think if he knew how I felt or that I've cried over this he'd be so upset. So how should I handle this? Should I just sit him down and be straight forward? I know I'm going to cry if I sit home down, I am the most emotional person ever! If I do that, what should I say? Or at least how should I start it? Is there something else I should do instead?

[ExpatInItaly]

My boyfriend and I seem to be the dream couple. My friends envy me and are always asking when we're going to get married. Our families are great and love us, our friends are great and love us. We're both headed down a great path in life. We also have the same beliefs and values. We recently moved in together. He loves the fact that he's the only guy I've slept with. He's really great, so many amazing qualities.

 

BUT (I hate that there always has to be a but) life in the bedroom sucks. When we first had sex everything was awesome. I'm an insecure person. I've never been naked in front of someone my whole adult life and here I was feeling so comfortable. Now, not so much. We haven't had much sex the last few months. I'll initiate it because he won't. I get four different answers. There's the "no, I'm so tired babe." Then there the "ok" and we have sex, but he rushes through and I get no enjoyment out of it. I feel like he says yes because he feels bad if he says no all the time. Then there is the "yeah, but I'm tired so you'll have to do most of the work." And then there is the worst of them all "Hmm, I don't know I'm kind of tired. Let's see, if we have sex now I'll get 7 hours of sleep. Hmm, maybe. I'd rather do it now than tomorrow. Yeah, I guess so, let's do it." Like no freakin' enthusiasm...ever! Why won't he jump me instead of the crappy answers above? On top of all that, sex is boring. It's always the same positions. I don't even like a few of them, he knows that but still wants to do them.

 

I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I get hit on, a lot. I'm also quite slim, with a nice rack for a slim girl. My mom, aunts and cousins always go on about how I should model. So I just don't understand why he doesn't want to have sex. Maybe I'm butt ugly and my family just says that for fun. Also, I'm totally open to trying different things, he know this too! I've even tried to initiate it, but he prefers the thump and dump routine.

 

I really want to jump him! But it's hard getting rejected after verbally asking him. I couldn't imagine the pain and humiliation if I literally through myself at him. I'm just so distraught. I could see a wonderful future with him. I would love to get married and have kids with him. This is the only flaw in our relationship. I'm just tired of feeling rejected and unwanted. He's not very affectionate physically out of the bedroom, which is fine. Some men show there love in other ways, which he does. But he can't do this crap. It's hard because as I'm typing this I am so horny, but I'm so afraid I'll get rejected or end up having quick, lazy sex. I know he's capable of having great sex, we've done it before. It's just so insulting. We haven't had sex in a month, so I know he'll come asking for it soon. I kind of want to wait until he asks and just tell him I'm tired so he'll have to do all the work and see how he likes it. That's a little harsh though.

 

As bad as I've made him sound, he is a really good guy. I think if he knew how I felt or that I've cried over this he'd be so upset. So how should I handle this? Should I just sit him down and be straight forward? I know I'm going to cry if I sit home down, I am the most emotional person ever! If I do that, what should I say? Or at least how should I start it? Is there something else I should do instead?

 

Yes. Be gentle but direct. Tell him what you've told us - that you're feeling rejected and confused. Ask him straight-up what's going on. Don't be accusatory, and wait for him to answer. Don't worry too much about crying, because this is indeed very hurtful for you and you should't need to hide that. In my experience, when there's a dramatic and long-term fizzle in intimacy, it's a sign of bigger underlying problem. Communicate with him.

 

Do not just wait for him to approach you and then reject him. That serves zero purpose and you'll only breed more resentment and end up shooting yourself in the foot.

[Smile178973]

Thanks for your reply! I'm not experienced with dating or sex so I'm confused with everything. I need to talk to him ASAP. I just want this whole issue to go away! I'll talk to him either tomorrow night or Friday night.

 

Also, the rejection was just the anger talking. I couldn't actually say something mean to him.

 

Thanks again

[Assasda]

You might want to boost his ego more during sex, so he'll want to go even when he's tired.

You both seem lazy and want the other to do all the work. You should work on each of you getting an orgasm

[salparadise]

Why won't he jump me instead of the crappy answers above? On top of all that, sex is boring. It's always the same positions. I don't even like a few of them, he knows that but still wants to do them.

 

I don't mean to sound full of myself, but I get hit on, a lot. I'm also quite slim, with a nice rack for a slim girl. [...] Also, I'm totally open to trying different things, he know this too! I've even tried to initiate it, but he prefers the thump and dump routine.

 

We haven't had sex in a month, so I know he'll come asking for it soon. I kind of want to wait until he asks and just tell him I'm tired so he'll have to do all the work and see how he likes it. That's a little harsh though.

 

I think sitting him down and cataloging your complaints is not likely to get you where you want to be. Perhaps it would be a last ditch thing to try before engaging a sex therapist but not yet. And quit dwelling on how you look or what positions you like or don't like. I really don't think it's about the mechanics. What you need to do is eroticize him––tune into his erotic imagination and jump start those sexy synapses between both pairs of ears.

 

I can't say exactly what will do the trick but I think it's going to have a lot to do with demeanor and attitude. He may respond to you being more submissive or dominant. Or maybe making him feel more like a stud. Have the two of you shared erotic fantasies? Some of this is just the inherent chemistry but since you said that it was there before I'd bet it's still there and just needs to be activated. But it's all carrot and no stick... no negativity, no judgement. Don't make it feel like you've decided to fix a problem... just start letting your nasty, sexy self ooze all over him and let it be perfectly natural for his to ooze all over you.

 

Your last sentence indicated that resentment is starting to build. Sweetie, this is a relationship killer. You have to quit thinking this way––forever! And not just with regard to bedroom activities. If it turns out that you're just not able to satisfy each other sexually then your choices will be either to accept it or find another partner, but doing the resentment thing because your needs aren't completely fulfilled will just make you both miserable.

[kassy]

Agree re the fantasies. Maybe he has a kink or something you guys can work on. But maybe just talk more about fantasies?

 

Possibly a trip away, when he'll have time and not be tired? Could reignite the passion a bit?

 

I've been in a relationship where the sex has died. It's hard since you always hear men just want sex all the time so the rejection feels a lot. Especially since all you want to do is jump them. Mine wasn't as serious as yours and I didn't find a way to resolve the issue so we broke up. He was really upset and it was awful. But being rejected by the only person you can have sex with is horrible for your self esteem. If its anything else lacking you can go somewhere else, but sex... Not so much.

 

Is he depressed? On meds? Really stressed? These things can mess up sex drive.

 

At the end of the day you guys are going to have to talk about it or resolve it in one way or another. Good luck. Sorry that didn't help. But I just wanted to say that it does happen, try not to let it make you feel bad about yourself.

[jphcbpa]

does he watch alot of porn?

 

what are your ages?

 

how many partners has he had?

[salparadise]

It's hard since you always hear men just want sex all the time so the rejection feels a lot.

 

Interesting how the other gender perceives the same issue... as a guy I've spent most of my adult life learning how to handle rejection, not take it too personally, persevere in spite of it, and just accept that she (ex-wife) basically couldn't care less about meeting my needs with regard to frequency, and that even as married man I should not feel entitled to regular sex or that it should be fulfilling beyond just getting my O within the little time window between when she got hers and grew impatient and said ok, enough. Now as a divorced man in the dating game again, it's back to long stretches between opportunities (4 months currently) and wondering just how long this wining and dining and acting like the perfect gentleman has to go on before she gets horny enough, and feels familiar/affectionate enough to want to get naked... and wondering if even then it's going to be semi-amazing, boring as hell, or just good enough to not want to quit. Contrast that with the ladies (some, not all) expecting us to be Johnny on the spot whenever she gets the itch, and for it to be extra-amazing or else she's sit us down and give us a good talking to... because rejection feels [like] a lot. Sometimes I'd like to be on the other side of this asymmetrical system just for a week or two!

[TylerDurdenn]

OP, to put it bluntly, are you hot? Does he want to **** you?

[Smile178973]

Sorry, I've been at work everyday for two weeks! I haven't had any "me" time because my focus is on work and my boyfriend. I never got around to discussing it with him because I needed to think things through and know exactly what I wanted to say. I didn't want to go and scold him or shoot him down. Thanks for all the replies!

 

Assasda, I'm not lazy, just frustrated. He's becoming lazy lately. Never used to be

 

Salparadise, I agree with the cataloging complaints thing. I've thought about discussing what he likes with him. But whenever he asks me to do something I've always been willing to do it! He knows I like to please him and I'd be willing to try almost anything. I know it's a killer, I'm worried about it breaking us up one day. There is no resentment, just frustration. It's coming from the most important person, so it just hurts and frustrates me the most. Sorry to hear about the ex-wife. I never realized men could be like this until I googled it after this started going on.

 

Kassy, thanks! If we could afford it I would love to go away. We're going to Florida early next year. We can't afford anything sooner right now...I wish we could though! Also, no meds, depression or stress. I know him very well, I can look at him and know he smoked a cigarette (he quit in January). Unless he's really good at hiding it, I don't think there is an issue with depression or stress.

 

jphcbpa, I'm early twenties, he's late twenties. He surprisingly doesn't watch porn. I asked him once and he said no. I told him I was cool with it and that a lot of guys do it. I was only asking out of curiosity. He said it's just not as good as the real thing. He's my only partner. He actually doesn't know his number, he never kept count because numbers don't mean anything to him. His guess is over 30 but under 40. I'm the first serious girlfriend. What adds to my frustration is that he's mentioned doing something with someone else and I just sit there and think "that's nice, but what about me? Do me!"

 

TylerDurdenn, I'm not smokin' hot, but I'm definitely a good looking girl. And clearly not so much anymore.

 

Involver, I actually laughed at your post. I know...