Jc12345 Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Just wondering what everybody's input is on what makes a good girlfriend or a good boyfriend and how would you define being abusive?
Philosoraptor Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Respect makes a quality partner. Disrespect makes an abusive partner. If you are being disrespected and caused pain from your partners actions or choices, you are being abused. 1
happydate Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Just wondering what everybody's input is on what makes a good girlfriend or a good boyfriend and how would you define being abusive? This is extremely subjective because judging is a personal preference and how one is raised by their parents. We always have an old saying that we tend to date our parents and so far, this is true. So a girl who is raised by type A individuals and who are not afraid to be authentic only wants to date the same guy with the same attitude. The girl will then call all other guys bad because he was not authentic enough. Some people find it repulse from people who say things outright without going through the political correctness filter and consider these people bad. The reason for good or bad is what is INSIDE your subconscious mind and who put them in (mainly from your parents) and your current views today of who is a good girlfriend and boyfriend are based on materials and baggages stored in your subconscious. So asking this question of us about this basically means how we perceive our dates based on who we are. Do not base decisions because you are not them and they are not you. There is only respect when two parties share the same goals and views. Which is why, respect can only be EARNED and not given.
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Respect makes a quality partner. Disrespect makes an abusive partner. If you are being disrespected and caused pain from your partners actions or choices, you are being abused. I think this bears the addition that if it consistent or deliberate. I feel we can all hurt others feelings and disrespect sometimes, but if you are constantly explaining to someone that they are hurting you with the same thing and they keep doing it you are in a bad situation. I think a good partner is someone who understands even if they can't relate. For example, I used to tell my ex how much it mortified me that he would go to his mother and family about our problems, as I am an extremely private person and I spill neither the good or bad. More than once I told him how humilliated and villified I felt that he call angry or crying to complain about me and he insisted that people understood that he was just upset and that besides, he was a very open person. Instead of understanding where I came from, he got defensive and would tell me that "at least he came from a family, unlike myself". Mind you I was close with my parents, but I would have felt ridiculous going to them when I had a fight with my boyfriend. I would feel embarrassed when I would see my ex's friends and family, then, and as much as I explained to my ex that I dreaded feeling like others knew my business/felt like the bad guy he wouldn't listen. He would insist that nobody "hated me" which wasn't what I was saying, and would even say that I was welcome to tell people, about our fights. Thus...... since he felt differently about it, since he couldn't RELATE, he wouldn't compromise or accommodate (yes, i said accommodate sometimes in relationships I think personally we should work around things that just make our partner feel better, as long as they are reasonable) to my sensitivity about it. I think this was one of the worst things that made him a crappy partner. Another example? A woman friend whom he had borderline had an emotional affair with when her marriage was collapsing, called him one day close to midnight when we had moved in together. I asked him to tell her later that she should call him in the afternoon, that I felt uncomfortable that another woman was calling MY boyfriend so late instead of at a normal hour (she had done this several times before we move din though he didn't pick up). Huge fight ensued because he refused to tell her and at one point I asked my ex "When have you ever been with me and have men calling me at all hours of the night?" and he replied "I never told you not to do that. I wouldn't mind that". Siiiiiiiigh.
Fufu Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Having mutual respect for one another Having Trust (No habitual lies/cheats) Speaks your mind Having 2-ways communication What's abusive? Verbal abuse (Saying all those mean and discouraging words) Violence (Hitting, beating, slapping)
faithfully Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Good communication is the key!! You need to be able to talk through issues and problem rather than 1 person bottle it up 1
Chi townD Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Good communication is the key!! You need to be able to talk through issues and problem rather than 1 person bottle it up ^^^ THIS^^^^ But, along with communication, we have to LISTEN to what the other person is saying!!! Sometimes, we may not agree with each other; but, by talking and listening, you should be able to find a happy median. Get to common ground.
melell Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I just think it is impossible to tell. I know people can become abusive without it even being recognized as abuse. Good partner in my opinion is someone who is simply happy to begin with. As the other poster said it is subjective. And I have my opinion because my ex was a very depressed person and that made things really difficult even at the best of times. I remember being on holiday in fiji and my ex just sitting on the beach in silence the whole time and only speaking briefly to tell me why life is so s***
Author Jc12345 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 I was with a boarderline who put me through hell. It was apparent that no effort was ever made on her part. Everything was my fault. My question is, at what point are you doing to much for your partner when your getting nothing in return?
lindsay1990 Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 I would say when you are doing exactly what they asked for or stopped doing what they asked you to stop, yet they still accuse you of doing/not doing it. Does that make sense? I don't think it's necessarily that they can't accept it but that eventually your communication is just doomed, and your expectations/reassurances won't match. How do you know your ex was borderline, if you don't mind? Was he/she diagnosed?
Author Jc12345 Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 Never diagnosed officially. I know it's hard to pin point however this article characterizes her completely. AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.
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