Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Okay some of you know my history, my situation with my ex (Oscar) well we've been broke up with NC until today...he called me on his lunch break asking me to please at least talk to him....... I miss his companionship and him in general (minus the drama) so I agreed, well he was asking me why I ended it with him this time and again I told him.... "I feel like I'm giving 90% and you're giving 10% in our relationship and it's just not working out" I explained to him that I've done all I could to make the relationship work, (cooking for him, doing his laundry, cutting his hair, preparing his lunch, helping him in EVERY way possible, being there for him emotionally, loving him unconditionally, always trying to cheer him up when he's home sick, doing ANYTHING he asks of me, ect) and for me he's come over and spent time with me daily, called me daily, changed the oil in my car, and made me happy (usually) but he isn't that supportive emotionally, ect. Well I'm not materialistic or anything but HELP is nice...we were (before) planning on moving in together and I let him know I'd need about $200 a month (that's LESS than half of what the total bills would be) for his part of the rent & bills. He said I CAN'T afford that!! OMG he pays close to 600 where he's living now!! Needless to say we didn't get a place together... Well we were discussing all this and he's like " you don't buy love, i give you my love, my time, ect, but I can't give you my $ " Now mind you I've never asked him for money or to buy me anything, but since he wanted us to live together it isn't unreasonable to expect close to 1/2 help...at least I didn't think it was..... So that is where it goes back to me giving 90% and him giving 10% and I explained to him this is the way I see it....know what he had the nerve to say?? "So what's wrong with that? 10% is enough for anyone to give" That just affirmed that I had made the right choice in leaving him...I know you can't have a future with someone like this...... Sorry this is so long but I needed to vent and I know he's a loser but since it was a long relationship it's hard to remember all the bad when you're missing the good. Don't get me wrong I'm not considering going back, I just needed to vent!
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Omg! He actually wondered what was wrong with him giving 10% while you give the rest.. and honestly couldn't understand why he would need to be financially resposible as well in a living together situation? Damn Girl! When he said there was nothing wrong with anyone giving 10% I probably would have told him "I agree.. and to show you how much, I'm lowering mine to 5%" then hung up on his dumb ass! Hang in there sweetie!
Author Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Author Posted December 13, 2004 Yes he honestly seriously couldn't see why I was so upset and why he needed to help me and be financially responsible for his part of things, I've always supplied him with food for dinner and for his work lunch for the better part of 2 years and NEVER got a dime from him for it, BUT I didn't ask....common sense would tell most people to "offer" at least a dollar...but finally I got fed up.... I'm glad I got the 'affirmation' I needed in my moment of weakness so I didn't cave and take him back....
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by Barby Yes he honestly seriously couldn't see why I was so upset and why he needed to help me and be financially responsible for his part of things, I've always supplied him with food for dinner and for his work lunch for the better part of 2 years and NEVER got a dime from him for it, BUT I didn't ask....common sense would tell most people to "offer" at least a dollar...but finally I got fed up.... I'm glad I got the 'affirmation' I needed in my moment of weakness so I didn't cave and take him back.... Girl.. I was right there with you in my own screwed up relationship, so I do understand. The more I gave, the more he took.. the sad part in mine is he would also promise to pay me back (and never did) he would promise he would do this or that (and never did) and if by some small miracle he did happen to give anything.. you better stand the hell by and throw his ass a party because *gasp* he followed through *this time* Bah! Assclowns!
NiCoLe20 Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 i definitley think u made the right choice.... stay away from him...he's cheap!! lol j/k find someone who will spoil you rotten....i know their hard to find but some are out there! keep lookin!!
Stone Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Please Please don't take him back, you'll kick yourself in the rear for it later, you deserve someone who will give your relationship 100% and he didn't.
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by Stone Please Please don't take him back, you'll kick yourself in the rear for it later, you deserve someone who will give your relationship 100% and he didn't. Amen sister.
Author Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Author Posted December 13, 2004 Thank you guys for responding...I appreciate your support, there is nothing i mean NOTHING that will make me take him back....I said that before but we'd never discussed these type of issues because I didn't want to "make him mad or feel bad" BUT now knowing this is how he will remain....HAH! There is no way in h*ll!! I don't even want someone to spoil me, all I expected was appreciation and a little bit of help (or at least OFFERING of help). But he isn't capable so it's bye bye "assclown" for him!
Stone Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 A man should spoil you at least in the begining of the relationship.
Merin Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by Barby Thank you guys for responding...I appreciate your support, there is nothing i mean NOTHING that will make me take him back....I said that before but we'd never discussed these type of issues because I didn't want to "make him mad or feel bad" BUT now knowing this is how he will remain....HAH! There is no way in h*ll!! I don't even want someone to spoil me, all I expected was appreciation and a little bit of help (or at least OFFERING of help). But he isn't capable so it's bye bye "assclown" for him! LOL Damn assclowns! Good for you Barby! I hear you on the spoiling thing.. I never expected that.. but I did expect him to meet me half way in all things..
FolderWife Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 You definately made the right decision to ditch this loser
Author Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Author Posted December 13, 2004 In all honesty, thinking back, the only thing he ever bought me was a soda in the club a couple of times, the first night when I met him then twice the following two weekends...................(nothing exciting) but he seemed so considerate! HAH! Why do we fool ourselves into thinking that we can change (or they will magically change) when they have our love? Why do we dilude ourselves to the reality of what some people really are?? I wish I didn't do this and wish that I knew why I did it.
Stone Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Next time you date a guy make him court you, bring you flowers, take you out, ect and do so for awhile before you get serious. It will be worth it, and if he can't do that he shoudn't be worth your time. Take oscar as an example to higer your standards and chalk it up as a lesson learned.
Moose Posted December 13, 2004 Posted December 13, 2004 Shouldn't it be 50/50 NOT 90/10????????? No.....it should always be 100/100..........
Author Barby Posted December 13, 2004 Author Posted December 13, 2004 I guess I should learn to spoil myself and then allow someone else to spoil me..I've always been a "giver" so I'm more apt to spoil someone else I guess. Thanks for the advice and by all means next time (no matter how i feel about them) I'm going to be more selective in the charcteristics I accept in a partner...I'm not judgemental and to be honest it's hard to distinguish being judgemental and "weeding out the bad ones" when dating someone... True Moose but well I know you need to give all of yourself to that person (within reason of course) but even 50% I woulda been happy with but I couldn't even get that
Sukotto Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Yeah 100% is what you should be giving into the relationship but any materialistic things should be 50/50 unless there is some good explanation. Though buying something on your own does have advantages, say if you do split then they can't take any of it with them since you bought it. Glad you dumped this loser, you were taken for a ride by this guy. The more you gave the more he took, i'm sure if he had got his way you would have been keeping him and he spending his money just on him.
HokeyReligions Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 You deserve more than 10% of a man! Someday you'll find a man that knows he can give 100% of himself and still have plenty left over for himself. The more a person gives of themself, the more they have because both benefit from giving. If he doesn't give of himself then he doesn't open himself up for personal growth and becomes stagnant and unfulfilled, he leaves no room for new things in his life. You have given and now it's time for new things and new people in your life! It is definitely HIS loss. I'm proud of ya!
Author Barby Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Thanks Hokey, I really appreciate your insight as well as everyone else's kind words. It has helped me to continue to realize that (everyone) even you all who are all around the world have came to the same "obvious" conclusion (that I should have seen before) that he's selfish and immature and doesn't realize how life really is and what it takes to make it in a relationship or how to go about securing a future.... I felt so guilty breaking up with him because he claimed to be sooooo devastated and that he "couldn't live without me" but I'm beginning to think what he couldn't "live without" is my babying him and taking care of everything for him and doing everything I could to make him happy. I know when I miss him it's more the "security" of having someone there for me (so I thought) and thinking I had someone who'd stick by me through everything (not that I EVER gave him a reason to leave me) but the security and guilt of him saying I was ripping his life apart made me keep going back. Now seeing what my future would be...(no financial help from him what-so-ever or any kind of other help either) makes me realize there is NO way I'm prepared to do that...in that case I might as well be alone that way there is less baggage... I really really really appreciate you guys and I'm so glad I've gotten to a point where I can realize I can no longer sacrafice a normal (or at least semi normal) life for "security" even though it was only a sense of false security....
Naive Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 I agree with Moose, in a relationship it should be 100/100. It cannot be any less. You deserve a lot more Barby and I am happy that you realize that now. Obviously you are going to have days when you feel you cannot do it but just remind yourself of what you have just posted and I am sure you will not be going back!!!!!!!!!!
Author Barby Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Hey Naive...cool to see you're back! Yeah I know I've done MORE than bend over backwards to make things "easier" for him and all and there is just no way I can bend anymore...if I do I'll break and lose all of myself and it's not worth that! I know I would rather be alone (i'm taking a break from dating again for a bit) than to have to deal with so much drama, my life is too worthy and I don't need it....
moimeme Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 So what's wrong with that? 10% is enough for anyone to give Which planet did this guy originate on? How clueless can a human actually be? LOL. Oh you have done a good thing in ditching this one, Barby. You're dead on when you say what he misses is the full service caring he got from you - without doing thing one in return. Hope that's the last one of that sort you get stuck with!
Author Barby Posted December 14, 2004 Author Posted December 14, 2004 Hope that's the last one of that sort you get stuck with! Gawd I hope I never ever get with someone like that again...I mean it's hard to tell in the beginning but this time (whenever i decide to date again) I'll keep it very casual at first...I jumped right into this relationship, he was saying I love you by the 3rd week.
moimeme Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 he was saying I love you by the 3rd week. You know what? The more I read about relationships, the more convinced I am that that sort of thing is a red flag bigtime. People who rush into 'falling in love' and/or wanting to get married raise my suspicions. There's never a need to rush into these things - unless somebody is fatally ill.
Devildog Posted December 14, 2004 Posted December 14, 2004 Getting away from the relationship is the best way to really see the balance in a relationship. I am in the same boat as you Barby. I was giving sooooo much of myself into my marriage and getting very little in return. On top of that, I was getting criticized for not giving more. My wife, in her defense, is a confused, immature child with a steel belted umbilical cord attached still. After her brother died she felt the need to fill the role of two children for her parents, and didn't have anything left over for me.
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