Sub Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hola. So, a little background, and apologies for the length: D-day for me was August, 2011. My WS and I were going through highs and lows together, with the stresses of a young son, mortgage and lack of steady, good-paying work from my side taking its toll. (She was employed full-time.) She questioned my ability to provide, and sexually we were hit-and-miss. One day it was "I don't deserve your love." The next it was "I need so much more from you." She confided in a male "friend" who was going through a divorce and had a thing for her from years ago. A perfect storm of sorts: She was in a bad place, but not looking for an A. He kissed her over a drink one night to open the door, and they were off to the races. I found out by seeing an email from him asking her if she wanted him to come over to our house when I was away. (A week later I landed a well-paying, full-time gig.) I only ever addressed him via an email I vaguely remember, and focused on the rebuild, as we had decided to try to make it work. Neither of us went to counseling. I only confided in my best friend because I knew he'd be the most objective, and I didn't want the drama I knew both our families would provide. A few months after our D-Day, while my father was hanging on by a thread in a hospital with heart failure, my brother and his W had separated because of his A, and both used me as a sounding board. I felt like I was delaying some work I had to do on myself in dealing with my father's illness, starting a new job, and my brother's even more f**ked up situation, but I felt good. My wife and I were in a really good place, and have been since. My father pulled out of it, and my brother and his wife have also R'd. Fast forward to the recent weeks. I've been triggering and revisiting some anger I had for the OM, aware that there's not much I can really do about it. I know why I didn't really confront him when I found out, but it seems like little comfort now. My W knows how I feel, and she's been understanding about it. I tend to focus on my role as a father when it wells up inside me, the one thing this idiot couldn't touch. It comes and goes, but I'm cool. Which brings me to today. The friend who I had confided in about my W's A contacts me to let me know he discovered his W has been having an A of her own. I let my wife know, and one of her first questions was "Are you okay? This is going to be hard on you." I just thought it odd. Am I okay? My best friend is a wreck. I'm not thinking about myself. I guess my question is: should I not be okay? A similar thing happened to my sister-in-law recently. She consoled a friend who had discovered her WH's A, and it made things tense in my brothers house for a few days after due to the trigger. Am I in for some hard triggering in a couple days when I go hear the details from my friend? 1
road Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Hola. So, a little background, and apologies for the length: D-day for me was August, 2011. My WS and I were going through highs and lows together, with the stresses of a young son, mortgage and lack of steady, good-paying work from my side taking its toll. (She was employed full-time.) She questioned my ability to provide, and sexually we were hit-and-miss. One day it was "I don't deserve your love." The next it was "I need so much more from you." She confided in a male "friend" who was going through a divorce and had a thing for her from years ago. A perfect storm of sorts: She was in a bad place, but not looking for an A. He kissed her over a drink one night to open the door, and they were off to the races. I found out by seeing an email from him asking her if she wanted him to come over to our house when I was away. (A week later I landed a well-paying, full-time gig.) I only ever addressed him via an email I vaguely remember, and focused on the rebuild, as we had decided to try to make it work. Neither of us went to counseling. I only confided in my best friend because I knew he'd be the most objective, and I didn't want the drama I knew both our families would provide. A few months after our D-Day, while my father was hanging on by a thread in a hospital with heart failure, my brother and his W had separated because of his A, and both used me as a sounding board. I felt like I was delaying some work I had to do on myself in dealing with my father's illness, starting a new job, and my brother's even more f**ked up situation, but I felt good. My wife and I were in a really good place, and have been since. My father pulled out of it, and my brother and his wife have also R'd. Fast forward to the recent weeks. I've been triggering and revisiting some anger I had for the OM, aware that there's not much I can really do about it. I know why I didn't really confront him when I found out, but it seems like little comfort now. My W knows how I feel, and she's been understanding about it. I tend to focus on my role as a father when it wells up inside me, the one thing this idiot couldn't touch. It comes and goes, but I'm cool. Which brings me to today. The friend who I had confided in about my W's A contacts me to let me know he discovered his W has been having an A of her own. I let my wife know, and one of her first questions was "Are you okay? This is going to be hard on you." I just thought it odd. Am I okay? My best friend is a wreck. I'm not thinking about myself. I guess my question is: should I not be okay? A similar thing happened to my sister-in-law recently. She consoled a friend who had discovered her WH's A, and it made things tense in my brothers house for a few days after due to the trigger. Am I in for some hard triggering in a couple days when I go hear the details from my friend? How did your WW meet her OM? Did they work together? Was the OM exposed?
Author Sub Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Met through work years ago. He was a sub-contracted tech guy. She was in the IT dept. They would just touch base from time to time. No, he wasn't exposed by me. He did have an A with another MW before this, and her H exposed that to OM's estranged wife during his divorce proceedings.
Bryanp Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 Did you wife and the OM have sex in your home? Have the both of you been checked for STD's? You do realize that there is a pretty good chance that you had sex with her after she had been with the OM. If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you? What have been the consequences to her affair? If the OM is married or has a girl friend then you need to inform her. The fact that you did not confront the OM sent a clear message that there would be no consequences for him screwing your wife behind your back and wanting to do it in your home. What is wrong with this picture?
Artie Lang Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 sorry, but it sounds like you and your wife rugswept her affair, and now with your friends' situation, her affair has reared its ugly head. you really need to address this situation before resentment sets in. 2
Author Sub Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 My concern is this. Why are you so angey at OM? He didn't force himself on your wife. She chose to cheat on you. Not him. He is a POS but he isn't your POS. so you need to ask yourself if this is really misdirected anger. And honestly, not confronting him is a lit better than punchin him and ending up in jail. By not contacting him you showed him, IMO, that he means very little to you. And for most people, that actually stings more. Don't get me wrong. I have no plans of contacting him, and I know he shouldn't mean squat. I know she's responsible for the A, and she's a big girl who made her own decisions. I also know my part in this. The welfare of the marriage is our responsibility, not his. The anger with OM stems from how manipulative I know he was, and how I know he treated my wife, especially after D-Day. He was very aggressive with her, the initial kiss, constantly planting seeds in her head about our marriage, about me. He questioned my abilities as a father, even though she protested. He instructed her to deny everything, even after D-Day. And then, when it all fell apart, he cried fowl that he had been used like a toy. (All things that I've read via chats, emails.) Should it matter? No. He's out of our lives. We're moving on. Doesn't mean I wouldn't mind throttling him if he ever reared his head again. 1
Artie Lang Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 ^well, it sounds like you've found your scapegoat. you've made this OM out to be the boogeyman, and you're wife the helpless victim. good luck with that. 2
harrybrown Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 So how would your wife feel if you had an affair? Of course this is not a good idea to do, I just wonder when she was loving the OM, and you were her backup plan, what she has done with her selfishness? Has she gone to counseling? What has she done to show you that she is not having another affair?
Author Sub Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 ^well, it sounds like you've found your scapegoat. you've made this OM out to be the boogeyman, and you're wife the helpless victim. good luck with that. Not at all. I've dealt/am dealing with my feelings toward my W: the anger, mistrust, etc. She's done a lot to make things right, and she ALWAYS took responsibility for the A. I don't think it's that black and white, though. Just because I'm angry at OM doesn't mean my WS got off scot-free.
cozycottagelg Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Not at all. I've dealt/am dealing with my feelings toward my W: the anger, mistrust, etc. She's done a lot to make things right, and she ALWAYS took responsibility for the A. I don't think it's that black and white, though. Just because I'm angry at OM doesn't mean my WS got off scot-free. It sounds to me like you and your wife are in a really good place right now. You say she took responsibility and your reconciliation is going well. I would deal with the triggers as they come. Talk to your wife about them and support your best friend through this tough time. I have seen a lot of time ranges here as to how long it takes and "should" take to get over an affair, but I think the key is how YOU feel. That is all that really matters, because that is what effects the life you have built.
Author Sub Posted October 31, 2013 Author Posted October 31, 2013 So how would your wife feel if you had an affair? Horrible. Has she gone to counseling? What has she done to show you that she is not having another affair? She has not. We both considered it, but decided against it. I can't deny that it would have been beneficial, though. And I'm fully confident she's not having another A. The previous A occurred under the guise of her spending nights away with another female friend to get her head straight. OM lived near this friend. There's just not the opportunity for another A, with anyone. Aside from the fact that we're both in a different place emotionally, physically, professionally....we're working parents without family in the vicinity to fall back on. If we're not at our 9-5's, we're going to soccer practices, guitar lessons, b-day parties, doing homework, etc. And even when we are working, we're always chatting and touching base. I'm always greeted in the morning when I log in with a "Hey, handsome. :)" via chat.
Recommended Posts